[FFML] [SHnY][Dark] Downfall: Act II -- Revelation

[Brian Randall]

On Sun, Aug 7, 2011 at 3:45 PM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
>> Losing my self control cost me three people I had known as friends,
>> once.  I wouldn't let it happen again.
>
> Is it self control or self-control?

Wiki suggests both.  But if I can hyphenate, I'll hyphenate.

>> I smiled politely, feeling strangely certain that today, they won't
>> need me at all.  I think Itsuki sensed that too, because he gave me
>> the faintest shrug as if to say, 'Well, what can you do?'  So for the
>> next several hours, we got to watch the control center for the
>> collider run smoothly.  It was a rare opportunity, and I shouldn't
>> want something to go wrong to justify my interference....
>
> These three paragraphs mix present and past tense a bit.

I've got real issues with associating first person with present tense
(too much 'Kyon' PoV).

There's a paragraph further down where I switched to third person
inexplicably. :\

>> If a black hole formed, then I'd prevent anything from going wrong, or
>> people from being hurt.  If the machinery broke, I could fix that ...
>> though with time, they wouldn't really need me at all.  Other than
>> that, I just watched.
>
> I'm not so sure a black hole fromed by the LHC would be damaging in any
> meaningful sense anyway, though I suppose since Haruhi is a catch-all
> safety net here, it'd be meaningless to not bring up even a remote
> possibility.  Nevertheless, I'd thought a small black hole would just
> evaporate quickly until it couldn't even be called a black hole anymore.

As far as we know it should be harmless, yeah.  But then, if you had a
Haruhi around....

>> She called him 'brother', not 'Kyon'.  He confided in me once that
>> he'd always wanted her to call him that again ... and it was only
>> after I....
>
> Maybe Brother instead of brother?

Good call.

> I think this is a little fast; we're taken from describing Nonoko to
> yanking one of Itsuki's men away in hardly two sentences.  How does she
> know he's one of Itsuki's?  By how he dresses?  By an earpiece?
> Meaningless details, perhaps, but I think it would serve to slow this
> paragraph down a little bit and flow more naturally.

Hmm, okay.  It does also work to highlight that Haruhi's reaching for
things to distract herself from facing what's in front of her (there's
a veneer of denial that I'm trying to make present throughout -- which
is why the string is pulled so easily).

> This instance of calling him Koizumi seems to stick out.  It doesn't
> stick out later, when she addresses him with her suspicions, but this
> one feels off.

Yeah, it's a typo -- the only instance of 'Koizumi' should be from
Mikuru's dialog.

> Self-defense.

Got it.

> Hilariously, I was planning something just like this.  Argh.  I guess
> it's not the first time, not the last either.

It's happened to me a few times, as well. >_>;;

>> "Suzumiya-san ... would Kyon kissing someone else truly do such a
>> thing?  I ... realize that this was wrong of me because it must have
>> hurt you, and nothing can change that -- but don't blame him.  My
>> younger self only thought it was a chance to try and make him feel
>> happier, and to confess...."
>>
>> "It did," she sobbed, the last of her denial torn away like a fresh
>> scab -- exposing the unhealed wound beneath.  It was petty and
>> pathetic ... how had she....  Why did she believe....
>
> I'm not sure if I missed something in these two paragraphs, but it's not
> clear to me what happened or what Mikuru is trying to say.  It seems
> like Mikuru realizes that kissing Kyon helped incite Haruhi's anger, but
> she seems to go from denying it to accepting it in too short a span.  It
> feels like there should be another paragraph between these two that
> leads to that effect.

Erh, yeah, this needs to be clarified.  Mikuru is saying that just her
kissing Kyon wouldn't truly have genuinely catastrophic consequences
-- it couldn't have been a plan to hurt her.  Yeah, that's ...
exceedingly poorly written on my part. >.>;;

Haruhi agrees, but then says it really hurt her anyway.  So:

     "Suzumiya-san ... would Kyon kissing someone else truly do such a
thing?  Would it be so destructive and dangerous?"

     "It was," I sobbed, the pain of that rising once again.  Still,
there was no anger, just hurt.

     "I ... realize that this was wrong of me because it must have
hurt you, and nothing can change that -- but don't blame him," Mikuru
breathed, still hugging me tightly.  "My younger self only thought it
was a chance to try and make him feel happier, and to confess...."

     How could I try and hate her for having her own feelings?  The
last of my denial torn away like a fresh scab -- exposing the unhealed
wound beneath.  It was petty and pathetic ... how had I....  Why did I
believe....

     Some grand plan to betray me?  Or something as simple as a mere kiss?

     But because Itsuki was John Smith....

>> "I'm not your toy, Itsuki," she whispered coldly, as the warmth became
>> uncomfortable heat, spearing in tendrils through his flesh and deeper
>> into his body.  "After that ... what you made me do....  I'm going to
>> do to myself whatever it is that I did to Kyon."
>
> Nice call back.  The return to Sigh makes this one pay off very well.

Was hoping that worked.

> I'd struggled for a bit to find something to say about the first
> installment.  This second part brings things into focus enough for me to
> have something coherent to say.  I like this idea of Haruhi trying to
> make some amends for her crime and Koizumi using that to manipulate her
> into being a benevolent god.  On the one hand, it feels fast--that
> several years of Koizumi's subterfuge would come unglued in such a
> short, concentrated span.  But it doesn't feel like it's unduly fast.
>
> Beyond all that, I like how Haruhi's got it fixed in her mind that Kyon
> betrayed her and that it takes a good deal of evidence to persuade her
> otherwise.  It feels very appropriate that she'd cling to the idea of
> being wronged, if only to take away some small part of her guilt, to
> make the intent justified even if the full mangitude of her actions
> wasn't.  This rationalization is, I dare say, utterly required to make
> her character work here.

I couldn't see it playing out any other ways, either. >_>;;

> Looking foward to the final part.

Well, haven't even started writing it, but glad to hear it. :p

This part probably could use a bit more revision -- Nonoko throwing
out the 'toy' line seems a bit unprovoked. I'll have to clean that
up....

Alrighty -- thanks greatly for the feedback!

> -MC
-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.