[FFML] [Fate/Stay Night, Mai Hime, Sailor Moon] Unlimited Food Porn (HAS NO ACTUAL PORN )

[T M]

This is so long I'm going to send these out as I complete a portion of the
fic, rather than all at once. As a side note, I'm really glad I started
reading "Arthur, King of Time and Space," as it meant I knew who most of the
people were in the Aurthurian era.

    It was just a totally normal day for Tsukino Usagi, a
totally normal high school student.  She'd gotten detention
for being late to class for the twentieth time this month,
during which she'd fallen asleep with the end result being

comma after "during"

>"And Shirou, what are you doing, running around with
>other women?  My mistress won't be pleased.  I'm going to
>have to kill them so you won't be tempted," the woman
>with the naginata said cheerfully.

Ah, crazy-logic, where would we be without you?

>    "Why would he stop her from killing witnesses?" Rin
>asked hesitantly.

>    "Because he is not a sociopath who wants innocents to
>die?" Archer asked.

Heh.

>    "You're hurt and you need to rest," Rin said firmly.
>"And that's all.  We can deal with witnesses later."

Rin is never really as hardcore as she thinks she should be.

>the power to revolutionize the world
~Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku~

>Mai choked on her food for a moment.

You know, I've just finally managed to stop reading Mai as "my" instead of
"may" when reading Avatar: the Last Airbender fics, and now I'm back to "my"
again.

>But a Master can only have one
>Servant at a time, by the rules.

Given how some people support multiple Servants later you might want to make
it clear that this is merely a convention, not an actual Law of Magic.

>    "You really are first in Customer Service," Naru said,
>impressed as Akane

Comma after impressed



Usagi is doing a decent job of being slightly more mature without losing her
characteristic compassion.



>    "Father wouldn't let me learn that because he said
>most mages use it to see people naked and he didn't want
>me to be a pervert," Rin mumbled.

That is so very anime. :)

>    "Don't smile at me like that!" Rin protested.

>    "Yes, master."

>    "STOP SMILING AT ME LIKE THAT!"

Rin is so cute.

>    "There is no one here," Rin shouted, then ran.
>
>    "Oh, okay," he said, then stopped.  "Wait, then who
>are you?"  He clambered up and stuck his head out just in
>time to see a flash of red and black around the corner of the
>house.  "..."
>
>    "I'll put on more vegetables," Mai said cheerfully.
>"For our extra guest."
>
>    "But she said there was no one there," Shirou said.
>
>   Mai laughed and went to work.

>    A minute later, Shirou heard a banging at the door, so
>he answered it.  "Oh, hello, Tohsaka-san," he said.  "Were
>you around by the window?"

>    "Of course not, I told you I wasn't, so I wasn't," she
>said.


This section didn't work as well for me. I think it's because it seems more
like a farce than the character driven comedy from before. More "crack" than
"humor."



>    Rude girl, Rin thought, frowning.  The Mato family
>are a bunch of arrogant bastards who don't deserve their
>pride; I've heard rumors their blood has become so weak
>they can't produce any proper magi any more.


Ooh, irony AND foreshadowing.


>    Then a hand dragged him back into the kitchen like a
>squid tentacle seizing prey.

Nice. :)


>    Rin sipped her tea and nodded approvingly.  Rin
>admired anyone who dedicated themselves to something
>and became good at it.  Mastering two arts (English and
>Kendo) was even more impressive.

Nice spot of charaterization; it rings very true.

>    Now I remember, Usagi thought.  Urgently,
>desperately, she suddenly blurted out, "Akane will be
>staying with us because she's my cousin from the future!"

>    THAT WAS NOT MY PLAN AT ALL, Usagi
>thought, but now she felt a flare of pain in her arm and a
>flash of light erupted over the entire planet from her
>forehead.


o.O;  Ouch.

>She forced herself to slow down, as everyone else ate
>with good manners except for Taiga-sensei, who didn't eat
>so much as inhale food.

Comma after eat

>He wasn't a personal problem for Usagi; in fact,
>her talent for art had flourished with her guidance.

her->his guidance

>    Six if you counted Onizuka-sensei, but since he acted
>ike a kid in an adult's body, Usagi was not sure if he
>counted.

GTO!
I'm liking Naru's habit of falling for older men. I have no idea if it's
canon, but it's amusing.

>As the paints came down, she caught those and
>placed them back in place.

I would suggest "set them back in place."

>    Right now, she could just have a nice relaxing lunch
>with a nice guy she probably wouldn't have to kill at all.

I love Rin's tone here.

>    Akane now noticed a beautiful, mature
Comma after mature.

>"Haha, I'm so impulsive," Usagi babbled in a panic.  If
>only they...no, I'll trigger them!  Everyone will forget the
>moon exists or something!

Frighteningly possible. :)


On Tue, Feb 9, 2010 at 8:39 PM, John Biles <john at biles.us> wrote:

> Glad you liked it.
>
>
> On Mon, Feb 8, 2010 at 11:01 PM, T M <allbait10 at gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > AWESOME FIC OUT OF NOWHERE!
> >
> > (Real comments to come later)
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