[FFML] [Fanfic][R1/2] Family Secrets - Chapter 1

[Louise McCrowe]

On Tue, Feb 15, 2011 at 10:12 PM, Ignacio Moreno <kinai2k7 at gmail.com> wrote:

> I think that I didn't post this story here, so...
>
>
Well, thanks for posting it.  More stories are always good.


> - I have to thank Kirra and Rebecca Thornton for revised this chapter.
> Thank
> you very much.
>

"for reviewing this chapter" If they read and helped you improve it

Or "for this revised chapter" if they re-wrote it themselves and then handed
it back to you.


> - Please R&R.
>
>
I'll C&C, thank you very much.


>
> - I would like to have ilustrations of my histories. So if anyone is
> interested, please email me. Thanks.
>

stories, not histories.

Unless you really do mean histories, but that would be like requesting
 illustrations of massive, era-spanning events.


> the delicate hands of Nodoka, who from time to time, brought it near her
> lips and drank a sip.
>
>
brought it *to* her lips
and I also recommend *took* a sip


> The tranquillity and silence reigned in the house and only the martial
> shouts of the students, muffled by the distance, challenged this calm.
>
>
Interesting. So in this story, there are actually students at the dojo.


> Suddenly the entrance door busted open with a blow strong enough to break
> the peaceful atmosphere of the house and instead, announced the arrival of
> the two youngest habitants of the house.


No need for a comma after "instead"


> tranquillity and turned towards the door of the room. A moment later the
> door opened and Ranma and Akane entered in the living room where Nodoka
> was.
>
>
"turned towards the door of the room" is an odd read. Try "the room's door"
or simply "the door"

The Tendo household only has one living room according to the maps I've
seen.  It's redundant to mention that's where Nodoka was, as you've stated
it above.  If you want to reinforce the idea that they are now together with
Nodoka, you might want to try something like:

"A moment later the door opened, Ranma and Akane entering the living room as
well as Nodoka's field of view."



> Akane huffed and started to repeatedly hit her school-bag with her
> forefinger.
>

The visual I get here is that she's either pointing to something she's
keeping in the bag or else that she's trying to poke holes in it.  I get
that she's really irritated; it's simply an odd gesture as written.


> "How could you even ask me, after what Shampoo and you did?" The curtness
> of
> his answer surprised Ranma himself; but it didn't frighten off Ukyo; who
> let
> out a loud guffaw.
>
>
>
A small aside. I'm from the school of thinking that Ranma wouldn't be mad at
Ukyo for her part in the wedding free-for-all.  A resigned sigh is probably
the most he'd do before going back to treating her normally.

Your story, though :)  As I said, just an aside.

It wasn't immediately obvious that we had gone back in time during that
scene shift.

Also, interesting. I originally was going to state that it wasn't Nodoka
that invited anyone but instead it was Nabiki that sent out all the
invitations on the sly (as a way to get a number of celebratory gifts).
 There's nothing stating that Nodoka didn't reach out to Ukyou, though.
 It's just a small divergence from the manga.



> Ranma finished his story and the silence returned to the room. Akane had
> stopped hitting her school-bag and both teenagers observed Nodoka with the
>

Ok, now that the flashback is done, I'd say that you want to state that
Akane was tapping the bag with her finger, and not hitting it.  The
distinction is that one implies actually swinging her arm (hitting) while
the other is just an expression of anger.


>
> Akane's anger had risen greatly after seeing Ukyo talking to Ranma, but the
> words of Ukyo had covered her rage with surprise and confusion. Nodoka's
> inappropriate and rude question filled Akane with rage; a rage hidden under
> her surprise, but which was fed by her confusion.
>
>
Is this Akane's impression and current state of mind, or an actual
description of the question? It was both entirely appropriate and very
calmly delivered.  "Do you really want to be married?" is a perfectly good
question to ask of people who have been forced into an engagement and made
no covert effort to go forth with it.


>
> "Now it turned out that you told Ukyo to sabotage our wedding. Why? Do you
> enjoy fucking with our lives?"
>
>
"Yes."

Akane stumbled back a step. "Y-- what? You do?"

Nodoka let out a long, drawn out sigh. "It's the one pleasure left it my
life," she began. "Deprived of my son's childhood, mocked by my friends,
fucking with your lives is the only thing left to me.  My son knows this."

Ranma looked sheepishly at his feet, as Akane leveled a confused stare in
his direction.

"But now," Nodoka continued, lifting a kimono sleeve to her now-damp eyes,
"you would deny me even this, the only thing that makes my life bearable."

"I... I didn't...," Akane's voice dwindled into nothing as Ranma glared at
her.  The pigtailed boy was sitting besides his mother, gently patting her
back as she wept, uttering small comforting noises and a few soft "there,
there"s.



> Akane rose her head on saying the last question,


Akane's head rose as she asked the last question,
Akane rose her head as the question burst from her lips,
Akane's head snapped up so that her eyes locked onto Nodoka's as she laid
forth her question,



> "Because you and Akane are siblings." Nodoka said.
>
>
Fuck yeah!


OK, I didn't see the ending coming.  It also actually covers up some of
Nodoka's OOC behavior during the chapter.

I am looking forward to reading the second chapter (which is sitting there
in my inbox).  Let's see where this will take us.

Now make them suffer.


-mccrowe
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