[FFML] [P&F] The Grave of Candace Flynn

[nightelf]

How to put it.

Great idea; more than a bit rushed in parts, though.

On Aug 6, 2011, at 12:30 AM, Henry Cobb wrote:

> [P&F] The Grave of Candace Flynn
> By Henry J. Cobb
>
>
>
> I walked over to Phineas, grabbed him by the shoulders and turned  
> him to
> face me. "Phineas Flynn, who is buried in my grave?"
>
> A look of total horror swept over his face. "No! You can't be dead,
> Candace. Not you. Not the most wonderful sister in the entire  
> world!" He
> broke down sobbing.
>

How to put it... this needs to be far more than just this.  This needs  
to *break* Phineas.  Show the pieces slowly fall away.


>
> Mom and Dad got there in half the time they took to respond to my  
> busting
> calls. By the time they arrived I had already tucked Phineas into  
> his bed
> and was waiting in the living room.

Area #2 where this needs to expand.  Candace has a little time to  
think.  Let her think.

>
> "Why does Phineas think that I am dead, and who is in my grave?"
>
> "My daughter is dead."
>

Describe how Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher looks at this moment.  I imagine  
very, very old and tired.


> "Mom! Then what am I?"
>
> "Phineas' greatest invention." It was Ferb who answered.
>
> "What? Am I some sort of robot?"
>
> "An organic android clone. Even your brain is mostly human. But we  
> didn't
> have a brain recording from Candace, so Phineas used his own, with  
> some
> fancy editing."
>
> "No wonder I hallucinate myself as Kevin."
>
> "Oh, does that happen often?"
>
> "Only when I'm dreaming. Fine, then what happened to Candace  
> Gertrude Flynn?"
>
> "Phineas had been so busy thinking about something that he never saw  
> the
> truck. She pushed him out of the way. Her blood splattered over him,  
> and he
> hasn't been the same since. I think that's why you're so keen to bust
> him. He blames himself for her death, and that carried over into your
> brain. Shall we erase your memories to back before you figured this  
> out?"
>
> "No."
>
> "Candace, dear. It doesn't hurt a bit. I've seen it done on you  
> several
> times, and you never noticed a thing."
>
> "No, Dad. Say, can I call you Dad, Mom and brothers?"
>
> "Yes." The three of them said at the same time.

This is the first bit in thirteen paragraphs where something other  
than a quote is given.  The next one occurs nine paragraphs from  
this.  Considering the absolute gut-wringer of this moment, you need  
to show the interplay of people during it - the emotions, the  
actions... when the work NEEDS introspection, it basically becomes  
script.

Which brings me to the other thing that's missing here.  There needs  
to be some "Who am I?" thoughts here.  It goes to "Can I still be your  
sister?" and "I'm a living monument" way too fast.  Again, too much  
dialogue, not enough introspection.  Recommend rewriting the work from  
the moment Candace starts talking with her mom, and putting in this  
introspection.

The "can't bust him more than he's busted himself" was a nice touch at  
the end... but you need to get through the calculations before you get  
to the solution.

Overall, it's good, but it can be so much better.

-- Nick