[FFML] [fanfic][Sailormoon] Moonshadow, chapter 18 (draft)

[miashara at deepfriedpuppies.com]

To go through this briefly, at least from the POV of someone who  
hasn't read the preceding chapters, it read well. The flow of  
narration was fast, as was fitting for what appears to be a bridging  
chapter, and I could figure out what has happened before without it  
seeming belabored. It took a couple readings of the interaction of  
Mamoru's family to get the dynamic, but I think that's a good thing.  
Coming in half-way to a fairly complicated family dynamic should be  
slightly confusing.

You also used semicolons. It's shocking.

> "Thank you for making time to meet with my friend and I, Chiba-san," Usagi

I'm pretty sure that should be "-my friend and me,-"

> "Kino Makoto. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu," Makoto replied, bowing as well,
> feeling somewhat uncomfortable with the extreme level of formality. Japanese
> though she may be, she had always been an extremely casual person.

Some tense confusion there, or is the present tense 'japanese as she  
may be' supposed to contrast the past (perfect? pluperfect? I never  
remember my English tense names) casual person description?

>
> After cleaning up the tea service, she picked up the phone and called her
> husband.
>
> ?

Ha! Found it! It was like an Easter egg hunt.

> He knew she had not disclosed all the details of her friend's situation, but
> what little she had told him had been enough to enlist his support--being an
> orphan himself, and having been fortunate enough to be adopted and cared for
> by a loving family, he felt a twinge of sympathy for a girl who had not been
> so lucky.

This I thought was curious. Considering:

> "Instead of living on the streets as one of the homeless, she found a means
> to support herself. Through prostitution."

Now, the mother's revelation is obvious. One wouldn't want that secret  
to come out suddenly later. It also does a good job of portraying the  
characterization of the old woman as honest. But I'm not sure why  
Usagi wouldn't have told Mamoru considering the openness with which  
she reveals the secret to his mother.

It seems like she's playing him against his mother, which is in  
keeping with her sneakiness, but also very risky. The family doesn't  
seem to have much of a hold on him, but perhaps that's something I'm  
not aware of, coming in half way? Anyway, the difference in approaches  
struck me.

> girl. She is in desperate need of a change in her situation. We can provide
> that change, and _there is very little to lose in doing so_."

That is far from necessarily the truth. Emphasis mine.

> The biometic lock on the safe was disabled; the safe itself had been torn

Now between the British English and the Japanese, I've been avoiding  
any kind of spelling correction for fear of simply missing something,  
but are you sure you didn't mean biometric?

> Luna twitched an ear. "Bulfecium inherently conducts negative energy. That's
> why the Dark Kingdom prizes it for use in magical and alchemioal devices."

alchemical.


It's a Sailormoon fic. There has to be a scene on top the Tokyo Tower.  
I think it's in the rules somewhere.

Anyway, as above, decent read. Good luck to you.

MIA