[FFML] [Fanfic][R1/2] Family Secrets - Chapter 1

[Ignacio Moreno]

Thanks for your comments.

If you don't mind, I will like to use some of your suggestions.

Greetings.

Kinai.

2011/2/18 Louise McCrowe <grinning.bird at gmail.com>

> On Tue, Feb 15, 2011 at 10:12 PM, Ignacio Moreno <kinai2k7 at gmail.com>
> wrote:
>
> > I think that I didn't post this story here, so...
> >
> >
> Well, thanks for posting it.  More stories are always good.
>
>
> > - I have to thank Kirra and Rebecca Thornton for revised this chapter.
> > Thank
> > you very much.
> >
>
> "for reviewing this chapter" If they read and helped you improve it
>
> Or "for this revised chapter" if they re-wrote it themselves and then
> handed
> it back to you.
>
>
> > - Please R&R.
> >
> >
> I'll C&C, thank you very much.
>
>
> >
> > - I would like to have ilustrations of my histories. So if anyone is
> > interested, please email me. Thanks.
> >
>
> stories, not histories.
>
> Unless you really do mean histories, but that would be like requesting
>  illustrations of massive, era-spanning events.
>
>
> > the delicate hands of Nodoka, who from time to time, brought it near her
> > lips and drank a sip.
> >
> >
> brought it *to* her lips
> and I also recommend *took* a sip
>
>
> > The tranquillity and silence reigned in the house and only the martial
> > shouts of the students, muffled by the distance, challenged this calm.
> >
> >
> Interesting. So in this story, there are actually students at the dojo.
>
>
> > Suddenly the entrance door busted open with a blow strong enough to break
> > the peaceful atmosphere of the house and instead, announced the arrival
> of
> > the two youngest habitants of the house.
>
>
> No need for a comma after "instead"
>
>
> > tranquillity and turned towards the door of the room. A moment later the
> > door opened and Ranma and Akane entered in the living room where Nodoka
> > was.
> >
> >
> "turned towards the door of the room" is an odd read. Try "the room's door"
> or simply "the door"
>
> The Tendo household only has one living room according to the maps I've
> seen.  It's redundant to mention that's where Nodoka was, as you've stated
> it above.  If you want to reinforce the idea that they are now together
> with
> Nodoka, you might want to try something like:
>
> "A moment later the door opened, Ranma and Akane entering the living room
> as
> well as Nodoka's field of view."
>
>
>
> > Akane huffed and started to repeatedly hit her school-bag with her
> > forefinger.
> >
>
> The visual I get here is that she's either pointing to something she's
> keeping in the bag or else that she's trying to poke holes in it.  I get
> that she's really irritated; it's simply an odd gesture as written.
>
>
> > "How could you even ask me, after what Shampoo and you did?" The curtness
> > of
> > his answer surprised Ranma himself; but it didn't frighten off Ukyo; who
> > let
> > out a loud guffaw.
> >
> >
> >
> A small aside. I'm from the school of thinking that Ranma wouldn't be mad
> at
> Ukyo for her part in the wedding free-for-all.  A resigned sigh is probably
> the most he'd do before going back to treating her normally.
>
> Your story, though :)  As I said, just an aside.
>
> It wasn't immediately obvious that we had gone back in time during that
> scene shift.
>
> Also, interesting. I originally was going to state that it wasn't Nodoka
> that invited anyone but instead it was Nabiki that sent out all the
> invitations on the sly (as a way to get a number of celebratory gifts).
>  There's nothing stating that Nodoka didn't reach out to Ukyou, though.
>  It's just a small divergence from the manga.
>
>
>
> > Ranma finished his story and the silence returned to the room. Akane had
> > stopped hitting her school-bag and both teenagers observed Nodoka with
> the
> >
>
> Ok, now that the flashback is done, I'd say that you want to state that
> Akane was tapping the bag with her finger, and not hitting it.  The
> distinction is that one implies actually swinging her arm (hitting) while
> the other is just an expression of anger.
>
>
> >
> > Akane's anger had risen greatly after seeing Ukyo talking to Ranma, but
> the
> > words of Ukyo had covered her rage with surprise and confusion. Nodoka's
> > inappropriate and rude question filled Akane with rage; a rage hidden
> under
> > her surprise, but which was fed by her confusion.
> >
> >
> Is this Akane's impression and current state of mind, or an actual
> description of the question? It was both entirely appropriate and very
> calmly delivered.  "Do you really want to be married?" is a perfectly good
> question to ask of people who have been forced into an engagement and made
> no covert effort to go forth with it.
>
>
> >
> > "Now it turned out that you told Ukyo to sabotage our wedding. Why? Do
> you
> > enjoy fucking with our lives?"
> >
> >
> "Yes."
>
> Akane stumbled back a step. "Y-- what? You do?"
>
> Nodoka let out a long, drawn out sigh. "It's the one pleasure left it my
> life," she began. "Deprived of my son's childhood, mocked by my friends,
> fucking with your lives is the only thing left to me.  My son knows this."
>
> Ranma looked sheepishly at his feet, as Akane leveled a confused stare in
> his direction.
>
> "But now," Nodoka continued, lifting a kimono sleeve to her now-damp eyes,
> "you would deny me even this, the only thing that makes my life bearable."
>
> "I... I didn't...," Akane's voice dwindled into nothing as Ranma glared at
> her.  The pigtailed boy was sitting besides his mother, gently patting her
> back as she wept, uttering small comforting noises and a few soft "there,
> there"s.
>
>
>
> > Akane rose her head on saying the last question,
>
>
> Akane's head rose as she asked the last question,
> Akane rose her head as the question burst from her lips,
> Akane's head snapped up so that her eyes locked onto Nodoka's as she laid
> forth her question,
>
>
>
> > "Because you and Akane are siblings." Nodoka said.
> >
> >
> Fuck yeah!
>
>
> OK, I didn't see the ending coming.  It also actually covers up some of
> Nodoka's OOC behavior during the chapter.
>
> I am looking forward to reading the second chapter (which is sitting there
> in my inbox).  Let's see where this will take us.
>
> Now make them suffer.
>
>
> -mccrowe
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