[FFML] [Exatled]The Broken Circle 1 of 5

[DB Sommer]

miashara at deepfriedpuppies.com wrote:

>“Clockwork Dog
>

% Unusual name, or are they common in this universe?

> knows what I mean,” the one called Hail responded, his  
>tone no longer ruthless. “But that way lies madness.”
>  
>

% Or perhaps it is merely going sane in a mad world.


>“Yes, yes. You're right,” admitted Dog. “I know. But I can't see very  
>much at all now. I can't see how this could have happened, and I can't  
>see what we must do now that it has.”
>
>“That's simple,” I replied quietly. I wasn't very good at speaking  
>quietly,
>

% It's the bullhorn. It always fouls things up.


>“Yes,” I replied immediately, without needing to consider it. “I'll  
>wrap the world in a burial shroud, turn the seas red with blood, and  
>unleash horror that tears screaming across the night sky if I have to.  
>  
>

"I told ya if you let me out of my cage, I'm gonna pile the bodies up to 
the sky." Necro Butcher. Lousy wrestler, but a great line.

>I'm going to find her killer, kill him, and wait a thousand years  
>until he returns in his next incarnation so I can kill him again, and  
>again, and again. I don't care about good or bad or the damn rituals  
>that Bright Leaf claims sent her to peace. The entire Immaculate Dogma  
>be damned. I'm killing that maggot if I have to drown him in my spite.”
>  
>

% For a moment I misread that as 'sprite'. It painted quite the odd 
picture.

>“No, you won't,” Angel flatly contradicted me. “But we will find the  
>person responsible, and we will kill them. But it will end there.”
>  
>

% Unless the person responsible has friends that will want to avenge 
him. Or they sue.

>I stared back at her, but knew I couldn't beat her in a battle of  
>wills. “Fine. So long as we kill them.”
>  
>

% Bah, true torture would be cutting the tendons in the arms and legs, 
blinding them, cutting out their tongue, and puncturing their eardrums. 
Then they get a prison of the flesh they can't get out of until they die 
on their own.

% What? Sometimes I get bored at work, y'know.

>“That was never in question,” she responded. “It was only the methods.”
>
>“Dog, say something,” Hail told him. “Make them see they're being stupid.”
>  
>

% Wanting to kill people isn't by definition stupid. Lots of smart 
people kill as well. In fact they tend to be better at it than the 
stupid ones since they're not stupid about it. :)

>“I can't,” Dog replied. “That is the one thing that stands clear to  
>me. Oh, I spin arguments and show them the way they're going leads to  
>nothing. But as soon as we split, it will come to nothing, for in the  
>mind of him,” and Dog indicated me. “Is a madness. All balance has  
>been thrown clear, and while Fall of Angels is still rational, should  
>I dissuade her from accompanying him, The Ending shall wreak such a  
>horror upon Creation that evil will have entry to the Paths of Heaven.  
>There are two ways to stop him, and Fall of Angels going with him is  
>one. I refuse to even consider the other. Thus Hail, it seems I must  
>climb aboard this departing ship and pray my strength on the tiller  
>prevents it from crashing on the shoals.”
>

% Dog: I've always pictured myself as more of a moped than a ship.


>“Something stupid that he doesn't need to hear.” She crouched down so  
>her face was only a foot from mine. Rain poured off her features and  
>dripped to the ground, ignored. “Listen to me. That man is a better  
>person than we are. He's doing the right thing in his heart while he's  
>half mad with grief, and it's tearing him from the friends who are his  
>family. He's in agony right now, and he's bearing it alone because the  
>people who should be helping him are about to go kill someone. But he  
>won't bend because his heart tells him what's right, and he listens to  
>it before us, which is why we should listen to him. But you won't say  
>anything that confuses or muddles his world, nor will you make his  
>burden any heavier. He's a better person then we are, and you won't  
>make him suffer for it.”
>  
>

% Nice passage

>“Shut up,” he replied. Then he stood in the corner insulting himself.
>
>We set out for Nibeldamt later that evening. There was a lot of  
>quarreling first, 
>

% at first

>but eventually I told them this was my insane  
>mission for revenge so we were doing it my way. Instead of reducing  
>the quarreling, this amplified it, but we still left for Nibeldamt.  
>Across nine miles of mountain road that had  carried
>

% extra space between had and carried

>In the absence of a major smelting center in the mountains of Duun  
>Nibeldamt grew from a not two-shits village to a collection of  
>smelters on the Meander River. Nearly seven thousand people huddled  
>under an umbrella of dirty soot. They had repaired a First Age foundry  
>as best they could. Now metal pumped out the door and ash into the  
>air. It got into the dirt and turned it black. People still came,  
>because there was money in iron that cared little for the varieties of  
>the market. There was always war, and so long as there was war, there  
>would be steel.
>

% Unless it's a war against werewolves, then you need silver


> By a looming black smithy of filthy granite sat a line  
>of townhouses. In one of them lived family of Ash Maiden's who had  
>brought her body back to Highmere. The wife had stayed for the  
>funeral. The father couldn't. We met him at his door, looking like  
>death.
>  
>

% I suddenly had a vision of the William Sadler version from Bill and 
Ted's Bogus Journey

>
>
>
>I ignored him, and Angel probably had never heard at all. Soon we  
>stood before the mammoth building, a functional relic of a past age.  
>Plumes bore the smoke away above it, and a hundred windows glowed with  
>red light. The foundry ran day and night. It had been made in the  
>First Age, when the mad Solars had required metal for their armies.  
>After the great cataclysms that ended that era, men still needed steel  
>of superlative quality, and they ventured into the dark foundry and  
>found ways to get it running again. Now the doorways shone with the  
>light of molten iron, and heat poured from it like a physical force.  
>The night shift was gathering outside, not yet ready to go in, while  
>the day shift hadn't quite left. Smoke was turning our white clothes  
>black while we watched. Soon we couldn't be told from the workers.  A  
>side door let us in to find a bored sweeper, who pointed out Firm  
>Grip's office. We let ourselves in without knocking.
>
>  
>

% nice descriptive imagery, BTW

>
>“What's wrong with his coke burn?” Angel asked, as we trooped down a  
>steep stairwell.
>
>“I have no idea,” Dog admitted.
>

% Heh

> “You  
>take first watch,” Dog concluded, and wrapped himself in his cloak to  
>sleep.
>
>“Why-”
>
>“Because you're going to stay up and obsess anyway,” he replied.
>  
>

% Good point. Isn't it nice when people know you well enough to figure 
out what you will do before you do?

>
>
>Dog and I exchanged a glance. By common agreement, we never asked  
>anyone in the group about their past. Still, Angel could hack her way  
>through the forest with only a knife and sever tree limbs bigger than  
>her waist with that same knife. I couldn't imagine her being waited on  
>by anyone, nor requiring butling.
>  
>

% No one requires butling. It's something you do when you can afford it. 
Now some people do need maids, espeically when they are slobs. :)

>“That's an Exalted. One of the Chosen. He's a bigger badass then all  
>of us combined, and he may have a wife who could probably beat Angel  
>senseless with her dining fork.
>

% Reminds me of the tales of Luna Inverse who once killed a dragon with 
a butter knife.

>
>
>“Love to visit again,” I replied. We came around a corner, and another  
>armed man tried to block our way. As my companion dropped to his knees  
>and slid between the guard's legs, I took four running steps from an  
>end table to the wall to the ceiling and sailed above his head. The  
>guard was perplexed and didn't decide to attempt to kill me until I  
>was past.
>

% wordy. I recommed dropping the 'decide to'


>Inside Firm Grip stared at us, bracing himself for a fight. He was by  
>a small dining table, where a man was eating breakfast, paying out  
>  
>

% our


>entrance no mind. He was either stupid, blissfully oblivious, or  
>frighteningly powerful. The room itself was all stone and metal, with  
>no wood. The table was cast silver, and had a second table setting  
>that was empty. The breakfast-eater dabbed his lips with a silk napkin  
>and looked up at me.
>
>I'm not one for male beauty, but this guy could have had any girl he  
>wanted in anyplace I've ever been. Not just attractive, he looked  
>regal. The man had charisma.
>

% sounds like a watered down Vampire Hunter D'. :)


>“We're vengeance,” Dog replied, and lunged at the Terrestrial. He had  
>no chance of winning, but his sudden attack came with such reckless  
>abandon for his own survival, that it drove Ragara back as my  
>calculated strike had not. The Dynast back pedaled,
>

% backpedaled is one word, I believe

>“And you are?” he asked.
>
>“Cuddly Kitten,” she replied,
>

% 'Deadly' could have worked as well


>
>“That goes for you to,”
>

you, too


> did agree with his plan to attack a Dynast. I told you that  
>wasn't a good idea,” he pointed out.
>
>“You came to,”
>

% came, too

>
>“I don't know if I can,” he admitted quietly.
>
>“There's no choice. I can't do it. Just remember, if you lose, she  
>dies. We do to, 
>

% do, too


>but let's not kid ourselves about what you care about,  
>shall we?”
>
>Dog said nothing else as he rolled Angel onto my back as gently as he  
>could. He stabilized her as I stood, and held her cheek a moment  
>longer then he had too
>
% to


>
>The room was almost full of alcohol vapors. They caught on the first  
>spark, and flash fires raced upwards. The pillars caught instantly,  
>but the fires also found homes in the barrel racks. It was all almost  
>silent save the crackling that earth walls muffled. We huddled by the  
>door, listening for the guards above and greedily gulping fresh air  
>before the fire could get it. We very nearly asphyxiated on hot gas  
>before the creaking in the center got louder, and the roof started  
>buckling.
>  
>

% And man's first instinct when seeing fire is to flee, not examine.

>“Good plan,” I agreed. We hopped a low wall and got away from there  
>with all due haste.
>  
>

% Nice work. it flowed very well and the fight scene was well done. 
Despite my lack of knowledge with Exalted, I could follow this. I'll try 
to get to the other chapters at some point

% Thanks for writing.

>
>
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