[FFML] [SHnY] Taniguchi and Kunikida are dead, chapter five.

[Michael Clark]

> "Something troubling you?" She asked, with fake innocence.

Lowercase she.

> "What is Suzumiya up to?" Kunikida asked me, as he joined Sasaki and
> myself for lunch.

I don't know if this comma is well-placed.

> "I was just asking Kunikida, if he knew if you had a part time job."

I don't think this comma needs to be here either.

> "Why?"
>
> "I've been treating girls out to lunch. It cuts into my allowance. I
> know that anyplace you'd work would be easy money, but I didn't want
> your recommendation getting in the way."
>
> "Truly, I'm hurt."
>
> "So, have you been building up a war chest to fund your future
> conquests?"
>
> "I should get on that, perhaps over the next break."
>
> "So how goes things with Asakura?"
>
> "Nothing yet, I'm afraid."
>
> "Why don't you get her alone in a room and confess your undying love
> to her? Tell her that you will follow her always, for as long as your
> heart still beats."

This stretch of dialogue may go a bit too long without tags.  I had to
backtrack to make sure I didn't get lost.

> Suzumiya had grabbed Nagato and was pulling her out of the chair with
> one hand while she had her other hand in the smaller girl's mouth.

Is that actually how you keep someone from biting their tongue during a
seizure?  I'd think that's a recipe for getting one's fingers bitten
off.  Maybe just lay her down and turn her head to the side?

This also seems very sudden.  Just, bam, Haruhi's reacting.  We don't
even get to see Nagato convulse or anything like that.

> "I'm just really impressed with everybody in this one or two clubs.
> It's like it's the Emergency Medical Technicians club. Say, where did
> Suou go?"

These clubs?  "This one or two" feels a bit off.

> That evening after I had turned off my room light and settled into bed
> I closed my eyes, but sleep eluded me.

The jump in time here feels a bit sudden to happen in two sentences, but
I concede it may be unavoidable.

> "Sorry, Kyon. Your sister made me promise. I admit that Mr. Sasaki
> frightened me a bit at first, but I have no problem with calling him
> father now. I see no reason to dishonor his name. The incident did
> make me withdraw a bit until you pried me out of my shell. Something
> happened to Suzumiya between elementary and high school. She used to
> be so outgoing, and now she interacts with just a selected few.
> Whatever it is, I'm sure she has her reasons. I'll try to not take her
> slights personally. After all she treats me no worse than she treats
> most people."

Talking about her step-father (?) here---this seems like a sudden
tangent, not really segued into by mentioning the change in her name, at
least not completely.


Beyond those minor things, I did have to think a moment when Asakura and
Kimidori threatened Kyon.  It's unclear to me how they think him
"guilty" of anything or that his lack of cooperation would be real
evidence of it.  The threat stands for itself, I guess.  I like that
Kyon tries to warn Koizumi as well as he can, knowing he's being
monitored.  On the scale of things, I'm concerned about the dynamics so
far.  Haruhi doesn't know anything.  Koizumi and Tachibana are trying to
maintain a balance.  Asakura and Kimidori seem to want Nagato back in
the fold.  Kyon can resist that for resisting's sake, but whether he
wants to or not doesn't really seem to come into it.  I don't know if
conflict is the right word, but I run through the cast of characters in
my mind, and I do wonder--what's at stake here?  The fate of the
universe?  Kyon's love life?  I can see arguments for either (or even
both), but neither seems to have come into focus yet.  There are
glimpses--the conversation with Sasaki at the beginning, Nagato having a
seizure--but I fear that, because Kyon comments so little on those
moments, their impact is downplayed.  Kyon comments more on the uneasy
feeling when Haruhi and Sasaki are in the same room than he does on
Sasaki's confession.  Not that that's unlike him, but it also gives that
moment little gravity, at least in my feeling of it.

Take that for what you will, anyway.  It may be I'm looking for
something that'd not intended to be there.  It wouldn't be the first
time.