[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Error in Calculation: Prologue, Chapter Two

[Chester Castañeda]

Hello. I'm Abdiel, and here's my lengthy EULA of sorts made by
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C&C EULA Summarized: I can be a bit of a dick when reviewing stuff.
Use what you can use, ignore the rest.

[I agree to this License] (Continue Reading)
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Huh. Prologue. And I started with (the real) Chapter 1. Anyway, I
might as well C&C this before providing feedback to Chapter 2 (fake
Chapter 1). Oh, and I have not watched or played Higurashi, so I have
no idea who the other characters are. (shrugs) Any dumbass comments
from me may root from that fact. Probably.

On Thu, Mar 4, 2010 at 8:19 PM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:

> Having some trouble with Courtship, so ... here's a (dark)
> whimsy/indulgefic I wrote for the hell of it.  It's already complete
> (six chapters and an epilogue to follow), but I'd appreciate feedback
> anyway.

For something done out of self-indulgence, it has a promising premise.
I particularly liked the way Chapter 1 was presented. If anything, we
don't get enough Murder Mysteries on the FFML (or maybe we do, but
AFAIK, I see more separate darkfics and crossovers than murder mystery
darkfic crossovers).

> Yes, I wrote a Haruhi darkfic.  This is me we're talking about. >_>

(blank stare) I don't get it. How is this surprising?

>     Chief investigating officer: Oishi Kuraudo
>
>     Report date: 05/19/2009 : 21:30

Sliding timescale? Sliding timescale.

Speaking of which, thanks to recent sliding timescale fanfics, I'm now
imagining Ranma surfing the Internet, calling people on his mobile,
and seeing Lin-Lin and Ran-Ran using an MP3 Player to do their special
Dragon Dance technique against him (since a CD player is out of the
question, a walkman attached to speakers more so, and a mini-disc is
so Evangelion).

(blinks) Correction, they could use _their_ cell phones to do the
musical attacks. Even my example is outdated. (sighs at how time
flies)

>     Contents of report: Summary and index of initial inspection of
> scene, incident #0014-M09-NISHI (suspicious death)
>     Event location: Nishinomiya Kitago, classroom 1-5
>     Investigation status: ONGOING
>     Index: Evidence articles in order of discovery; victim
> identification; discovery witness account; SOCO notes; investigator
> opinion

Where'd you get the format for this? Did you make it up or did you get
it from Higurashi? The format for the report, I mean.

>     -Evidence articles-
>
>     #1 : Combat knife, discovered near victim's corpse.  Blade length
> 24 cm, handle length 15cm.  Single edge front, serrated reverse.
> (Attached photos 8-16, 18, 22)
>
>     #2 : Clothing scraps, discovered in area around victim.
> (Attached photos 1-15)
>
>     #3 : Handwritten note, discovered in victim's clothing.  Reads,
> "After school when everyone has left, come to the 1-5 classroom."
> (Attached photocopy 1)

Ah. My initial assessment of Ryoko Asakura successfully murdering Kyon
to get a rise out of Haruhi appears to be on the dot. This is now less
mystery, more how the cops are going to go about discovering it's her
and pinning this on her.

>     -Discovery witness-
>
>     Name: DO NOT DISCLOSE ('Student T')
>     Year: 1st
>     Witness account: (see investigating officer for transcript)
>     Summary: Student T returned to class 1-5 shortly after 17:40 PM
> to get a notebook he had forgotten, reports shock on discovery of
> Student K's remains.  (Claims not to have interfered with crime scene;
> lack of bloodstains on self/clothing appear consistent.)  Student T
> then called for help from watch-duty teacher and classroom 1-5 advisor
> Okabe Ryugo.  Okabe then maintained watch over the scene as student T
> called police as per policy.

Tsk. That's what happens when you don't have Rei robot's help. Hell,
he'd be stuck in time with Asahina (actually not that a bad fate, but
still...) or see the world end because of a baseball game without this
deus ex machina (or is machina contra deus?) of an artificial human.

>     The brutality of the murder suggests that this was intensely
> personal.  Multiple stab wounds, and numerous slashes.  The
> perpetrator is most likely male and very strong to hold Student K
> prone and also swing the knife.  Otherwise, it is most likely multiple
> perpetrators.  A task force will begin interviewing students tomorrow
> to find out more about the situation.  Currently, we don't have
> specific suspects beyond Student T.

Ah, fictional reality. It's cute to see it being rationalized with
real-world common sense, but that's how it is.

>     -END SUMMARY -
>
> --
> Brian Randall

Nice prologue. No mistakes whatsoever as far as I can see because of
how reports are formatted, and it's a great nod to people who have
actually watched the Haruhi series. It setups the whole deal, and
anyone who've seen the series can easily glean the subtext surrounding
the murder. Well done. Okay, (stretches interlocked hands forward)
let's now dig into the actual chapter.

On Thu, Mar 4, 2010 at 8:22 PM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:

> Don't worry; I'm not going to spam all six chapters out in a single
> day.  That would be uncivilized.

Just one or two every other day? That's fair enough.

>
>     Error in Calculation
>
>     Chapter Two: The Second Day
>
>        A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction.

(Obligatory yet unnecessary weaboo comment)

~~~~~~kitaaaaaaaaaaaaa~~~~~~~

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

>     Itsuki remembered a fair number of his personal closed-space
> experiments well enough.  It was a point of curiosity; he knew the
> exact extent and limits of his abilities ... as far as what their
> intended purposes were.  But small abuses of those abilities could be
> wormed out of clever use anyway.

Itsuki: I can be a haxor too (smiles).

Side note: As per usual and like I noted in chapter 1, I'm a bit iffy
with pissed-off bishonen Itsuki. Then again, it's explainable as him
merely realizing that the jig is up and now that Kyon (the balancer of
the universe in more ways than one) is dead, so anything goes, so
we'll see.

>     "Just one," she answered, once they were a few blocks away from
> the Shinjin, still walking quickly.  "How big is this closed space?"
>
>     "I've never seen one so big," he answered honestly.

...That's what she said?

_Anyway_, it looks like Melancholic Haruhi (or insert your Epileptic
Trees here) is causing the world to nearly end. As usual.

> was going to send you to a safe house.  Arakawa should be waiting
> there."  She produced an envelope from her pocket and hurriedly opened
> it, taking a key out, but handing the rest to him.  "If it's still
> safe, I'll be waiting there with him.  If we can trust anyone, it will
> be him."

Yes, the Battle Butler version of Solid Snake is a pretty trustworthy person.

>     The second day was miserable.
>
>     Rain poured down in thick, uncomfortably warm sheets,
> occasionally punctuated by the rumble of distant lightning.  No one
> called her back, not even the detective from the day before.

Ooooh right. I almost forgot. Haruhi is miserable, so the world
suffers in misery with her. That explains the thunderstorm in the last
chapter.  Nice, subtle touch.

>     Her parents were gone, but at least Yuki was over.  She didn't

Suggest: was over --> was with her / came over

> know how the other girl had known where she lived, but she didn't care
> at the moment.  Waking up in bed next to the other girl at least gave
> her the comfort of knowing she wasn't totally alone, even if Yuki
> didn't have Kyon's home number either.

In retrospect, it's funny how the officer refused to mention to Haruhi
that Kyon's dead. Depending on his point of view, he'd either think
Haruhi's reaction over Kyon without him telling what happened to Kyon
as a sign of guilt, or her seeming cluelessness as a sign of
innocence. It's a very interesting development so far, and I can't
wait what'll happen once she finds out what happened to Kyon.

EDIT: The ways she dodges this moment is getting increasingly
contrived as time passes by, though.

Nagato: He's the _late_ Kyon now.

Haruhi: (nods) He certainly is late.

Nagato: I mean, Kyon is dead.

Haruhi: Yeah, if he doesn't call soon, he's practically dead.

Nagato: No, Kyon is _dead_.

Haruhi: I know, right? He's so sarcastic, he might as well be dead inside.

Nagato: (grabs Haruhi in what she perceives as an impassioned manner)
Kyon is not with the living anymore. He passed away. He kicked the
bucket. He has left the mortal coil. He bit the dust. He cannot wake
up anymore. He has returned to his ancestors. He is permanently
retired. He has ceased all bodily functions. He is worm food. He is
asleep with Jesus. He has achieved Nirvana the easiest way possible.
He is stiffer than William Shatner's acting. That's what she said. He
cashed in all his chips. He bought the farm. He went into the
fertilizing business.

Haruhi: (narrows her eyes) Are you trying to tell me something?

Nagato: (misunderstands how a facepalm works, nearly suffocates Haruhi
with her palm) Uwaaaa.

>     The news that morning revealed what couldn't have remained hidden
> for long.  There had been a brutal crime in their high school ... a
> murder.  As such, not just their school, but the entire district had
> shut down for the day.  The morning announcer somberly reminded

Hmmm. If there's news, I'm really wondering why it wasn't revealed why
Kyon was killed. I mean, in this day and age (and this was set just
last year), the news would immediately mention who got killed.
Granted, in the Benoit double murder and suicide case, it took a few
days before the police uncovered/revealed that it was a double murder
and suicide case, with news reports merely circulating that Benoit was
dead and so is his family. Hell, WWE even ran a program celebrating
Benoit's life before quickly retracting it.

However, at that point, the reasons behind why there were dead people
in the Benoit residence were the issues that haven't been revealed at
that case, while on the newscast of this fic, there seems to be a
cover-up concerning the death of Kyon himself. (thinks) I wonder if
there really is a cover-up. Otherwise, it's weird that _who_ was
murdered hasn't been reported yet at that point, or if it was, Haruhi
hasn't discovered it yet.

>     Oishi drummed his fingers on the windowsill.  "Yakuza....  They
> would have the manpower and knowledge to commit the crime, but I can't
> see them penetrating the school unnoticed.  No, I can't even see them
> considering the school was the place to do it.  Wouldn't they abduct
> Student K off the street in a car?"
>
>     "Still looking back to 1995?"
>
>     "Akasaka-san, do you know how embarrassing that was?"
>
>     "I can only imagine," Akasaka said, grimacing.  "But, please tell me?"
>
>     "Eh ... in 1995, Nishinomiya was hit by an unprecedented disaster
> -- I'm sure you remember the Kobe earthquake.  I had actually
> transfered in from Okinomiya a few weeks before then -- the first day

Revise: transfered --> transferred (typo)

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

> of the disaster, when SDF emergency vehicles still had not arrived, we
> were approached by the yakuza."
>
>     "And...?"
>
>     "They gave us their vehicles, volunteered all of their 'little
> brothers' and 'bigger bothers' for rescue services and manual labor.
> They even had their lieutenants coordinating relief, managing
> distribution of stockpiled goods....  Ah, that was nothing compared to
> what they did in Kobe, where the damage was worst.  There, they even
> gave a helicopter to the rescue efforts."

Ah, very good. Your research-fu is pretty impressive, Randall-san.
Before I even mentioned it, you were already aware of this point and
used it on your fic. It was instead _I_ that chanced upon referencing
something you've planned to include on your story beforehand.
Fascinating. Readers appreciate the extra effort of research from
authors most of the time, especially people who actually know about
this stuff.

>     "Right.  But the Tsuruya family would be subject to the
> Kobe-based Yamaguchi-gumi, unless I'm mistaken?"

Apparently, my praise for you is an understatement. Yamaguchi-gumi,
eh? Had I not Googled it, I would have viewed that as a reference to
Gokusen's Yankumi. (Ponders) Is she part of the Kobe-based
Yamaguchi-gumi...? (Reads the trivia on the Gokusen wiki page) Ah. I
see. Interesting stuff.

>     Both men were quiet, Oishi putting out his cigarette and
> switching on the overhead fan.  "I'm not sure I understand the
> connection between Koizumi and Student K, beyond both of them
> attending the same school and participating in the same club."

I like this because it makes use of in-character and out-of-character
knowledge better than the last time. For all they know, they could
pigeonhole Haruhi as a typical tsundere or "Sassy Girl" person who
have a tenuous connection to the whole group dynamic, at best, and a
jealous girl out for murder, at worst. Without knowing any better,
thinking of her as the god of this world or some such supernatural
explanation is thinking way, waaaay out of the box.

>     "Based on your investigation, we don't see anything, either.
> Even so, that's why we were asked to join you.  The matters involving
> Koizumi Itsuki are centered around a substantial money laundering

Suggest: money-laundering (hyphenate compound descriptors)

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated.
>     "First of all, psychological profiling based on the nature of the
> wounds.  The responsible person seems most likely very methodical.

She's much cuter as a doll-sized midget. Desu.

> Order of injuries is not yet certain, but the stab wounds were all
> debilitating, each piercing a major organ.  The slashes at no point
> joined with other slashes, like simple butchery.  It was much more
> intentionally performed.  'Methodical' may not be much of a
> descriptor, but despite the brutality, we suspect that there was
> almost no emotion in the attack."

Daaaayumn, Kyon was p0wn3d by Ryoko as much as Inachulq did when
Ghenghis Khan was through with him
(http://www.cracked.com/article_18430_6-historic-acts-revenge-that-put-kill-bill-to-shame_p2.html).
It's almost as though the Hitokiri Battousai did him in.

>     "It seems very likely that a single person was involved in the
> use of the knife, as there is a common angle of attack -- that coupled
> with the single void in the spatter suggesting our attacker is
> somewhat short for an adult male, or almost precisely average height
> for a high-school female -- in any event, shorter than Student K.  But

...Which implicates most of your prime suspects, with the "mere" fact
that the superhuman way the crime was committed as the only
unbelievable item in your investigation. Then again, given the lack of
evidence, things doesn't bode well for Haruhi once the fuzz starts
going the old-fashioned police investigation route and deems her the
girl with the most motive to kill Kyon.

> ... these theories also make the assumption that somehow a smaller
> female physically overpowered a larger male, and still had a hand free
> to attack without leaving ligature marks or defensive wounds."
>
>     "That's what I'm getting stuck on.  Alright, let me tell you some
> of my personal suspicions, then...."

If Conan Edogawa were conducting the investigation, he'd be looking
for clues involving tricks and the like and interviewing the suspects
one by one for motives. Finding none, that's when he'll conclude the
previously unbelievable and let justice prevail. He'll probably setup
an elaborate trap that will make Ryoko Asakura/Nagato (prime suspects)
have no choice but to use her uber-skills and expose herself to the
police, even. He'll probably need Nagato's help to keep Ryoko from
murdering them all or stressing out Haruhi, though, if he ever goes
the "Ryoko route".

>     Once the observation subject had transfered to her living

Revise: transfered --> transferred (typo)

>     "I don't know her," the observation subject remarked, frowning.
> "Does she go to our school?"
>
>     "No."

I don't know her either, but that's only because I'm more
anime-informed than novel-informed. All I know of her is a namedrop
reference and continuity via her namesake, a balloon-created dog, on
Haruhi-chan. Still waiting for Nagato's time in the limelight,
actually. Come on, Kyo-Ani. Remind the fans why Haruhi became such a
worldwide phenomenon.

>     "How did you two meet?" Haruhi asked, and through her link with
> Emiri, Yuki's social monitor processed all of the cues it hadn't
> picked up the first time.
>
>     Smiling, Emiri said, "We're cousins, actually."

(Google-fu) Beats being the girlfriend of the computer club president
as a cover story.

>     "Not really," Emiri replied apologetically.  "What _has_
> happened, to upset poor little Yuki-chan?"

Suggest: happened, to --> happened to (adding the comma makes the
sentence sound clipped, IMO)

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
>     "I'm not sure," Haruhi admitted.  "Um ... our school was closed
> today, and yesterday too.  The police closed it, which I thought was
> unusual ... but then a detective came around and asked some questions.

Could the Organization be doing a cover-up, perhaps? That makes a lot
of sense, because the death of John Smith here could lead to
catastrophe as uncontrollable (or even more so) as Kyon revealing that
he's John Smith. With that in mind, this goes directly against Ryoko's
plans, so she may have to do something about that as well.

>     The identifier was indexed in Yuki's memory already, but Emiri
> waited until the voice-mail answered, eavesdropping on the signal.
> "You've reached my phone; you should know my name, but you're probably
> going to call me Kyon anyway.  Leave a message."

Kyon's sister: Kyon-kun, denwa! (ad infinitum)

True story: I actually have that as a ring tone for shits and giggles.
Authors trolling fandoms is the new black, apparently. Bleach? Zeroth
Espada. Hajime no Ippo? Lightspeed knuckles. Suzumiya Haruhi no
Yuutsu? Endless Eight.

>     "H...hey, Kyon, it's me, Haruhi ... again.  S...so, I take back
> what I said earlier, I was just....  It doesn't matter!  Those
> messages don't count.  I wanted to tell you that....  I just....
> W...well, be okay, and call me back, alright?  W...whatever happens,
> you'd better call me back!  If you don't, Nagato and I will never
> forgive you!"  Then came a sound that neither Emiri or Yuki needed to
> check with their social monitors to understand; a wracking sob.
> "P...please be okay...."

Wow. That's kind of heartbreakingly nice of her to say. There are
shades of Haruhi-who-sung-God-Bless niceness right there. Hope no
major apocalyptic disasters will happen in this fictional world
because of Haruhi's anxiety.

>     Emiri analyzed the current situation.  The observation subject's
> behavior was consistent with what was known of mild human emotional
> trauma, which wasn't that different from the emotional trauma of other
> sentient beings.  However, her ultimate behavior had yet to be
> determined, due to the fact that the boy's status was unknown to her.

Ryoko's little experiment is practically akin to a medieval person
toying with a nuclear bomb, just worse. On the bright side, Haruhi has
a chance of undoing the murder just like any self-respecting god-like
being would (Superman movie canon comes to mind), but then again,
here's hoping she doesn't discover the world she "lords" over is akin
to the world of Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle, where forceful revival of
the dead is an affront to nature that will cause reality to collapse.

>     Yuki offered her earlier analysis of the events that might have
> led to the current situation.  Another interface had most likely tried
> to provoke this reaction.  However, no logical explanation for this
> behavior could be found.  Even if it suited the goals of the primary's
> faction, it ran against the consensus.

Yeah, Ryoko's a bit batshit insane herself. As a rule of thumb, you
don't fuck around with Suzumiya Haruhi, a Batman with prep-time,
Silver Age Superman, and Goku without his shirt on.

>     Emiri flagged several emotional markers in a simulated feed of
> the observation subject's emotional state with regards to a specific
> data set, and warned Yuki of concurrent, nearly identical markers in
> her own emotive core.

Heh. Nagato's affected too.

>     Yuki ignored the warning; those processes had been moved into a
> sandbox environment with logged output for later consideration.

Makes me feel like they're editing Wikipedia. Yeah, I know sandboxes
are used in other applications such as penetration testing; wiki is
just the first thing that came to mind. Kudos to the technical details
that aren't just technobabble. Isn't that right, Mikuru?

Mikuru: It's too incomprehensible to comment on! OwO

>     "It's no trouble at all," Emiri said cheerily, modifying the
> attibutes of the tea to transform it into a mild sedative.

Revise: attibutes --> attributes (typo)

Just noting: A lot of the typos you've made in your second chapter can
be caught by simply opening Microsoft Word and finding all the
non-Japanese words that are marked incorrect. Or putting it on a text
box on Firefox and let the plugins correct it for you. Otherwise, just
proofread the way you did with the first chapter. This chapter is
slightly less clean than the chapter that precedes (chronologically
speaking) it.

>     Yuki shook her head, rising to prepare a bed in her room.  Yuki's
> reasoning was that she had spent all of her time in the apartment in
> only the living room.  The physical reality of the second room could
> be replaced with a long-term solution that might overwrite the current
> situation.  Emiri's reasoning was that if Haruhi had asked Yuki to

Oh, yeah. The Kyon and Mikuru in one of her rooms may not exist
anymore because the Kyon of today has been killed a la Back to the
Future... I think I've gone cross-eyed.

Mikuru: Good, boy, Mu-chan! 0w0 (Mikuru got confused and stopped thinking)

>     Once Haruhi was lying down and Yuki shut the light off, the two
> interfaces were alone again.  In perfect unison, each raised a wrist
> to the other's mouth, canine teeth sinking through the organic outer
> flesh and injecting a stream of nanites for later secure transmissions
> via paired particles.  That bandwidth would be narrow and precious,
> but the security of their current environment was unlikely to exist
> after the primary became aware of interference.

It's lame, I know, but:

Canine tooth: Better than Bluetooth

Sorry, couldn't resist.

> However, unless we attempt to directly control the subject, reversing
> time is beyond our ability."

Oh, yeah, they can do that too. It looks like they're in "Wait and
see" mode now that they can't rely on snarky ol' Kyon to do something
to affect Haruhi's mood. Or rather, snarky ol' Kyon will be affecting
Haruhi's mood irreversibly, and the mortals are powerless to stop it.

>     "Direct control is likely to result in failure, and even if
> successful, there is a high risk of the integrated data entity being
> revealed," Nagato Yuki responded on the same modulated vocal

(shrugs) Shouldn't it be "Integrated Data Entity" (capitalized for
your convenience), or are the resource sites I've been frequenting
full of crap?

>     But for once, he had something to work out his anger on.

Huh. As per usual, I'm getting shades of the "Koizumi's pissed because
Kyon is dead" plot point joke. In fairness, I was always curious as to
what an angry Koizumi would be like, or what it would take for him to
snap. Having him methodical seems more natural given his
characterization, though.

>     A perfectly 'average' slice of humanity from all across the
> world, now collected in one place.

Captain Planet?

> "Vell," a tall, broad-shouldered
> blond man said, frowning, his accent thickly Russian.

Or Transylvanian (which sounds suspiciously like a Hungarian accent).

Also: What's up with all the blond/blonde espers? Was this mostly a
eugenics program?

>     A very thin, tall blonde woman in what was an inappropriately
> warm dress for Nishinomiya's climate raised an eyebrow at him.
> "Roight," she said.  "So, wot's yer plan?"

Dammit, Arbyfish! We're having a serious fic story going on here. Shoo!

>     "Assumin' we go along wi' it," the blonde woman grumbled, rolling
> her eyes, "wot's our goal?"

Blonde woman: Yes, tell us our goal, not-our-leader.

>     "We all know that our powers come from one person," Itsuki
> explained.  "Suzumiya Haruhi."
>
>     A unified nod from the other espers.
>
>     "Right now, you can feel her emotional state, the same as I can."
>
>     An uncomfortable series of nods at this.

No wonder Itsuki's acting all bossy without saying that he is; he's
the closest esper to the girl that gave them superpowers, the damn
sycophant. :P

>     "That I don't know.  And I don't know if she's found out for
> certain that he's dead, but it seems a given that she suspects.  If
> the magnitude of what we've faced so far was merely her suspicion, her
> subconscious fear....  When she learns the truth of it, I believe it
> will be much ... much ... worse."

Itsuki: End-of-Evangelion worse, probably. I hope you like orange goo.

>     "But," the Russian man said, thoughtfully, "is possible that you
> are responsible party, da?  Assuming story is even true."

Your random exclamations of (very sparse) Russian twangs and (barely)
broken English (that's supposed to be Japanese) is reminiscent of
Chris Claremont's idea of a Russian accent, tovarich. On the other
hand, it's either this or nuclear wessels.

>     "Think logically," the Russian man said first, frowning.
> "Killing her vould solve many issues."

Itsuki: Please don't drink my blood.

Rusky: I'm not wampire. I don't sparkle in sunlight. I don't speak
Russian also, only broken Japanese.

>     "Suck on a rock an' die, ya git!" the blonde woman snarled,
> glaring at the larger man.  "Wot kind o' damage ya got, thinkin' 'Oh,
> killin' 'er will make everythin' better!'?"

Hi, Daphne. So this is where you ended up after Frasier ended. Anime fanfics.

>     The Russian adopted a disgusted expression.  "Be easy," he said
> in a dour voice.  "I choose vords poorly.  I try to see from eyes of
> those who plan the cruelty."
>
>     "Watch yer mouth anyway!" the woman growled, crossing her arms
> over her chest in a huff.

Blonde woman: I'm Bri-ish.

Oh you.

>     The tanned man looked pointedly at Itsuki, who shook his head.
> No more passively observing, he reminded himself.  "Let's try and all
> be reasonable," he said, holding his hands up in a placating gesture.
> "Right now we're just exchanging words.  I'd like to think we all have

Suggest: Right now, we're (comma use)

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(c) After a succession of introductory prepositional phrases.

>     The Russian man spat, rubbing one hand across the front of his
> face.  "Girl is ticking time bomb.  Whoever kill boy is stone stupid,"
> he assessed.

Or a magnificent bastard. Too bad she got owned and chibi-fied by
Nagato in two separate series.

>     "I may have been briefed in slightly more than you," Itsuki
> confessed.  "Now, currently in this world I know that in addition to
> ourselves, there are time travelers, and ... the Organization calls

Suggest: getting rid of "currently in this world" because it makes
Itsuki's sentence needlessly wordy (unless you have a reason for this
wordiness).

>     "So, ve find time traveler, keep boy from being killed?" the
> Russian asked, raising an eyebrow.

Rusky: I'm actually Jumba from Lilo and Stitch. Hello, leetle gerl.

>     "I will go with you," the tanned man said, first.  "Your goal is
> noble, and your heart pure."

Itsuki: Flattery will get you nowhere.

>     An older, pale skinned man rose from his sitting position on the
> ground, then abruptly spat out a stream of thickly accented English,
> too quickly for Itsuki to follow.

Revise: pale-skinned man (hyphenate compound descriptors)

>     The Caucasian woman blinked, then shook her head and translated
> for the group: "My Japanese isn't quite sharp enough to follow
> everything you said, but I got the gist of it.  Approving the long
> term solution, what do we do in the meantime?  How do we get BACK to

Revise: long term --> long-term (again, compound descriptors)

> our handlers to start trying to milk them for information?  Once we
> have information, how do we relay it to one-another?  Our phones are

Again: one-another --> one another (not a compound descriptor, so the
hyphen isn't needed)

> paid for by the Organization, so they're tracked.  Our mail could
> easily be monitored, and will certainly be too slow."

Extra Sensory Perception in Haruhi World doesn't cover telepathy? That
sucks. I thought it does. Looks like Alien robots who have access to
different "channels" have these esper warriors beat when it comes to
private communication.

> the same way we convened.  I can feel closed space forming not far
> away again, already.  Hopefully we'll have a few-day grace period
> before the Shinjin start emerging, but I won't bet on that.

Suggest: again, already (get rid of the comma, you don't need it there, IMO)

Revise: Hopefully we'll --> Hopefully, we'll

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(e) After an introductory adverbial element.

>     Oishi nodded at Akasaka and broached the uneasy silence first,
> "We don't have enough evidence to act yet.  At this point, we're
> basically grasping at straws, and the case has gotten worse due to the
> number of students associated with the SOS Brigade that we cannot
> reach.  Suzumiya Haruhi's phone is off, but according to Nagato Yuki
> they're together, and she's asleep."

Suggest: Yuki they're --> Yuki, they're

Also: together, and --> together and

>     "Asakura Ryouko?" the NPA representative asked, rubbing his chin.
>
>     "Hasn't moved, still sounds too cheerful to me."

If anything, she had the balls (that she extricated from Kyon) to
actually anger a (theoretical) god, so I give her as much respect as I
do Lex Luthor (because of the sameness of their situation, technically
speaking)

>     "Asahina Mikuru?"
>
>     "Still missing.  Anything on Koizumi Itsuki?"
>
>     "Yeah ... we reviewed security camera footage.  Koizumi Itsuki
> hasn't left the country -- a close look-alike with his identification
> has."

Ah. That was fast. How'd they know? Did they *snrk* zoom the footage in? :)

>     "Me, either," the NPA representative agreed.  "We've identified
> the lookalike, a Daimonji Satoshi from Chiba, Tokyo.  We haven't

Revise: lookalike --> look-alike

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Look-alike

Huh. And here I thought they got Fuji Syusuke to impersonate him.

http://i479.photobucket.com/albums/rr160/forgiel05/a-10.jpg

>     Oishi sighed, drawing a cigarette from his pack and offering one
> to the NPA agent.  Akasaka shook his head, and Oishi shrugged,
> lighting up, his eyes going up to the evening sky, still clouded from
> the sudden storm.  "I'm not liking much about this entire case," he
> commented, putting his lighter away.  "But go ahead."
>
>     "We submitted an ultra-high-definition copy of the note found on
> the victim to handwriting analysis."

Akasaka: We scanned it on the highest setting on our scanner, and then
used the sharpen filter on Photoshop to make it a pixilated mess. But
at least it's "ultra" sharp _and_ high definition, hence the term.

>     "Mm.  Nice resource to have available.  And?"
>
>     "It fits the profile of a typical high school girl.  Right-handed."

Hmmm. If Ryoko Asakura is idiotic enough to leave a note using her
handwriting, then perhaps that's the titular "Error in Calculation".

>     "That's it," the other man answered, shrugging apologetically.
> "It hit every marker for perfect averages dead-on.  Our chief analyst

Ah. Well, you can handwave quite a lot with advanced alien technology.
A la what lightning / radiation / genetics / nanobots /
insert-phlebotinum-here used to be.

Alien technology: The New "A Wizard Did It".

>     "Is that a bit extreme?"
>
>     "Chief's orders.  It's an election year, so...."
>
>     "Right.  Politics."
>
>     The two men shared an uneasy sigh.
>        ---------------------------------
>     Author's notes: Akasaka?!  Why is Hinemezawa invading my fanfic!?
>  Well, it's probably better than that Ranma/CSI crossover I had
> planned.... >.>

Oishi Kuraudo: Well, it looks like... (puts on shades) Suzumiya Haruhi
finally has something to be melancholic about.

~YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!~

Summary of Broke Grammar Rules:

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated.

Among the grammar rules you've broken, the (ahem) zeroth one is the
one you broke the most.

As for the story itself: Got a bit distracted by the accents, the
(ever-so-slight) Street Fighter stereotyping, and whatnot, but then
again, it's not that much of a major issue. This chapter has more
errors than the previous chapter, but it hasn't gotten out hand or
anything, so it's perfectly fine. I'm rather interested how biblical
Haruhi's wrath will be once she finds out the truth about Kyon. Frogs?
Locusts? Dead firstborn? Unstoppable strain of small pox? Airborne
AIDS? A decade-late Second Impact? Spiral nemesis? Awakened Lavos?
Time Devourer? Dog and cats living together? Mass hysteria? Or the
reset button climax of Superman the Movie? Putting it in the proper
perspective, I kind of get why Asakura did what she did, especially if
she doesn't give a damn about lives, people, or the fate of the world.

Granted, she may have doomed the earth/milky way/the
universe/multiverse, but in terms of an (armchair critic?) outside
observer who could care less about consequences, of course she'd do
what she did. Here's hoping it won't end up creating another Crisis on
Infinite Earths; it's good reading, for sure, but you don't want that
shit (worlds dying) to happen on your home planet. Oh, and before I
forget--nice fic. I can't wait to see what you'll do with this idea.

Keep on writing,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
ones telling you they still love you and care."