[FFML] Mobile Suit Gundam Storm, ch. 7

[Arthur Hansen]

On Sat, Jul 2, 2011 at 6:34 PM, Andrew Dynon <adynon at internode.on.net> wrote:
>
> [Author's notes: Okay, I'm trying adjusting my writing style with this
> chapter.  I'll use first-person for Athene and Pallas, but scenes not
> featuring them will be third-person.  Let me know if this is better, worse,
> or indifferent.  Also, it's been a while since I posted the last chapter
> (especially considering it's not that long) - I had a bit of a crisis of
> confidence after the C&C I received last time, which I know wasn't the
> intent.]

Which you are doing a much better job of here. This was a lot better
(even if I don't like first person narration, but here it works
better.)
I noticed you had a person being cut off during conversation, which is
usually shows as...

"Admiral, this goes beyond the-" a random civilian was saying.

"Quiet," the admiral cut off with a harsh shout. "We are not here to
listen to you."

Other than that, I look forward to more as you work on your descriptives.

--
Arthur Hansen