[FFML] [Haruhi][Dark] Downfall: A Story in Three Acts -- Act III

[Brian Randall]

On Thu, Aug 11, 2011 at 11:13 PM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
>> I could, of course, have simply blown the building apart --
>> harmlessly, if she wanted -- to see where everything was.  Or try and
>> make myself _know_ it.
>
> I think you want "if I wanted" here.  I suspect it's the same for "I saw
> she was still" and such.  I can only imagine how difficult it
> is---flipping between perspectives and first/third-person.

Oops -- yeah.  I actually wrote this entire act in third person
originally, and felt it lacked emotional impact.  I revised, but
obviously missed some spots. :x

I'll do another sweep tonight to try and clean those up (I probably
posted too hastily, as always).  Some embarassing spelling errors too
... spellchecker betrays me once more. >_>;;

>> But ... if he really didn't have any grudge against me, there was
>> something I didn'tunderstand.  "S...so ... why aren't you better
>> friends with the other copy of me, then?"  And I know there has to be
>> one, or else he wouldn't have diferentiated between 'Suzumiya' and
>> 'Haruhi' when he saw me ... though, understanding that now actually
>> makes an almost painful warmth fill my chest.  "You _know_ her, so....
>> Why don't you even call her by her first name?"
>>
> The thought process seems a bit off here.  Since she asks before she
> comes to the conclusion, it feels...meandering.

You're right -- I'll clean that up a bit, too.

> In large part, these last two installments have been about Haruhi
> questioning what she believed, what rationalizations she'd built up, and
> confronting the truth.  It seems fair and necessary that much of this
> part relies on exposition, on Haruhi finding out the facts and us
> sharing in her realization of what's really happened.  In that sense,
> though, it feels like all of Haruhi's decisions have been made by now
> (or were made in part two).  It feels a little like an epilogue as a
> result.

There really is no dramatic tension here, which someone else pointed
out tends to be a failing of my conclusions.  I don't know that this
specific story is something I can fix with regards to that, but it's
something I'll need to be aware of in the future.

> On the flip side of things, I feel for Haruhi as relief and joy kick in
> and she can finally shed her guilt.  This is as happy an ending one
> could expect, and it's not something undeserved after what everyone
> involved has been through.

That's about my goal, though I think it was a bit clumsier than I
would have liked.  One thing I'd really like to do is work in the
implication that, without her friends being dead, Haruhi has no reason
to keep Koizumi suffering.  That part probably comes across as more
than a little spiteful, but I'm not sure how best to address it.

> Good luck whever your writing takes you.

Thanks -- and thanks especially for the (remarkably swift!) C&C. :)

> -MC
-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.