[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Error in Calculation: Prologue, Chapter Two

[Brian Randall]

Heya!  Thanks once more for taking the time to comment. :)

> Huh. Prologue. And I started with (the real) Chapter 1. Anyway, I
> might as well C&C this before providing feedback to Chapter 2 (fake
> Chapter 1). Oh, and I have not watched or played Higurashi, so I have
> no idea who the other characters are. (shrugs) Any dumbass comments
> from me may root from that fact. Probably.

The two borrowed characters are Oishi and Asakasa.

> For something done out of self-indulgence, it has a promising premise.
> I particularly liked the way Chapter 1 was presented. If anything, we
> don't get enough Murder Mysteries on the FFML (or maybe we do, but
> AFAIK, I see more separate darkfics and crossovers than murder mystery
> darkfic crossovers).

I've never tried writing a murder mystery before ... though in all
honesty, this suffers genre-shift like a boot to the face.  I mean, it
is Haruhi.

>> Yes, I wrote a Haruhi darkfic.  This is me we're talking about. >_>
>
> (blank stare) I don't get it. How is this surprising?

It's not?

>>     Chief investigating officer: Oishi Kuraudo
>>
>>     Report date: 05/19/2009 : 21:30
>
> Sliding timescale? Sliding timescale.

Hmm, I read somewhere (not sure where, now) that Haruhi is supposed to
take place in ... 2010.  I actually ended up going through the anime
and novel and finding which year had Golden Week ending on a Wednesday
(a few, since holidays ending on the weekend are observed).  The date
is ultimately based on Kyon's comment that uniforms are changed in
June, when Haruhi complains that she wants to change, and that's two
weeks ago.

Then I kind of thought I was thinking about it way too hard and just
stuck with the date I came up with.

> Speaking of which, thanks to recent sliding timescale fanfics, I'm now
> imagining Ranma surfing the Internet, calling people on his mobile,
> and seeing Lin-Lin and Ran-Ran using an MP3 Player to do their special
> Dragon Dance technique against him (since a CD player is out of the
> question, a walkman attached to speakers more so, and a mini-disc is
> so Evangelion).

*snrk*

> (blinks) Correction, they could use _their_ cell phones to do the
> musical attacks. Even my example is outdated. (sighs at how time
> flies)

Remember car phones...?

> Where'd you get the format for this? Did you make it up or did you get
> it from Higurashi? The format for the report, I mean.

Made it up, actually.  No idea how reasonable it actually is, but it
seems to work.

> Ah. My initial assessment of Ryoko Asakura successfully murdering Kyon
> to get a rise out of Haruhi appears to be on the dot. This is now less
> mystery, more how the cops are going to go about discovering it's her
> and pinning this on her.

Yeah, not so much the mystery angle. >.>

> Nice prologue. No mistakes whatsoever as far as I can see because of
> how reports are formatted, and it's a great nod to people who have
> actually watched the Haruhi series. It setups the whole deal, and
> anyone who've seen the series can easily glean the subtext surrounding
> the murder. Well done. Okay, (stretches interlocked hands forward)
> let's now dig into the actual chapter.

Well, except for giving away the 'mystery' aspect, anyway. :p

Still, glad that worked.

>> Don't worry; I'm not going to spam all six chapters out in a single
>> day.  That would be uncivilized.
>
> Just one or two every other day? That's fair enough.

Indeed.

> Side note: As per usual and like I noted in chapter 1, I'm a bit iffy
> with pissed-off bishonen Itsuki. Then again, it's explainable as him
> merely realizing that the jig is up and now that Kyon (the balancer of
> the universe in more ways than one) is dead, so anything goes, so
> we'll see.

Even so, I'm already working on a rewrite of the earlier chapters,
since I was never really happy with his characterization (here)
anyway.  His actions should remain the same, just his attitude shifts
slightly.

> Yes, the Battle Butler version of Solid Snake is a pretty trustworthy person.

He's just a taxi-driver who happened to be passing through....

>>     Rain poured down in thick, uncomfortably warm sheets,
>> occasionally punctuated by the rumble of distant lightning.  No one
>> called her back, not even the detective from the day before.
>
> Ooooh right. I almost forgot. Haruhi is miserable, so the world
> suffers in misery with her. That explains the thunderstorm in the last
> chapter.  Nice, subtle touch.

Really?  Glad that worked; I almost forgot to include it after Oishi's
foreshadowing. >_<

>>     Her parents were gone, but at least Yuki was over.  She didn't
>
> Suggest: was over --> was with her / came over

Gotcha.  As per usual, if I don't reply to a suggestion, it's because
I used it. >.>

> In retrospect, it's funny how the officer refused to mention to Haruhi
> that Kyon's dead. Depending on his point of view, he'd either think
> Haruhi's reaction over Kyon without him telling what happened to Kyon
> as a sign of guilt, or her seeming cluelessness as a sign of
> innocence. It's a very interesting development so far, and I can't
> wait what'll happen once she finds out what happened to Kyon.
>
> EDIT: The ways she dodges this moment is getting increasingly
> contrived as time passes by, though.

Well, she doesn't want to admit it, but as Koizumi has said, she's got
an underlying foundation of common sense....

> Haruhi: (narrows her eyes) Are you trying to tell me something?
>
> Nagato: (misunderstands how a facepalm works, nearly suffocates Haruhi
> with her palm) Uwaaaa.

Hehehe.  Well, suffice to say it's not intended as a running gag here.

> Hmmm. If there's news, I'm really wondering why it wasn't revealed why
> Kyon was killed. I mean, in this day and age (and this was set just
> last year), the news would immediately mention who got killed.
> Granted, in the Benoit double murder and suicide case, it took a few
> days before the police uncovered/revealed that it was a double murder
> and suicide case, with news reports merely circulating that Benoit was
> dead and so is his family. Hell, WWE even ran a program celebrating
> Benoit's life before quickly retracting it.
>
> However, at that point, the reasons behind why there were dead people
> in the Benoit residence were the issues that haven't been revealed at
> that case, while on the newscast of this fic, there seems to be a
> cover-up concerning the death of Kyon himself. (thinks) I wonder if
> there really is a cover-up. Otherwise, it's weird that _who_ was
> murdered hasn't been reported yet at that point, or if it was, Haruhi
> hasn't discovered it yet.

It is my understanding (and kind of what I went with in this story),
that in cases specific to juvenile offenders/victims in Japan, they
don't release the identities of those involved with those crimes until
the case is closed.  In fact, even after victim identifications are
disclosed, if the murderer is still alive, they are _never_ identified
by name to the media.  I took a departure from the actual standard,
where Kyon would be 'Boy A', Taniguchi would be 'Boy B' and used the
first English letter of their names to make the story more accessible
for Western audiences.

Here's an example:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seito_Sakakibara

However, unless I've just totally misunderstood (a real possibility),
this is pretty much all the information that the public would have at
the moment.  Then again, Haruhi and Yuki leave in the morning, and as
is commented later, Yuki doesn't have a television for updated news.

That all aside, if it's breaking the fiction or making your disbelief
impossible to suspend, how else should it be handled?

If I'm totally wrong, (thus making my 'student k' convention painfully
contrived >.>), I think I can just have Haruhi not watch television
that morning.  That would probably be more satisfactory.

> Ah, very good. Your research-fu is pretty impressive, Randall-san.
> Before I even mentioned it, you were already aware of this point and
> used it on your fic. It was instead _I_ that chanced upon referencing
> something you've planned to include on your story beforehand.
> Fascinating. Readers appreciate the extra effort of research from
> authors most of the time, especially people who actually know about
> this stuff.

Thanks!  I think I originally discovered this in a conversation with
Mr. Simons a few years ago, and I'd been wondering when I'd get the
chance to put it into a story ... it's kind of wedged in, but relevant
to NPA knowledge, so....

> Apparently, my praise for you is an understatement. Yamaguchi-gumi,
> eh? Had I not Googled it, I would have viewed that as a reference to
> Gokusen's Yankumi. (Ponders) Is she part of the Kobe-based
> Yamaguchi-gumi...? (Reads the trivia on the Gokusen wiki page) Ah. I
> see. Interesting stuff.

This part I only learned recently, when I was double-checking the
above reference.  >.>

> I like this because it makes use of in-character and out-of-character
> knowledge better than the last time. For all they know, they could
> pigeonhole Haruhi as a typical tsundere or "Sassy Girl" person who
> have a tenuous connection to the whole group dynamic, at best, and a
> jealous girl out for murder, at worst. Without knowing any better,
> thinking of her as the god of this world or some such supernatural
> explanation is thinking way, waaaay out of the box.

Excellent.

> Suggest: money-laundering (hyphenate compound descriptors)
>
> Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
> compound descriptors should be separated.

Done.

>>     "First of all, psychological profiling based on the nature of the
>> wounds.  The responsible person seems most likely very methodical.
>
> She's much cuter as a doll-sized midget. Desu.

Achakura: With the power of this umbrella, I am unstoppable!
Cat: *stares wordlessly*

> Daaaayumn, Kyon was p0wn3d by Ryoko as much as Inachulq did when
> Ghenghis Khan was through with him
> (http://www.cracked.com/article_18430_6-historic-acts-revenge-that-put-kill-bill-to-shame_p2.html).
> It's almost as though the Hitokiri Battousai did him in.

That ... is harsh.

Asakura: Hmm, don't mistake yandere for yanguire, as some fanfiction authors do.
Me: ... *moves to Canada*

>> with the single void in the spatter suggesting our attacker is
>> somewhat short for an adult male, or almost precisely average height
>> for a high-school female -- in any event, shorter than Student K.  But
>
> ...Which implicates most of your prime suspects, with the "mere" fact
> that the superhuman way the crime was committed as the only
> unbelievable item in your investigation. Then again, given the lack of
> evidence, things doesn't bode well for Haruhi once the fuzz starts
> going the old-fashioned police investigation route and deems her the
> girl with the most motive to kill Kyon.

Good thing Haruhi has an alibi.  Though, currently she's the only one
who does....

> If Conan Edogawa were conducting the investigation, he'd be looking
> for clues involving tricks and the like and interviewing the suspects
> one by one for motives. Finding none, that's when he'll conclude the
> previously unbelievable and let justice prevail. He'll probably setup
> an elaborate trap that will make Ryoko Asakura/Nagato (prime suspects)
> have no choice but to use her uber-skills and expose herself to the
> police, even. He'll probably need Nagato's help to keep Ryoko from
> murdering them all or stressing out Haruhi, though, if he ever goes
> the "Ryoko route".

I have got to read that manga. >.>

>>     Once the observation subject had transfered to her living
>
> Revise: transfered --> transferred (typo)

Oops. :p

> I don't know her either, but that's only because I'm more
> anime-informed than novel-informed. All I know of her is a namedrop
> reference and continuity via her namesake, a balloon-created dog, on
> Haruhi-chan. Still waiting for Nagato's time in the limelight,
> actually. Come on, Kyo-Ani. Remind the fans why Haruhi became such a
> worldwide phenomenon.

Yeah, seriously, Kyo-Ani. >_<

You saw her in season one ... she was the girl who was supposedly the
computer club president's girlfriend.  She's even in the intro!  For
some reason....  She has sliiiiightly more of a role in the novels;
she's the secretary of the Student Council and the waitress at the SOS
Brigade's favorite cafe.

It is intentional that Nagato says she doesn't go to Kitago here, however.

>>     Smiling, Emiri said, "We're cousins, actually."
>
> (Google-fu) Beats being the girlfriend of the computer club president
> as a cover story.

Your Google is strong. <.<

> Suggest: happened, to --> happened to (adding the comma makes the
> sentence sound clipped, IMO)
>
> Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
> Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Gotcha.

> Could the Organization be doing a cover-up, perhaps? That makes a lot
> of sense, because the death of John Smith here could lead to
> catastrophe as uncontrollable (or even more so) as Kyon revealing that
> he's John Smith. With that in mind, this goes directly against Ryoko's
> plans, so she may have to do something about that as well.

Yarr.  It could easily become problematic.  Not going to say on the
cover-up part yet. >.>

> True story: I actually have that as a ring tone for shits and giggles.
> Authors trolling fandoms is the new black, apparently. Bleach? Zeroth
> Espada. Hajime no Ippo? Lightspeed knuckles. Suzumiya Haruhi no
> Yuutsu? Endless Eight.

*cries*  Anything but that!  Anything but more Endless Eight!

I've seen the 'Kyon-kun, denwa' ringtone on youtube, but, man, that....

So, I'm hoping for an actual second season after the Disappearance movie. -_-

But don't hold Endless Eight against the original author; in the
novels, it is a single instance in text.  The iteration number is
identical to the first iteration of EE2.  EE goes on through an extra
YEAR of timeloops. ;_;

> Wow. That's kind of heartbreakingly nice of her to say. There are
> shades of Haruhi-who-sung-God-Bless niceness right there. Hope no
> major apocalyptic disasters will happen in this fictional world
> because of Haruhi's anxiety.

Kyon: You and me both.

> Ryoko's little experiment is practically akin to a medieval person
> toying with a nuclear bomb, just worse. On the bright side, Haruhi has
> a chance of undoing the murder just like any self-respecting god-like
> being would (Superman movie canon comes to mind), but then again,
> here's hoping she doesn't discover the world she "lords" over is akin
> to the world of Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle, where forceful revival of
> the dead is an affront to nature that will cause reality to collapse.

Asakura: I just wanted to see how she would react....
Kyon: You know, you could have just asked her.  I bet you if anything,
she would think the question was amazing.
Asakura: But then there wouldn't have been any convenient excuse for
you to really believe what Nagato said!
Kyon: ...what.

> Yeah, Ryoko's a bit batshit insane herself. As a rule of thumb, you
> don't fuck around with Suzumiya Haruhi, a Batman with prep-time,
> Silver Age Superman, and Goku without his shirt on.

I will agree.

> Heh. Nagato's affected too.

Yuki: Well within operational tolerances.

> Makes me feel like they're editing Wikipedia. Yeah, I know sandboxes
> are used in other applications such as penetration testing; wiki is
> just the first thing that came to mind. Kudos to the technical details
> that aren't just technobabble. Isn't that right, Mikuru?
>
> Mikuru: It's too incomprehensible to comment on! OwO

Thanks; I put a lot of time into writing the Interface scenes; Yuki's
PoV shifts very slightly when she's linked to Emiri, but it's still
very technical.  Hopefully not too technical. >.>

> Revise: attibutes --> attributes (typo)
>
> Just noting: A lot of the typos you've made in your second chapter can
> be caught by simply opening Microsoft Word and finding all the
> non-Japanese words that are marked incorrect. Or putting it on a text
> box on Firefox and let the plugins correct it for you. Otherwise, just
> proofread the way you did with the first chapter. This chapter is
> slightly less clean than the chapter that precedes (chronologically
> speaking) it.

Yeah, not sure how my spell-checker missed it, actually.  I should
probably just find a better dictionary for it, but that's more highly
technical. <_<

> Oh, yeah. The Kyon and Mikuru in one of her rooms may not exist
> anymore because the Kyon of today has been killed a la Back to the
> Future... I think I've gone cross-eyed.

Right. :x

> Mikuru: Good, boy, Mu-chan! 0w0 (Mikuru got confused and stopped thinking)

I never managed to see the episode explaining where Mu-chan came from. @_@

> It's lame, I know, but:
>
> Canine tooth: Better than Bluetooth
>
> Sorry, couldn't resist.

Bwahaha!  Nice; didn't even think of that. ^_^

> Oh, yeah, they can do that too. It looks like they're in "Wait and
> see" mode now that they can't rely on snarky ol' Kyon to do something
> to affect Haruhi's mood. Or rather, snarky ol' Kyon will be affecting
> Haruhi's mood irreversibly, and the mortals are powerless to stop it.

We never actually are given any explanation for why/how Yuki can take
Haruhi's powers. :/

>>     "Direct control is likely to result in failure, and even if
>> successful, there is a high risk of the integrated data entity being
>> revealed," Nagato Yuki responded on the same modulated vocal
>
> (shrugs) Shouldn't it be "Integrated Data Entity" (capitalized for
> your convenience), or are the resource sites I've been frequenting
> full of crap?

Capitalizations are a convention of our language, not theirs, but....
Hmm.  I would think it shouldn't matter much as long as it's
consistent.  Okay, the novel translations I have use caps.  They also
use 'Integrated Data Sentience Entity', instead of 'Thought'.  It just
feels a bit wordy, so I think I can probably get away with calling it
"Integrated Data Entity".  Will fix.

>> "Vell," a tall, broad-shouldered
>> blond man said, frowning, his accent thickly Russian.
>
> Or Transylvanian (which sounds suspiciously like a Hungarian accent).

Moldavian for the win.

> Also: What's up with all the blond/blonde espers? Was this mostly a
> eugenics program?

There is the possibility that Haruhi only thinks good-looking people
would be espers, I suppose.

Haruhi: Isn't it always that way in anime?  The people who have powers
are always good looking!
Kyon: Um....
Haruhi: Logically, Mikuru would be the most powerful person here.
Kyon: ...oh boy.

But it's just the Russian and the
I-have-no-idea-why-I-went-with-that-accent girl.  And yeah, I know the
accents would in no way translate like that to Japanese. >.>

That being said, it was my guilty pleasure to speak 'The Russian's'
lines aloud when I was writing him.  It was comically bad.  Should
probably revise it, since my spellchecker hates it anyway. <_<;

>>     "But," the Russian man said, thoughtfully, "is possible that you
>> are responsible party, da?  Assuming story is even true."
>
> Your random exclamations of (very sparse) Russian twangs and (barely)
> broken English (that's supposed to be Japanese) is reminiscent of
> Chris Claremont's idea of a Russian accent, tovarich. On the other
> hand, it's either this or nuclear wessels.

Hmm.  Wiki tells me I'm best off taking that as a compliment. <.<

> Itsuki: Please don't drink my blood.
>
> Rusky: I'm not wampire. I don't sparkle in sunlight. I don't speak
> Russian also, only broken Japanese.

http://applegeeks.com/comics/viewcomic.php?issue=552

> Hi, Daphne. So this is where you ended up after Frasier ended. Anime fanfics.

The sad fate of all sitcom actors.  The guy who doesn't speak Japanese
very well is obviously Jerry Seinfeld.

> Suggest: Right now, we're (comma use)
>
> Use commas...
>
> 5. After certain introductory elements,
> (c) After a succession of introductory prepositional phrases.

Right; that character's not supposed to use contractions, either.

> Or a magnificent bastard. Too bad she got owned and chibi-fied by
> Nagato in two separate series.

Achakura: I want a fanfic author to write something nice about me....
Nagato: *holds up a small box*

>>     "So, ve find time traveler, keep boy from being killed?" the
>> Russian asked, raising an eyebrow.
>
> Rusky: I'm actually Jumba from Lilo and Stitch. Hello, leetle gerl.

...I just now realized you're right, and that's actually where I
recall the accent I was trying to write.

$%@#!

> Again: one-another --> one another (not a compound descriptor, so the
> hyphen isn't needed)

D'oh!

> Extra Sensory Perception in Haruhi World doesn't cover telepathy? That
> sucks. I thought it does. Looks like Alien robots who have access to
> different "channels" have these esper warriors beat when it comes to
> private communication.

According to what Koizumi tells Kyon, his only powers are to combat
closed space, and a general awareness of Haruhi's emotional state
(though, this could be fanon; he may have just meant he observes her
enough to try and follow her moods, that being his job and all).

>> the same way we convened.  I can feel closed space forming not far
>> away again, already.  Hopefully we'll have a few-day grace period
>> before the Shinjin start emerging, but I won't bet on that.
>
> Suggest: again, already (get rid of the comma, you don't need it there, IMO)

Actually, don't need either of those last two words, either.

> Suggest: Yuki they're --> Yuki, they're
>
> Also: together, and --> together and

It's been commented to me I use reflexive commas before 'and' when it
isn't always required. >_<  I really need to get better about that.

>>     "Yeah ... we reviewed security camera footage.  Koizumi Itsuki
>> hasn't left the country -- a close look-alike with his identification
>> has."
>
> Ah. That was fast. How'd they know? Did they *snrk* zoom the footage in? :)

Hm.  Didn't think of that.  What do you think we should do, Mikuru?

Mikuru: Handwave it!  It's too hard to think about. o_o

Well, there you have it. <_<;

> Revise: lookalike --> look-alike
>
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Look-alike

Interesting.  Poor Chaplin. O_o

> Huh. And here I thought they got Fuji Syusuke to impersonate him.
>
> http://i479.photobucket.com/albums/rr160/forgiel05/a-10.jpg

Arg!  Wiki, why must you make me read about sports anime!? >_<

> Hmmm. If Ryoko Asakura is idiotic enough to leave a note using her
> handwriting, then perhaps that's the titular "Error in Calculation".

Well, in her defense, the police wouldn't have gotten anything out of
it.  It took the NPA lab to make the determination....

> Ah. Well, you can handwave quite a lot with advanced alien technology.
> A la what lightning / radiation / genetics / nanobots /
> insert-phlebotinum-here used to be.
>
> Alien technology: The New "A Wizard Did It".

Sufficiently Advanced Alien = Wizard?

> Oishi Kuraudo: Well, it looks like... (puts on shades) Suzumiya Haruhi
> finally has something to be melancholic about.
>
> ~YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!~

Buwahahahaha!

> As for the story itself: Got a bit distracted by the accents, the
> (ever-so-slight) Street Fighter stereotyping, and whatnot, but then
> again, it's not that much of a major issue. This chapter has more
> errors than the previous chapter, but it hasn't gotten out hand or
> anything, so it's perfectly fine. I'm rather interested how biblical
> Haruhi's wrath will be once she finds out the truth about Kyon. Frogs?
> Locusts? Dead firstborn? Unstoppable strain of small pox? Airborne
> AIDS? A decade-late Second Impact? Spiral nemesis? Awakened Lavos?
> Time Devourer? Dog and cats living together? Mass hysteria? Or the
> reset button climax of Superman the Movie? Putting it in the proper
> perspective, I kind of get why Asakura did what she did, especially if
> she doesn't give a damn about lives, people, or the fate of the world.

I don't think I'll ever meet that list of expectations. o_o;;

> Granted, she may have doomed the earth/milky way/the
> universe/multiverse, but in terms of an (armchair critic?) outside
> observer who could care less about consequences, of course she'd do
> what she did. Here's hoping it won't end up creating another Crisis on
> Infinite Earths; it's good reading, for sure, but you don't want that
> shit (worlds dying) to happen on your home planet. Oh, and before I
> forget--nice fic. I can't wait to see what you'll do with this idea.

I hope it entertains.  Thanks again for taking the time to comment; I
greatly appreciate it. :)

> Keep on writing,
> Abdiel
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> "When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
> tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
> ones telling you they still love you and care."

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.