[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Prologue

[Brian Randall]

On Mon, Jul 18, 2011 at 3:55 PM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
> To go with the recent flurry of SHnY activity here, I thought I'd chip
> in the first snippet of my own.

Hooray!  More Haruhi fiction!

> The Coin
> By Michael Clark
>
> Inspired by the _Haruhi Suzumiya_ novel series of Nagaru Tanigawa.

Oh!  And Novel based, not anime!

> It was near the end of spring term my second year that they wheeled it
> onto the school grounds.  Two men in blue uniforms with a handtruck
> installed it beneath the overhead walkway.  They could've been anyone,
> you know.  There must be at least ten places in town where you can buy
> plain old uniforms like those.  Maybe we should add one or two to the
> brigade's collection.
>
> Bad idea.  They're not sexy enough.

That's not her only requirements for costumes, unless she's got a frog
fetish we don't know about.

> The one the men installed was typical.  It was boring.  It just had cans
> of soda.  You can get soda anywhere!  They should've brought something
> interesting like a panty machine.  Or they could've filled it with
> liquor.

Liquor?  Are you sure this is light novel Haruhi?

> "Please, this is a school!" said that stuffy person I know.  "Think for
> a minute before you say something, will you?"

...okay, I already don't like her.

> What was I saying?  Oh right, the vending machine, the one _everyone_
> and their dog had to go see.  Well, that was fine.  I'd been annoyed all
> day anyway.  Some stupid people didn't seem to be concerned with our
> recruitment problem.  We only managed one good applicant--a cute,
> perfect little first-year girl, except she wasn't really a first-year
> girl at all!  She was in middle school of all things!  At first I
> thought that was terrible, but then I realized it:  she could start a
> chapter of the SOS Brigade in her middle school.  That would work,
> right?  I'd have thought so, but it didn't.  I went to find her, but she
> just disappeared!  Like she never existed, like she went to "Canada"
> with the old class rep, never to return.

Is this a novel 10/11 character I'm not familiar with?

Actually, I get enough spoilers.  Don't tell me.

> "A hundred and fifty yen?" I said.  "That should be illegal!"

Is 'said' the right word here?  Protested, yelled, realized, exclaimed....

> A couple of first-year boys--little mop-headed runts if you ask
> me--glared like I greatly disturbed them from sipping their cans of
> lemonade.  "What?" said one.  "Are you short?"

That's another question being said.

> "I see you haven't heard of me," I said.  "That's all right.  You're
> forgiven for now."  I grabbed one of them by the wrist and tilted his
> soda can toward me.  "Give me another fifty yen, and I won't tell the
> student council how you spilled your drink all over me to peek through
> my shirt."

Man.  Did I mention that this character was unlikable?

> "We know who you are," said the other one.  "You're in that weird club."
>
> "Is that any way you talk to an upperclassman?  I'll get you for sexual
> harassment, both of you!"

Okay ... rehashing every detail from book one as though that's the
limit of Haruhi's character....

> It was a voice behind me.  The girl was brown-haired and plain.  Not
> very interesting.

This, incidentally, is practically identical to the description you
offer for the mystery entrant that already left.  Might want to flesh
that out a little (either the extra's, or this character).

> "Oi!"  A voice called out from the building.  That person I had doubts
> about was holding a plain box lunch in his hands.  "I've been guarding
> your food this whole time, and you're still here?"

Who is this guy?  It's not Kyon, because he never looks for Haruhi
during lunchtime.

Come to think of it, this isn't Haruhi, because Kyon never sees her
eat (unless she steals his lunch).  She gets her lunches at the
cafeteria, and never brings them to school.

> "Who asked you to do that?" I said, watching the vending machine.

Another question being said!

> "Uh, you did?  Though I might confess I took a bite or two as payment,
> no refund.  You almost done?  Class is about to start."

This guy is acting like Haruhi, not Kyon.  He'd take the opportunity
to point out how he guarded her lunch faithfully, despite her stealing
his lunches in the past, or some such.

> "Let me guess," said the one with my lunch, "the coins are models aliens
> will use for their flying saucers.  By the power of pocket change, they
> will descend on planet Earth and announce that they come in fifty-yen
> pieces, right?"

The narrator's inability to use Kyon's nickname doesn't add anything.
Also, Kyon's more reactive than active, which is probably why him
showing up and volunteering opinions unasked feels odd.

> "What's this?" said the other one, the boy who'd eaten my lunch.  "All
> that time and you didn't even get a drink?"

The Fearsome Eternal Guardian of Her Lunch needs a better signifier.
I don't know why you're avoiding his name, but if you insist, give
poor Sandwich Protector some variety.

> I shook my head.
>
> "Good grief," he said.  "It's always something with you, Haruhi."

So, I've been ranting about how ff.net has been driving me insane
lately with their poor characterizations.  It's so bad I almost
entirely left the scene ... especially since Shadow of....

Incidentally, I happened to go there today, so I also saw this same
story posted, along with some more informative authors notes about
where you're planning on going with it.  Interesting stuff.

Trying to be productive and helpful here, I'll make it brief:

I'm amazed at both the light novels' amazing ability to have the
characters grow ... and the fandom's ability to disregard all of that.
 I think you've forgotten a lot of Haruhi's character growth, here ...
and I'm not really sure what to make of the Kyon you've got.  Don't
forget that by now, Haruhi has developed her redeeming traits.

The schemes she's already pulled are old news, and she should be
cooking up new ones, not revisiting stuff that's (for her) now a year
old.

I don't feel Haruhi would have tried to menace those kids, but then,
their behavior struck me as odd for typical Japanese underclassmen
anyway (pretty rude, actually).  The sexual harassment thing was
especially over the top for a second-year Haruhi, I think....

The way Kyon was brought into the scene didn't feel right, either.  If
you want to bring him into the scene, something that may be a bit more
workable is to have Haruhi realize she's short before she reaches the
head of the line and just call him (she does have his cell number).
It might even be funny if he shows up, but doesn't have any money (or
just won't give her any) to start off your catalyst. Certainly, she
wouldn't bother telling him why she was demanding his presence, just
where she was and therefore he also should be.

And also, IIRC, there are vending machines on the school grounds in
canon (that's where Koizumi gets Kyon his coffee) already.  Maybe this
is the first one that's got cold drinks, or something.

Just a thought.  I like the premise, even though you don't show much
in the prologue, but I do wonder at characterization....  Well, that
may be just my opinion.

Grammar seemed solid (I didn't catch much of anything), and nothing
else to complain about.

Thanks for sharing. :)

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.