[FFML] [Mai Hime, Future] Afraid to Fly, Part 1 (Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics) - Segment A

[T M]

>You can't have it all and having to settle for less, sucks.

Removing the comma helps the flow of the sentence, in my opinion.



>I have times I feel like I'm haunted by his damn ghost. If I believed in
anything spiritual, I'd
>have her exorcised, just to be sure. But I don't. There's no evidence and
too much cruelty in
>this world to think anything benevolent made it.
>
>The world just IS and we have to deal with it as it is, not as we'd like it
to be. We have to
>make our own justice and cure it's problems by our own strength.
>
>Or, in many cases, not cure them.

An admirable stance, and one that illustrates both his character and his
complete ignorance of the true nature of the world.


>Fortunately, he can't tell I'm hiding anything; I'm a pretty good actor.

Ow, ow, the irony! It hurts!


>He pulled me into his lap and kissed me slowly and we embraced and I felt
wonderful. We
>haven't even come close to sex yet, but that's okay. I wouldn't want to
rush into it, and this
>all still so new to me.
>
>Quite the contrast to Kasumi.
>
>I can't figure out what those mushrooms are or what that powder does. It
isn't an acid or a
>base or any compound I can identify.

Has she tried fire?


>"Feel free to show us how to dig," Sakomizu-sensei said, sounding amused.
>
>Suzushiro-san began digging frenetically.

Haruka is feeling especially energetic today. She must be enjoying herself.


>"Shizuru is going to come hit on you and explain everything.

Heh. Looking forward to that


>I darted to one side and struck at Kagami, who turned a little too slow and
got hit in the
>side, then counter-attacked, but I leaped out of the way of the blow. My
blow didn't seem to
>affect her too much, though.

slow->slowly


>She's strong on defense and I'm too fast for her to easily hit.
I suppose that makes sense given their elemental affinities. Speaking of the
elements, have the kids been told about the fortress in Fuuka yet?



>Bobby has kindly volunteered to help pay for a beach trip to Hokkaido this
weekend so we
> can hang out on a relatively cool beach and meet Shinichiro's new
girlfriend and embarrass
> him to death. All Good Kids (Kasumi, Dan, Erica, Natasha) and their
parents are invited to
>come with Bobby and I. Bad Car-Stealing Kids (Shun, Crystal, Kagami) are
out of luck.

I like the Meaningful Capitalization Shiho uses.

>I threw every bathing suit I have on the ground in frustration. (Not that I
have many). "These
>suck. My body sucks. Maybe I should just wear a t-shirt and jeans."
>
>"Into the water?" Mandi asked.
>
>"It's almost impossible to find a bathing suit that fits me and I hate
everything I have," I said,
> frustrated.
>
>"Dan likes your figure. Lots of women would KILL to be as skinny as you,"
Mandi said. "I'm
> sure if you wear the blue and green one-piece, Dan will have wet dreams
about you."
>
>My eyes crossed. "It makes me look so skinny."
>
>"You are skinny," she said patiently. "Have some confidence. Confident
people are sexy
>whether or not they have basketballs on their chest," Mandi said.
>
>Easy for you to say, I thought.


Very...human.


>I expect she didn't want to disappoint us even more than usual.

Ouch.


>I shook my head. "No, that's fine," I told her. I trust Fujino-sama not to
shill for something
>disreputable.

Not disreputable, per se, but definitely underhanded.

>I believe you also had trouble with birth control supplied by Iwasaka
Pharmaceuticals,
>correct?" Fujino-sama said.
>
>I grimaced. "Yes." I reached for some coffee but didn't have any. "I'd have
a better life if
>those idiots hadn't been producing a dysfunctional product."

Once is coincidence...
It looks like Iwasaka Pharmaceuticals was under the control of one of the
cults and engineered that batch of birth control to deliberately produce
hime-possible children.


>I thought she had some sense, but after everything I've given up for her to
have the chance
>she deprived me of, she stabbed me in the back. Some days, I wish I hadn't
let Mother and
>Kazuo's Mother talk us into keeping her. And some days, I hate myself for
thinking such
>things about my own daughter.

I can see where she and Kagami come from.

>But I wanted out of the cramped little world that Mother tried to imprison
me in.
Wow. Irony has gone Super-Saiyajin.


>I hate fighting with her. She gets stubborn, feigns obedience, and won't
listen. I am just
>trying to ensure she can grow up to be a successful woman and not a failure
like me.

And suddenly you just can't resent her that much, no matter how stubborn or
counterproductive she's being. It's clear that her treatmen of Kagami stems
from genuine pain and love.

>I felt flattered. "Good," I told her. "It's nice to meet you. Can you put
Kagami back on?"

Natasha did well. If I didn't know better I'd say she was coached.

>Thankfully, the Hime are dead and gone by now, so I don't have to worry
about them finding
>us and... I don't know what exactly Yugo-kun did, how they...studied...that
Hime. I hope it
>was only study. I can't believe Yugo-kun would...but... He was a good man.

Ohh. Fear, guilt and a nasty surprise coming when she finds out.

>"They cause hallucinations," I said.

I bet finding that out was fun.

>"Someone dug them up and replaced them with violets, duh," Gin said.
"That's obvious."

If it were roses I'd bet on Utena; as it is I'm going to go with Kei.

>"Potemkin village," Hayao corrected him, lecturingly. "Though it's arguable
whether the
>Potemkin villages ever actually existed." He then laughed while the rest of
us wondered
>what was funny.
Hayao gets his Dan on. I almost missed that.

>I'm not sure why other than them being cranky, myself.

I'm beginning to wonder if the Crimson Huntsman is doing something to the
students.

>"Your lack of vocabulary is why I have an A in English and Literature and
you have a C in
>both," Natasha said with a calmness that kind of creeped me out. "I gave
you some
>suggestions, earlier. I guess you don't have as much memory as a goldfish,
though."

Natasha is seriously kicking ass in this conversation. I'm impressed; I
figured she'd have a shorter temper than Crystal.




>"Natasha is a good, friendly girl," Akane said. "You'll be fine."
>
>"She has no sense of limits and little sense of manners," Kazuya said. "But
she isn't mean;
> she just takes the usual teenage sense of invincibility to all-new highs."

Akane is nice, Kazuya is more honest. Akane does prefer to focus on the good
in people.


>Shiho looked surprised, then very pleased. "Thank you."

Another illustration of Shiho's self-esteem issues.


>"Though you fell down on teaching her manners," he said. "Nevertheless, you
did a very
>good job. She could use a little more discipline."
>
>"Her grades are better than Kasumi's," Shiho said.
>
>He winced. "Yes," he mumbled and ate more pie.

And that's the difference between Kazuya and Mari's family, or Crystal vs.
her roommates. He's actually mature enough to let a fight go when there's
nothing to be gained.

>"And a brilliant martial artist like her mother," Shiho said with a
slightly odd tone of voice.

Anticipation crossed with fear, unless I miss my guess. And maybe a little
envy.

>"Most of our best stories can't be lightly shared," Kazuya said to me.
I don't think Bobby has yet realized that The Secret exists. Despite being
older than the Rosewood students he's very much the rookie.

>. She's wilful and disobedient and sometimes very frustrating,
Two ls in 'willful'.

>"I sucked as a mother. She would have been better off if I gave her to
Mai," she said, then
> shuddered. "But I was too stubborn for her good. I'm a lousy mother."

An interesting contrast. Shiho believes she's a lousy mother but that
Natasha is a wondeful daughter. Mari seems to believe that she's a good
mother but that Kagami is a lousy daughter.

>"She does," Shiho said. "I wish I could tell you everything, Bobby. You
need...I just can't."

I can see where Natasha gets her 'terrible at keeping secrets' genes.

>I grimaced. The idea of Bobby evaporating is...I can't stand the idea of
it. I laid in bed with
> him in my long silk pink nightie, stroking his hair as he slept. I like
his hair. But I could see
>him...

I believe one "lies in bed all day," which would mean lay is appropriate
rather than laid.



>We're going up tonight, sleep in Sapporo, go out to the beach tomorrow.
-ing verb mismatch. More -ing or less.

>Roger's Rules of Order:

Yay, Roger! Despite having seen only half of Big O Roger is one of my
favorite characters. He, Dorothy, Natsuki and Shizuru are going to be a lot
of fun.


>"So I don't think he's totally reckless, but it's one of his ways of
showing affection.

I had figured. He probably doesn't want to make the mistakes of his first
marriage again.

>She laughed softly. "Does he suspect anything? I think Roger must have some

>suspicions...I couldn't give him a coherent reason why you're hosting
Kagami. Due to our
>secrets."

She didn't look awkward or incoherent. If the party line didn't cut it it
seems to be because Roger saw right through it from the beginning rather
than that he picked her explanation apart. He certainly seemed to keep any
doubts to himself, though perhaps he's not as good at concealing it as he
thinks?

>"Bobby has no marks, either," I told her. "I don't know what I will tell
him when I get one. If I
> do." I am not sure if I can trust myself with the power again.

Normally, when a person says "I'm not sure I can be trusted with power
again" the reader is supposed to be confident they can handle it due to them
having become some sort of paragon of responsibility out of guilt over their
previous crimes (cf. Shizuru). With Shiho's more volatile personality one
gets the impression that, unlike most cases, she's not necessarly being too
hard on herself when she doubts.

>I don't know if even I'm worth that risk.

This sentence is gramatically correct, but you could change it's meaning
just by moving "even" into one of several other positions, so I'm checking
anyway. Is this supposed to be "even I'm" or "I'm even" or "even sure?"


>He frowned at me, then said, "That's called lying."
>
>"The alternative is often called 'failure',"

Very smooth. I think that hit it's mark.

>They did nothing wrong that anyone who wasn't as picky as myself would
mind. Robert
>Cooper and Shiho were acceptable. Natsuki, as always, was well-mannered.

Clearly Shizuru's influence.


>I smell a trainwreck, but perhaps they will beat the odds. Either way, it
should be interesting
> to watch and that's all I ask.

That's pretty much my approach to stories.

>Which is? But I won't point out she's slipping up even saying there is a
'truth' for them not to
>know. "But you don't like it anyway."

Observant yet discrete. Very Roger.


>Some country or company definitely sent soldiers who invaded and took over
Fuuka AND
> covered it up so there was NO news coverage at the time,"
Missing quotation mark at the start.

>But it would have been wiser not to draw him into this. For that matter, he
likely already
>knows more than he's telling.
>
>The question is how much more.

Shizuru vs. Roger, Fight!

>We all gathered around it, staring. "Damnation, what could drive a baseball
into this so
>hard?"

Wasn't there a pair of students in Road Trip who were sneaking off into the
forest to practice baseball?


>"Of course, I'm sorry. I'm not thinking straight," she said, sounding
embarrassed. "She was
> my roommate for a while. She died saving people from the fire."

Anthy, has to be.

>I showed it to her. It's not a secret. When she took my hand, it suddenly
tingled... and I
>jumped. Her eyes widened and she studied my hand carefully. "You're an only
child, right?"

Sounds like she's in the know, generally speaking. If she knows what that
birthmark really means she's one up on the main cast.

>"Oh yes," she said. "Something cut a passenger ship in half and sank it.
Tokiha Mai and
>Minagi Mikoto showed up at school the next day, in the middle of a ring of
fire, at the end of
>a trail blazed all the way from the water."
>
>...
>
>"What the hell happened?" I asked.


You usually put quotation marks around elipses in situations like that. Is
this a change in style or a typo?


>"Strong. Brave. Hard-working. Very unstoppable," Natasha said proudly.

She usually describes her mother as lazy. Not that she would say that to
Mari, but she
doesn't even hesitate the way she does when censoring the rest of her
speech. I'm not sure
if that was a calculated move on her part or if she just changes attitude
naturally.


>My inner turmoil is broadcasting.

Suggest "was" instead of "is."

>"Well, I am thankfully not a parent," Natasha said. "But I have As in four
classes going into
> my finals, so Mom must have done something right."

Natasha has managed to be quite diplomatic. Perhaps she's developing
discipline. Unlike the rest of her schoolmates who seem to be degrading.

>The two bad kids slinked off, probably to have unprotected sex.

Slinked just looks so wrong. And I thought Kasumi could be judgmental.

>Sanae is my usual salvation; but she was with Dan and I didn't want to get
in their way, so I
>went over to Rokuro's room.

I've noticed you making much greater use of semicolon-cordinate conjuction
combinations in this story. I have no idea if it means anything, but there
it is.

>I think Kagami just instinctively grovels before anyone who shows her even
a little affection.
> Especially adults. Her Mom must be a lot shittier with Kagami than she is
with other
>people.

I pretty much agree with Natasha, though Kagami is working from a slightly
skewed data set.

>"Kasumi. But I think she's totally uninterested in girls," Hotaru said,
sighing.

Color me surprised.

>"Yeah," I said. "Well, we could have a fling to forget our stupid past
crushes."

A different kind of relationship from the others. Should be interesting.

>"I have very good night vision, especially now," she said.
Yeah, I've been suspicious since they found her strolling in the rain, but
that's definitive. The only questions are who and what.


Final Notes:

All the new POVs come off as well rounded. I have a very good understanding
of who Mari
and Kagami are and how they came to be those people and how they relate to
each other.
Kazuo fills his role and is identifiable enough as a person, but he's a
clear second to Mari. If I
 was a publisher editing for pagecount I'd even sugest trimming/condensing
some of the Mari
POV, as I think you establihed her quite solidly and some of it just seemed
to be covering the
same ground. Which is probably how she feels when dealing with Kagami but
that's not
necessarily something you want the readers to feel. Or that may be my
personal preferences
talking, given that, of the children, Kagami is the one I'm least interested
in.

This chapter introduced several new mysteries, though it had less of the
runing around trying
to figure out what other people know that I so enjoy. The POVs for the new
kids work fine.

Shiho's self esteem issues and reslutant self-aggrandizement (and Natasha's
complete failure
to understand same) were illustrated nicely.
Bobby is fleshed out though, as Dorothy says, not really in Roger's league.
I think you've
established his relationship with Shiho quite well; I'll be interested in
seeing how he deals with
 Natasha next.

Miyu really needs to start scanning people for signs of powers.
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