[FFML] [Mai Hime, Future] Afraid to Fly, Part 1 (Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics) - Segment A

[T M]

Hoody Hoo! More Mai-Hime Future!

For some reason the version of Segment A that's on the FFML archive cut off
at "He sighed. "We fell in love in college, got married my sophmore year,
and had a grand time until I had to do graduate school to get my MBA." I
didn't discover that the actual e-mail I had recieved had more until I went
to reply. For that reason, my comments on the rest of Segment A will come in
a later e-mail.

I hate to be an internet-nag, but did you get parts 3-5 of my review for
Unlimited Food Porn? I know you said you were having trouble at the time.


I'd say that the theme of this installment was "everybody has secrets" but
that's been the theme of the whole story, really; instead, I think I'll go
with "parental issues."

>We talked a little and she left me to my work.  I like my job.  It
>took me a while to get to where I am now, but I'm pretty happy with
>it. It's forced me to learn more self-control.
>
>    Shut up.

Heh.

>    I was about to leave for our first big meeting with the kids after
>the big reveal, only to get a phone call.  Mother.  Bloody hell.


Even parents have parent issues.

>    "Is she still dating the manwhore?" she asked.
>
>    "Would you rather she wait and marry her boss?" I asked, feeling
>frustrated, even knowing this would surely send the conversation to
>hell.

Noody picks on my daughter's boyfriend but me?


No one knows the things I know but me, as far as I know (though other
survivors might have been told things to their spouses or parents).

to->by or remove "been".

>    I don't know.  And I dare not stick my head into finding out.  Kazuo
>and Kagami depend on me and if I died without them even knowing
>why...I don't want them to go through what I did.

Wow, heavy.
This looks strangely familiar.

>    The way I did ALL THE TIME.  When I was her age.

Sure you want these to be two sentences?


>    A boy AND a girl.  Even I didn't do that.
>
>   "She could be kissing them right now," Mother said deadpan.

So much for keeping the secret. Dumb luck that her parents were convinced
they were dating even before they actually were.

>    "She's never seeing them again if I can help it," I told her.
>"They're pretty much sluts who sleep with everything in sight,"

I didn't realize Shun had such a reputation. Or is he merely being tarred by
proximity to Crystal?

>but the boy
>looks more like a skinny girl than he does a boy. Not a very pretty
>one, either.

Grandmother has a much higher opinion of his looks. Should I chalk up the
difference to personal bias?

>"I don't know and I don't care.  She's been told to stay away from
>them, and she's got Kaiji-kun

Heh. Reading that makes me think of Evangelion.


>Natasha frowned, Kagami looked guilty; Erica sighed, and Shun
>grimaced.

;->,

>    "It's just, you usually go for the pretty boys," Natasha said,
>suddenly aware she'd just shoved her face in a meat grinder.
>
>   "I think he looks quite distinguished," Akane said, probably in hopes
>of avoiding a general fight.  I know she likes the prettyboys like her
>husband.

Do you intend to standardize prettyboy as one word or two?

> If Takahashi Yugo played any part in whatever they did with me, I don't
>know what it was.  I don't even know what - if anything - they did."

Quotation mark before "If".


He sighed. "We fell in love in college, got married my sophmore year,
and had a grand time until I had to do graduate school to get my MBA.

Here's the cutoff. The review now switches to Segment B.


>Mom and Aunt Shizuru took turns lecturing me on the way there on how
>to be like Kasumi.
An apt summary of "how to behave."

>    Also, her dad is ugly and balding a little.  Well, I guess he
>probably looked okay twenty-five years ago or so.

Typical Natasha

>"It's a pleasure to meet you," Aunt Haruka said, nearly shaking his
>arm off.
Heh.

>This went on
>and on and on in a great torrent which basically buried the rest of us
>in words, though the general gist of it seemed to please Kagami's
>parents.

Typical Haruka.

>    Kagami's parents, Aunt Natsuki, Mom, B...Mr. Cooper, and Aunt Haruka
>all laughed loudly.
Distancing or propriety?

>     "Really?  You seem a little shy and nervous to me," he said.
Hehehe.

>"I get nervous around boys," I mumbled.
>
>    Aunt Natsuki's efforts to hold back laughter made her sink the seven
>instead of the fourteen, so now it was Kagami's father's turn.

I know the feeling.

>Aunt Haruka strode over to us with Aunt Yukino, Aunt Shizuru
>following in their wake.

Missing an "and" in front of "Aunt Shizuru."

>    "Didn't we lose to Pierre and Anton two weeks ago?" Kikukawa-san
>asked as I racked the balls.

I actually had to stop and look up the last names.

>"That was Snooker.  Snooker is not pool, snooker is some sort of
>mutant half-tree baby of pool and a badger,"

Badger is a funny word.


>She was busy having tea with Natasha and Ms. Kikukawa.  "Mind if I
>cut in?" I asked in English.
...
>"She is very smart," Kikukawa-san said proudly.
  Bobby used -san with Kikukawa earlier. Is he changing his internal
narration depending on the language spoken?

>    "You dress pretty snazzy," Natasha said.

She's not completely devoid of diplomacy. And that's a good compliment in
Natasha-land

>    "Wante...," Natasha began, then seemed to realize something and
>nearly strangled on her own tongue.  "That's awful."
>
>    I wonder what she was going to say.

Ditto. That looks like "wanted" but "wanted" shouldn't be starting
sentences. Is she asking about children?

>    "Gentle?  Mom?" Natasha said dubiously.
>
>    "Natasha, you really shouldn't dump on your mother," Kagami said
firmly.
>
>    "Gentle?" Natasha asked again.  "You haven't seen her pissed yet, I
see."

She really is a lot like her mother.

>    "Natasha is being very mean to Bo..Mr. Cooper," Kagami said.
Reverting to more formal address under stress?

Given how much Kagami idolizes her new 'family' I think she'll be very
distressed by any suggestion that anyone in it is less than perfectly
loving.

>     Kagami looked utterly flummoxed, while Natasha punched her arm
>gently.  "Come on, it's your parents kissing.  They didn't make you by
>sending a request to the ministry of health, you know," Natasha said.

Natasha would be less sensetive than most kids about that.

>"That was very clever," Mr. Mitsu said.  "Kagami really does need to
>see an example of mature, adult love, to understand why she needs to
>wait right now on dating.  And why she doesn't have to be afraid
>she'll be alone in the future."

While I can see the 'showing her she won't be alone in the future' angle,
demonstrating 'adult love' seems more like waving a steak in front of a
starving dog.

>    From:  Shiho at Hime.net
>   To:  HIME at Hime.net
>   Subject:  I WIN AGAIN

Very Shiho

>"I have no regrets that I had you," she said to me, still clutching me.
>
>   "Sure you do," I told her.  "But I know you love me anyway."
>
>    For a moment, I thought she was going to cry.  "I have no regrets,"
>she said firmly.  "I don't want you to EVER regret you were born."

Natasha's signature blunt-trauma honesty.

>    "No he won't!," Mom said angrily.  "Gin will leave you before Bobby
leaves me!"
>
>   "HAHAHA," I laughed darkly.  We were starting to get loud again.

This whole thing is very much one of those "they fight because they're too
much alike" things.

>    "I really hate it when the sun goes out and flaming bits of sun fall
>down," I said; I assume this is a joke.
>
>   "It doesn't happen often, does it?" she asked.  Surely she's joking.
>
>    "Only on Tuesdays."
>
>    "Don't mock me," she mumbled.
 Sleepy Natasha is sleepy.

>    "They're not the ones who have to die," Taiki said to Ayumi-sempai,
>starting to hustle her off.

So, does the Crimson Huntsman go in for human sacrifice or is this just
Ayumi's personal mission?

>    I was about to say I needed to go sleep when suddenly, the sprinklers
>kicked on.  Hotaru yelped and we got hosed down.

I am becoming highly suspicious of those sprinklers.

>    "We know what you did to Kuroda-san," Kato-san said.  "Now you're
>going to pay, Ibuki-san."
>
>    "Uh, what?" Hotaru asked, confused.

Likewise. We?


>"Erica, you'd best go to the dorm now," Hotaru said.  "I'll catch up
>with you when we're done."

So, who does Hotaru work for? She doesn't seem angry enough for the Crimson
Huntsman, but 'I want to be a vampire' doesn't strike me as the kind of
'excellence' the Silver Knight looks for either.

>    She glared at me as if I was trying to trick her, but then she curtly
>said, "Thank you."

The latest recruit, or a red herring?

>He was reading a book titled "Epistemic Karantics:  The New
>Science of Self-Actualization".  Sounds like the kind of thing which
>causes Aunt Alyssa to shoot flames from her eyes and rant about Thomas
>Aquinas.

Awesome.

>I paged through the book.  It seemed to be new-agey claptrap about
>how archetypes from another dimension are hampering you from using 90%
>of your brain.

Another dimension, huh?
Under other circumstances, given how often this story shows different
viewpoints on the same events I might be inclined to grant some legitimacy
to position on Shiho's behavior; however, no one who writes a book like that
can be right about anything. some legitimacy

> I sighed.  "Knowing he is in trouble
>when I can't do anything to help, or even know why he is in trouble,
>frustrates me."

This must be a very common feeling.

> Shizuru told me you Mitsu-san was very
>impressed by you."

Remove the first "you".

>    "Okay," she said cheerfully.  "It feels so much better we don't have
>to hide anything from the kids."


Speech can be ungrammatical, but I think there should be a "now" or "when"
after "better."

>Even so, I couldn't help looking back. Misty was suddenly shrouded in
>a black fog.  The fog collapsed in on her, and now she was wearing a
>black bodysuit with a partial black face mask; the outfit included a
>black cape, and she pulled the hood up over her unruly hair.

Bwah? Color me surprised.

>    Suddenly she appeared, wearing a black jacket, gloves, boots, pants,
>shirt, hood, and mask, standing on a tree branch.

Jacket vs cape just two different people getting different views of the same
thing?

Jinnai gets a surprisingly accurate summary. I suspect that makes Misty a
good guy.

> The same thing happened at Primus."  She
>sighed, staring at her coke.

Though not an entirely accurate summary.

>    "We were an experiment," she said very softly and sadly.  "There were
>seven of us.  Our parents' DNA was modified to give us powers like
>those of the Trolls.  We were test tube babies.  And Grandfather was
>only able to save three of us," she said very sadly.

More mysteries. Does Misty look at all like Alyssa?

>    "What happened to the other four?" I asked.

I wonder if they happen to have crab-like birthmarks.

>    "So you two didn't...," Natasha began.
>
>    "Don't even think it," I said to her firmly.
>
>    "Do what?" Jinnai asked.
>
>    Ms. Johnson's eyes widened.  She stared at Natasha in surprise.
>
>    "Nothing," I said.
>
>    "But...," Natasha began.
>
>    "No," Crystal said firmly to her.

Heh.

>They certainly haven't done anything like
>Natasha thinks, but Natasha probably fantasizes about Gin and Hayao
>kissing each other too.

Probably.


>    "I got the first, all thanks to Kurokami-sensei's book!," he said
>defiantly.  "Whereas, you didn't read it and you did lousy."

So either the book teaches people to tap into other dimensions, it's a red
herring, or believing in alternate dimensions let H-boy tap into the power
on his own.

>I lost out to a lot of guys like him in the past, it always drove me
>crazy.

An "and" or a ";" before the "it" I think.

>    "Hey, Alexander, you punk!  Hey you, do you know you're dating a man
>who won't clean his own vomit?" Shiho shouted out the window down at
>them.

Shiho still has that vindictive streak I see.

>    I never used to say fucking all the time before that bastard Hayao
>messed me up.  He ruined me.  If not for Sora...

Bitter, isn't she?

>I turned and saw her.  Harada...Harada something or another.  Erica,
>that's it.  Kiwara-san hates her for some stupid reason.  She tried to
>explain to me one time, but it came out sounding like she thought she
>was Esau and Erica was Jacob.

So Kiwara is obsessed with Chie and resents Erica for having Chie's
attention?

>"Get her!" Izumi-chan shouted, and we rushed forwards.  I can't let
>her get away with hurting my boyfriend!"

Superfluous quotation mark on the end.


 >   Not really, but I learn fast.  One nice thing of being a Hime.

"One nice thing about" or "One nice part of".

>"He is," Taiki said, sounding relieved.  "I think we've finally
>turned the corner."

So, supernatural bribery or just good fortune?

>    I still don't understand why she did that.
>
>    But it reminded me of Hayao's bitter exes and I sighed.

There is a similarity there, isn't there?


>    Damn them.
>
>    "I'm fine," Hayao said.  "You go have fun."
>
>    "Thanks."  Taiki took off with the bitch.  Ayumi-sempai.
>
>    Don't think about how easy...aaargh.

Speaking of people who've developed a foul mouth, Kasumi's seriously pissed.


>He's made mistakes, but our family is all
>about making mistakes and learning to forgive each other.  I know that
>now.
>
>    I just hope I won't do anything that needs forgiveness on that scale.

A fair point.

>    "I'm the lucky one," I told her.  I thought about her just zooming in
>to sweep me away from the Tokugawa kid, whoever that was.  She moves
>so fast.  I bet she'd be incredible in bed.
>
>    Don't rush things, I told myself.

Heh. Reminds me a bit of Gin.

>    She brought our hands down to her lips and kissed several of my
>fingers at once; I felt a thrill go through me and my birthmark
>tingled intensely.

I'm still not sure if those are triggered internally or externally.

>she would just smile and say, "We'd better
>go to bed," or if roses would just erupt up through the floor and
>attack us.

Heh.


    I frowned.  They'd recruited Shinichiro even when he did know, though
everyone thought he wasn't under any evil sway.

    Yet.
Given how Akio/Silver Knight operates, I suspect he'll offer them something
they want. Without that knowledge of Akio, I'd be worried that summoning
something into your body that controls it and follows your commands risks
that thing following someone else's orders

>I should buy Kagami some more nice clothing if she'd going to be
>moving in these circles, but we really can't afford anything that
>wouldn't just come off as cheap to someone at that level.  That made
>me feel guilty; a mother ought to be able to help her daughter with
>such things.


I'm getting a good sense of Mari as a person and how Kagami ends up thinking
what she does. Both mother/daughter pairs have their similarities and
differences illustrated well.

>Unless...surely, she doesn't have a crush on Kasumi's
>mother.

Hah!

>    She carried it as if it was as light as a feather.  I wondered how
>strong she is.

They're not nearly as good at hiding as they think they are, are they?

>    Munakata-san studied my neck for some reason.  Why?

Looking for hickeys or hime marks? If this was Hotaru I'd know what to
think.

>Of course, it's also possible that in our case, someone quietly sold
>us out and handed over data in a not-traceable way.

I recommend using "non" instead of "not" unless he's being deliberately
awkward.



>    "I...YES," I said.  "Yes, I am."
>...
>    "You can't drive until you're twenty in Japan," Mom shouted from>
across the condo.

Heh. That's Natasha.

>    "You and me both.  I'm hoping Sato-san can get us some clues what is
>behind this," I told him.

clues-> "clue" or "clues to"


>    "Well, I can't stay too long or Shiho and Natasha will starve to
>death," I told him.  "So I can't wait too long.  My apologies."


Double use of "too long." Not actually incorrect, but it does catch the eye.


>    Then I closed my door and summoned my Element and did a kata with it.
> Slowly, step-by-step, I worked my way through it, then I did it nine
>more times.

She can do naginata drills in her room?

>"Really?" Suki said.  "You'd expect rich people to have servants."
>
>    "She likes to cook for her family because it's a way to show her love
>for them," I said, my voice wobbling just a touch.

Not pointing out they aren't rich?

>    I sighed and worked on my food, and she just stared angrily at me.
>Normally I would deny this, but I'm pretty frustrated.
>
>    Suki tried to say something but it didn't quite work.
>
>    "Well, you wouldn't have gotten in trouble if you had more sense than
>to steal your folks' car," Naoko said hesitantly.

Is this change in subject meant to be so abrupt?

>    We got stopped before we got in," I said.

Quotation mark before "We."

>"I am surprised someone so wealthy can sew
>this well."
>
>    "Kasumi's a good seamstress too," I said softly.

Again, lying by omission. Is she trying to defend their reputation or is
this part of the scam to get her to stay with Shiho?

>My Aunts and Uncles say Mother was good
>at avoiding saying anything before she got in trouble, so she couldn't
>be caught lying.

No wonder Mari's mother laughs at her.

>    "You have to be on your best behavior.  Natasha is a very
>well-behaved, shy and gentle girl and you will..."

Heh. That still hasn't stopped being funny.

>If she knew Mai cooked that meal and had Akane deliver it to me,
>she'd blow her top.

Given how much Shiho hates accepting help from Mai I'm surprised she didn't
blow her top.

>Jinnai went off with Misty afterwards; I wonder if they have a thing
>going.  I like her, but she's too young for someone my age or
>Jinnai's.  Not in the 'squick' level of too young, but he could be her
>father.
>
>    On the other hand, the Suguiras are like that, but...

Heh. A surprisingly intriguing idea, but we know better. At least from
Jinnai's side. Misty may have a crush we don't know about...

>But, on the other hand, that
>could be a bluff."

Excess quotation mark.

>    I had to wonder how he got this.  But if it's accurate and Sato does
>vouch for him...

The way it's set up now it looks like Sato vouching for him is part of the
"if" statement, rather than a comment on the likelihood of accuracy. I
suggest a comma after "accurate" or the use of parentheses.

>"There are ways to arm ordinary people.  I
>could get you a gun with special ammo, but you'd have to be very
>careful, given the gun laws in this country."

I wonder who their supplier is? I did wonder how Haruka's company was making
money developing those weapons.

>"And Primus made you and your sisters."  I suddenly wondered if
>Akane's DNA got used in this.  She and Misty do have the same hair
>color...

I guess they don't look like Alyssa. Unless she dyes her hair...

> If Mitsu Kagami actually IS Akane's daughter genetically...no
>wonder she would dote on her like that.

A plausible guess, given what he knows.

>    We went outside and took a look.  I counted them off.  "Four, then
>there is the one that is down and right from the far left one but I
>think that's the top of the sword."

Well, damn. And Gin can see it too, so it seems to be anyone with a
connection, not just one side;'s champions.

>    How could he tell?  "I was not," I told him.

She sounds just like her daughter.

>    He frowned.  "How weird.  But not illegal.  Hopefully not casing
>houses for robbery.

My money is on kidnapping.

I've noticed that you've stopped using the irregular form of verbs like
'leap' and 'kneel' and I confess I'm finding it very distracting. Anytime
one of the "ed" versions shows up it jolts me out of the story.
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