[FFML] Ranma 1/2 End Game Chapter 1

[Brian Randall]

Okay, it's been months since I've offered C&C, I should really try and
do some of that.

As a warning, I'm probably a jerk, and you can ignore any and all
advice you don't care about (just don't expect more C&C if we
determine I'm not able to offer advice you consider useful).  On that
note, it's probably a bad policy, but I always C&C on my first pass
through reading a fic (I spot more of the smaller errors that way).
Be advised. :)

On Thu, Feb 17, 2011 at 9:52 AM, David Barry <lordarchive at hotmail.com> wrote:
>
> End Game
>
> Chapter One: Secret Plays
>
> By: Lord Archive

Wow, I haven't read anything you've written in years.  What a surprise!


> Akane held her chop sticks to her lips. "I suppose that means I'll be cooking dinner that night."

You do this a lot -- technically, this is grammatically incorrect;
there is no definite speech indicator.  This is actually fine, though,
since it's stylistic (as long as you're consistant).  I try to avoid
the inferred speaker technique (or whatever they call this), but it
does work.

> "Auntie Saotome will still be baby-sitting for her friend," Akane reminded. "She won't be back until Monday."

'reminded' seems to need a target, either 'everyone' or 'her father'
etc., I would think,

> Akane growled. And found her hand grabbed. "Not yet with that. You'd dull the taste. Calm down and relax."

I see what you're going for, but those first two sentences are really
stilted (to me); I suggest recombining them into a single sentence.
Though, if you liked the second sentence as it is, you could expand on
the first one to make them more complimentary:

ex., "Akane growled, reaching for <thing>, planning to <motivation>.
And found her hand grabbed."

Set it up so that the fragment answers some completed suggestion from
the previous line; that really helps it flow better (in my opinion).

> Akane shuddered, uncertain if he meant the double meaning of that statement.

meant; meaning (repetition)

Suggest changing the first instance to 'intended'

> "Don't jinx it. You can count on Ucchan and Shampoo being busy at work, but that doesn't mean we're going to be left alone," Ranma groused.

...ah.  Right.

> "What is there to say?" Ranma shrugged. "Saying nothing and nothing changes."

I'm not sure I follow the second part of Ranma's speech here.

> "I... I...," Akane squeaked out. "I don't know what to say."

I..., -- drop the comma here.

> "Shampoo is the old ghoul's great-granddaughter. If she got her head out of her ass, she'd be a better challenge to me," Ranma told her as if a master to a student. "And you are honestly not worth my concern in a straight fight. Why the hell do you think I've been trying to learn ways of attacking you in sparring? You need to be better!" He started to pace around the pound. "Kodachi won't even try a straight fight, attacking like a fucking ninja when you aren't ready. Ucchan won't be much better, but she's more likely to attack me. Of all the idiotic shit...."

Man, I never liked that interpretation of Ranma's regard towards Ukyou
-- as if she were less than a complete person, and he only tolerated
her at best.  Not saying it's wrong -- if that's what you're going
with, well, that's what you've always gone with, in retrospect.
Shouldn't expect you to change, but fair notice, I don't care for
where this is going.  I'll finish this chapter out for C&C, but as
they say, not really my cup of tea.

> "I'm talking about the stupid shit like dumping your ass in a pit of hungry cats!" Ranma yelled at her. "No way I'm letting that happen, but there are other methods that are just as bad without the stupid fear." He let out another scream. "You're going to have to be trained by the fucking panda!"

Oh, okay, so Akane will get to beat up the other fiances.

> With each bounce, Akane groaned in pain. She didn't care about being unceremoniously carried on the shoulder of a panda. She was in too much pain. One day of training and already she would never look at whips, bubblegum and lava lamps the same way. They hadn't even gotten around to using the sofa Genma made her pull into the empty lot beyond him lazing on it while putting her through hell. Best not to mention any of that to Sayuri or Yuka, they'd seriously get the wrong idea.

That fifth sentence is really awkward.  I can't come up with any
specific suggestions, but I advise rewording for better flow.

> The furry bear held up a sign, [Don't look at me. I'm just a panda.]

I....  What?  Brackets?  What is--  Oh, right.  Wow, that does take me back.

We don't need brackets; this is actually a form of speech (even if
it's written on a sign).  You can write that out like this to avoid
special speech indicators (which should never really be needed):

The furry bear held up a sign: "Don't look at me."  The sign flipped:
"I'm just a panda!"

> Ranma shrugged. "Yeah. Thought the best way to deal with Shampoo is to get on her bad side. So, I'd sit in Nekohanten talking to the old ghoul, Mousse, other customers while making a mess. If I said something to her, it'd be in an insulting tone."

Yes, this is a mature and reasoned approach to solving his problems.

> Akane's practice paused as Ranma briefly leapt into the field splashed the panda with hot water and then disappeared.

Commage.  This line is missing punctuation.

> Akane had a slight smile on her face as she limped home. She paused as Sayuri waved at her and rushed straight to her.

at her; to her (repetition)

Suggest replacing the second instance with 'over'.

> "Good luck with that," Akane shot at her. "I certainly haven't gotten him to change."
>
> Shampoo clenched her fist. "I'm not weak, like you. I'll make him change for me."

Okay, I hate to do this, but that's all I can honestly take.

I'm not going to say there's something wrong with your story -- there
probably isn't.  At the same time, I don't care for the
characterizations, and the formula for this story....  To be bluntly
honest, I've read this exact story or a near clone at least forty
times; I'm positive you even wrote one or two of them (I _know_ I
wrote one).  There's nothing new this story can do with where it's
going; it's just another formulaic, "Akane decides that she and Ranma
will be together, and so, they are," story.

--I'll stop myself before I say anything truly negative.  There's a
large community of people who still enjoy those stories, even if I've
become jaded.

Your grammar is fairly solid and your stylism is fairly well
established.  With those two factors, I think you have the technical
skills to move forward.  My biases prevent me from saying more, so for
the parts I consider myself on reasonable grounds to judge, this is
nearly perfect.  Good job, and good luck.

-- 
Brian Randall