[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Error in Calculation: Chapter Three

[Chester Castañeda]

Hello. I'm Abdiel, and here's my lengthy EULA of sorts made by
Benjamin A. Oliver:

C&C EULA: The below C&C is provided to you AS IS and WITHOUT ANY
WARRANTY. You agree to indemnify and acknowledge that the C&Cer will
be held blameless for any damage resulting to including but not
limited to 1) your mind, 2) the quality of your work, 3) your desire
to continue writing the C&Ced work. You acknowledge that these
comments do not belong to you, but rather that the comments are
licensed to you for a limited one-chapter period. If at any time you
disagree with these comments, this license is revoked and you must
permanently delete all chapters, spamfics, and storylines from which
edits based upon this C&C were made.

C&C EULA Summarized: I can be a bit of a dick when reviewing stuff.
Use what you can use, ignore the rest.

[I agree to this License] (Continue Reading)
[I do not agree to this License] (Delete email)

On an unrelated note, congratulations! You're the 200th C&C I've made
since I started
C&Cing regularly in 2005 and made enemies of fanfic authors everywhere
because of my none-to-polite way of nitpicking (and a few appreciative
ones here and there). Man, did C&Cing teach me some hard lessons, like
don't C&C a fic in the middle of a series, read it all the way through
first, or at least use Google to educate yourself on what is or isn't
a word. Ah, good times. Good times. ^_^

Anyway, on to the C&Cing! Huzzah!

On Sat, Mar 6, 2010 at 6:29 AM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
> No, really, I'm double-checking this time. >_<
>
> I'll post more ... well, later.  If you deleted the original chapter
> two (subject line said it was 'one'), and would like another copy,
> it's here: http://www.chez-vrolet.net/pipermail/ffml/2010-March/thread.html
> or you can pester me for a direct e-mail (I don't mind).

No problem, Gmail is a veritable repository of emails at this point,
if you allow it. It's now my archive of FFML fics. I barely delete
mine nowadays save for the most obvious of spam, and they get sent to
the trash anyway. It's only unfortunate that they have a "We can
delete your account whenever we want and for whatever reason" policy
in their agreement, but so does Yahoo Mail and Hotmail.

>     Error in Calculation
>
>     Chapter Three: The Third Morning
>
>        A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction.

I wish that there were more Haruhi fanfics. I mean, thanks for
representing Haruhi with the FFML man, because had the FFML been as
active with Haruhi as it was with Ranma, Sailor Moon, Tenchi Muyo,
Evangelion, and multi-series crossovers, then I would've gotten to
read endless parody fics about Endless Eight. If only. ^_^ Oh well...

>     She woke up in the same bed as Yuki again, though the smaller
> girl's eyes were open when she roused.  Did she even sleep?  Was she

Yuki is smaller than Haruhi? I was under the impression that all three
girls were of the same height and relative weight (except Mikuru for
two or three reasons). I mean, just look at the meme-like ending song
of the series. (Think) Am I right, or am I mistaken?

> worried about Kyon, too?

More than you'll ever know, hopefully.

> the city surface, making the trudge even less pleasant than usual.
> Despite her tiny frame, Yuki seemed to ignore the heat.

The only tiny-framed Yuki I know of is the one from Haruhi-chan.

>     They got to school early to find police waiting at all gates,
> checking identifications of student and teacher alike before allowing
> entry.  Outside of the front gate, a small crowd of reporters stood,
> some photographing the school, most taking down notes.  The
> close-mouthed police officers said nothing, except to ask for
> identification, and did not respond to any questioning.

So the information blackout is still in place. The world is still safe
from harm.

>     On the surface of his desk stood a small vase with a bouquet of
> white flowers.
>
>     She could only stare, her heart skipping erratically.

Spoke too soon. There we go. Goodbye, cruel world.

>     She felt the classroom around her spinning, and fell to her
> knees, still wishing she could refute it.  The memorial flowers on
> Kyon's desk ... she could try and tell herself the principal had never
> said _Kyon_, because he had used the boy's real name.  She knew that

Ahhhh. So that's why Haruhi didn't catch it the first time.

>     She nodded, then turned away from Kyon's desk, plodding
> listlessly towards the hallway.  Yuki was still there, waiting for
> her, watching as always.  But before she could reach the doorway,
> another familiar voice reached her.
>
>     "Suzumiya-san!  How are you doing?"

You're like a scientist gleefully examining the results of your
experiment, I see.

>     She ignored the question, taking another step forward, until that
> same voice called out again.
>
>     "Isn't this astounding?"
>
>     "Hey," she heard Taniguchi growl, "just leave her alone, alright?"
>
>     "I don't need you to look out for me," she retorted, realizing
> she wasn't certain which student she was rebuking, the unusually stoic
> Taniguchi, or the ever-cheerful Ryouko.

Er, Asakura Ryoko-san, you should have installed a better "social
module" inside you--better than Nagato's at least--so that you'd know
that this isn't the best time to flaunt your obvious guiltiness. Yeah,
anyone who's bothered to watch the series knows it was you who did it,
but at the very least try to feign a modicum of innocence with the
people around you.

>     "It's strange, really," Ryouko said, her tone musing.  "Just a
> few days ago, you were sitting behind him, and you said you wanted the
> world to be more interesting.  That all of this was boring!  But now
> that something happens, you don't seem very interested.  What a pity!
> I suppose he died for nothing?"

You have a penchant for knowing which buttons to push, fic. If you
want Ryoko to come out as dislikable, then congratulations; mission
accomplished. Looks like this particular artificial human isn't as
Genre Savvy as I thought she would be. She's being too gleeful in her
gloating such that she doesn't care if it makes her look suspicious.

Nagato: If she were Genre Savvy, she wouldn't have dared kill Kyon in
the first place.

> class representative.  The surrounding students flung themselves
> backward against the walls of the classroom, eyes and mouths widening
> in stupefied amazement.

(getting an inappropriate visual of the students moving as one as they
fled a la a Roman legion) LOL.

>     Someone was screaming promises of murder at Asakura Ryouko, and

(blinks) Seriously, for someone who could get away with murder, Ryoko
isn't very subtle. I expected her to approach this Kasumi-like before
asking Haruhi some Armor-Piercing Questions.

>     Inexplicably, someone seized Haruhi almost instantly, pulling her
> away before she could try throwing another punch.  Ryouko's smile had
> faded an additional, tiny increment, but her expression was more
> puzzled than anything else.  Other than her head turning slightly to
> one side from the blow, she hardly seemed to react at all.

Ryoko (as Marvin the Martian): Where's the kaboom? There was supposed
to be an earth-shattering kaboom! (Pouts)

Ah, so that's the reason why Ryoko acted the way she did
storyline-wise. This scene. I like the subtext of "Warning: May
destroy the universe" in that scene. Reminds me of Back to the Future
II, where there was a slight chance that Jennifer meeting her future
self will cause a chain reaction that will destroy the entire galaxy.

Marty McFly: This is heavy, Doc.

>     It wasn't until she was dragged into the hall that she realized
> the screaming voice was her own, and she released it with a broken
> sob, collapsing into whoever was dragging her away.

Almost as awesome as the time when Kyon beat Haruhi up in order to end
Endless Eight.

Kyon: (Whispers stuff to me, gives me the URL
http://kielmaru07.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/tunas-endless-eight-02.jpg)

...I don't care if it's from a hentai dojin, I still consider it canon
in my mind. ^_^

>     Mori was leaning over him, the back of her hand pressed to his
> forehead.  Her eyes were full of concern, and he realized she'd found
> time to change clothing to something more casual.

The outfit of a skydiver with no parachute that's just passing by?

>     "I see," she said, sighing.  "I'll get you something to eat.
> Arakawa got you some new clothes, and this is the master bedroom, so
> you can use the shower if you like.  Would you care for coffee?"

Arakawa, Akasaka, Asakura. Say that five times fast. With rocks in your mouth.

Chiyo: bakuhatsubasugasuhakuhasubakuhasubasugatsubasugasu... >v<

>     Mori raised an eyebrow, but nodded, leaving the room.  He rose to
> his feet, stripping off the high school uniform he had exhaustedly
> collapsed in.  By his reckoning, he hadn't had nearly enough sleep,
> given everything he'd already been through.

(obligatory fangirl squee)

Kyon: (eyes half-lidded) I see you're still undressing at random
moments, Koizumi.

>     "Good morning," he said bleakly, falling into his chair and
> sipping cautiously at his coffee.  Untouched, as he preferred.  Mori
> took a seat opposite him after setting a plate before him.  He eagerly
> dug into the over-sized omelet she had prepared, shoveling it away too
> quickly to taste it.
>

Revise: over-sized --> oversized (dictionary-verifiable word, no need
for the hyphen)

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

>     "Neither Tamaru is central on the case; they're both patrol
> officers, and that's detective work.  However, there are 'persons of
> interest' in the murder.  Nagato Yuki, Suzumiya Haruhi, Asakura
> Ryouko, Asahina Mikuru, and ... yourself."

In terms of hunches, now that Asakura Ryoko _oh-so-stupidly_ exposed
herself as a "person of interest" in the eyes of the police and she
suddenly ended up in a line up of people mostly composed of SOS
Brigade Members, Itsuki could deduce that...

Itsuku: (singing) ~One of these things is not like the others. One of
these things just doesn't belong...~

I mean, jeez, now the SOS Brigade will naturally be suspicious of the
girl that's an outsider now. 9_9

Ryoko: (scoffs) The author himself says that this fic won't be a
standard murder-mystery for long, and you yourself have noted that any
self-respecting Haruhi fan would know "whodunit", so there's no point
in making the fic pretend that it doesn't know "whodunit".

(grumbles) I know for story purposes it makes sense, but in terms of
your own interests, you shouldn't have acted so suspicious. Go read an
Evil Overlord List or something.

EDIT: This is, of course, just nitpicking in regards to the way Ryoko
is acting, especially if it's integral to the plot for her to somehow
get involved in the mix. However, logically speaking, you have to
admit that her actions haven't been the brightest acts ever, but then
again, it has precedent.

>     Itsuki snorted.  "Having my lookalike leave the country would

Revise: lookalike --> look-alike

> probably do that," he grumbled.  "That's fine.  I won't go anywhere I
> can't slip into closed space at a moment's notice.  Nagato's a TFEI
> ... and they really think Suzumiya-san could have done it?  Anyway, I

Knowing what they don't know about Haruhi and Ryoko, why shouldn't
they think that way? She's a bit unhinged as is.

>     Pausing to swallow and catch his breath, Itsuki shook his head.
> "So, none of their suspects are plausible ... unless it was Asahina
> Mikuru.  I've always suspected her behavior and outward appearance

(heabutts desk) It's the person that's not part of your close-knit
group, Itsuki! That's your murderer!

Itsuki: Nah. Why would I think that? I'm not xenophobic. It's
obviously Asahina-san.

EDIT: In fairness, Asakura being an outsider to the group isn't solid,
factual basis for Itsuki to accuse her. Then again, if he can be
suspicious of Asahina, then he should also be suspicious of the
Asakura, or at think of her as in league with Nagato.

> were a ploy ... but I can't see that she would bother with something
> like that.  She could crush Suzumiya-san's will through less violent
> but equally, um, direct methods, if that was actually her goal."

And she's so dojikko and moe, she'd be one of the first ones
steamrolled in a series like Elfen Lied. Five seconds, tops.

Mikuru: OAO Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0kv2ZLAgI0

...Well, okay, that's from Haruhi-chan, but what in Mikuru's canon
actions suggests to the organization that she's even capable of
killing Kyon?

>     Itsuki resumed eating at a slower pace, nodding, his face
> coloring slightly at Mori's casual mention of the word.  What was
> wrong with him, where he could discuss murder without flinching, but
> the idea of Kyon being seduced bothered him?  Maybe it was that he
> didn't see Kyon actually falling for it?

Fangirls: (squeeeing at the subtext)

Me: (didn't need those eardrums anyway)

>     "Well, at any rate, even though you believe Asahina-san wouldn't
> do such a thing, others in the Organization might think differently.
> So we have to bank on Asahina-san being in _someone's_ custody, even
> if we don't know who."

Not really criticism: The narrative and your characters love saying
"at any rate". Just wanted to take note.

>     He drained his coffee, contemplating.  "Maybe we're giving them
> too much credit," he assessed, setting the empty mug down.  "This
> could be a long shot, but how confident are we that the integrated
> data sentience entity is united?  Our own Organization just split ...
> could they also have faults?"

Good point, Itsuki.

>     Arakawa picked up the headphones, and held them against one ear.
> "Does this mean that we take the police theories at face value and
> look at Asakura Ryouko as the prime suspect?" he asked.

It must be disappointing to Ryoko that nothing stellar or apocalyptic
has happened yet, but then again, when it comes to a reality warper,
she could get creative and do some weird stuff to time, space, matter,
and physics that they're not even aware of. They could all be in an
intensely complex purgatory already, and they wouldn't know.

> He swallowed, a sour taste filling his mouth.  "We don't even know for
> certain that she's still alive.  And if she is alive, the smartest
> thing for her to do would be to leave this time-frame immediately, and
> she's not stupid."

Revise: time-frame --> timeframe (dictionary-verifiable word)

>     "Take care of yourself," Mori insisted, before he shifted into
> that colorless world and embraced his power.

Suggest: insisted, before --> insisted before

>     Akasaka Mamoru watched Suzumiya Haruhi and Nagato Yuki follow
> Oishi down the hall, then turned around, nodding at Yamada and the
> other detective, who he hadn't learned the name of.  From a technical
> standpoint, despite posing as a detective, he didn't have the
> authority to perform police actions; he was supposed to behave in a
> more administrative capacity.

Akasaka: I can't see ahead with these lampshades on my head! You
shouldn't stack these things on top of the other, dammit!

Meh. At least you actually admit it, unlike the CSI team and their
penchant to do everything from police work to lab work like
multitasking modern detectives.

>     Taniguchi allowed himself to be led away without complaint after
> writing a brief note in the memorial book.  Akasaka then took the book
> and flipped to another page, presenting it to Asakura.  She looked at
> it curiously, then gave a tiny shrug and scrawled her own message,
> which he glanced at: "It was fun, Kyon-kun~!  Thank you for watching
> over Suzumiya-san~!"

I wonder what she'd do to her handwriting in order to conceal it. With
that said, knowing how haphazard and slipshod she's been going about
her work, maybe she didn't even bother hiding her handwriting.

Ryoko: (still smiling) Silly human. You misunderstand. Even if I act
like this and involve myself too closely with the case despite the
risk of getting caught, it's okay. It's worth it. I've already crossed
the line anyway, so why should I be worried about risks? Besides, they
have no proof.

> handwriting as a match to the note found on Student K's body.  He
> understood what Oishi meant about Nagato Yuki sharing some of the same
> traits, and he expected that the detective had also caught the fact
> that despite her small frame and supposedly lower athletic scores ...
> she was able to physically restrain Suzumiya Haruhi without visible
> effort.

Ah. So Akasaka's quite observant, huh. Very good. Shades of Detective
Conan or Kindaichi Case Files observance there.

>     After changing shoes, keeping a sharp eye on Asakura Ryouko the
> entire time, Akasaka gestured to nearest police officer, glancing at
> his name-tag briefly.  "Tamaru-san, I need you to accompany me to the
> station house."

Revise: name-tag --> nametag (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for
the hyphen)

>     Tamaru wordlessly led the way, occasionally shooting nervous
> glances backward at the high school girl they were escorting.  Was
> something about this girl off to the uniformed officer as well?
> Akasaka didn't know, but he knew he didn't like it, either way.

Suggest: it, either way --> it either way

>     "Oh, really?  I'm quite typical; there's nothing remarkable about
> me.  How could I possibly be a person of interest?"

Oh, creepy ass Stepford Smile, unnecessarily agitating Haruhi when you
could have just shut up and gotten away with your little murder,
exposing yourself with your unnatural reactions to Kyon's death as
though your "social module" is even more "broken" than Nagato's, and
overall lack of subtlety for a being that has so far gotten away with
murder. Aside from that, you're perfectly fine.

>     Too carefully, in Oishi's mind.

Got to love detectives and their body language reading skills. :)

>     Behind him, Haruhi trembled, clinging to Yuki as though the
> smaller girl were a life preserver, seemingly oblivious of the outside
> world.  Nagato Yuki's eyes stared straight forward, looking out the
> window and blinking occasionally.  Her expression was almost

Nice show, not tell there. The body languages of the girls are
evocative enough to show how they're feeling without necessarily
telling the audience what they're feeling. Kudos.

> completely impassive.  While Oishi suspected there were traces of
> emotion there, he didn't have time to pick them out in a rear-view
> mirror while driving through a sheeting storm.

Revise: rear-view --> rearview

> leave that security door open for me until I get back.  I'm also going
> to borrow one of these umbrellas."  The old man furrowed his brow, and
> in response Oishi flashed his badge.

Suggest: response Oishi --> response, Oishi

>     Akasaka drew a slow breath, then sighed.
>
>     Oishi's eyes narrowed.  "Something else?" he asked.
>
>     "Asakura's handwriting," came the answer.

I wonder if Asakura's magic handwriting skills managed to come up with
another permutation to stump the fuzz. Otherwise, then I believe she
has no intention of hiding her crime at all.

>     Oishi spat the remnants of his cigarette into a nearby puddle.
> "I see.  Alright -- if you're comfortable, go ahead and question
> Asakura.  I'll probably be back shortly ... depending on Nagato-san's
> testimony, I might bring Suzumiya-san with me for protective custody.
> If we think Nagato-san is the mastermind...."
>
>     "You caught that, too?"

A logical conclusion. I approve. They may need to get a tank, though.
Wouldn't it be funny if Asakura's and Nagato's handwriting matched? I
think that'd be hilarious! Sucks for Nagato, but there's your
conflict.

>     "Lucky break for you," the man said in his thick accent, offering
> something between a grin and a sneer.  "My handler is small and easily
> svayed vith promises of fewer broken bones."

Rusky: In Soviet Russia, promises break you.

>     Itsuki blinked, eyes widening slightly.  "You beat answers out of
> him?" he asked, surprised at the idea.

Itsuki: Tall, muscular man epitomizing every Russian stereotype
imaginable threatening a man with violence? The mind boggles!

>     "Tsst," the Russian hissed, shaking his head.  "They thought they
> could control me vith injections, forgetting perhaps that just because
> I am not in closed space, I am not vithout strength.  I cannot go
> home, little boy.  I hope you are happy."

They must have thought he was Rasputin reborn with the way he hulked
out on them.

>     "Nyet, I vill seek refuge vith other espers.  But is not point.
> Point is this: Organization admits to capturing time traveler.  I
> don't know vere, but I am told is so."

There goes Moe-blob. (Thinks) You know what, I'm kind of worried of
what has happened to her, knowing that this is a darkfic, and knowing
that you're the author.

I kid, I kid... Sort of. O_O

Ukyo (Descent): O_O

Ranma (Descent): O_O

>     Itsuki took another deep breath, nodding to himself.  The two
> were still in closed space; another Shinjin was active in a merged
> space.  "I'm not just trying to play the hero.  Even though your
> information helps me, we're all in this together.  We can at least try
> to clean this space before I go back."

Itsuki: (doing a reassuring gesture) You're important to this story,
even if the reader doesn't know your name.

Rusky: Did I tell you about wife and kids? Look at pictures here...

>     Akasaka didn't particularly want to interview the Kitago class
> 1-5 representative.  Even though she appeared in most ways to be an
> average schoolgirl -- too average, really, except for her almost
> sculpted good looks --

Nami Hito: (pouts)

> the 'wrongness' about her that he couldn't
> quite articulate jarred against his nerves.

Gainax should take notes from Asakura or Square Pictures when it comes
to producing a _true_ Uncanny Valley effect. They've failed
oh-so-spectacularly with Rei Ayanami, as many a Eva fanboy knows.

>     But he was trying to help Oishi with his investigation.  Aside
> from which, the background check on Kimidori Emiri was already in
> motion; he had nothing to gain by idling, unless wanted to make Oishi

Revise: unless wanted --> unless he wanted (missing word, "he")

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

>     "But, don't at least forty-eight hours need to pass before
> parents or guardians can be considered unreachable?"  Her smile hadn't
> faltered in the slightest.

Ah. So that's why she's as smug and unaffected as a Woli beating up
Ippo using a combination of Mayweather defense and monkey-fu; she has
knowledge of the law.

>     The girl stared, her smile vanishing as her lips pressed into a
> straight, flat line.  She blinked, considering something, then her

I hate it when Stepford Smilers do that blank, neutral stare thing.
Freaked me out when I watched such an expression from some characters
in Monster, and it still creeps me out by just reading about it.

>     "You're not leaving this building," Aida began, before she
> abruptly circled around the table and closed to him, her hand driving

'Closed' to him?

Suggest: Closed in on him (?)

Not sure what you were trying to say there.

> into the detective's chest before Akasaka could even reach for his
> stun-gun.  It came away trailing an arc of crimson, then plunged in
> again, and again, and for good measure, the girl ripped her hand back
> and forth, side-to-side, shedding another spray of arterial blood.

Shit hit the fan.

>     "Help!" Akasaka screamed, wrenching the stun-gun from its holster
> and turning, far too late.  The detectives in the room beyond all

Suggest: turning, far --> turning far

>     Growling, he stuffed the stun-gun back into place and tried to
> administer first aid until a medical attendant arrived.  His heart and
> mind both racing erratically, the second he had hands free, he
> snatched his phone and redialed Oishi.

Revise: he had hands free --> he had his hands free

>     She wordlessly turned and opened the door.  Grimacing, he stepped
> into her apartment.  The sparse, almost bare room sported only one
> piece of furniture worth noting.

A jack-in-the-box Achakura? I wanted one for Christmas.

>     Emiri looked at Nagato, who blinked again, then rose to her feet.
>  "Follow," she said.  Oishi did, uncomfortable turning his back on the
> girl at the table.  Nagato Yuki walked a short distance down the hall

Suggest: uncomfortable turning --> uncomfortable with the idea of

>     He pursed his lips together.  "Specifically," he clarified,
> producing his notepad, "what happened with Suzumiya Haruhi in class
> 1-5.  And please, be verbose."

Nagato: (hands Oishi a dictionary and a technical manual)

Oishi: What's this for?

Nagato: You're going to need it.

> Ryouko, representative for class 1-5, attempted to provoke a reaction
> from Suzumiya Haruhi concerning her words from fifth month nineteenth
> day two thousand and ninth year current era.

Or if you want to weaboo it further, it's the twenty-first year of the
Heisei Period.

Nagato: There is no need. Information irrelevant.

>     "Confronted with these words, Suzumiya Haruhi reacted with anger
> and physical violence, striking class representative Asakura Ryouko.
> It was at this point that I interceded, physically removing Suzumiya
> Haruhi from conflict for her own safety.  You arrived after that."
>
>     The detective's gaze turned to the notepad, where he'd written
> only the day's date.  "Is that ... so?" he finally managed.

LOL.

Mikuru: (as Kate from Sketchbook ~Full Color's~) Sou nan des kaar?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gzqGuJY3qc

>     When the door opened, revealing the class 1-5 representative in
> her school uniform, she cocked her head to one side and raised her
> eyebrows.  "What a pleasant surprise!  Maybe this will be more
> interesting?" she asked.  "I'm really disappointed that you didn't
> react more, Suzumiya!  I did this all for you, you know!"

The jig is up. (Sighs) The murder mystery format was nice while it
lasted. Maybe someday, a genuine murder mystery fic will pop out in
the FFML. Someday. In any case, it's now time for some waif-fu care of
some powerful aliens that look like schoolgirls in order to protect
the god of this world, who is also a schoolgirl...

...Huh. Sometimes, I wonder if the Haruhi light novel is nothing more
than a mega crossover fanboy fanfic a la Pokegirls with the names
changed and the plot rewritten so thoroughly that few to no links can
be made between the new story and the myriad of series it was
borrowing concepts from.

Granted, that's a presumptuous oversimplification (that will get me
flamed by die-hard Haruhism fanatics) and the novels are undoubtedly
well-written and well-researched, but there are times when the
concepts of Haruhi appear to be Fanfic Chop Suey. Then again, that may
just be me, that may be the entire point of the novels, and it's not
necessarily a bad thing.

>     Abruptly, his body froze in place, as though he were encased in
> invisible cement.  He could breathe, somehow, but couldn't even move
> his jaw enough to form words, and the breath he could draw was a raspy
> stream at best.  Asakura giggled cutely as she walked past him.
> Before him, Haruhi had frozen too, probably bound the same way he was.
>  She was sprawled on her back, eyes wide in terror, mouth locked open
> with an unvoiced shriek.  Unshed tears shimmered in the light
> reflecting off her face.

Ryoko: SHIN NO IPPOU!

>     "I'm really very disappointed," Asakura said, adding another tiny

As opposed to truly madly deeply disappointed?

> giggle to her statement.  "Maybe it's because I didn't let you see it
> happen?  Or maybe you just need to know it was me that killed him?  He
> cried, you know!  I thought he was going to be more of a man about it,
> but I guess I don't really understand the emotions of organic beings
> that well!"

Kyon: Stupid girl is the source of all my woes. ;_; >_< If she's god,
it explains a lot. God works in mysterious ways... Bah. What in the
world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of Hers
when She robbed old people of the power to control their bowel
movements? Why in the world did She ever create pain?

Ryoko: (tilts head to the side) Maybe I should have started from the
head down instead of the toe up? This organic being just won't keep
quiet! ^_^

Kyon: OAO Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii!

That is soooo Deliverance.

>     Asakura bent over slightly, her cheeks faintly coloring as she
> touched the tip of her blade to the tip of one finger, toying with it
> absently.  "It was really disappointing.  He said, 'If you really want
> to surprise Haruhi, tell her I don't think she's so strange at all'.
> Of course, he was crying the entire time....  What is that supposed to
> mean?  Was it just a product of his fear?  Was it genuine, or just
> words?  I really don't understand!"

I like this scene. In retrospect, Asakura's twisted social module may
have explained her behavior above. If anything, she wants something to
happen, even at the point of getting caught and having Haruhi do what
she does best (molest Mikuru?).

>     She cocked her head to one side again, leaning close and peering
> into Haruhi's eyes, where tears now flowed freely.  "Hmmm....  This is
> still very uninteresting.  I thought you'd do something after all
> this!  But maybe my superiors were wrong?  Maybe you're not that

If Haruhi isn't really god, then this may be the first time in anime
that a red herring became a title character. (Thinks) Or is Akira from
Akira a red herring? (Shrugs) I dunno.

> special at all....  Or maybe you aren't scared enough?  Well, in that
> case, if you can't stop this, then I'll at least get a new state to
> observe!"
>
>     Asakura stood up straight holding the knife loosely in one hand
> again.  "Suzumiya-san," she said cheerfully, "please die!"  And with
> that, she thrust forward, the blade plunging into Haruhi's chest.
> Asakura's smile widened even further, her eyes narrowing into tiny
> lines as she gave a single, sickening twist to the embedded blade.

Creepypasta Ending: "God is dead, and humans have nothing to look forward to."

>        ---------------------------------
>     Author's notes: Itsuki needs more screen-time, I think.  In
> Japanese schools, a vase of white flowers signifies that the student
> has died.  It is considered a severe insult to place them on the desk
> of a living student, akin to telling that student you wish for them to
> die.

Reminds me of the gag on Slam Dunk, where Mitsui placed the picture of
Anzai-sensei on the coach bench as if he'd already died, but was
actually just recovering in the hospital after suffering from a heart
attack or something. It's a bit dark, but I LOLed.

>
> --
> Brian Randall

Summary of Broken Grammar Rules:

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

Chapter 3 is better than Chapter 2 and about as good as Chapter 1
proofing-wise; less typos, two grammar rules broken, and more
nitpicking on my part. I also applaud the lack of comma mistakes; very
good. ;)

As for the story itself: I was wary of Asakura's blatant disregard in
hiding her act (obviously evil and all), but then she went "full
retard" and actually did what no alien, time traveler, or esper in
Haruhi was willing to do; kill God's favorite plaything, then kick Her
ass. You have to respect her for doing that, even if she's
Ophelia-level demented now. I can't wait what happens next chapter, or
what WMD and Epileptic Tree explanation you have if ever both Haruhi
and Kyon simply... die. It's a very interesting, refreshing, and
unpredictable read. I like.

EDIT: LOL, they didn't die, and you went with the obvious route in
dealing with Asakura. Not necessarily a bad thing, since I liked the
way you characterized Ryoko's motivations and Nagato's outburst. But
that's for another C&C. Ciao.

Keep on writing,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
ones telling you they still love you and care."