[FFML] Mobile Suit Gundam Storm, ch. 7

[Andrew Dynon]

I realised after I sent the chapter that my comments could be interpreted as
trying to guilt-trip you over those comments.  Just so you know that wasn't
my intention.  I believe in Doctor Who writer Paul Cornell's statement that
"It is your duty as a writer to seek out harsh criticism of your work, and
use that criticism to improve" - at least, that's the ideal that I try to
uphold (even if I don't always succeed).

-----Original Message-----
From: ffml-bounces+adynon=internode.on.net at chez-vrolet.net
[mailto:ffml-bounces+adynon=internode.on.net at chez-vrolet.net] On Behalf Of
Arthur Hansen
Sent: Monday, 4 July 2011 8:43 AM
To: The Fanfiction Mailing List
Subject: Re: [FFML] Mobile Suit Gundam Storm, ch. 7

On Sat, Jul 2, 2011 at 6:34 PM, Andrew Dynon <adynon at internode.on.net>
wrote:
>
> [Author's notes: Okay, I'm trying adjusting my writing style with this 
> chapter.  I'll use first-person for Athene and Pallas, but scenes not 
> featuring them will be third-person.  Let me know if this is better, 
> worse, or indifferent.  Also, it's been a while since I posted the 
> last chapter (especially considering it's not that long) - I had a bit 
> of a crisis of confidence after the C&C I received last time, which I 
> know wasn't the intent.]

Which you are doing a much better job of here. This was a lot better (even
if I don't like first person narration, but here it works
better.)
I noticed you had a person being cut off during conversation, which is
usually shows as...

"Admiral, this goes beyond the-" a random civilian was saying.

"Quiet," the admiral cut off with a harsh shout. "We are not here to listen
to you."

Other than that, I look forward to more as you work on your descriptives.

--
Arthur Hansen
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