[FFML] [SHnY][..IN SPACE!] The Nightmare of Sagittarius -- Prologue

[Brian Randall]

On Thu, Aug 11, 2011 at 6:13 AM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:
> On Wed, Aug 10, 2011 at 8:02 PM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>> The president flinched
>> back, and again, no one should blame him for that.
>
> Should seems to indicate that the time tenses gathered by the and are
> different and so not parallel.

A mistake, I will fix this.

>>     Author's Notes: I'm coming back to this one after far too long
>> away from it.  I like the idea, and I know how it ends.  Let's see if
>> we can get there.
>
> This seems far too abrupt. Haruhi simply does not rewrite the world
> with every story she reads.  How about a progression where the
> graphics are boring, VR gear should be affordable, higher resolution
> must be available, holotanks are common, etc. Until she (and everybody
> else) is sucked in.

...please re-read.  Then suggest how I can make it more obvious that
Nagato rewrote the world, NOT Haruhi.  Seeing as she was the one
apologizing to Kyon, etc.

The premise is 'Nagato's Disappearance frustration found an earlier
outlet than anticipated'.

I'm supremely irritated I've sat on this for a year and failed to make
that clearer.  Ugh.

Nevermind; I'll just toss it back on the scrap pile and get back to Downfall.

Thanks for letting me know before I wasted more effort on this one.

> -HJC
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-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.