[FFML] [SI] Chance of a Millennium 4-6 A

[Chester Castañeda]

Hello. I'm Abdiel, and here's my lengthy EULA of sorts made by
Benjamin A. Oliver:

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licensed to you for a limited one-chapter period. If at any time you
disagree with these comments, this license is revoked and you must
permanently delete all chapters, spamfics, and storylines from which
edits based upon this C&C were made.

C&C EULA Summarized: I can be a bit of a dick when reviewing stuff.
Use what you can use, ignore the rest.

[I agree to this License] (Continue Reading)
[I do not agree to this License] (Delete email)

The thing that I liked about this fic is that it's traditional (a
party composed of the Jerk, the Clown, and the Chick Queen) yet is
still slightly innovative in its own way (two WoW players and Queen
Serenity from Sailor Moon are off to get the Silver Crystal from the
clutches of a dragon, I think). Let's see what else you have in store
for the reader, fic.

On Mon, Feb 1, 2010 at 6:17 PM, Tannim Murphy <tannim_murphy at yahoo.com> wrote:
> Gah, sorry about that first post.  Goes to show how long it's been since I posted here.  XD
>
> ---
>
> Chapter 4
>
> Xxxxx
>
> "Aye dunnae care about your stolen gear, Aye just wannae know who's payin' fer teh use 'o my beds!" The dwarven innkeeper replied, after various attempts to explain the situation.

My goodness, the accent. It's back. O_O

Revise: replied, after --> replied after (comma issues)

> "... would you accept an IOU?" Kyle asked, reluctantly.

Revise: asked, reluctantly --> asked reluctantly

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

> "You'll probably tell everyone and no one will ever do business with us or want to associate with us ever again." Matt answered reluctantly, realizing how lame the answer

Revise: again." Matt answered --> again," Matt answered (speech indicator error)

Grammar Rule #83: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything
the character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the
'speaker' (hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's
dialogue with a period instead of an exclamation point or a question
mark, please replace the period with a comma. If there's no speech
indicator in the following statement after the dialogue, then the
following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing to do with
the dialogue.

That is, "I'll say something," Queen Serenity said. "Now see me say
lots of things, but this time my name 'Kasumi' will be in pronoun form
to show that my dialogue and 'she added' are not two separate
sentences but one continuous sentence," she added. "Oops, I think I
made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.

> Kyle checked his wallet as well, knowing there'd be little to hold a dwarves

Revise: a dwarves --> a dwarf's

Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
when its not needed and use it correctly with words' that show
possession.

Don't pluralize a word if you meant it to show possession.

> interest, and definitely unwilling to part with his Cell Phone and MP3-player, which

Suggest: Cell Phone --> cell phone / MP3-player --> MP3 player

> were both worth a lot more than single night's stay at an inn. Especially one as rustic as this.

Revise: than single night's --> than a single night's

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
> "Would you, perchance, accept collateral?" Serenity suddenly asked, earning curious glances from both Matt and Kyle.
>
> The innkeeper spat on the floor. "Pah! I know what that is. A Goblin word, or close enough! I'm a Business man, you hear? Not a banker! Give me gold, or something of value!"

So dwarves don't know how to properly capitalize words? How does that
translate to speech, exactly?

Revise: I'm a Business man --> I'm a business man

Also: a Goblin word, --> a goblin's word / a Goblin's Word,

Grammar Rule #86: Don't capitalize Common Nouns or you'll look like a
Moron and a Fool.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/capitals.htm

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp

> Looking at the somewhat stunned visage of Serenity, and the silver clip in one hand
she's pulled from her hair, Kyle nodded slowly. "I think what Serenity
meant, sir, was

Revise: she's pulled --> she'd pull (keep everything in your narrative
in one consistent tense, please)

Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.

Suggest: Serenity--and the silver clip in one hand she'd pulled from her hair--

> Kyle placed a comforting hand on Serenity's shoulder. "We'll be back for it soon, don't worry."

Kyle: I'll be your pimp for tonight. We'll make enough money to get
that clip back.

Serenity: (pimp slaps Kyle)

> "Of course, your majesty," Matt said with a grin. "We'll act with all post-haste." His smile faltered. "Though I still haven't the faintest clue how we're going to make money without adventuring."

Ravage strangers' homes? Works for nearly all the Final Fantasy games.
Hey, if you're a competent enough thief, it works pretty well in real
life as well! :P

> Kyle smirked. "I'm sure it'll come to us." Pulling open the door, he couldn't help letting a small yelp of surprise escape as the icy air of Dun Morogh blasted around him. "Crap.. I hope it comes soon," he mumbled, fumbling to button up his shirt before burying his hands in his pockets.

Revise: .. --> ... (ellipses error)

> As the trio stepped outside, to their obvious discomfort, Kyle scanned the area, before locking his eyes on a rather prominent mountain to the north. "Ironforge is up

Revise: area, before --> area before (comma muyo)

> "'Ironforge. Never has there been a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.'"
>
> Serenity stared at Matt, unsure of what to make of that comment.

You and me both, sister.

> "No I was, I mean..." Matt looked uncertain. "Oh man... we're going to have to introduce you to Star Wars..."

Nah, your joke simply fell short, dude.

> Kyle, against his desire to keep warm, pulled one hand out of his pocket to whap Matt upside the head, before replacing the hand and hurrying down the road. "Just ignore him, Serenity."

That's "Queen" Serenity to you, peasant.

> "You seem to be getting rather forward," Serenity observed lightly as they made their

He's contractually obligated to be a jerk.

> way along the snow-covered path. Here and there, small fire pits burned in raised pits along side the road, no doubt to offer some warmth to passers-by who were unprepared

Revise: along side --> alongside

Also: passers-by --> passersby

Both of them are dictionary-verifiable words.

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

> for the weather. She also noticed a few dwarf guards patrolling the more obviously-traveled roads.

I'm fairly sure that adverbs don't need to be hyphenated into compound
descriptors, so...

Revise: obviously-traveled --> obviously traveled

> "I suppose," Kyle replied over his shoulder. "Still, I'm running out of Han Solo phrases, and you did say we could call you that in private.

Come to think of it, the way Queen Serenity asked them to call her
Serenity in private sounds almost disturbingly sexy, in a way. That's
hardly the way a queen who's pregnant with her daughter would act, in
retrospect.

> I think an entirely different world would count."

Kyle: Because using Han Solo phrases is par for the course when you're
so far away from home, you can describe the distance in miles or even
light years.

> "Privacy," she started, with a slight smirk gracing her regal face, "tends to imply a lack of witnesses."

But even if you three are together "in private", either one can act as
witnesses. So what gives?

Queen Serenity: It means they could never call me Serenity unless
either of them is alone with me.

...Er, you're married, right?

> Kyle paused staring thoughtfully at a nearby roaming guard, then up at the clear blue

Revise: paused, staring (missing comma)

> sky overhead. "Hmm... It would... but I think the originator of the word was never faced with the prospect of finding themselves within a world they only knew as fictitious. And the distinct possibility of leaving said world at a later time."

...What the hell are you talking about and what does that have to do
with Queen Serenity's explanation? ?_?

> "Hey, don't you think this is more of a vacation than anything else?" Matt interjected. "It's not like you're going to be coming back here any time soon after we leave. No one has to even know you're a queen if you don't want."

Matt: It's like those weird expeditions Jasmine from Aladdin does when
she's bored; mingling with the peasants, so to speak!

>
> Finally, after a few miles of walking, the path forked, and a fairly steep-yet-wide path lead up towards the mountainous city.

Revise: lead --> led (wrong tense)

It's Grammar Rule #55 all over again.

> "Oh crap.. I loath this path," Matt stated as a lost memory floated to the surface.

Revise: .. --> ... (ellipsis misuse; you broke Grammar Rule #81 again)

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/ellipsis.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellipsis

"The most common form of an ellipsis is a row of three periods or full
stops (...) or pre-composed triple-dot glyph (…). The usage of the em
dash (—) can overlap the usage of ellipsis."

Also: loath --> loathe (do not confuse the adjective "loath" with the
verb "loathe")

> Kyle shrugged. "I'm not nearly as cold after walking a few miles, but I'd like to get inside before the sun finishes setting," he said, glancing at the darkening sky and slowly-growing shadows nearby. The sun had slipped mostly behind a westerly-peak, but part of it was still visible around the edges.

Revise: slowly-growing --> slowly growing; westerly-peak --> westerly peak

http://editfast.com/english/grammar/adjectives_adverbs/adjectives_adverbs_rules_8.htm

"Although hyphens are often used after adverbs, as in a well-written
report, they are never used after 'ly' adverbs such as carefully and
quickly."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyphen

"Compound modifiers are groups of two or more words that jointly
modify the meaning of another word. When a compound modifier other
than an adverb–adjective combination appears before a term, the
compound modifier is often hyphenated to prevent misunderstanding,
such as in American-football player or real-world example."

As such...

Grammar Rule #87: Carefully-written works do not sport
erroneously-hyphenated compound descriptors.

> The rising path was fairly simple to navigate, curving left once, then right, before approaching the city's main gates. At a landing before the first twist, a horse-drawn cart sans-horse

...Which should arguably just be called a cart?

> sat axle-deep in the snow, a pleased-looking Dwarf nearby hawking his wares to the

Revise: Dwarf --> dwarf (capitalization error)

> few pedestrians who approached. And considering his positioning, anyone coming or going was going to have to approach from one direction or the other.

Me: (drinks some coffee to keep myself awake) Gee, you're really
milking the long and involved travel scene thing for all it's worth,
aren't you, fic?

> "Thanks, but no thanks," Kyle said, looking at the proffered wooden mug (currently empty) and wondering if it was the light playing tricks on him, or if the shadows inside were actually moving.

Or maybe Thunderbrew is like bottled lightning: more metaphor, less actuality.

> Nodding in reply, the Dwarf tossed the mug haphazardously back into the cart, before

Revise: Dwarf --> dwarf (ditto)

> turning around to pull out a large piece of what-looked like cloth. "Ah see. Some humans don't appreciate ta fine Ale. Ah canna say ah unnastand it, but if that's not ta

Revise: Ale --> ale

> kind o' heat yer looking for, I have these fine linen cloaks. Cost hardly anything,

Revise: fine linen --> fine-linen

> Kyle was about to wave him off, before he stopped. "While I'm not interested in

Revise: off, before --> off before (unnecessary comma)

> Serenity, who'd been watching the exchange, nodded gently when the Dwarf glanced at

Revise: the Dwarf --> the dwarf

> her, before narrowing his eyes as the merchant looked at the guards with distaste and

Revise: her, before --> her before

> "I see.." the human mumbled, beginning to understand just what the dwarf was talking about.

Revise: see.." --> see..." (ellipsis error)

> "When you get inta the city, head to the Mystic Ward. To the left of the Fighting Mage is an unlisted storefront. Head inside and go down the stairs. Tell 'em 'George sent ya.'"

In fairness, this time around, the story is using capitalization
correctly. So kudos for that.

> "So your name is George?" Matt asked, curiously.

Revise: asked, curiously --> asked curiously (comma error)

> "Ask me nae questions, lad." the dwarf replied with a grin, and placing one finger to the side of his nose.

Revise: lad." the --> lad," the (speech indicator error)

Suggest: grin, and --> grin and (to make the sentence flow more smoothly)

> "Of course, if we were going to judge everything against the game, I'd be lagged like heck right now," Matt replied sarcastically.

http://www.instantrimshot.com/

> "Not really. Usually the only time you see people out here it's either lowbies making

Revise: Usually, the

> their first run in, or high-level players coming outside to duel," Kyle replied, with a smirk. He'd done his fair share of dueling, back before the expansion packs had been released.

Revise: replied, with a --> replied with a

> "I see. Your information about this world isn't going to be too inaccurate, I hope," she asked, after a moments pause.

Revise: asked, after --> asked after

That's a valid concern, I would think. At this point, it's like a
Dungeons and Dragons player using his knowledge of tabletop D&D with
Dungeons and Dragons the Animated Series or Dungeons and Dragons the
Movie.

> With a shrug, Kyle made his way forward, the other two following, as he answered. "It's not perfectly accurate. Remember, Games are meant to be entertaining, so facts

Revise: Games --> games (don't capitalize common nouns)

> are skewed to appeal to the widest player base possible."

Here's hoping you don't do a Doc Brown-ish move saying that Queen
Serenity isn't thinking fourth dimensionally.

Kyle: Well, that fourth wall will inevitably be referenced from time to time.

It's also too bad that you two aren't too savvy of the fact that
you're both in a self-insert fanfic.

> Serenity didn't bother responding, instead focusing on the entryway to this city with wide-eyes. Unlike her Palace, which was the only real entry-point to her kingdom that

Revise: wide-eyes --> wide eyes (wide eyes isn't a compound descriptor)

Ditto: entry-point --> entry point

> she could compare this to, Ironforge was built to a much larger scale than anything she'd ever seen before. Glancing at one of the many guards stationed around the entry

In fairness, everything is smaller in the Moon, what it being a
satellite to the Earth and all.

> hall, she considered asking whether or not the over-sized hallways, paths, and rooms

Revise: over-sized --> oversized (dictionary-verifiable word, no need
for the hyphen)

> were an attempt to fight of the claustrophobia of knowing there was an entire mountain top hanging above your head.

Suggest: mountaintop / mountain

> Then she spotted dirty marks in the snowdrifts that had gathered in the door. Marks that looked suspiciously similar to the large mechanical machine stationed outside with a turret of some sort on top. While the Silver Millennium was a peaceful Empire,

Revise: Empire --> empire

Furthermore: Queen Serenity = Empire of the Moon? Isn't it supposed to
be a kingdom or a monarchy? Or, if you really want to get technical
about it, a queendom?

> Aside from the baffled entryway, where the dirty snowdrifts gave way to well-fitted stone floors, there was a giant statue of a Dwarf ahead, marking a T-junction she had

Revise: Dwarf --> dwarf

> Serenity was impressed. Despite the fact that they were inside a mountain, torches, fire pits, and what looked like a canal of molten rock provided the wide open area in Ironforge with enough light and heat to make navigating comfortable, without being stifling.

Good thing this is fiction, or else the ground will turn into a
hotplate and all the residents of Ironforge would be sizzling steaks
by now.

> Inside the wall against which the giant statue sat at the head of the entry hall, there was a cavernous open area, the rock walls carved into store fronts complete with shuttered windows doorways, and porches. To the center, a larger doorway sat, and she

Revise: windows doorways, and --> windows, doorways, and

Also: It's nice that it's filled with doorways, but how about
describing the doors instead so it doesn't look like all the houses
can be used a free-for-alls for thieves? (unless, of course, in-game
Ironforge really did have doorways instead of doors)

> Between the Bank and the Auction house, but more towards the Auction House, was a

Suggest: Bank --> bank; the Auction house --> the auction house / the
Alliance Auction House

> bridge spanning a cleft that followed the circular design of the city in both directions. From within came the glow of something fiery, and as they drew near, Serenity's eyebrows rose in surprise.

...Then they burned off her face like wick of a firecracker.

> Despite a rough iron barrier below the walkway, the cleft opened up about twenty-feet below their feet into a river of molten rock. Anyone unlucky enough to fall in would have a few minutes to mourn their fate before the heat got to them.

Or, if this were in real life, anybody within staring distance of the
molten lava would have burnt leather for shoes or burnt stumps for
feet.

> "An interesting design," she said, watching the pedestrians go about their business without showing much concern for the open valley running the circumference of the city.

Bowser (Super Mario Brothers): (agrees wholeheartedly)

> Serenity felt her eyes drawn from the pit again as something she'd noticed came to the forefront of her mind. While she had expected to see many dwarves in a dwarven city, there were quite a few members of other races, as well. Considering how few races

Revise: races, as well --> races as well

> she'd seen other than the very-near human races of other solar systems, and the cat-like Mau, the blue-skinned figure approaching them was enough to give her pause, almost causing Matt to walk into her.

Suggest: systems, and --> systems and

Also: <Insert Avatar joke here> ...the most original movie ever made!

> She thought she'd done well dealing with the Dwarf, but this being was utterly beyond

Revise: Dwarf --> dwarf

> her comprehension. A flared and almost stylized forehead covered in symmetrical ridges, sat above glowing blue eyes, which were set in an almost regal face that was framed by odd tentacle-like extensions from the jaw line, and hair swept back into a functional ponytail.

(wince) Please don't talk about functional ponytails.

Also: <Insert another Avatar joke here> ...and James Cameron.

> The torso itself was fairly humanoid, though far more muscular than all but the most burliest of men in the moon kingdom,

(sighs)

Revise: moon kingdom --> Moon Kingdom (because it's a proper noun, and
the narrative is probably referring to that one Moon Kingdom beside
Earth, and not the one located in Io).

> and Serenity couldn't help but wonder if that was naturally-occurring, or if this person was as hard a worker as those back home.

Revise: naturally-occurring --> naturally occurring

> While the torso was fairly normal, from the waist down, differences began appearing again, the knees too high, though understandable so, with the lower-leg being reverse-jointed and hooved, much like the rear limbs of the horses of Earth. and behind the hoven feet swayed a blue, lizard-like tail.

Suggest: hoven feet --> cloven hooves

Revise: Earth. and --> Earth. And (yes, it's another capitalization error)

> "A Draenei," Kyle offered quietly, as he fell in beside her to pass a stationary mob

Revise: quietly, as --> quietly as

> The trio themselves were not going unnoticed in their journey through the hall. Their odd clothing, gait, and fact that they carried no plainly-seen weapons all drew

Revise: plainly-seen --> plainly seen

> attention and idle gazes of curiosity. More than one human male, and even males of other species, gave Serenity herself an appraising look. Had she been anything less than a queen, she would have blushed.

She's too royally dignified and awesome to blush.

> As it stood she settled for avoiding eye contact and walking slightly faster so as to

Revise: As it stood, she (introductory element, comma required)

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(c) After a succession of introductory prepositional phrases.
> be closer toward Kyle. Matt unconsciously stepped up his gait and soon the three were walking, practically shoulder to shoulder, across the way.

Suggest: shoulder-to-shoulder

> The circular construction of this level of Ironforge wasn't obvious unless you looked for it; the outside rim was so massive that the curve was not evident until one looked across its whole length. Buildings stretched out overhead with balconies galore, and massive columns rose to the ceiling high overhead, supporting the whole thing.
>
> "Man. This looks way better in person," Matt remarked.

Final Fantasy did kind of prove that the suggested locals are grander
than they seemed when it jumped from 8-bit to 16-bit, and from 16-bit
to whatever-bits-Playstation-and-consoles-like-it-has.

> Kyle paused, looking around as he began to really take in the scenery. "Yeah... I kinda suppose it is." Turning to Matt with a shrug, "I'd still rather be viewing it from my computer screen, though."

Really? A real-life video game, and you'd rather it be a video game
instead? Granted, the potential of death and whatnot may be imminent,
but at the very least, you can admire the scene as it is.

Kyle: No. Being a jerk is my thing, so leave me be with my jerkiness.

> "True. Somehow, though, this almost feels like it..."
>
> Kyle blinked at that, then frowned before asking, "like someone is watching us?"

Suggest: "like --> "... like / "Like

Also: before asking, --> before continuing Matt's train of thought by asking,

> Matt nodded. "Yeah. Kinda."

(shrugs) Maybe people are playing WoW and are complaining with the
modified characters you three have.

> Kyle waved it off. "Whatever. You're just being paranoid."

You noticed it too and you're blaming Matt for being paranoid? Douche
bag, please.

> Behind the pool stood a temple-like facade carved from the mountain, and ornately decorated with columns and bass reliefs. Around it, more storefronts and dwellings

Revise: bass reliefs --> bas-reliefs

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relief

> "And we're to go into the building beside it?" Serenity asked, glancing at the people walking around and spotting another new-type of being,

Amuro Ray: (being a Newtype)

> this one short, like a Dwarf, but lacking the bulk or facial hair, despite its apparent maleness.

Revise: a Dwarf --> a dwarf

> Matt rolled his eyes. "Don't make fun of the vertically challenged, Kyle. The gnomes would be liable to bite your kneecaps off."

There's a difference between dwarves and gnomes. Good to know.

> "Do you know how far they'd fly if I got enough of a windup?" Kyle asked with a scowl.
>
> "Hence the strategic attack on the knee, depriving you of your kicking ability."

Kyle: (the Smug Snake of the group)

> Kyle rolled his eyes. "Just explain to Serenity... nevermind. You said it was a

Revise: nevermind --> never mind

> gnome. That's good enough. If it's not a dwarf, it's best to keep your distance. They can have rabies," he explained to the Queen, who looked somewhat shocked at this explanation, and worried by the warning.

Revise: the Queen --> the queen

> As the party climbed the stairs, Kyle paused, before turning to the other two and

Revise: paused, before --> paused before

> "There's also the Night Elves. They're a fairly haughty, secluded race, though, and

Revise: There's --> There are

> only a recent addition to the Alliance. Somewhat like the Draenei." Kyle answered.

Revise: Draenei." --> Draenei,"

> with a smirk, Kyle nodded. "An apt description. That's about it for the alliance, and

Revise: with a --> With a (capitalization error)

> all we're likely to encounter if we play it smart," he stated, before standing up. "I

Revise: stated, before --> stated before

> "What goes up, must come down," Kyle mumbled, heading over and down the stairs. As he

Revise: up, must --> up must

My goodness, the pacing is murder. Nothing's happening. Sure, I
appreciate the tutorial for Serenity's sake, but seriously, we're
twelve pages in and nothing of consequence has happened yet.

> cleared the midway-landing, he crouched to examine the room beneath the store, and quirked a brow in surprise. Unlike the darkened, unused store above, this room was

You're overusing the word "darkened", dude. Suggest revision.

> gently lit with candles, and stocked with various items, some readily identifiable, some not.

Suggest: items, some --> items; some --> items -- some

> "I am Lixspilsen. Why have you come here?" He asked, in a surprisingly effeminate voice.

Revise: here?" He asked, --> here?" he asked (speech indicator error
and comma error)

>
> all on a body that looked like it was barely winning the fight against obesity. A plain, dusty jacket that was over-sized and bulging with objects not very carefully

Revise: over-sized --> oversized

> "George sent us," Kyle said, finally.

Revise: said, finally --> said finally

> The man nodded, his expression turning to one of glee, and he turned to look at a stack of barrels against the wall, before speaking again. "I see. So you would be

Revise: wall, before --> wall before

> "If the price is right... I have some rather rare and valuable funds from a far off land called America. The currency is called the Dollar, and it is often the staple by which other currencies are measured," Kyle offered, pulling out a dollar bill. before he could continue, however, the man reacted.

Revise: bill. before --> bill. Before

>
> Lixspilsen's eyes widened. "We have heard of these... 'dollars.' An exchange would be possible, most definitely. And our rates are second-to-none."

Tatsuhiro Sato (Welcome to the NHK): Really? RMT? REAL MONEY TRADE?
IMPOSSIBLE! It's a myth! An urban legend!

> Serenity frowned. "'We?' Are you not alone, then?"
>
> The figure nodded vigorously, practically fondling the dollar Kyle had handed him.

If the dollar was handed in-game, wouldn't that still be a virtual
dollar? (ponders)

> Kyle chuckled, "I see. Does this alliance have a name? Perhaps we could come to some sort of... arrangement." Despite saying this, Kyle was wary. Something wasn't right about this arrangement. Particularly the fact that someone from Azeroth knew of the dollar, which should have been utterly unrecognizable.

I'm betting it's the email-scamming Nigerians that have something to
do with this. Whatever you do, don't give them your credit card and/or
ID.

> He'd led Matt and Serenity in here in hopes of finding a collector of rare coins he could fob off a couple Quarters and Dimes onto. Instead, he'd stumbled upon something far more bizarre.

Revise: Quarters and Dimes --> quarters and dimes

On the other hand, seeing how wide-spread self-insertion is, perhaps
this was done

Jack Carver (Self-Extraction): Despite our efforts, the plague of
self-insertion has spread indefinitely across the fictional realm.
Again. (cocks his gun) Our job never ends.

http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net/extract/extract.html

> Kyle blinked, as all the pieces suddenly fell into place.

Revise: blinked, as --> blinked as

> As his Spiel continued, Kyle turned around to look at Matt, who looked just as

Revise: Spiel --> spiel

> annoyed as he. Serenity looked somewhat lost, but having never had to deal with the economic plague gold farmers in WoW represented, she was unlikely to understand Kyle or Matt's sudden disgust and rage.

Make that the two of us, your highness.

> "... we're expanding into Kalimdor, now, and some promising entrepreneurs have

Revise: Kalimdor, now, --> Kalimdor now,

> "What you say... sounds unlikely." Kyle said, hesitantly, trying his best to sound

Revise: unlikely." Kyle --> unlikely," Kyle

> With a flourish, the man pulled his jacket open, exposing multiple string-drawn purses that appeared to be mostly full. "We're always loaded! I can buy anything in Ironforge with this. These are all enchanted purses, able to hold hundreds of pounds of gold, and they're giving them away to members!"

Huh. Ponzi scheme?

Tatsuhiro Sato (Welcome to the NHK): Don't fall for it! IT'S A TRAP! A TRAP! OAO

> Kyle was about to quip, but decided against it, instead looking at the stairwell in feigned surprise. "Who's that!"

Revise: that!" --> that?"

> When Serenity turned to look, Kyle spun, fist clenched, hitting the Gold Farmer with a rather well-placed haymaker to the chin. Lixspilsen's teeth slammed together, his head shot back from the impact, and he fell to the floor in a heap, the gold in his coat jingling merrily as his body settled to the floor.

Linkara (Atop the Fourth Wall): Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

> As Kyle hovered over the now-unconscious body, there was a scraping noise from behind them all, which Kyle missed as Serenity had turned around just in time to see the man hit the floor and was berating Kyle. "How could you! Not only was that unnecessarily violent, he hadn't done anything to us!"

Kyle: You don't understand. He's a n00b. That's how you treat n00bs. Really.

> "Oh, your highnessness, he's done far more damage to us than I could ever tell you. Isn't that right Matt?"

Revise (unless it was intentionally misspelled by Kyle for maximum
sarcasm): highnessness --> highness

Also: right Matt --> right, Matt

> Just as he was about to respond, a high-pitched and warbling war cry erupted from the barrels stacked near the staircase.. Out leapt a poorly-dressed man almost faster than

Revise: staircase.. --> staircase.  (punctuation problems)

Grammar Rule #80: Do sentences need to be punctuated properly. Yes,
they do? Seriously!

Also: poorly-dressed --> poorly dressed

> the eye could see, wielding a dagger and a crazed look in his eye. He immediately attacked the first person he saw, which happened to be queen Serenity.

Revise: queen Serenity --> Queen Serenity

Also: It seems that your keyboard is busted.

> The rusty knife glanced off Matt's shoulder, but with his current momentum the

Suggest: momentum the --> momentum, the

> wielder could not stop himself in time and tripped over Matt's still-extended foot.

Oh, Jack Carver! I know you're only doing your job in murdering these
self-inserts, but it looks like ever since Self-Extraction was put
into limbo, you've been out of the job, wandering as a hobo! Oh, how
far the mighty as fallen!

> Serenity, for her part, was both shocked at the sudden violence, which she had been totally unprepared for, and was somewhat annoyed at the direct order.

It was just as planned, your highness; Kyle was going for "somewhat annoying".

> Still, it made more sense for Kyle to take action in her defense than for her to hinder him in such an... un-seemly position.

It could have been worse, your worship; Reverse Cowgirl comes to mind.

Also: un-seemly --> unseemly (no need for the hyphen)

> "FOOLS!" A new voice shouted from the stairs. The three turned in surprise, to see a

Revise: surprise, to --> surprise to

> "Pitiful idiots, you failed to protect that which you were entrusted with! All you'll get from me is a painful death!" And with that, the figure raised his hand, and a ball of orange fire coalesced in front of it, before shooting out and impacting the man who

Revise: it, before --> it before

> Another fireball quickly ignited the unconscious vendor, who died without even knowing why, before the figure on the staircase turned his gaze on them once more.

RMT: Serious Business

Damn. WoW is really tough on newbies. They should get them a place to
congregate and learn before facing the veterans of the game, if they
haven't already.

> Matt cartwheeled his way to the kicked knife, picking it up as his hand passed by it, and threw it at the man, embedding it in his eye. At least, that was his plan, before reality set in and he realized he couldn't actually do any of those things.

LOL. That was precious.

> He settled for figuring out how far he was away from the exit, and then how to get Serenity to there as quickly as possible.

Kyle: (chopped liver in Matt's mind)

> "You three... will have the honor of being targets of our collections branch. Enjoy what little time you still have!" Before anyone could act, the figure ran up the stairs, and there was a flash of light from the store above.

Kyle: Whew! Saved by the plot!

> "... That was violent." Serenity stated factually, as the silence dragged on.

Revise: factually, as --> factually as

> Kyle nodded. "I was kind of hoping he'd just get a slap on the wrist and we could steal from him again later."
>
> "'Again?'" Serenity asked, incredulously.

Kyle: People in RPGs steal from people all the time. You can even
ransack their homes of innocent families and they wouldn't even care.
It's almost redundant to have a Thief Class in an RPG Game, once you
think about it.

> Kyle blinked. "Not like he earned it. They're a fairly problematic... err... group, back where I come from." Kyle winced. "Come on, lets get out of here, it stinks."

Revise: lets --> let's

Also: Because Kyle has no intention of explaining the WoW in-joke,
non-WoW gamers and the queen will have to settle for never finding out
what he meant until they actually play the game.

> Serenity, who had been trying to keep her cool, lost it. "Stinks? Of course it stinks! Two people just burned to death, and we could have been next!

Kyle: Well, in fairness, they won't be needing gold where they're going.

Horatio Kane: (berating Kyle) No, no, no, that's wrong. _This_ is how
you do it (poses dramatically, takes off glasses). Well, in
fairness... (puts glasses on) they won't be needing gold where they're
going.

~YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!~

Kyle: Boo. Old meme.

> Kyle, surprised at the outburst, looked down at the two charred bodies on the floor, and shuddered, before heading for the staircase himself. It had been exceedingly unnerving to watch them die, and he'd been just as worried as Serenity, though his levity hadn't made it as apparent. She'd probably seen more death than he had, actually, considering this was his first time.

"Levity" isn't the proper word to describe Kyle.

> Matt, for his part, paused to pick up the knife he'd kicked away earlier. It still had a bit of his blood on it. "I think this shit just got real," he said with a sober expression on his face. He followed Serenity out without another word.

Horatio Kane: (approves of Matt's eighties-esque one-liner)

> "Indeed," Kyle mumbled, before leaving as well.

Horatio Kane: (throws unlimited amounts of sunglasses at Kyle, booing)

(shrugs) I've seen worse jerk characters than Kyle, so I admit this
seeming bashing of him is a bit much. Still, there's something about
his condescending pretentiousness that rubs off of he wrongly. Like I
said before, his character comes off as Anakin Skywalker pretending to
be Han Solo.

Kyle: Feh. Whatever. I just hope you realize the irony of your statement.

(clears throat) ...Anyway, next chapter!

>
> Chapter 5
>
> Xxxxx
>
> Across the courtyard and past the softly-glowing pool, Serenity strode with a fury

Revise: softly-glowing --> softly glowing (don't turn an adverb and an
adjective into a compound descriptor; it's awkward-looking and stuff)

> not felt since she'd first heard that her own kingdom was being attacked by secessionist-seeking-terrorists from the belt.

Revise: secessionist-seeking-terrorists --> secessionist-seeking
terrorists (because "secessionist-seeking" is describing "terrorists";
"secessionist-seeking-terrorists" isn't describing "from the belt")

> She didn't know what she was doing or where she was going, but she knew where she didn't want to be. To see life treated so callously, not just by an enemy, but by people she thought were at least a decent sort...

In fairness, her making an issue of this is very in-character. Kudos
again, fic.

> In her haste to escape the immediate area, Serenity did not notice she was heading to a decidedly shady, even for Ironforge, area of the underground city. The shadow that

Suggest: shady -- even for Ironforge -- area

> "Your money and your life," the gruff voice demanded.

Queen Serenity: ...My GP and my HP?

> "Isn't it customary to ask a person to choose between their money or their life?" Serenity asked, more to stall for time than anything. She was quietly gathering power for a counter-attack, and vaguely worried she'd mess it up. She hadn't had to call on

Revise: counter-attack --> counterattack (dictionary-verifiable word,
no need for the hyphen)

> Out of no where, soft, serene music began playing and filled the air, causing both

Revise: no where --> nowhere

It's Tuxedo Mask's daddy, Trenchcoat Mask?

Trenchcoat Mask: (goes into Matrix time)

> "Calm yourself, sister," a voice sounded inside Serenity's mind. "All shall be made clear in time." The queen nodded uncomprehendingly at the voice as she tried to will herself to some form of defense against this... whatever it was.

Hypnosis, I believe.

Sosuke Aizen: (harrumphs)

> "I, dear Serenity, am you," the voice mysteriously replied.
>
> Then she knew no more.

Oh, great. Queen Serenity is doing the second season of Rayearth,
developing her own personal anime-only villain, Nova.

> Matt's first priority upon exiting the establishment where he had just witnessed his first two murders was to locate the queen that was his only ticket home. Despite worrying about her mental health, his first concern was, really, to get back to where he came from. As far as he knew, they didn't have things like running water, plumbing, or refrigeration. He liked his creature comforts, and did not want to be separated from them if he could help it.

Heh. Hey, Tannim... your author avatar in this fic is all right. IMO,
he's not as annoying as Kyle, but that impression might root from how
irritating Kyle is (even if it's intentional, it's no less
irritating). Moreover, Matt's much more perceptive of the important
things when being stranded in the world of fiction than the other
author's avatar. Nice observation, Matt.

> It was not difficult to spot woman with silver hair cascading down her head and past

Revise: woman --> a woman / women (this is either a missing word error
or a misspelled word one; I'm guessing the former)

> her knees dressed entirely in white; the eye practically drew itself to her and she was receiving a large amount of odd looks at the storm she was brewing. Anger and rage prompted speed from her, and before Matt knew it she was half-way across the hall and proceeding at a good clip towards the next area.

Revise: half-way --> halfway (hyphen muyo, dictionary-verifiable word)

> "Hmm... probably. Women, you know?" he replied with a shrug.

Kyle: (shakes his head) You steal from the dead before they die for
the sake of survival, and all of the sudden they get all emotional on
you. Tsk.

> Kyle sighed, glancing back at the dark doorway and suppressing a shudder as he hurried to follow. He'd intended to rob the Gold Farmer (not like he didn't have plenty to spare) and go; and the death of the two, while maybe not totally unpredictable, had been a rather grisly surprise... And clearly, bravado wasn't going to go over well with Serenity. At least, not until she learned that Azeroth was a far cry from her Moon Kingdom.

I dunno. Once the Dark Kingdom (tm) started murdering everyone in its
path, the Moon Kingdom arguably became a tough place to be in. Like
Warsaw, for instance.

> Catching up to Matt, he pointed at the darkened cave at the far end of the cavern they were in, where Serenity had disappeared.

...It's a save point?

Kyle: (rolls his eyes) Damn n00bs.

> Matt began to speed up but was stopped by Kyle grabbing his arm. "We should, y'know, give her some time. To settle down," Kyle commented.

Kyle: Pregnant women tend to be emotional. Granted, we should be
protecting her better, but the sooner she realizes that this jerkiness
of mine isn't an act, the better our party will function in future
quests.

> Matt nodded reluctantly and stayed at his previous pace. When a dazzling flash of light briefly illuminated the cave from within, Kyle blinked in surprise, before starting to run. "On the other hand, she's had plenty of time, right?"

Revise: surprise, before --> surprise before

> In a handful of seconds the two made their way to where they assumed the queen was only to be greeted with the puzzling sight of a dwarf, dagger in hand, staring off into nothingness with a vacant expression on his face. A quick glance of the interior of the place revealed that Serenity was no where to be found.

Revise: no where --> nowhere

> "Hey, you!" Matt spoke to the dwarf. "Have you seen a girl in white with silver hair come by here?"

Girl? She's arguably an MILF by now.

> "I want to go home and rethink my life," the dwarf mumbled to himself. He then proceeded to wander off in a daze.

LOL. Sounds about right... he has all the symptoms of being, well,
Sailor Mooned.

Popeye: (drops his trousers, shows off his butt) Sailor MOON!

> "Well..." Kyle said, nonplussed.

If you meant Kyle was unimpressed or slightly amused, revise that
word. If you meant that Kyle was confused, then okay.

> "Well, where do we go now?" Matt asked, as the dwarf wandered off.

Revise: asked, as --> asked as

> "Well... I hate to suggest it, but it might be wisest if we split up. Ironforge is... safe enough, for the most part." Kyle paused to watch the Dwarf wander into the wall

Revise: the Dwarf --> the dwarf

> once, before making it out of the cavern. Hoping Matt hadn't seen that, he continued speaking. "I think you should stay here and hunt for Serenity. I'll head back to the Inn and get her jewelry...

Suggest: Inn --> inn

Kyle: Screw Serenity. You go find her.

> It wasn't my intention, but I did kind of piss her off."

Kyle: I'm not bad, I'm just written that way.

> It didn't take long for Matt to realize just how massive Ironforge really was. The way the ceiling stretched up high was rather disorientating, making things appear much more open than they were, almost as if he was outside. At least he didn't feel like he

Revise: almost as if he was --> almost as if he were (subjunctive mood)

> He hadn't really given them a good look before, but the various travelers that were passing through the great city of Ironforge were dressed in all sorts of different ways; most were in what would be called civilian clothing, usually denoting their profession. Others were in the uniform of the local or some far off guard, while still

Suggest: far off --> far-off (compound descriptor)

> They weren't difficult to find. A helpful guard pointed him in the right direction to an outfitter. It was easy work purchasing shoes, shirt, and pants. The clerk even offered to take his old clothes off him for a few coins, which he accepted. He had been able to afford silk shirt and pants, and felt no need to change.

Er, is that a wise choice? Letting him keep his old clothes will let
him have something to wear that doesn't make him look like a cosplayer
once he gets back to his world. On the other hand, it's always good to
have a spare change of clothes, even if those clothes look like clown
clothes in that world.

> At first he tried simply asking each passer-by if they'd seen a human girl with

Revise: passer-by --> passerby (dictionary-verifiable word, no need
for the hyphen)

Also: human woman, since she's already pregnant with Princess Serenity

Queen Serenity: (would have blushed at the narrative were she not a
queen) Oh my, you're so flattering, mister narrative!

> silver hair wearing white. After the third offer to end his life if he did not walk

LOL.

> the other way, he got the idea that most people were not friendly around here. It wasn't that they were mean, per say, but the vast majority had the look of seasoned

Revise: per say --> per se

Grammar Rule #64: Per se means of itself. Per say is only how you pronounce it.

> warriors, and had no patience for weaklings asking strange questions.

...Either that or he's in Detroit.

> Unwilling to part with his clothes, but definitely in need of something warmer, Kyle had asked a tailor for a fitted cloak. It had taken a few minutes to find the shop, particularly as some of them were closing, but with enough gold, even the most weary of

Revise: most weary --> weariest

> store owners was willing to deal with 'one last customer.' As an added bonus, the gold entitled him to a free light meal, and stepping out of the tailor's shop a half-hour later, he had a fairly warm cloak and a few gold pieces lighter.

Kyle: Thievery of the dead, dying, or good as dead is awesome! Suck on
that, n00bs!

> "To Kharanos!" Kyle cried, as he passed through the gates of Ironforge and out into

Revise: cried, as --> cried as

> the frosty winds of Dun Morogh. The sun had gone down, and a few clouds dotted the evening sky, but the crisp, cool air did little to dim the stars, or the moon.

Suggest: stars, or the moon.

It's a good thing that Queen Serenity hasn't been asked/has the
presence of mind not to answer the question, "So, where are you from?"
Because if she does answer the question, she'll be called a lunatic by
every sense of that word.

> By the moonlight, Kyle quickly retraced their earlier steps, the majority of the path being downhill. Even now, after sundown, the Dwarves had guards patrolling the roads,

Revise: the Dwarves --> the dwarves

> He'd barely made it halfway back when someone stepped out onto the path ahead of him. Stepping back warily, Kyle prepared himself for an attack, and cursed his current lack of a weapon. 'Something to remedy as soon as possible,' he thought to himself with a slight grimace.

What? Snark attack? You're going to debate him to dead? Use a
strawman, while you're at it?

> "You are quite difficult to find," she muttered, before holding her hand out as if to

Revise: muttered, before --> muttered before

> Kyle just nodded, putting the silver bit into a pocket,

Suggest: pocket, --> pocket.

> "Was it that obvious?" She asked with a smirk, before heading up the road. "Coming?" She called over her shoulder, when he didn't start after her immediately.

Revise: She asked --> she asked (capitalization muyo)

Also: She called --> she called (capitalization muyo)

Furthermore: shoulder, --> shoulder (comma muyo)

> Shaking the weary resignation away, Kyle resolved himself to climbing that trail again, and started off after her.

Revise: again, and --> again and

> Xxxxx
>
> "Can I touch them?"
>
> The priest reacted as if slapped, and turned to look at the human he'd been standing next with a horrified expression. "What?"

LOL. Well, this time around, Matt's proving himself to be genuinely
wacky, as opposed to his actions during the first three chapters and
the prologue.

> "Your ears. Can I touch them?"

What is he, Higurashi Kagome?

> Matt didn't say it out loud, but they looked kind of rubbery or fake. While he still hadn't completely ruled out the possibility that everything he was going through was one massive coma-induced dream,

Or a LARP. A multimillion-dollar LARP designed by scientists to
continue the RPG-like experiment of the Stanford Prison experiment.
Hell, the cognitive dissonance of Kyle is already striking...

Matt: Er, no. Kyle's always been like that.

> the thought had just now occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, this was some sort of elaborate ruse. Perpetrated by whom, the man didn't know, or why; but he was just sleep-deprived enough to give the possibility some serious thought.

Tatsuhiro Sato (Welcome to the NHK): IT'S A CONSPIRACY! A CONSPIRACY
BY THE NHK TO TURN YOU INTO HIKIKOMORI!

...Huh. I intended to only use Sato as a one-off gag for the RMT
thing, but here we are. An opportunity presented itself to introduce
what Sato is really known for. ^_^

> They also looked soft.
>
> "I'll have you know they're very sensitive, and that is considered something of an intimate action by my people," the elf replied, somewhat haughtily.

Since this is an elf talking to a human, I'm wondering why he hasn't
slapped the taste off of his mouth anyway.

> "So that's a 'no' then," Matt said with obvious disappointment.
>
> The night elf tried to keep his face passive, but relented at the kicked puppy-dog expression on Matt's face. "Fine. But only the tip, and only briefly."

Yaoi fangirls: That's what he said.

> Matt grinned and, obeying the elf's wishes, gently rubbed a finger over the edge of one ear. They were soft, but also surprisingly warm. "Thanks," he nodded.
>
> "Don't mention it. Please."

ROFLcopter. Looks like Chapter 5 is picking up from the continuous
dreariness of the beginning parts of chapter four.

> "This cavern is just too unnatural. The Dwarves may pride themselves on the architecture, but it's far too..." she trailed off as if looking for the word.

Revise: Dwarves --> dwarves

> Kyle buried his face in his hands. "Look, this is a mountain, not a giant tree. And look what happened to your last big tree, if you've forgotten. At least the Legion won't be coming here. Ironforge is more natural than your World Tree ever was."

Huh. So World Tree has been attacked by corrupt corporate executives, huh?

...Was James Cameron as WoW Player?

> Kyle's companion scowled at him. "The very Aspects of Life, Time, and Dreaming blessed Nordrassil!"

Yggdrasill: (pouts)

> "how could we forget?" Jani muttered, too quiet for the Gnome to hear, but Kyle had

Revise: "how --> "How

Suggest: Gnome --> gnome

> to smirk at that, the utterance definitely confirming his thoughts about Gnomes in general.

Kyle: Screw gnomes.

Suggest: Gnomes --> gnomes

> "There you go!" The Gnome cried, grinning at the party as if his trick had never been seen before. Of course, for two of them, it actually hadn't, and his smile grew as Matt and Kyle stared into the portal with mixed emotions.

Revise: go!" The --> go!" the

Suggest: Gnome --> gnome

> Finally, Kyle shook his head, and shrugged. "There's something you don't see every

Revise: head, and --> head and

> day," he mumbled. "I just.. step through?" He asked.

Revise: just.. --> just...

Also: through?" He --> through?" he

> "Indeed." The male night elf intoned sagely.

Revise: Indeed." The --> Indeed," the

> "Better a wormhole than teleportation, I suppose," Matt said as he reluctantly strode through the portal hanging in mid-air. The only thing he noticed was a slight tingling

Revise: mid-air --> midair

> "And so you've arrived." Someone spoke from behind them. Turning around, the small group spotted a new night elf female, this one in much more elegant robes, and the two priests dropped to their knees in supplication.

Er, well, they're not really two "priests" since the other night elf
is a "priestess", right?

> "Rise, and go with Elune's Blessing, friends." Tyrande said, never taking her eyes off the two humans before her.

Revise: friends." Tyrande said --> friends," Tyrande said

> Kyle matched her gaze with one of his own, doing his best to recall what he knew of her, and trying not to let his thoughts show as he remember her more snide comments and

Revise: remember her --> remembered her (tense problem)

> 'Is she hitting on me? She's staring pretty intensely at us... maybe it's Kyle she's into? Or humans in general. Geez! I wish I'd played more of the games, maybe she was

Revise: Geez --> Jeez

> someone important enough to remember who she was. And now she's getting closer with

Revise: enough to --> enough for me to (add "for me to")

Or: enough to remember who she was. --> enough to remember. (get rid
of "who she was")

> that "I'm evaluating you and finding you lacking" expression... oh, she hates our guts. She looks like she just smelled something terrible.'

Heh. Don't all elves regard humans like that?

> "You two must be tired," Tyrande finally said. Not expecting that at all, the two could do naught but nod. Smiling slightly, she turned around. "Elune has somewhat

Suggest: naught but not --> nothing but nod

The thesaurus word was real cute, but I suggest simplifying your
sentences because that word looked so out of place.

Grammar Rule #34: Avoid "buzz-words"; such integrated transitional
scenarios complicate simplistic matters.

> specifically asked you here, and I've done my part in getting you here and providing you two a means of communicating with her." She spoke over her shoulder as she walked, and as they crossed a marble bridge over tranquil waters, she paused, throwing the two another glance. "Though, I must admit, the Goddess' attention is rarely focused on specific mortals... and humans, at that? Perhaps you know why you've been summoned?"

If they were summoned, that was one helluva convoluted summoning
spell. And up until now, the submarine hasn't come into play. :(

Matt: Maybe next time, in a Call of Duty self-insertion story...

> "You two are human, correct?" she asked, her humor having evaporated.
>
> Matt and Kyle looked at one another, before Kyle replied, "Yeah... last time we checked, anyway."

Revise: another, before --> another before

> "We could be butterflies dreaming we're human, but all evidence points to that premise being false," Matt said, half jokingly, half seriously.

Revise: half-jokingly, half-seriously (hyphen needed)

> "You certainly jest like humans. Particularly in the face of adversity and overwhelming odds." Turning to look at a towering statue of a feminine figure shaped similarly to a night elf, Tyrande sighed. "Elune brought you here, so I must assume you are no threat. Try not to upset the workers at the temple during your stay."

Elune? Funny, I thought it was Serenity, unless Elune is suddenly
Serenity in this fic...

> As she spoke, the group had reached ad large structure crawling with healthy green vines. Inside, a diffuse blue-silver light shone, illuminating a pool of crystal blue

Revise: crystal-blue

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated.

> Upon entering the Temple itself, Kyle and Matt were rather beset by lethargy, the

Revise: Temple --> temple

> moonlight and atmosphere enhancing the magic of the temple and conveying a rather

Suggest: using another word than "temple"; the sentence is starting to
sound redundant.

> "-of Earth?" He asked, tearing his gaze from the planet above and looking around for

Revise: Earth?" he asked,

> the source of the voice. Across from him, on a nearby bench, sat Matt, who was also

Revise: Across from him --> Across him

> "Hello Matt, Kyle." The Queen of the Silver Millennium said, nodding to both as she spoke their names.

Revise: Kyle." The --> Kyle," the

> "Indeed. The two of you have traveled rather far, from what Serenity here tells me. And from what I can divine of your Destinies, you yet have quite a bit more traveling

Revise: Destinies --> destinies

> "Well, at least Serenity will be safe here," Kyle mumbled, wondering what sort of mess Elune would be tossing them back into. "And how'd we get here?" He asked, puzzled.

Revise: here?" He --> here?" he

Also: Aw, they're going to dump Serenity into some temple while they
go off adventuring? Boo.

> He was pretty sure hadn't fallen out of the sky again. At least, it didn't feel like
> it.

Revise: sure hadn't --> sure he hadn't (missing word)

It's Grammar Rule #38 all over again.

> "Your spirits are here, while your bodies lie sleeping in my temple at Darnassus. And Serenity, my sister, shares the same fate as you."

Sister...?

> "I'm one of those jerks who thinks respect should be earned, not freely given.

There's nothing quite worse than a self-aware jerk.

> And Elune, while helpful to those she favors, is a staunch pacifist, despite the rather insane amounts of death her followers, and the rest of the people of Azeroth have suffered since.... well... as far back as lore goes."

Man. What a sentence. How about cutting those prepositional phrases
down into other sentences so that you won't make a paragraph out of
one sentence?

Grammar Rule #43: In good writing, for good reasons, under normal
circumstances, whenever you can, use prepositional phrases in limited
numbers and with great caution.
> "It's not nearly as mundane as searching for answers. If you envision a mind as a book, I'm asking for a copy of all the pages concerning this universe. You have my word no harm will befall you," the Goddess elaborated.

Revise: Goddess --> goddess

> "Sounds good to me," Matt chimed in.
>
> Kyle shot Matt a grin. "I think your knowledge might just be a little dated."

Kyle: (going through the motions of being "the rude one" of the group)
My token resistance is mostly forgotten by now.

> Kyle blinked in surprised.

Revise: in surprised --> in surprise (you've presumably made a typo
with that sentence)

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

> "Assist us?" Matt asked, before he could ask it himself.

Revise: asked, before --> asked before

Also: Huh? What does that even mean? He asked before he asked? ?_?

> "A sentiment I'd echo, were our positions reversed," Serenity replied with a nod.

Revise: echo, were --> echo were

> Automatically smiling at the comment, Kyle mulled internally over the choices. He had no obligation to uphold the time line, or even to intercede on behalf of the world of Azeroth. Or Outland, for that matter. Elune was a peaceful Deity, so it was highly

Revise: peaceful Deity --> peaceful deity