[FFML] Re [SI] Chance of a Millennium 4-6 B

[Chester Castañeda]

> unlikely that there was any subterfuge or malicious intent on her part. And finally, there was his promise to help Serenity get home. Stifling a local Goddess' attempts at

Revise: Goddess' --> goddess'

> Kyle nodded, grinning slightly at her look of discomfort. "Your world.. your

Revise: world.. --> world... (ellipsis error)

> universe, is known in mine through a series of games called Warcraft. While I doubt

Revise: universe, is --> universe is (unnecessary comma)

> Outland will play a part, best to include everything, right? Who knows what will

Suggest: part, best --> part, it's best

> Elune looked somewhat uneasy with that, but nodded, before turning to look at Matt.

Revise: nodded, before --> nodded before

> Matt shrugged, getting rather bored with the scenery. He'd entertained himself while

Suggest: shrugged, getting --> shrugged as he started to get

> "Woah! What?" Kyle asked, watching the Goddess collapse into a bench that seemed to

Revise: Goddess --> goddess

> Finally, she stood up once more, wiping her eyes before turning to look at Kyle with a scowl. "I know it was unintentional, but know that a copywriter term like Warcraft does not preclude the words that make it up."
>
> Kyle's eyes widened as he realized what she'd just seen. "War Craft... the art of War... Ouch... I'm sorry... Did you just get a glimpse at our world's history?"
>
> Elune nodded. "I fear for your planet, the life on it, and its tenuous future."

Well, I kind of like this scene, although she's not really saying that
everyone doesn't already know. The way Kyle's thought processes keeps
getting distracting like a normal human being's would is a nice touch.

> "Strange, isn't it?" Matt snorted, and shrugged helplessly. "We're not trying to

Revise: snorted, and --> snorted and

> justify our world's way of life. I suppose you're a bit lucky your evils are a bit

Uh, dude, reality check--you and that other guy are two gamer geeks
writing fanfics about Sailor Moon and World of Warcraft. You're the
last guys I want to hear about the evils and war-mongering nature of
humankind. It'd make more sense for Elune to make her comment after
seeing the desensitizing news we are currently and had been watching.

> more clear-cut here.

Then again, Neo Queen Serenity is arguably forcing her benevolence
over people's throats, I hear...

> Elune looked somewhat taken aback by that, but finally gave a nod. "So it would seem. There were quite a few blank spots, so it remains to be seen whether or not your world is truly as bad off as I suspect." She paused, looking thoughtful for a moment, before shrugging. "It's... odd, not knowing enough about a world to know what steps to take, if any, in guiding its people."

Er, yeah. How about moving the plot along and read all the spoilers
and whatnot that you can read off of Kyle, Miss Goddess
Extraordinaire?

> Kyle frowned quizzically at her. "Since you can't really reach it, how would you go about guiding it? Aside from an intellectual exercise in theological physics.. meta-physics? para physics?" he trailed off as he tried to come up with the best phrasing.

Revise: physics.. --> physics... (ellipses are made with three periods
or a glyph)

Also: meta-physics --> metaphysics (dictionary-verifiable word, hyphen needed)
Furthermore physics? para physics --> physics? Para-physics

Finally: Why study physics when you still have to study grammar first, Kyle?

> Serenity, still somewhat confused, finally turned to Elune and asked: "What about your world? Did you learn what you had hoped?"

Kyle: Spoilers! I got your spoilers right here! (points at his brain)

>another aspect to have fallen so... and yet, there is nothing I can do." She shook her head sadly, before turning to look at Kyle. "I fear your thoughts on the draconian
> out game terms.
>

Revise: sadly, before --> sadly before

> "Err.. what?" Kyle asked, intelligently, as the goddess suddenly started sprouting

Revise: "Err.. --> Err... / Er... (ellipsis error)

Revise: asked, intelligently, as --> asked intelligently as

Also: intelligently --> unintelligently

Furthermore: sprouting --> spouting

Grammar Rule #29: Puns are for children, not groan readers.

> Elune's smile widened. "I know what you know. From Player-Versus-Player to Aggro Management." her smile had started to look forced. "On the other hand... I'm somewhat

Revise: Management." her --> Management." Her

> sorry to say that Humans have yet to appeal to me for patronage except in odd cases, and none of the one's I've helped were called..." she trailed off with a frown, "Tannim Fodder?"

Revise: one's I've --> ones I've (punctuation error, don't use the
apostrophe-s to indicate plural words)

> "In most games like that I tended to die. A lot. Usually by throwing myself at the

Revise: that I --> that, I

> enemy. It seemed appropriate for a tank."

My goodness, it's like they're telling their whole life stories here.
Move it along, people! I'm twenty-nine pages in, and nothing of
consequence has yet happened.

> Looking somewhat scandalized, Kyle smile, but couldn't meet her gaze. "Well, see,

Revise: Kyle smile --> Kyle smiled,

> there was this girl..."
>
> Elune cut him off. "I find myself no longer caring.

Heh. Elune really does read minds, including the reader's.

> You certainly had your share of characters... Though Jae stands out most definitely in your mind as your primary." She paused, before grinning. "Almost like a Champion...

Revise: She paused, before --> She paused before

> "And as for you," she said, turning to Matt again, "A Blood Elf Paladin... You'd be surprised to know just how poorly Kyle here thinks of that particular combination."

Hey, no tattling of the private thoughts of others, you snitch.

Matt: It's okay, I expected as much.

> Matt scrunched up his face in thought. "Oh yeah... it'd been so long since I played when I got the free trail for Burning Crusade I made a paladin so I could relearn how

Revise: free trail --> free trial (unless they really do give trails
for free with WoW)

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellchecker.

> to play them. The blood elf was the new thing at the time, so..." he stuck his tongue out at Kyle. "Like I care what you think about what I make. If I ever come back to the

Revise: so..." he --> so..." He (lack of a speech indicator indicates
that the tongue part was a separate sentence altogether)

> game I'm making a gnome just to spite you."

Revise: game I'm --> game, I'm

> Elune nodded. "I see..." She glanced once more at the planet floating above them all, before nodding to herself and turning towards Serenity. "I think, for this, I'll need

Revise: all, before --> all before

> your help. I can give these two some of the skills of their characters; an understanding of Azeroth from a native's point of view, even functional disguises and equipment."

Ah, I see. Elune is their plot device to get them powers, or else
they'll be nothing more than hobbits in a land filled with warriors
and magicians.

> "What do we do?" Kyle asked.
>
> "Wake up in a few minutes. Tell me though, do you, Kyle, prefer, as I think, the Rogue's way of life here on Azeroth?"

Again, you're using too many prepositional phrases. I suggest
separating the different phrases into individual sentences for the
sake of easier reading. You've broken Grammar Rule #43 all over again.
> Kyle blinked at that. "Umm.. I do, yes."

Revise: Umm.. --> Um...

> Elune nodded again, before turning to Serenity. "Well then, you heard the

Revise: again, before --> again before

> Serenity looked stricken for a moment, before glancing at Matt and Kyle and stifling

Revise: moment, before --> moment before

> "Oh, I'm sure you'll get over it," Elune's voice called, sounding like it was miles away, and growing further with alarming speed. "After all, you're going to be dealing with much, much worse..."

Nice cliffhanger, but I'm so sure about the way you've handled the
pacing of this fic. So far, we have Serenity running away,
disappearing, Matt and Kyle looking for her, them running into Night
Elves, them going into _yet another_ dimension--a dream world this
time--to talk to a goddess that somehow has a link with Serenity, then
they're magically transformed into their favored class by this walking
phlebotinum.

It doesn't seem like it at first glance, but nearly next to nothing
happened this whole chapter (in contrast to the, er, random encounter
they had at Ironforge). All I can suggest is pick the pace up
(although I do appreciate the extra effort you put in making this
realm a lot more immersive; just don't overdo it). I also hope that
Serenity won't be turned into just another woman-behind-the-scenes
type of character, since your unique take of Serenity being a hands-on
queen was what drew me to C&C this fic for a second time (although,
reality-wise, this pregnant woman is better off not fighting the
hordes of darkness or whatever).

> Xxxxx
>
> Author's Notes: Well, after trying this on the forum, I got a complaint that what I was talking about was too... term-specific. And while I try to avoid that as much as possible, It's impossible to completely avoid.

Is it impossible to capitalize correctly too? Because from my end,
_that's_ a bigger problem than the number of technical terms your
story is using. Also, you're really dragging the pacing of this story
on its feet.

> HOWEVER, I'd just like to point out that, as far as Warcraft goes, there's more than just the MMO. There are three single-player games, which build the story up before the MMO, and numerous novels and comics that detail the world of Azeroth. Don't let an
Aversion to MMOs or a bad experience drive you away from one of the
most immersive stories available.

Seriously, you're not sponsored by the makers of WoW in any way?
Because you could've fooled me. With that said, I can see your
tendency to capitalize is apparent even when you write author notes. I
just wanted to point that out.

> Some of the Series I now write fics about were introduced to me by Fanfic Authors crossing over with something I'd either written off or never heard of. Evangelion being the biggest I can think of, off the bat. I hated the series until enough fics explained to me that all my assumptions were way off base.

On the other hand, there are those who read _one_ fic crossover that
was instantly put-off by what they read (then again, suckiness of the
writing aside, the Gantz-Ranma 1/2 fusion I read confirmed to me that
Gantz is the type of series I'll only bother to watch if I'm in the
right mood--as in a grisly, dark, and nineties anti-hero mood).

> If you're curious, most of the lore is broken down on the WoWwiki, (wowwiki-dot-com) a great site for harcore WoW players, and people who just want to know who the heck

Revise: harcore --> hardcore

> this Illidan Stormrage person is. It has game stats, of course, but it also explains the lore far better than I ever could in a fic.

Gotcha. Though, to be honest, the reason I'm C&Cing this fic is the

> Player-versus-Environment (PvE) means that all areas (except the opposing factions home cities) are free to explore in, and players who wish to engage in PvP combat must manually toggle the PvP 'flag.'

Revise: factions home --> factions' home (because I believe you're
trying to indicate that "factions" possesses "home cities")

> Role-Playing (RP) servers (And Role-Playing Player-versus-Player) are the same as regular (PvE, PvP) Servers, except that emphasis is placed on playing the role of the character you create. Instead of running around, talking about how horrible work was, while killing monsters repeatedly for a specific reason, players are often seen walking everywhere, talking in their race's original language until they feel they've 'learned' another language through exposure (or teaching, I guess...) and completing quests and killing monsters in a way that's in-character, much like authors who write fan fiction try to keep the characters they borrowed from staying too far out of character.

Cool. In many ways, this chapter could be seen as an exercise in
role-playing. From an outsider's POV, the fic really put a lot of
dedication in shaping the world and making it as engaging as possibly.
A pity that it somewhat went overboard with its portrayals from time
to time.

> Elune is the Goddess most Night Elves worship. A Pacifistic God by nature, she does assist in her follower's battles (Moonfire, specifically, as a spell in WoW, and in

I think you meant: follower's --> followers'

> lore, she tends to put enemies to sleep) but most of the time, deplores violence. She's the Moon Goddess, much like Serenity is in Sailor Moon.

Ah, so that's where the sister comment came from. How convenient _and_
in-line with the game's universe. ^_^

> Elune looks like a Night Elf, because, inversely, she's said to have influenced them or something like that, and basically, created them in her own image. I'm still of the impression that they're just highly-evolved Trolls, but nothing's been established in cannon to fully suggest (or deny) that.

Revise: cannon --> canon

> As I explained to Matt, as bad as Azeroth has it, the most violent thing to have

Ah, so the writer here is actually Kagato, huh?

E-heh, I hope there are no hard feelings with my bashing of Kyle the
character. It's all in good fun. Or if there are, the only thing I can
say in my defense is that I'm critiquing the self-insert the same way
I would critique a character.

I can only hope that you understand where I'm coming from with my
criticisms. I'm not harping on Kagato the author, I'm just noting how
supremely unimpressed I am with Kagato the self-insert and how he's
written in the story (since, obviously, I don't even know who the
"real" Kyle is). That is all. ^^;

...Next chapter!

> Chapter 6
>
> Xxxx
>
> Kyle couldn't help but frown at that. He'd been placed in a bed, was he in a hospital now? Or some sort of clinic? Pain was shunted aside as worry forced its way to the fore of his thoughts. Had there been a Horde raid?

Revise: Horde raid --> horde raid

> That... was not his voice. Surprise, disbelieve, and worse, a vague understanding warring with fear forced his eyes open, and, ignoring the pain, he sat up, feeling an unfamiliar shifting on his chest, and the soft brush of hair along his brow and the back of his neck.

Kyle: Oh not, Elune turned me into a large, moob-sporting basement
dweller with long hair! AHHHHHHH! I look like the Comic Book Guy!

> Looking down in shock at his blue-ish, slender hands, before reaching up and poking

Revise: blue-ish --> bluish (this is actually a word, funnily enough)

> his... no, her chest tentatively, Kyle shifted his shocked gaze to Serenity, the look dissolving into the most intense glare he could muster upon waking up, and waited for an explanation.

Huh. So he turned into an Avatar-ish smurfy catgirl? Well, it couldn't
have happened to a nicer person.

> Kyle sighed, reaching back to hold her hair off her neck. "Ugh, I need a scrunchie." She froze, went crossed-eyed for a second, then turned to Serenity, eyes wide. "WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
>
> "You said you needed a scrunchie," Matt mumbled helpfully, as he was awakened by the shouting.

Heh. I'm not sure what what's the point of him being Ranma-fied, but
it is worth the first few chuckles. Otherwise, it's just weird.

> "BUT WHY!?"

Long hair. Duh. Don't be such a girl about it.

> "For your luxuriously long hair. Duh." Matt stated

Revise: Duh." Matt --> Duh," Matt (speech indicator error)

Also: Great minds think alike.

> both his arms and he assumed the rest of his body. In shock he reached up to discover he himself had a fairly sizable mane of hair. He tugged a strand down to get a better

Revise: In shock he --> In shock, he (missing comma)

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(b) After an introductory participial phrase.

> look, and what was previously mud-brown now shone with an almost inner light, the blondest blond he had ever seen outside of someone from Sweden.

Heh.

> "I'm Jae- what the HELL?" The (new) female night elf cried, before covering her mouth with a hand in shock. Blinking a couple times, Kyle tried again. "I'm... Kyle. The one with black hair. And holy crap, I almost said blue. By the goddess, what happened... to... SERENITY!" Spinning to pin the leader of the Silver Millennium with a far more frigid glare than earlier, Kyle demanded: "what, exactly, did Elune do?"

Revise: "what --> "What

> "I've slept with how many women?!" Matt whispered in fascinated horror to himself. "But that was Tannim! Not... wow. Some of them were really limber..."

Matt: Oh, the horror! Having relations with wenches! Bah!

> Serenity, despite flinching at the vehemence in Kyle's voice when she yelled at him, nodded thoughtfully. "You were given the bodies, skills, and, as you've probably begun to realize, memories of two warriors, much like you had played. Since battles can be a matter of life and death in a single moment, we elected to leave the abilities and memories of the abilities as close to the surface as possible without overwriting... well... who you are. So habits, expletives, common behavior... most of what they would do in their day to day life might have a bit of an effect on you."

I have to admit, this is a rather unique take as self-insertion. It's
not that I never heard of multiple personalities in one body before,
but in the context of merging a WoW (ahem) avatar with a self-insert,
this is somewhat an innovative story element. Then again, maybe I
haven't read enough self-insert fics. At any rate, I approve.

> "But..." Kyle paused, searching for the words, while absently reaching over to the

Revise: words, while --> words while

> Glancing over at Matt, Kyle smirked. "At least it's not just me."

Kyle: Well, I remember you talking about preferring snarky girls to
guys in your last C&C...

Me: Huh. What'd you know? That's a strange coincidence, Night Elf Daria.

> It took a second for Matt to realize Kyle was referring to him, but when he did his face broke out in a nasty grin. "Are you kidding? I've just been turned into a sexy bishonen. You've been turned into a girl. I fail to see the downside on my end."

...Fangirls using other bishonen avatars to get some boy's love going
on in the game?

> In the tradition of his belief in returning curses with blessing, Matt made the Vulcan sign for peace, realizing he had the ears for it. "Live long and prosper."

Heh.

> Kyle returned it with a much less peaceful hand sign. "Go F*#k yourself."

Heh.

Although: Go F*#k yourself --> Go f*#k yourself

> "Anyway," Serenity said, trying to draw their attention back to the current going-ons,

Revise: going-ons --> goings-on

> Kyle groaned and crawled out of the bed, frowning at the way her clothes were stretching in the hips,

Isn't it "on" his hips instead of "in" them?

> and loose in shoulders and waist. And there was a wad of cloth between her legs. "I have no clue how Ranma did it, because boxers bunch up something fierce," She mumbled,

Revise: fierce," She --> fierce," she

Also: Ranma was able to do it because the author had no idea what
boxers did or did not do.

> scourge. Apparently the person Elune based him on had been a playboy up until then, but then decided to dedicate the rest of his life to seeing the undead menace destroyed utterly. It was something Matt admired and agreed to.

Revise: Apparently the --> Apparently, the

Use commas when...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(e) After an introductory adverbial element.

> With a bit more grumbling from Kyle, and the occasional enthusiastic discovery by Matt, the intrepid band of newly-minted adventurers set off on their quest for the Silver Crystal.

Revise: newly-minted --> newly minted

Grammar Rule #87, dude.

> "This is great! Look at this sword!" Matt cried with glee. He gave the blade a few practice swipes, marveling at the strength of his arms and ease in which he controlled the direction of the swings.
>
> "This sucks." Kyle replied, looking down at his- now her- chest.
>
> "Be careful what you say. My sister's gift is a blessing in more ways than one," Serenity intoned, though the way she snuck smirk-laden glances at Kyle somewhat undermined her words.

Although it's a great comeuppance that should teach Kyle to not mouth
off against goddesses capable of rewriting reality to their whim, this
"punishment" is a lot more appropriate against a misogynist than a
card-carrying jerk. Kyle's more of a typical,
going-through-the-motions rude geek than an actual chauvinist pig;
he's an equal opportunity douche bag, even.

> "Matt... I've got boobs. And big ears. Very long, sensitive ears. Ears that are hearing people over thataway talking about how cute I am, and Serenity too. If you

Suggest: thataway --> that-away

> don't want to find a dagger in your armor, I'd suggest you shut up."
>
> Matt snickered, but refrained from commenting.
>
> "Your ears are twitching," Kyle muttered.

LOL.

> "So... where are we going?" Serenity asked, as Kyle lead them towards a series of buildings off to the side of the city.

Revise: asked, as --> asked as (comma error)

Also: Kyle lead --> Kyle led (tense problems)

> "Well, Matt seems to have gotten a sword, but all I found in that small backpack the Priestesses gave me were some... err... rough-looking underwear," Kyle's cheeks colored

Revise: Priestesses --> priestesses

> as he said this, and he quickly pressed on, "and some sort of traveling cloak. As annoying as it is to have my boxers bunching up, I'd prefer machined cotton to hand-woven linen." Kyle replied.

Revise: linen," Kyle

> Serenity, smelling blood in the water, grinned ferally before asking nonchalantly, "and what does Jae think?"

Revise: "and --> "And

> "Why am I not wearing a bra? And what the hell happened to my panties!?" Kyle said, slightly louder than intended, before clamping a hand over her runaway mouth.

TMI?

> "You may not agree, but your body knows better. And I do too. We're going to have to buy you some support. And possibly a set of spares," Serenity decreed.

(getting flashbacks of Kenko's Girl Days)

> Matt, with earnest prompting from Tannim's memories, realized the danger he was in and, in his best impression of a rogue, tried to stealthily make his way in the opposite direction. "I wonder where I can get a drink around here? Or some armor?" His

Those aren't questions.

Revise: here? --> here.

Also: armor? --> armor.

> "Matt! Get back here! Don't abandon me to this!" Kyle shouted, turning to catch the

Suggest: to this! --> like this!

> fleeing Paladin.

Revise: Paladin --> paladin

> Unfortunately, a surprisingly strong hand landed on her shoulder, preventing her from getting away. "Let him go. Where we're going is not for him," Serenity intoned solemnly. Then her eyes sparkled, and she clapper her hands together with a look of

Revise: clapper her --> clapped her

> pure glee on her face. "Oh, I haven't had a chance to go shopping since the last Venus was chosen! We're going to have so much fun!"

LOL.

> Needless to say, despite her protests, complaints, and generally unpleasant attitude, Serenity and Kyle left the store changed women, Serenity having traded in her silver

Suggest: despite her --> despite Kyle's

Also: store changed --> store as changed

> dress for a much less extravagant robe, while Kyle wore a set dyed-leather armor,

Revise: robe, while --> robe while

> "You didn't do too badly in there," Serenity stated, as they looked around for Matt.

Revise: stated, as --> stated as

> "A couple times, I think I might have actually caught you having fun."
>
> Kyle nodded. "Yeah, there are a couple times where the shock, horror, humiliation,

Revise: both instances of "a couple times" --> a couple of times

> Serenity's grin fell. "I see. I suppose it was too much to assume a man would be able to simply enjoy the experience."

Never, unless that man likes other men.

> Serenity gaped at her. "How could you turn something so... free... into something to rush through as quickly as possible!?"

I dunno. Why do women turn something so straightforward into an event?

> As they walked through the town, Kyle considered her answer, before replying. "It's a

Revise: answer, before --> answer before

> matter of personality. I'm an introvert by nature. I prefer being alone. Crowds... bother me. They're oppressive and encompassing, it's disconcerting and sort of... anxiety-inducing. And there's the anger."

Awwww. They're bonding.

> "Anger?" Serenity asked, as they approached a somewhat-crowded building, the sound of

Revise: asked, as --> asked as (comma error)

> "I dunno about the moon, but on Earth, there are a lot of people who go with the

Suggest: the moon, but on Earth, --> the Moon, but on Earth, / the
moon, but on earth,

Capitalize:

4. Proper nouns

* Names of celestial bodies: Mars, Saturn, the Milky Way. Do not,
however, capitalize earth, moon, sun, except when those names appear
in a context in which other (capitalized) celestial bodies are
mentioned. "I like it here on earth," but "It is further from Earth to
Mars than it is from Mercury to the Sun.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/capitals.htm

> crowd. They... they're sheep. Sure, they're individuals, with dreams and fears, and all that comes with being your own person... but they don't try to break the mold... instead of challenging stereotypes, and doing what they want, you can see them doing what's expected, and that look in their eyes.. it's like.. they hate it, and they know

Revise: stereotypes, and --> stereotypes and

Also: eyes.. it's like.. --> eyes... it's like...

> Kyle shrugged. "It's not as bad as I think I've made it out to be. There's colors and

Revise: There's --> There are

> sounds and laughter and all that. They're not all miserable or anything. It's just... a product of the past, heading towards an unknown future."

Huh. I categorically agree with Kyle in regards to his backpedaling statement.

> "Setsuna was always a favorite of mine, along with Hotaru and Makoto," Kyle replied, earning a puzzled look from Serenity. "Oh.. I assume their names are different in the Silver Millennium? I meant Pluto, Saturn, and Jupiter."

Revise: Oh.. --> Oh... (ellipsis error)

> Serenity took a deep breath, before nodding. "I understand. And I believe that's him

Revise: breath, before --> breath before

> Pulling her index finger out of the twirl of hair wrapped around it, Kyle buried her face in her palm with a barely-suppressed groan.

Revise: barely-suppressed --> barely suppressed

> "This one's called the Macarena!"

(does a facepalm as well)

> Kyle's vague amusement died at that. "Don't ask," she spat, before smiling. "It was actually sort of a blur. But! Did you know Serenity kind of forgot I was a guy and tried to change with me? She wears this little... err..." Turning to glance at the

Heh. Humiliated Kyle is growing on me. Sure, he's still a jerk for the
sake of story, but still, he has times of hilarity here and there.

> suddenly-glaring Queen of the Moon, Kyle's mouth snapped shut with a little click.

suddenly-glaring --> suddenly glaring (hyphen not needed)

> "Karla! A flagon of your finest ale!" Matt shouted towards a barmaid who looked entirely too happy to fill his order. He turned to his two companions. "They're really

Huh. He's enjoying bishonen privileges, from what I can gather.

> friendly around here." He paused. "Then again, I have been dropping gold pieces for tips. That probably helps."

Or monetary privileges that's recognized anywhere you go.

> "Indeed," Kyle muttered, as she took the mug and stared at the head of foam on top of the beverage. With a shrug, she blew some of the foam off, before taking a sip, and

Revise: off, before --> off before

> Matt nodded as he sat down next to her, and motioned Serenity to take a seat. "I've

Suggest: her, and --> her and

> Kyle nodded. "Good. It's nice to have some confirmation, there."

Suggest: confirmation, there --> confirmation there

> Serenity looked around at the patrons of the tavern with a slight smile, before returning her gaze to her traveling companions. "So we're to go to Northrend?"

Revise: smile, before --> smile before

> With another nod, Kyle waved at the entrance, and the city beyond. "Darnassus is nice

Revise: entrance, and --> entrance and

> Serenity paused. "So... why are we here? Lets get moving."

Suggest: why are we here? --> what are we waiting for?

> thing. We have to get better equipment than this vendor gear," he pointed at his current set of plate mail armor, "and that usually involves questing or somesuch. Along

Revise: somesuch --> some such

> the way we'll probably pick up an ally or two, discover new things about ourselves,

the way we'll --> the way, we'll

> and likely end up saving a few lives as well. Then we'll be interrupted on our quest, of course, by some catastrophe that'll have to be solved by all of us working together, and we'll grow closer together as a unit."
>
> Serenity looked uncertain. "Does any of what you are saying have any basis in reality?"

Heh.

>
> "No. Not really. Just guessing." He took a drink out of the flagon of ale that had been placed beside him unasked. "But hey, it'd be pretty boring if something like that didn't happen, and everything went smoothly, right?"

It'd also boring if you go walk around this world acting like this was
some sort of MMORPG version of reality television where shopping,
buying items, getting equipped, changing wardrobe, bathing, having
small talk, and whatnot are considered as points of conflict for this
fic. The more you indulge in such frivolities, the longer the quest
will take. Heck, Queen Serenity would already have a bouncing baby
princess by the time they actually get to the Silver Crystal!

> "I for one wouldn't mind avoiding sidequests," Kyle muttered. "I want out of this body as soon as possible."

The longer you stand around immersing yourself in the atmosphere, the
better the person who stole the Silver Crystal would get at harnessing
that trinket's awesome might.

> After a moment Serenity had an epiphany and realized that this was their way of

Revise: a moment, Serenity

> dealing with problems; Matt tended to go off on wild tangents, and Kyle focused straight ahead to fix whatever problem was currently plaguing him. They almost complimented one another... if they weren't being so annoying, that is.

Thanks for the lampshade, your highness. Then again, I do appreciate
how in-character the queen is here.

> Serenity grasped the flagon set before her and, with a determined look, drank the whole thing in one go. Kyle and Matt stared in amazement as she slammed the empty stein down on the table. "Is it not also customary to become drunk before such an excursion?"

Queen Serenity is _awesome_ in this fic.

> Serenity sighed, but didn't bother to call Kyle on it. Elune had explained, somewhat unwillingly, that death on Azeroth was something all mortals seemed to take part in, and while she'd never approve of it, far better for those who've preyed upon others to meet their end than the innocents of the world.

...Awesome and pragmatic. If anything, had this fic been more terrible
than it really is, Queen Serenity would act as its saving grace! ^_^

> "We need to get to Stormwind Harbor," Kyle said, as a new set of drinks were set

Revise: Kyle said, as --> Kyle said as

> "So, when do we depart?" Serenity asked around her flagon. As anxious as she was to

Revise: So, when --> So when

> "After we eat?" Kyle asked, looking at the roast bird placed on the table before them

Suggest: Kyle asked --> Kyle suggested (more appropriate speech indicator)

> with a mixture of hunger, and annoyance. "What I'd give for some chicken fingers,"

Revise: hunger, and --> hunger and

> she mumbled, before tearing off a leg.

Revise: mumbled, before --> mumbled before

> "Strips of chicken, wrapped in breaded batter and fried in grease. Delicious."
>
> Serenity blinked in surprise, before nodding. "That does sound good."

Serenity: Or unhealthy.

Matt: Unhealthy? Huh. What till you've tasted the donut burger! It'd
give you a heart attack by just looking at it.

> "It's not what they invented, it's what they perfected: mass marketing. If it wasn't for Hollywood, or television, I wouldn't know of half of the confectionery delights

Revise: Hollywood, or television

> that await us if only we'd shop at Mac Donald's place, or at Carl's Junior diner."

Mac Donald's? You mean McDonalds, right?

> "..." Kyle stared at Matt, then looked at her empty glass, before returning her gaze

Revise: glass, before --> glass before

> to him once more. Her open mouth snapped shut again, and she shook her head dismissively, before grabbing it in alarm. "Oh, wow... taller body, lower tolerance."

Revise: dismissively, before --> dismissively before

> "Yeah, but this body doesn't have the slight tolerance mine had, I bet," Kyle said, before thinking on it. "Yeah," she finally said, "Jae's never been much of a drinker. The few times she... oh, damn."

Revise: said, before --> said before

> "What?" Serenity asked, wondering why Kyle looked so worried suddenly.
>
> "How many glasses have I had?"
>
> "Three, and that's your fourth... why?" Matt supplied.
>
> Kyle winced. "Don't hold it against me if I end up doing something stupid. Apparently Jae goes from tipsy to wasted pretty fast."

Revise: Apparently, Jae (missing comma)

Also: Er, Jae better not be hanging around any male night elves
(Mister T and his Night Elf Mohawk?) while wasted, or else Kyle's
going to get a traumatizing experience that will leave him more
anti-social that he's contractually obligated to be. Here's also
hoping that Jae doesn't give in to Tannim's bishonen charm.

Jae: (raises mug) Cheers to that! =v=

> Serenity gave an exasperated sighed. "Lightweights."
>
> Matt nearly fell out of his chair with laughter.

Heh.

> "Oh, looks like they're setting up a band!" Serenity said, drawing their attention to a small stage where a dwarf, two humans, and a gnome were indeed setting up a bizarre series of instruments.

O_o It sounds like the start of a WoW joke.

Serenity: So a dwarf, two humans, and a gnome start up a band...

> "Dude, if they start playing that tavern theme from WoW, I'm going to break something," Kyle groused.
>
> "Wouldn't they need a full orchestra to pull that off?" Matt wondered.
>
> Kyle snorted in derision. "A string, a woodwind, some percussion, and maybe a second string... which it looks like they've got up there."

Kyle: Haven't you watched Internet videos before? They all have the
bare essentials to play it. Heck, a piano is all you need to cover
most songs on YouTube.

> Searching his memories, Matt commented, "Apparently Tannim was a bit of a lute

Revise: Apparently Tannim --> Apparently, Tannim

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(e) After an introductory adverbial element.

> Serenity, not wanting to be left out, pointed. "If that's anything like the Crystal

Suggest: pointed. "If --> pointed out, "If

> Kyle, feeling very left out suddenly, groaned and rested her forehead on the table. "Both Jae and I never managed to learn an instrument. Unless you want me to be a backup dancer, you two are on your own."

No, we're good. Knowing the truth about Jae is enough of a disservice already.

> "I'm almost sure of it. Elune struck me as prideful, I doubt she'd make you a... disguise like that, and neglect to give you something like perfect pitch. Gods are somewhat vain like that." The Queen replied.

Revise: that." The --> that," the

Or, if she's terrible, here's hoping she's so terrible that she turns
into WoW's personal Florence Foster Jenkins.

> "'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion?" Matt suggested with a grin.

Yes, we haven't heard enough of that song.

> Kyle couldn't help it, she snarled. "Anything but that!"

Suggest: it, she --> it; she

> "Hmm... The Sailor Moon Theme? Fighting evil by moonlight?" Matt asked, glancing at Serenity.

Queen Serenity: You know, since I'm speaking English here and all, I'm
arguably from the dubbed television show.

Matt: Huh. Good point.

> "The English lyrics are lame, and I don't know the Japanese well enough to fake it," Kyle replied.

That's one thing that Kyle and I can agree on.

> "Hey, I like the English lyrics," Matt defended. "But what about... something by Britney Spears?"

You can't out-epic this guy, though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGDplTJ_m0o

Or this old man: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2yFp03gaNg

> Kyle shuddered. "I'm actually familiar with a few of those... but do you really want to hear me sing 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' to a flute, a lute, and some overturned pots and pans?"

YouTube has taught us that if you make something terrible enough,
it'll loop back to awesome. Sometimes. Ask William McGonagall or Jim
Theis.

> "Well what do you think we should do?" Serenity asked, flatly.

Kyle: Listen to me moan and gripe about the music some more? I didn't
actually ask you to find a solution to the problem, from what I can
recall.

Revise: Well what --> Well, what

Also: asked, flatly --> asked flatly

> Kyle shrugged, picking her chin up off the table, only to collapse back into her seat and staring up at the ceiling behind her. "I'm kind of having trouble just

Revise: staring up --> stare up (because you started with "to
collapse", so it follows that the verb you're going to use connected
to that train of thought is "stare" as in "to stare")

> concentrating, really. All I know is, 90s music is mostly too... instrument heavy. Need something either simple, or fake-able. 80s, or folk songs. I know Old MacDonald."

Suggest: 90s / 80s --> nineties / Eighties / The eighties

Grammar Rule #Fifty-Six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out,
but sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen professional
authors opt for spelling numbers out instead of writing their
numerical forms. The obvious exceptions to the rule (usually) are
actual dates (October 28, 2005), exact numbers which are large in
amount (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year instead of the
spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen eighty-three...
though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case, a good rule of
thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long when
written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with
its numerical form.

Also: Old MacDonald? The Eighties? Now I'm not so sure about the
musical tastes of this self-insert.

> Serenity, not recognizing the song or the references, turned to Matt, watching him shudder at the song name. "What are 80s?"

Suggest: 80s --> the eighties?

> "Lots of things," Kyle mumbled, before Matt could answer. "Tiffany, and Tears for

Revise: mumbled, before --> mumbled before

Also: Oh great, they've turn into a fic version of VH1.

> Fears, and Culture Club and... lots." She trailed off in thought. Or so Serenity assumed.
>
> "Do you recognize any of those?" She asked, quietly.

Revise: She asked, quietly --> she asked quietly.

> Matt nodded. "Yeah, but doubt 'The Crying Game' would be a good opener. Maybe 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World?' But then again, there's got to be something for the adventures, peasants, and wanna-be heroes around here!"

Revise: wanna-be -- wannabe (dictionary-verifiable world, no need for
the hyphen)

> "... I'm holding out for a hero..." Kyle sang quietly as she slouched, head back, and eyes closed, and trying to avoid the numb oblivion the alcohol was inexorably pushing her towards.

Again, there are too many prepositional phrases in that sentence.
You've broken Grammar Rule #43 once more.

> "Was that 80s?" Serenity asked.

Suggest: 80s? --> the eighties?

> "What?" the inebriated night elf asked, before looking down.

Revise: asked, before --> asked before

> "Those are so weird," she muttered.

Heh.

> "C'mon Kyle... you said you're going to sing your favorite song," Matt winked at Serenity as he pulled the night elf up and over to the stage by the arm.

Matt: While we're at it, here are a couple of drinks on me.

Kyle: (gets even more shit-faced, starts dancing on the table and
stripping Jae's clothes)

Matt: Did I do that? ^_^;

> "I... did?" She asked, stumbling once as they approached the stage.

Revise: did?" She --> did?" she

> "Indeed," Serenity stated, following them with an amused grin. As Matt helped Kyle get steady on her feet, Serenity quickly explained things to the band, who seemed a little wary, but with the help of a few gold to persuade them, they came to see the that it was a good idea to allow them some stage time.

Yes, because amateur night at the tavern is a wise place to waste your
money on even if you haven't any to begin with when you first got
there.

> Taking a few minutes to get a feel for the odd, wooden instrument, Serenity asked Matt to strum a few bars so she knew where to start.

I never really bought the "strum a few bars and the musicians can now
follow the entire song" thing ever since I watched it unfold in the
first Back to the Future. With that said, whatever; it's an acceptable
break from reality, if you will.

> There was a smattering of applause, that nicely drowned out Kyle's hiss at Serenity when she called her Jaessica, before Matt strummed the first few notes.

Revise: applause, that --> applause, which (comma not needed, that/which error)

You can also do this: applause, that nicely drowned out Kyle's hiss at
Serenity when she called her Jaessica, before --> applause that nicely
drowned out Kyle's hiss at Serenity when she called her Jaessica
before (get rid of the commas in order to make the parenthetical aside
become part of the sentence and let your "that" usage become correct)

You shouldn't use "that" in a parenthetical aside because "that" is a
defining/restrictive pronoun.

Grammar Rule #79: "That" is the defining/restrictive pronoun. "Which"
is the non-defining/nonrestrictive pronoun. The careful writer,
watchful for small conveniences, goes which-hunting, removing the
defining whiches, and by so doing improves his work.
> Serenity, for her part, was impressed at Kyle's enthusiasm, and Matt's apparent mastery of the stringed instrument. She was hard pressed to keep up with him, and the

Revise: hard pressed --> hard-pressed

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/hard-pressed

> only saving grace was the lack of sudden shifts to throw her off. The one flourish he did during the bridge was easy enough to backup, and by that time, the Drummer and second lute player had joined in as well, with the human who's flute she'd taken stood behind Kyle and did her best to harmonize with the human-turned night elf.

Revise: Drummer --> drummer

Also: human who's flute --> human whose flute (apostrophe-s misuse again)

http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/difficulties/whoswhose.html

Finally: Please stop capitalizing random words.

> As the song wound down (more abruptly than she'd expected) Serenity was surprised by

Revise: expected) Serenity --> expected), Serenity

Conversely: down (more abruptly than she'd expected) Serenity --> down
more abruptly than she'd expected, Serenity

Also: down (more abruptly than she'd expected) Serenity --> down...
more abruptly than she'd expected... Serenity

> the cheering that the crowd gave them. Hastily bowing to them, she looked over at Matt, before turning her attention to Kyle, who was both rocking in place somewhat

Revise: Matt, before --> Matt before

> drunkenly, but smiling as if pleased with himself.

Revise: drunkenly, but --> drunkenly but

> "Want to try another?" Serenity asked.

LOL. Asians love their karaoke.

Serenity: I'm not Asian. I'm a natural blonde.

> Serenity glanced at the wavering night elf, before smiling. "I think we're good for one or two more."

Revise: elf, before --> elf before

Also: ROFL.

> "How about that other one you mentioned? Tiffany, I think it was?" Serenity supplied.

Matt: A good choice, my liege.

> Matt nodded, before turning to the other lute player and quickly coaching him on the

Revise: nodded, before --> nodded before

> Before the crowd had finished clapping for them, he started strumming, the quick opening to the song painfully obvious to anyone who knew the song. Kyle, upon hearing

Suggest: anyone who knew the song --> anyone who knew it

> it, straightened up, smile growing brighter as the drums and second lute joined in.

Heh. He's wasted.

> Not that the patrons could tell. Live performances like this were rare, and an unheard song as upbeat as this was a definite treat. That a rather lovely night elf was

Suggest: unheard song --> unheard-of song

Also: Definite treat? Your mileage may vary on that.

> up there singing it, and dancing rather seductively as she strutted back and forth

Revise: it, and --> it and

> across the small stage definitely helped to cement the memory in the minds of the males in the audience. The flute player was quite pretty in an almost regal way, as well. The women in the audience weren't blind either, and the rapid, non-stop, almost

Revise: way, as well --> way as well

Also: non-stop --> nonstop (hyphen not needed)

Furthermore: non-stop, almost --> nonstop, and almost (you're already
using a list of _three_ adjectives, so you might as well tack the
"and" conjunction on the last item)

> magical way the fingers of the high elf strummed his lute lead to some rather enjoyable thoughts for them, as well.

Revise: lead to --> led to (tense error)

> Finally, the song came to a close, to even more cheering, and behind the crowd, which was almost all on their feet, Serenity spotted a number of heads standing outside.

Just noting: You really love using the word, "Finally".

Also: Again, too many parenthetical phrases. Please revise or else
risk making your prose sound clipped and halting.

Suggest: Finally, the song came to a close to even more cheering, and
behind the crowd... which was almost all on their feet... Serenity
spotted a number of heads standing outside.

> "Pity we can't think of an appropriate way to end this," Tannim said, solemnly.

Revise: said, solemnly.

Tannim: Getting a good finale is serious fucking business.

> "There's got to be something. Are the 80s only good for two songs?" Serenity asked.

Suggest: 80s --> eighties

> Matt grimaced. "They're good for a lot of songs, but not exactly the best to end a spontaneous concert."

Living on a Prayer or Come On Eileen seem like great ways to end
concerts. But then again, that's just me.

> Serenity was unwilling to give up. "And the 90s? The crowd wants to hear something, and I don't want to disappoint them before the night is over!"

Suggest: 90s --> nineties

> The Dwarf on the drums blinked, looking at the still darkening sky outside. "It's.. not really night yet, lass."

Revise: It's.. not --> It's... not

> The crowd was begging for more, and Serenity felt that there had to be some way... "There has to be some way to save tonight!" Serenity blanched. That was not how she intended to ask Matt to try harder.
>
> As if struck, Matt straightened up. "That's it!"

LOL XD Perfect! Cheesy, but win nonetheless. This is going to be epic.

> "Simple song, try to keep up," Matt muttered, before coaching the band. Luckily,

Revise: muttered, before --> muttered before

> they'd already seemed to have grown used to the odd music from Earth, and all had enough skill to join a new song with little prompting.

Suggest: Earth --> earth

> Unlike the previous two songs, which were upbeat, and somewhat raucous, this one seemed more mellow, and the crowd visibly relaxed as it played on.

Revise: more mellow --> mellower

> Finally, with a steady fade, the song ended and Kyle opened her eyes and grinned, before collapsing to the stage, much to the shock of the crowd, who'd just begun to cheer.

Revise: grinned, before --> grinned before

Kyle: Crowd surfing! XD

> "Rushing to her side, Serenity was about to call for help when Kyle twitched before letting out a snore that seemed all too voluminous to have come from such a dainty mouth.

Revise: "Rushing --> Rushing (get rid of the quotation mark)

> "But what a show it was, eh?" Someone else said.

Revise: eh?" Someone --> eh?" someone

...Is that someone Canadian?

> Serenity grinned down at the sleeping figure, wondering whether or not she had the strength to lift carry her to a bed, before suddenly looking worried. Where would they take her? Back to the temple?

Pick: "lift" or "carry"?

Revise: lift carry her to a bed --> lift her to a bed / carry her to a bed

Also: bed, before --> bed before

> "Make way, Make way, Get out of my way before I up the price of your meals twofold!" Someone called, before the crowd parted and a night elf approached in a rather

Revise: Someone called, before --> someone called before

Also: I think that "someone" is related to Kyle, what with all the
random capitalizations. I suggest... not capitalizing when it's not
called for. Like capitalizing a verb right after a comma, for
instance.

> flamboyant suit. "The little lady can sleep here, on the house, I've yet to have the place this crowded. Is she for hire? Are all of you?" he asked, excitedly.

Revise: house, I've --> house; I've

Also: asked, excitedly --> asked excitedly

Finally: w00t! A job! Sort of.

Matt: Dammit, I left my songbook at my dimension. >:(

> Serenity frowned. She was about to turn him down, before thinking it over. "Any

Revise: down, before --> down before

> decisions we make are between the three of us. It would be an ill deal, indeed, if we were to make such a decision with one third of our troupe left out of the discussion."
>
>
> The tavern owner nodded. "I see."
> "Yes, I'm afraid you'll have to talk to our manager if you'll want to book Queen for any future events," Matt interjected.

Revise: Your paragraph formatting is atrocious at this point of the story.

Also: LOL at the "Queen" thing.

> "I thought you said her name was Jaessica?" The owner asked, puzzled.

Revise: Jaessica?" The --> Jaessica?" the

> "That is her name, Queen is the name of the band."

Suggest: name, Queen --> name; Queen

Also: What a strangely appropriate name for many reasons.

> "Oh. I see. Interesting name... Well, I suppose you'll want to see that room? I'll cover the meal and drinks as well, you more than earned it with that performance! By

Revise: well, you --> well; you / well because you

> Elune! To think that such songs could be sung!" The Tavern owner took off towards a

Revise: The Tavern --> The tavern

> staircase in the back, and Matt and Serenity shared a look before grabbing one of Kyle's arms each and supporting the passed out elf between them.

Revise: back, and --> back while

Also: Hooray! You didn't put a comma before "before" this time around! ^_~

> As they followed the proprietor through the still-cheering crowd, Matt muttered under his breath "God, Kyle needs to go on a diet. Anyway..." he grinned at Serenity. "Still think we're so bad?"

Revise: he grinned --> He grinned

> Serenity looked down at the passed-out elf in her care, and over at the second elf

Revise: care, and --> care and

> she'd spent an hour performing before a crowd with. "Hmm... When one of you is drunk, and the other trying to please a crowd, you might just be agreeable." She smiled at his

Suggest: other trying --> other is trying

Also: Serenity is such a cool lady in this fic. I heartily approve of
her characterization.

> look of shock, before turning to watch where they were going. "Still... Elune explained some things to me after you returned here... and I think my initial assessment of you both was more accurate than I had come to believe."

Suggest: Still... --> Still,

Also: here... --> here,

> Looking down at Kyle again, Serenity let a small smile grace her lips. "You two have potential to be a lot of things; the most important... and most selfish... being my friends."

D~AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW.... ^_____^

Well, that was a great way to end things. In any case, guess what?
It's Grammar Time! (dances MC-Hammer style, then realizes something)
Thank god you didn't end the concert with _that_ song. ^_^

Summary of Broke Grammar Rules:

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
when its not needed and use it correctly with words' that show
possession.

Grammar Rule #29: Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Grammar Rule #34: Avoid "buzz-words"; such integrated transitional
scenarios complicate simplistic matters.

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Grammar Rule #43: In good writing, for good reasons, under normal
circumstances, whenever you can, use prepositional phrases in limited
numbers and with great caution.
Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.

Grammar Rule #Fifty-Six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out,
but sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen professional
authors opt for spelling numbers out instead of writing their
numerical forms. The obvious exceptions to the rule (usually) are
actual dates (October 28, 2005), exact numbers which are large in
amount (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year instead of the
spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen eighty-three...
though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case, a good rule of
thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long when
written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with
its numerical form.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

Grammar Rule #64: Per se means of itself. Per say is only how you pronounce it.

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated.

Grammar Rule #79: "That" is the defining/restrictive pronoun. "Which"
is the non-defining/nonrestrictive pronoun. The careful writer,
watchful for small conveniences, goes which-hunting, removing the
defining whiches, and by so doing improves his work.
Grammar Rule #80: Do sentences need to be punctuated properly. Yes,
they do? Seriously!

Grammar Rule #81: Ellipses, as a general rule, are three periods (...)
or four periods if you're using it to terminate a sentence after a
character trailed off or whatever (....). It's never just two periods
(..), that's just wrong.

Grammar Rule #83: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything
the character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the
'speaker' (hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's
dialogue with a period instead of an exclamation point or a question
mark, please replace the period with a comma. If there's no speech
indicator in the following statement after the dialogue, then the
following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing to do with
the dialogue.

Grammar Rule #86: Don't capitalize Common Nouns or you'll look like a
Moron and a Fool.

Grammar Rule #87: Carefully-written works do not sport
erroneously-hyphenated compound descriptors.

As for the grammar: Wow. Goddamn, man. On the bright side, you didn't
break all of the grammar rules. Yeah. I suggest that you check a style
guide (such as the Chicago Style Guide, Strunk & White, The Little
Brown Handbook, or others, including some online) to make sure that
you are using commas correctly.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html

All-in-all, your paragraphs in general demonstrated an appropriate
organizational structure and sequence; however, some paragraphs were
full of typos, capitalization errors, missing words, punctuation
errors, overuse of prepositional phrases, and so on. I hope you can
work on that in the future for you own good.

As for the story itself: Even though self-insertion is not my cup of
tea (which is indicated by the fact that one of my favorite fics ever
just happens to the Self-Extraction) and very few self-insertion fics
catch my interest, I kind of liked this fic. I couldn't slog through
"Hybrid Theory" even though it's supposed to be a great deconstruction
of the SI genre, I apparently lacked background information and
apparently botched my C&C on "Drunkard's Walk" even though I liked
what I did read about it, "Nuke 'Em Till They Glow" eventually became
less of an SI fic but more of a massive multi-anime crossover fanfic
with an Sue deconstruction as its centerpiece (so it doesn't count), I
liked "Permanent" (for its drama and darkness) and "Insertion" (for
its humor) but I eventually lost interest, and the rest of the SI fics
I bothered C&C came off as looking like flames because, hey, I will
take note if a story's execution is sloppy and its concept is absurd.

I still don't like Kyle/Kagato/Enigma as a character, but I recognize
this tendency of mine as preference, opinion, and caused by my first
impressions earlier on in the prologue to the third chapter (his
stereotypical snarkiness and then misspelling of causality while
snarking that "Hey, don't you know anything about the casualty (sic)
paradoxes?" left a terrible first impression to me in my mind), so
this isn't really a criticism. I mean, what do I suggest? That he be
less of an asshole? That's his thing in this story, and his annoying
antics aside, he does his role well as the designated snarker and
straight man of the troupe. With that said, I'm a bit of a snarker
myself, so if you don't approve of the Kyle-bashing I'm doing in this
C&C, I can only hope that you at least gleaned something useful from
it nonetheless.

The idea of them adventuring through WoW, meeting goddesses, and
whatnot was intriguing. The pacing... Not so much. Granted, the
grammatical errors didn't exactly help warm me up to the story, but I
just can't ignore the large stretches of nothing happening. I mean,
there's such a thing as setup and milking the moment, but there are
times when it looks like these guys are doing a lot of
LOTR-reminiscent walking, talking, walking, talking, rinse, repeat,
and so on. It doesn't necessarily make the fic entirely unreadable
(and I have an inkling feeling that it's my lack of WoW knowledge and
the fact that you added three chapters together into one large whole
that makes reading this so tiresome), but I have to admit that from my
point of view, the wounded-elephant-seal pacing of this fic is one of
its major weaknesses.

All the same, the major thing that I noticed with this fic (which can
also be said of another fic of yours, Otaku Muyo), is that it's best
enjoyed by not taking it too seriously. I've read quite a lot of
fics... more of them crossovers than self-insert fics such as this...
and no matter how good or bad this may seem to me or others, there are
certainly fics worse than this one. Nevertheless, Chance of a
Millennium is a fairly amusing fic. It's not Girl-Days-level or
Susan-Doenime-level amusing, but it's still amusing nonetheless. As
you can see from my concrit, my comments had a smattering of chuckles
here and there (despite the fact that Kyle's author avatar has been
grating on my nerves all that time). The singing part at the tavern
was certainly a crowning moment of awesome for the fic (so far; heck,
it even beats the nonsensical nuclear sub that crashed into Queen
Serenity's castle).

I have to admit, I haven't laughed at an SI fic since I've read one
Carrot/ContraBardus's old-school self-insert fics. Yes, the fifth
chapter still dragged and yes, Kyle's contractual jerkiness still
bothers me, but overall, the sixth chapter is easily the best of the
bunch because even though you still haven't done anything of great
significance to the overarching plot, the tavern scene was still
genuinely amusing enough to work as a worthwhile plot point. Heck,
even Kyle had his comeuppance (somewhat, and yes, it was probably not
done for spite) by becoming a lady to take him down a peg or two and
teach him some manners.

The bottom line here is that: Even with the sheer amount of grammar
errors, my unfamiliarity with WoW, the long stretches of info-dump for
the sake of the reader, the chopseuy-like plot, and Kyle's Kyleness,
this was a fairly amusing fic. Serenity is awesome, Kyle is going
through his Humiliation Congo, Matt has sparkles of comedic brilliance
here and there, and the Tavern Concert scene really showed the
author/s true strength as a writer; pop-culture-laden comedy. It also
helps that Kyle and Matt aren't running amok the land while in god
mode. They're playing in line with the rules of the game. Somewhat.
Keep up the good work, and I hope that Chapters' 7-9 are just as
amusing as Chapter 6. ^_^ I'm out.

Keep on writing,
Abdiel

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"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
ones telling you they still love you and care."