[FFML] [Fate/Stay Night, Mai Hime, Sailor Moon] Unlimited Food Porn (HAS NO ACTUAL PORN )

[T M]

>    "Oh, I haven't even actually arrived yet here in the
>past," Suguira-sensei said cheerfully.  "But don't worry, I
>don't understand temporal physics well enough to give
>away the secrets of time travel."

I like Midori's... _unique_ approach to paradox prevention. :)


>We're
>going to start with the Old Ones and their wars with
>Cthulhu's minions for control of the Earth!"

Does that make Kagatsuchi a _Child of an Elder God_? ;)

>Akbar's Pawn Shop had
>sold it to her cheap; it was practically a steal, given how
>pretty it was.

Any relation to "Ackbar's used Airships (not deathtraps)"?

>"She wouldn't be running around with Usagi and
>Naru, having fun if she was a Servant, right?" Taiga-sensei
>said.  "They're totally normal girls.  She's just time-
>travelling from the future as an exchange student.  And a
>Servant wouldn't bother enrolling in school, right?"

This paragraph just makes me chuckle.

>    "There are twelve masters and twelve servants chosen
>by the Grail," Professor Tomoe said.

The previous explanation had six. I presume the difference is due to greater
knowledge on Tomoe's part rather than a typo?

>    "There's a bit of a problem...someone keeps messing
>with the time stream with extremely powerful magic,"
>Professor Tomoe said.  "Several someones, including the
>winner of the last Grail War that didn't happen any more,"
>he said.

And the plot thickens... This will also make eplaining how all three series
mesh trivial. If anything doesn't match a W/i/z/a/r/d/ Wish did it.


>     "So Rider abandoned Naru's father
>to die?"
>
>"I don't know the exact circumstances, but it does
>seem the case," Professor Tomoe said.  "I guess she had her
>own private agenda.  Once he was on his own, I expect one
>of the other masters, probably Emiya Kitsurugi, killed
>him."
>
 >   "Who was she?" Naru demanded.
>
 >   "She had long dark hair, not too tall, modest figure,
>fought with twin pistols," Professor Tomoe said.  "If I had
>to guess, I would say she might well be Annie Oakley, but
>she never revealed her true name.  It's important for a
>Servant to hide her true identity so people won't know her
>history, personality, and weakpoints. Or his."

I love this section. The lie is utterly believable even to the reader and
it's a nice potential conflict to increase the tension. The speculation
about Annie Oakley is a nice flourish.

>I couldn't even save my mother, she
>thought.

So Mai's mother was alive then? I'm fairly sure she was dead in Mai Hime but
I'm not sure what this implies, except perhaps that the events of Mai's
"Grail War" are less similar to Mai Hime than I previously believed.


>    "A crazy lady turned my kitty into a monster and
>killed her!" she wailed.

I actually believed the cat was dead when I read this. Given that the other
crystal bearers were humans it certainly raised the (apparent) stakes.

>"The knife lady's name was a bad word

Given Natsuki, I could see that actually being the case. Really, that whole
exchange is entertaining, which is important since the scene is basically
exposition and a plot point from Sailor Moon, but it works.

>    "Okay," Yukino said and concentrated, resummoning
>her Child, Diana and deploying Diana's spy spores.

Comma after the first Diana.


>Distantly, Saber sneezed.
>
>    Too far away for them to ever notice.

This makes it sound like Saber will never appear, which both depressed me
and turned out to be untrue, much to my delight. If it's a deliberate
fakeout to make us believe Saber would never appear, it worked.


>"Taiga-sensei is running around shouting and trying to
>help," Sakura said.

Heh.


>Shingo looked up at the giant raven.  "Holy shit."
>
  >  "Crap," Akira said to Shingo, then tossed him over
>one shoulder and dropped down to the alley level, running
>at high speed.


I don't think I've ever seen a story where shingo takes a serious role like
this. He and Akira will make a strangely interesting team.

>    "That's probably Saber," Rei said.

I really do enjoy all the speculation about who's who. Parts of this remind
me of "A Night In the Lonesome October." Given that "A Night In the Lonesome
October" is tied with "The Book of Night With Moon" for my favorite book of
all time, that's not a bad thing.

>"There is no such thing as destiny," Shiho said
>gloomily.  "That's just a lie people use to justify stealing
>boyfriends.  We ought to go beat her up."

I never really though of Rei and Shiho having any real similarities, but you
raise a good point.

>"The Kazahana estate has burned to
>the ground, killing Kazahana Mashiro, the reclusive young
>heiress and her entire personal staff.

You don't technically need an Oxford comma after "heiress," but I think it
would help the pacing of the sentence.



>    Sakura now cut a piece of okonomiyaki and tried to
>feed him; he let her and she smiled.

Cute. :)

>Usagi grimaced.  I can fix everything, once I end this
>war, she thought.  I have to.  Please don't let me have had to
>kill Naru's mother.  PLEASE.

Nice. Nothing Usagi remembers is techically untrue, just incomplete.

>    "If I was a better mage, I could probably stop that
>happening with Reinforce," Shirou said, feeling guilty he'd
>never properly mastered the spell.

Shiro is either massively overetimating how much a mage can do or that's the
mother of all guilt complexs. Oddly, either could be in character.

>"He stays late at school
>with her, says he's training her in archery."  Those who
>knew Sakura well could sense she as dubious of this;

as->was

>Plus, I can gain
>large amounts of mana by seducing a college professor in
>this outfit, though I'm not sure how the metaphysics of that
>works."

Nice shoutout to the original Mai Hime.

>    Archer had three Noble Phantasms:  her bow, which
>Rin had named Glorious Dawn, her Child, the giant horse-
>like monstrosity St. Vrus, and her crucifix, which she
>wouldn't let Rin give a name to.  Even when Rin begged.
>
>    Begged a lot.

I really like Rin here. :)

>A huge monstrous house cat, violet in color, crouched at his
>feet, ready to spring.

Comma after huge.

>Akane to send her crashing through a wall with a gust of
>wind generated by Akane sweeping her tonfas.

You probably don't need the second "Akane".

>"Usa..." Akane began but then she heard Harry yelling

Do giant tigers yell? I don't remember Harry talking, but it has been
awhile.


>    GIANT TIGER OUT OF NOWHERE!
I really love this line. It's both humorous and evocative.

>It usually is
>accompanied by a moment of transcendent vision.  In
>Naru's case, it was also accompanied by the intense
>pleasure of orgasm.

Excellent delivery.

>I am First in Prediction of the Future.

I'm not familiar with the mechanics of the Fate/Stay Night game. Is "First"
from F/SN or is that Amber terminology?

> But it
>meant he was destined to make the same mistake again and
>now he has.  Everything is ruled by the stars and they used
>him in the role for which he is most suited."

I normally dislike references to predetermination, but that's exactly what I
would expect Nephrite to say.

>    "You have three days to leave this city.  If you mess
>with any of my friends or cause any other trouble, I will
>make you regret it," Naru said angrily, then softened.
>"Please don't make me regret it, sensei.  Part of me still...I
>really did like you until I found out the truth."
>
>    "Thank you for being forgiving," he said, giving a sigh
>of relief.  He would have bowed if he had the energy to
>move.  "I will leave."


I'm very pleased with this resolution. Most of the time when a situation
like this occurs the author goes for over-the-top vengeance. I was glad to
see a more nuanced reaction.


>    He blinked.  "Maid?  There are seven Classes of
>Servants.  Assassin, Caster, Archer, Berserker, Lancer,
>Saber, and Rider.   Not 'Maid'."

It is later mentioned that the Einzbern created the Chariot class during a
previous war. Given the way the timelines seem to have worked out I think
Zouken should be aware of the details of that war.

>Naru laid spent in her lover's arms, back in her own
>apartment.

Laid should be lay. Lie/Lay is the transitive (what you do). Lay/laid is
intransitive (what you do to objects).



>Unfortunately, it contained the spirit of an evil Queen,
>Queen Beryl, who possessed your mother and began trying
>to resurrect her evil kingdom from inside a Reality Marble
>known as the Dark Kingdom."


I like the possesion angle, and the Reality Marble is a good way to
integrate the two canons.


>"Well, that should weaken her for the battle.
>Tomorrow, we can send an anonymous letter and watch her
>run off to clash with Illyasviel," Shingo said, then yawned.
>"Let's get some sleep."

This would be grammatically clearer if Rei's name was mentioned either after
"send" or in place of the second "her."

>    What are we going to do about Usagi, he thought.
he->she



>I suppose as his Servant, he could command me to
>bathe him...
>
 >   Akira wasn't sure how she ended up covered in paper
>towels.

Bwahahaha! :D

>    "I hadn't even thought about the money," Akira said
>very seriously.

Money? Is Akira supposed to be mishearing mummy? Is she woried about how
much paper towels cost? Is this a leftover from a previous version of this
scene?

>Ami and
>Ryo, who were headed for Rovecharate Magnet School,

It took me a bit to get this one, then I laughed.

>    "Two Masters in an alliance," Saber said.  She and
>Chiba Mamoru, her Master, were perched two roofs down
>the street, watching Usagi and company.

Saber! She and Mamoru make a good team.

>    "I believe you are the one who knows Emiya Shirou,"
>he said.

Does this mean the original F/SN timeline happened as well? Kitsurugi didn't
adopt Shirou until after the fire. Did he introduce Saber to Shirou in the
time between rescuing him from the fire and ending the war? If so, why
doesn't Shirou remember?

>"You're in your twenties and you've never played a
>video game?"

So Saber appears to be the same age as Mamoru, eh?

>"Until I met Motoki.
>I used to be very violent."  A bat started chewing on
>Legolas' head.  "DIE YOU STUPID BAT!"
>
>Aragorn stabbed the bat and it died.

With most characters "DIE YOU STUPID BAT!" would humorously undermine her
claims to be less violent, but I think Saber appreciates the distinction.


>Gandalf is super-
>vulnerable to the Balrog,"

Heh.

>    Is she just his vassal?, Saber asked herself.  But why
>the frown at Motoki's girlfriend returning?  Or is this
>'Reika' not a very nice person?  "Do you have a boyfriend?"
>she asked.

I really liked the way the whole Makoto/Motoki/Reika thing evolved, not to
mention Saber's perspective on it.

>    Mamoru slapped his forehead.  This was going to end
>in fire, he could just tell.

Oh, ouch. Talk about tempting fate.

>"I, Akbar, am offering you my love at this low, low
>price," Akbar spieled at Professor Eudial, who stared at him
>with a mixture of fascination and horror.

*snicker*

>    "Lovely lady Eudial, I think we had best abscond to
>my office and call the police, even if I have no idea what
>this is, it can't be legal," Akbar said to Eudial.

A semicolon after "police" or "is" instead of a comma.

>    She flew higher, out of his reach, and threw fire at
>him, but it didn't hurt him much to her frustration.

Comma either before or after "much."

>    Gesen now announced, "COP-KILLER!  The new
>game from COPCOM!  NEW ROUND!"  He began
>bashing policemen flat, blasting them with lightning and
>ripping their cop cars apart with wires.
>
>    Mai stared in horror.
>
>    Older-Mikoto said, "Also when do you learn to fly
>and...HOLY SHIT."


Ditto. O.O

>Unfortunately, hitting him with everything she had
>didn't seem to do more than annoying him and put some
>ash on his exterior.

annoying->annoy

> "Joe, you are the biggest idiot in the
>universe!" she shouted.  "Now look what you've gone and
>done?"

Replace the question mark with a period or exclamation point.

>Then she rushed forwards, grabbed him, leaped
>upwards and tumbled, slamming him to the ground and
>standing on his prone body.

I'm confused about scale. Gesen was described as a "giant" robot, which
makes me think Gundam-scale, muti-story robots, especially with him crashing
through buildings. Yet Makoto is wrestling with him as if he's about her
height. How tall is Gesen?

>Saber and Mamoru were, in fact, trying but then lost
>them.

Comma after trying.

>    "I'm very sorry," Makoto said, bowing to Motoki.  "I
>didn't mean to make you worry; I guess I just a
>teenagerness attack."

Insert "had" or "got" after "just."

>    Umino was sitting under a tree, watching a Ben 10
>sub; these American cartoons were way better than the crap
>on Japanese TV, he was quite sure.

Heh. I've never acually seen that show, so I'll take Umino's word for it. ;)

>"My name is Juliet.  Juliet Zhang."

I don't know if it matters, but Fumi and Nao are using two different
spellings of Juliet.

>Taiga-sensei, and as Suguira-sensei entered the room, she
>nearly got hit by a burst of intense cold from the hand
>which now coated the wall with forst.

forst->frost.

>  Or violate the statutory rape laws, for that matter.
>
>    Plus, Shirou would almost certainly be incompetent at
>it.

Heh.


>You cannot hope to defeat my sword, Excalibur,
>or my servant, Joan of Arc, and her weapon, the Winds of
>the Holy Spirit."

Nice tactical thinking.

> "I saw it just before I
>passed out and exploded."

A very unique phrase, there. :)

>Well, she could give him one of the wishes, when they
>got the Grail.  One to bring back her family, one to kill all
>those bitches who had looked down on her and one for him.
>That's fair, she thought.

Umino/Nao probably wins my award for "most unlikely couple ever" but I find
I'm enjoying Nao's perspective on them.


>while the old man and Shinji the cyber-
>whatever are busy experimenting on creating things with an
>red gem in a laboratory in the basement."

an red gem->a red gem


>Zouken cursed at the inadequacy of the boy, no matter what is done
>with him.

I think "is" should be "was."

>He had created a wall blocking the madwoman
>with the axe, to his pleasure, the gem proved able to make a
>barrier strong enough to stop even a Servant.

One of those commas needs to be a semicolon

>Lancer strode towards them lazily, her naginata now
>had a violet gem mounted where the blade met the pole.

Semicolon or change "had" to "sporting" or some simliar verb.

>    Professor Tomoe frowned.  "Two masters have fallen,
>four more must fall before the Grail can be summoned.

If Shinji and Zouken both count as masters, what about Mashiro? Shouldn't
she count as fallen?

>    "That's true.  So she linked you?  Haruka has to
>periodically booster me."

"booster" should probably be "bolster" or "boost."

>    The Gate of Time was sealed.  Sailor Pluto floated in
>the void, guarding it still but she could only reach out of it
>in dreams, and even then only to those most attuned to her.

Comma after "still."

>    There was a weird noise and a large blue phone box
>appeared.
>
>    Her eyes widened.  GRANDFATHER?

AWESOME!

>"Aloysius Death Reubeus Pumblechook III, to be
>precise."
>
>    He cringed more.  "People will hear!  I depend on my
>mystique!"
>
>   "PUMBLECHOOK."

Silver Nemesis! I always did like the Seventh Doctor. "Battlefield" wouldn't
mesh well with Saber's history though. Hooray for multiple reality rewrites?

>    "I'm fine. You'd think I'd have a bruise or something
>but Sakura and I both totally are fine,

"are" should be after "I" instead of "totally."

>    Older-Haruka said to Older-Yukino, "You've got to be
>kidding me."
>
 >   "It sounds insane, but it won't hurt to find Mai's old
>number, if I can and I expect I can," Older-Yukino said.
>"Also, he got both Mikotos on the line at the same time."
>
>    "..."

You should do something to indicate that this scene is being relayed through
Diana's mirrors. The way it's written now it looks like they're all in the
same room.

>don't listen to little
>things like the fact that she remembered ALL the Grail
>Wars.

Later, you reveal that defeated servants from previous grail wars are
absorbed by the Grail. I take it Saber's immunity is somehow linked to the
way she returns to her body between wars, rather than the Throne of Souls?


>    "Would a failure have been chosen to return again to
>save his people in their time of greatest need?" Makoto
>asked.  She could remember the Fall of the Moon
>Kingdom.  "Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things
>go badly.  But if you did the right thing, then no one has the
>right to hold it against you.  You can't always win, no
>matter how good you are.  And I think it's better to die
>honorably, doing the right thing, than to live on forever,
>doing the wrong things."

I like this whole discussion. Each of them has a response that says
something about them and their background.


>"She must be a not very good fit Berserker," Rin said.

I think you meant something like "She must not be a very good fit for
Berserker."



>    "I would suggest that we send Caster, insubstantial, to
>look around the school for any sign of any other missing
>students who might be Masters and for any Masters who
>might actually have gone to school, as it does seem likely
>that whoever this is, knows us all from school.

You don't need the comma after "is."

>"How could even think I would eat a
>baby?" she said angrily.

Insert "you" after "How could."


>She'd had hoped, but now Akane...

"She'd" should just be "she" or change "hoped" to "hope."



On Tue, Feb 9, 2010 at 8:39 PM, John Biles <john at biles.us> wrote:

> Glad you liked it.
>
>
> On Mon, Feb 8, 2010 at 11:01 PM, T M <allbait10 at gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > AWESOME FIC OUT OF NOWHERE!
> >
> > (Real comments to come later)
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