[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Error in Calculation: Chapter Six and Epilogue

[Chester Castañeda]

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Well now, it's nice to see another finished fic in the FFML. It's been
on a roll in regards to finished long fics in the past few years, and
now we have another one. I'm also glade it's a mini-series, because
it's easier to track down what's going on and what's has already
happened than the usual epics that appear in the mailing lists. But
I'm just blabbering... On to the fic!

On Fri, Mar 26, 2010 at 2:47 AM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:

>     Error in Calculation
>
>     Chapter Six: The Last Sunrise
>
>        A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction.
>
>        Disclaimer: The novel 'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu'/'The Melancholy of
> Suzumiya Haruhi' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa.  No disrespect is
> intended by the posting of this fanfiction, as I do not own the
> characters or settings involved.  I'm merely dabbling with another set
> of paints.  ;)

...Going back on the fan fiction theory I mentioned in one of my
earlier C&Cs, if Suzumiya Haruhi doesn't spell "Deconstruction" of the
"Self-Insert" and "Mary Sue" god-mode concepts, I don't know what
does.

>     Note: The soundtrack for the final scene is Fixed Mind (as sung
> by Shiratori Yuri; this is Kimidori Emiri's image song).

Interesting side note. (YouTubes that particular song)

Nice, haunting, and slightly computerized; let's hear it for Yuri Shiratori! ^_^

>        ---------------------------------
>     Akasaka was allowed into the control vehicle, which was a very

Who allowed Akasaka into the control vehicle? I suggest switching to
active voice unless it's particularly inconvenient for your scene.

Grammar Rule #20: The passive voice is to be ignored.

>     "We have heat signatures from the compound."  Akasaka leaned in
> to study the screen, it appeared to be a feed from the helicopter

Suggest: screen, it --> screen; it (instead of a prepositional phrase
directly connected to the first part of the sentence, it seemed that
you switched to an altogether separate sentence altogether; ergo, the
semicolon)

> overhead, examining a central garden in the estate, some mound covered
> with a tarp in the sand garden.  The somewhat shaky image zoomed in on
> something sticking out from the edge of the tarp, resolution picking
> up until a hand could be recognized.

...What did I just say about zooming footage in? ^_^;

Nitpick: Making a side note that they used a lens zoom to make the
zoom-in and focus more believable. If it were Nagato and the TFEI's
doing the magical zooming, it wouldn't strain my incredulity as much
(because in fiction, alien tech = magic), but if it were Akasaka and
company? Yeah, use a zoom lens like the rest of us normal people. It's
a minor point, so if you'd rather not indulge me, sure. Just wanted to
mention this nonetheless.

>     The tactical officer saluted sharply, then turned back to his
> terminal, activating his radio briefly to bark out a few code worded
> commands.

Suggest: code worded --> code-worded (compound descriptors must be
hyphenated; it's a compound descriptor that describes "commands", I
believe)

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated.

>     "Hmm," Oishi murmured, frowning.  "Well.  Why not just have those
> ... people take care of it?" he asked, covering his mouth to draw from
> his cigarette as he spoke.

Akasaka: Sure, it makes sense to let them take care of things, but I'm
not window dressing. I want to participate in this investigation as
well. I'm duty-bound to do so.

>     Following the detective's example, the NPA agent wiped rain from
> his face, asking, "You know how to?"
>
>     Taking one final drag, the detective suggested, "Try calling
> Nagato-san's apartment.  Emiri should be there, right?"

Hmmm. Since when was the detective on a first-name basis with Kimidori Emiri?

Suggest: Emiri --> Kimidori-san (after all, he just called Yuki
"Nagato-san" in the same sentence)

>     Her eyes, Haruhi's eyes at the moment, but Nagato's gaze out of
> them, turned back to Itsuki.

Suggest: Her eyes, Haruhi's eyes at the moment, but Nagato's gaze out
of them, turned back to Itsuki. --> Her eyes -- Haruhi's eyes at the
moment, but Nagato's gaze out of them -- turned back to Itsuki.

>     "What in the hells..." the blonde murmured, looking at Nagato
> questioningly.  "What are you?"

Hmm. Did you mean "hells" as in "hell is (hell's)" or "hells" as in
seven hells (the usual Buddhist saying)?

>     "Irrelevant," Nagato answered, blinking flatly.  "Time is
> critical."  She slowly paced into the Tsuruya estate, walking through
> a two dimensional image of a man holding something in his hands.

Suggest: two dimensional --> two-dimensional (compound descriptor thing)

>     "I agree," Itsuki said, frowning.  He glanced at the other two
> espers, adding, "We'll pool our strength and send Nagato-san and
> Arakawa san across.  Then I'll go, and try and send everyone back."

Revise: Arakawa san --> Arakawa-san (missing hyphen for the honorific)

>     Arakawa reached into his coat and pulled out his knife, a long,
> straight double-edged blade.  "I should go first," he began, before

Revise: knife, a long --> knife; a long (since you went into another
tangent once you described the knife in more detail)

>     Back in the SAT van, feeling like an invader despite his
> authority over the forces involved, Akasaka tried to stay out of the
> way of the technicians and officers manning their terminals.  In the
> meantime, he kept one finger nervously poised over the 'send' button
> on the cell phone in his pocket.

Akasaka: Must... find... signal...

...Main screen turn on?

Akasaka: That meme is so old, it was a waiter at the Last Supper.

>     Nagato recorded her observations of traversing the dimensional
> fault.  The phenomenon had only been directly experienced four times
> by any interface, so far, and her automatic archival functions still

Suggest: interface, so far, and --> interface so far, and

> classified it as newly created data, compared to the Integrated Data
> Entity.  It was worth noting that the interval of transfer was much
> faster with all three of the espers working together, merely one tenth
> of a second.

Suggest: together, merely --> together; merely / together: merely

> outfits turned towards her.  She analyzed their weapons and altered
> the attributes of the propellant to render it non-combustible.

Revise: non-combustible --> noncombustible (dictionary-verifiable
word, no need for the hyphen)

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

> towards the nearest man with his knife at the ready.  Her library
> referenced his posture and stance as a martial arts maneuver, and

Knife-style Gatotsu? Black-Mage-style Stabbity Stab? Ripper Fu?

> without bringing the blade to bear, he violently shoved the first man
> across the room to slam into the wall.

Huh. It's Using-His-Weapon-as-a-Distraction-Fu, apparently. It uses
the latest nonfatal techniques such as throwing guns at people,
pelting them with bullets, making spitballs, and then breaking their
bones while they're distracted.

> sensors for approaching hostiles before turning to Tsuruya.  The girl
> was staring at her in surprise, wriggling where she'd been left on the
> floor, and her wrists and ankles were bound.

Awkward phrasing, suggest: and her wrists and ankles were bound -->
her wrists and ankles bound

>     After a few cycles running the logistics, she also altered
> Tsuruya's physical state to restore damage caused by days of being
> bound.  Tsuruya scrambled to Asahina Mikuru's side, as Nagato Yuki

Revise: side, as --> side as (comma not needed)

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

>     "No time," Koizumi Itsuki snapped, dashing to Asahina Mikuru's
> side, and lifting her in his arms.  He focused, and the girl completed
> the dimensional traversal quickly.

Suggest: side, and --> side and

>     "No time!" he repeated, pushing the other girl through her own
> traversal.  Arakawa was sent through next, and Nagato Yuki invoked a
> personal shield around herself and Koizumi to ensure he would not be
> harmed during the final traversal.  After they had returned to the
> other side of the dimensional fault, she sent the termination code for
> the function.

Suggest: final traversal --> final escape (pet peeve; you've used
traversal twice now, so I suggest using some other word to avoid
redundancy)

With that said, now _this_ is a Big Damn Heroes moment.

...I just noticed that Mikuru doesn't have that much of a presence in
this fic. Huh. She's like Kodachi in most of the Ranma fics I've read
(Relentless, Dynasty, your very own Descent, and Hearts of Ice).

>     Arakawa nodded, surveying the group.  "You did very well for your
> first fight," he said, placing a comforting hand on Itsuki's shoulder.

Itsuki: Fighting inhuman giants is one thing; fighting people just
like you is another thing altogether.

>     "The head of your family was recently approached by a group
> called the 'Organization', and offered a place within their

Suggest: 'Organization', and --> 'Organization' and

...Otherwise known as the Agency via dub and other sources, apparently.

>     "Well, where are we, anyway?" Tsuruya mused, looking around,
> before peering at Nagato thoughtfully, eyes widening.  "Didn't I see
> you in a bunny-girl outfit with Mikuru-chan?  Haha!  Nice!  Bunny-girl
> heroine!"

(thinks) Didn't Gainax already make one of those? I think they did;
via Daicon Film, I believe, and then the Bunny Girl thing appeared
again in Otaku no Video in the form of Misty May. Huh. Fascinating.
I'm surprised Gainax hasn't gotten its hands on Haruhi. Heh. If fandom
thinks that the people at KyoAni are trolls...

>     "Negative," Nagato replied, blinking.  "I am assuming the
> physical image of Suzumiya Haruhi."
>
>     "So, you're some kind of magical girl, then?"

(thinks) Yeah. Somewhat. I think one of the newer anime covered alien
and robot magical girls.

>     Nagato blinked several times, then said, "I have been called
> 'magical computer girl Nagato Yuki' by Suzumiya Haruhi."

Haruhi: Shouldn't that be "Magical Computer Girl Nagato Yuki"?

>     "Noooooo," Tsuruya said slowly, shaking her head, a strange gleam
> in her eyes.  "She's not going out of my sight!  I'm sticking with
> her, and if you try anything funny, you're going to get a
> Tsuruya-kick, nyoro!"

Er, Tsuruya actually says that for reals?

Tsuruya: Nyo~ron.

>     Tsuruya wasn't sure what was going on, and she still hadn't found
> much cause to smile or laugh.  She was searching, and the events she'd
> been through in the last few minutes were certainly _better_, but
> there was no guarantee she wasn't just imagining things.

Tsuruya: Everybody is Jesus in Purgatory! Nyo~ron. <:3

>     "So ... can you explain any of this to me, magical girl?" she
> finally asked.  She was relatively sure that it was Suzumiya Haruhi
> ... but maybe Nagato Yuki was her magical girl identity?

Heh.

>     Puffing her cheeks out and realizing it made her look like a
> petulant child, she joined Nagato in staring at the eerie gray sky,
> until another one of those streaking crimson orbs lit up in the
> distance.  Very quickly it zoomed towards them, stopping suddenly in

Revise: Very quickly, it

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(d) After an introductory adverb clause.

>     "Eh ... no, it's....  Um.  Hmm."  She tapped her chin
> thoughtfully.  "Magical girls, okay.  Time travelers, okay.  But both
> at the same time?  Seems kinda farfetched, doesn't it?"

Nonsense. Having both at the same time is awesome.

Sailor Pluto: ...Hmmm?

>     "Nevermind that," Koizumi said, turning to Emiri.  "Neural interfaces?"

Revise: Nevermind --> Never mind (nevermind isn't actually a word, at
least formally speaking)

>     "Yes.  She has a complex artificial neural network mapped to most
> regions of her organic brain, attached to various internal devices."
>
>     "You mean, like ... cybernetic implants?"
>
>     "Yes," Emiri agreed.
>
>     "That explains a lot," Koizumi mused.  "Actually, I had
> suspicions about that."

Classified information et al.

>     "Just you try it!" Tsuruya challenged, bristling.  She didn't
> know how this was going to work out, and the last time she'd tried to
> fight for Mikuru it hadn't ended well, but that was no reason to give
> up!

Suggest: out, and the last time she'd tried to fight for Mikuru it
hadn't ended well, but --> out -- and the last time she'd tried to
fight for Mikuru, it hadn't ended well -- but

>     "Yeah?" Tsuruya asked, suspicious.  "W...well ... okay, then....
> But I'm telling you!  If you try anything sneaky it's a Tsuruya-kick,
> nyoro!"

Hand her some smoked cheese to distract her, nyoro.

>     "Understood," Nagato replied, before taking Mikuru's wrist in her
> hand, raising it to her mouth, and biting it.
>
>     "Why don't you use fingernails for that?" Koizumi mused aloud,
> rubbing at his right wrist absently.  "Wouldn't that be more
> convenient?"

Nagato: Negative. That's too Jojo's Bizarre Adventure.

Koizumi: What.

>     "The organic mechanisms for teeth with the ability to inject
> fluid substances already occur naturally in this world more commonly,"

(wince) Yeah. Too many '-ly' adverbs, so it sounds redundant and wrong.

Suggest: already occur naturally in this world more commonly --. occur
in this world more commonly / naturally and more commonly occur in
this world / et cetera

>     "Am I back in the terminus?" Mikuru asked groggily.  "My neural
> safeguards aren't registering...."

Uh oh; Mikuru's "classified information" censorship chip is off.

>     "You're awake!" Tsuruya cried gleefully, throwing herself at her
> friend and wrapping her in a hug.
>
>     "Korben!" Mikuru tried to yell, struggling weakly in her grasp,
> though her voice was muffled in Tsuruya's shoulder.  "Get her off....
> Wait....  What the hell!?"
>
>     Tsuruya released Mikuru and stared at her in consternation.
> "Y...you don't remember me?"  And when had Mikuru used language like
> that?

O_O

Um. Yeah. I guess the real Mikuru without implants (heh) is the Mikuru
found in those Churuya shorts, huh? Then again, knowing the genuine
biker personality of Mikuru's voice actress...

Mikuru: Yeah, well, the moe-blob doesn't actually exist in nature. Fancy that.

Huh. I agree. And apparently, moe-blobs require partial lobotomy to
work. (thinks) It makes too much sense to not be true!

>     "So, she wouldn't have happened to have substantial conditioning
> in her neural ... stuff, would she?" Koizumi asked, giving Tsuruya an
> annoyingly smug smirk before he sipped his tea again.

Why is Koizumi smirking at Tsuruya? I think I may have missed
something or snipped a dialogue there... O_o

>     "You still remember me?"  That was all that mattered to Tsuruya;
> Mikuru was awake, and ... mostly okay!  That was something to smile
> about, finally.

Heh... Mostly okay.

Mikuru: Hey, what's up, motherfucker? ^.^

Tsuruya: Nyo~ron. ):3

>     "The door is soundproofed," she answered him.  "She will not hear
> us.  We will be notified if she awakens."

...Unless she wills the soundproofing to be gone in a fit of
godliness, but I digress.

>     "Right," Koizumi said, nodding, seeming to find his mental track
> again.  "This world is going to be destroyed.  We have to go back in
> time and prevent Asakura Ryouko from killing Kyon."

(plays the orchestral soundtrack of Back to the Future)

>     "B...but, no, that can't be right," Mikuru said, shaking her head
> more quickly.  "I mean, I don't want him to die either!  But that
> would create a paradox!  You'd most likely just shatter this
> time-plane!"

Sailor Pluto: STOP FUCKING WITH TIME, DAMMIT!

Kyon: Aw, that's cute. You think you still matter. Get a planet.

Sailor Pluto: I see what you did there.

>     Tsuruya released Mikuru long enough to look at her face, but the
> other girl looked surprised, thoughtful.  "That may be true," she
> allowed.  "I'm just not used to being here without almost all of my
> non-essential memories locked off.  But what about the possibility of

Revise: non-essential --> nonessential (the hyphen in "non-essential"
is nonessential)

>     "Ouchie!" Tsuruya exclaimed, only realizing after the fact that
> it didn't hurt.  Her entire body started to tingle, and she felt the
> room around her grow dim as a silver nimbus began radiating from her
> skin.  "Oooh!  I'm a magical girl now, too, Mikuru!  We'll get to
> fight for love and justice together, nyoro!" she cheered.

Your version of Tsuruya seems to be an amalgamation of canon Tsuruya
and Churuya, IMO.

>     Hands shaking slightly, Itsuki spent a moment longer staring at
> the place where reality had ... cracked open around the two girls they
> had spent so long trying to find.  Mostly around Asahina, really, but
> he was vaguely surprised that Tsuruya had been able to go with her.

Tsuruya: Plot Jutsu nyo~ron! <:3

>     "At least they made it out," he said aloud.  "Though, I can't
> help but think that if her superiors still existed, presumably in the
> future, then the world must not end," Koizumi mused.  "So, how does
> that work?"

Oh yeah. In Endless Eight, Asahina couldn't contact her superiors for
some reason... Well, actually, for a variety of reasons that will
cause headache after grueling headache, but that's beside the point.

>     "It is working," Nagato answered, after a moment, while both her

Suggest: answered, after --> answered after (Shatner-esque pause once again)

>     "The particles that Tsuruya-san trailed will allow us to track
> their trajectory through time, as well as making the mechanism that is
> used for time travel possible."

These aliens are so technologically advanced and overpowered they
could serve as the gods of this universe if Haruhi the Theoretical
Goddess weren't around.

>     "The shielding that Nagato installed should ensure that she
> arrives at the end timepoint intact," Emiri added.  "To the best of
> our abilities, at least.  There is a non-zero possibility that when

Revise: non-zero --> nonzero (hyphen muyo)

> this reality is merged with our ideal repaired reality, Tsuruya-san
> will also exist in a secondary divergent iteration from the present at
> the end timepoint."

...Thus the birth of Churuya-chan?

>     "My faction is best represented with the word 'Compromise'.
> Nagato-san's would be 'Thinking', and Asakura Ryouko's would be
> 'Innovative'."

"Innovative" indeed.

>     "One of us can go back," Emiri said, shaking her head.  "Our
> united factions have that much power.  It will be Nagato-san, as she
> has already acquired the necessary permissions from Suzumiya Haruhi.
> Asahina-san's method of time travel is crude and unrefined; we have
> developed a superior form that will not require physical mechanisms,
> but also is less well suited towards transmitting physical matter."

If this plot point were to continue, then Nagato's faction could very
well be gods because they've attained time traveling powers superior
to those found in even Asahina's faction. Damn.

>     The entire SAT operation, from Akasaka's signal, had taken less
> than three minutes.  Despite that, after taking all twelve terrorists

IMO, you don't need the comma after "operation" and "signal". Awkward pause.

>     "Right, and then we can label espers 'faction B'," Akasaka said
> thoughtfully.  "Kimidori-san took the charge from a stun-gun without
> batting an eyelash.  So, we can guess that Asahina Mikuru wouldn't
> belong to faction A, or else she would have been much harder to stop."

Revise: stun-gun --> stun gun

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stun_gun

>     Oishi looked up thoughtfully, then gazed towards the cloudy skies
> beyond the awning.  "Probably," he allowed.  "I think Nagato-san said
> that it was impossible without her.  In any case, if we haven't been
> deceived or just snapped due to pressure, I have to say ... Student K
> may be the most important person on the planet, living or dead."

Truer words have not been spoken in terms of the Haruhi Universe.

>     The two were silent for a long time, as the pounding rain
> suddenly lessened to a drizzle, then tapered into a sprinkling mist.

Suggest: removing the commas above, you don't need them.

>     To generate power for the leap, Nagato disengaged herself from
> her organic body at the same time as Kimidori, folding the other
> interface's waveform into her internal storage, then triggering a
> function to consume all of the security and safeguards they had set up
> in the apartment.

Nagato: (is now in "Giant Naked Rei with Wings" form)

>     Above and around her, Moderates and Innovators had banded
> together with Volatiles; her own Thinkers and Emiri's Compromisers had

Wait, wait... there's a fourth faction called Volatiles? O_o So what
would've they done to Kyon, hypnotize him and then have him torture
and assault Haruhi doujinshi-style?

> been reinforced by the Stables, but the data-war was waging on every
> non-physical plane of reality; the screams of the dying echoed across

Revise: non-physical --> nonphysical

> the data-medium.  Countless other factions had split off to form their
> own temporary unities, only the Ultimates and Reapers standing alone.

The Ultimates are weird. They promote incest between brother and sister twins.

Nagato: What.

>     The last vestiges of Emiri and Nagato's factions manifested in
> the dataspace around Nagato's microscopic temporal/physical reality
> breach, using their own dying data structures to assemble the
> thought-mechanism that would propel her back in time.  Even as they
> moved to act, other factions emerged, desperate to try and observe --
> or stop, or possess -- but interfere, regardless.

This metaphorical battle between data factions is very reminiscent of
the ending battle between (spoiler) and (spoiler) in Twoflower's
Slayers Demiurge. Kudos in that regards, the battle reads very well,
and it's probably tough translating such concepts into the visual
medium. The written medium, on the other hand, is perfect for this
kind of battle.

>     The Ultimates reacted then, as the alien force lashed, seemingly

Suggest: then, as --> then as (because it creates an unwieldy pause)

> blindly, totally chaotically, overwriting the Stables with random
> tendrils of misinformation; a sea of bad sectors flowed from the rent

That's madly deeply truly adverbially adverbial.

...Tendrils of misinformation? So what, they're streaming Fox News on
those tendrils? Also, I hate having a sea of bad sectors. It forced me
to replace my hard disk.

> crystalline regularity that had once been one of the longest surviving
> factions of the Integrated Data Entity.

Hey, that rhymed.

> involved with her faction, or Emiri's, but it had happened, and now it
> meant meant the end of their efforts.  No small band of factions could

Revise: delete repeated word ("meant")

Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat
repeat any words.
>     But as she watched, the Ultimates merely surrounded the united
> factions and their data structures, not moving to observe, aid, or
> interfere.  For the first time in Nagato Yuki's existence, their
> faction spoke, first with an echo of the foreign data that tore away
> its outermost data layers, then, eschewing direct memetic
> transmission, with four, succinct words, shocking in their confinement
> to mere language:
>
>     MACROSPACIAL
>          QUANTUM
>               COSMIC
>                    EXISTENCE

TECHNOBABBLE
          AND
            BUZZWORDS
                    ARE
                      FUN

....

LEEROY
   JENKINS!

>     Then a perfect copy of the waveform extracted from Asakura
> Ryouko's;

Asakura Ryouko's...?

Grammar Rule #41: In writing, it's important to remember that dangling
sentences.
>     Then it was done; the data-structures were aligned and she was
> compressed into a stream of information on a secure carrier wave,
> shunted back into physical reality and guided through a window less
> than the width of an atom.  Behind her, she was aware of even the
> Ultimates being destroyed by that alien existence.

At this point, I have little to no idea what's going on. I think
Nagato turned into data or something, then traveled along as stuff...
happened. Oh well.

> -discontinuity-

<insert joke about true fans and Endless Eight>

> picosecond was all she needed to annihilate her organic body again;
> not to create a temporal breach, this time.  Back within the

Like Rei, Nagato's organic bodies can be discarded like clothing.

> dataspace, she corrected her primary function, then observed, briefly,
> that the consensus had been restored to its state of the moments
> before the primary protection target's termination.

State of the...? State of the "moments before"?

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
>     Queueing a request for a new physical body, she appended a

Revise: Queueing --> Queuing (spelling error)

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
>     Itsuki rubbed his forehead and stumbled to his feet, walking to
> Emiri's side and kneeling next to her to check her for a pulse.  Did

Itsuki must have read the earlier paragraphs of the narrative. Or
maybe it was just me? (Rubs forehead after reading the seemingly
endless streams of deus ex machina technobabble)

>     Haruhi's tired eyes fixed on Emiri before turning to Itsuki with
> frank disapproval.  "Koizumi, be a gentleman and cover your girlfriend
> up while she's sleeping, huh?"

Heh.

Suggest: sleeping, huh? --> sleeping, okay?

>     Working his jaw for a long moment, while Haruhi trudged to the

Suggest: moment, while --> moment while

>     Nodding, Itsuki looked at Emiri's still, peaceful form, and took
> one of her cool hands in his.  He wouldn't remember anything,
> probably, if it worked, and absolutely not if it didn't.  "See you on
> the other side," he said sadly.

Itsuki: An alternate version of me in "Disappearance" was in love with
you. I'm not sure if I myself am in love with you as well.

Haruhi: ...Really?

Itsuki: (getting Japanesey) I LAAAAAAARVE YUUU!

This Episode of Narm was brought to you by Daisuke Ono.

>     The voice of the Ultimates, broadcast simultaneously to every
> non-physical aspect of Integrated Data Entity.  Nagato waited, able to

Revise: non-physical --> nonphysical

>     Her optimized combat packages were delivered via the uplink to
> the Integrated Data Entity and she flew into the room, reorienting
> herself to land before her primary protection target, destroying
> several of Asakura Ryouko's automated attack functions in the process
> of entry.
>
>     "That hurts, damn it!"

Achakura: ;_; Itai! Chikusho!

>     Her emotive core calmed; he was intact.  She had at least
> thirty-eight microseconds to spare before he was harmed.  Superficial
> damage had been taken in her hand, used to block Asakura Ryouko's
> knife; easily dismissed.

Ah, here we go. She actually made in time.

Animation Director: Let's reuse the animation we used to do this scene
originally.

Animators: Won't the fans just claim we're lazy?

Animation Director: (harrumphs) The couple of times we actually redid
animation for the same scenes, they complained. Who cares what those
fans think; they're unpleasable! Reuse the scene!

Fandom: (facepalms)

>     "Hmm," Emiri mused, as Nagato stepped forward and unlocked the

Suggest: mused, as  --> mused as

> door to her apartment.  "After you left the consensus to perform your
> new duties, the Ultimates had another message for you.  But, you know
> how they feel; they didn't want to tell you personally while you were
> still in a physical form."

Suggest: in a physical --> in physical (I'm playing this by the ear,
but this sounds better than with the article, IMO)

>     "Well, that's probably fine ... but there is a concern among the
> consensus that your stability may be compromised by the events you
> have endured."

Wait till she gets to... ah, you know what I'm talking about.
888888888888888888...

>     "I am fine.  Errors are unlikely to occur before an interval of
> at least six hundred years."

Uh-oh. 8| How many years did Endless Eight last?

Nagato: (kills Haruhi after the four millionth iteration of that
Groundhog Day plot)

> previously halted evolution has been advanced.  Asakura Ryouko has
> been removed from the Innovators and reassigned to the Volatiles.  Her
> actions are deemed acceptable, because you, and I suppose myself, have
> undone the damage while retaining new data."

Oh, great; Ophelia is still alive. :X

> through subordinates to avoid any chance of memetic alteration by
> direct exposure to physical reality.  Even so, her connection with her

Yeah, memetic alterations. U-huh.

Sanosuke (American dub; very popular in Nico Nico Douga): FOOOTIEEEE
NO KIIIWHAMMY! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

This Episode of Narm was brought to you by Lex Lang.

> shared.  As you know I'm not fond of conflict, but if the worst
> happens I'll look after him for you."

Revise: know I'm --> know, I'm

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(b) After an introductory participial phrase.

> who had returned to being a voice in the consensus.  If Nagato were
> more definitively determined to be a rogue element....  But then,

It's rather weird that the person who actually tried to fix the mess
Ryoko made is being considered as a rogue element when Ryoko herself
has become one with another faction or something. That's rather...
unfair, isn't it?

> Suzumiya Haruhi's emotional state was unlikely to deviate as fiercely
> if something were to happen to Nagato.
>
>     Turning to look at the same window, still intact in this
> existence, Nagato allowed, "Thank you."
>        ---------------------------------
>     Author's notes:  I actually finished the epilogue before I came
> back, significantly changed Tsuruya and Mikuru's scenes, and added
> three more scenes to better explore what Yuki actually did.  Yes, she
> destroyed her own body in a singularity to generate power and use the
> time-dilation of the micro-black-hole's event horizon to process
> faster.  TWICE.
>
>     On occasion, my pro-Yuki bias has been mistaken for a moon by
> escaping rebel starships.  What of it?

As long as it makes for an interesting story, it doesn't really matter
who is your favorite character. Hell, people to this day still believe
Ruri Hoshino to be the main character of Martian Successor Nadesico,
and their bias hasn't affected the Nadesico fandom much. (ahem) All
right; now that _that's_ done, it's time to tackle the next chapter.
For scene break purposes, here's the old, circa-2006 disclaimer I used
to use. ^_^

Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to
misquote facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read,
so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on the next,
depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the
authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning
experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my corrections? I'll thank
you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have
the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use
and ignore the rest. ^_^

It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so
any unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but
just general ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas
Michael Edwards). As such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the
patience to clear up some of my questions on those particular
instances. Thanks.

Now on with the regularly scheduled C&C. And, without further adieu,
my current victim is... ^_^

On Fri, Mar 26, 2010 at 2:48 AM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:

> This could probably be a standalone fic!

Hmm. Sounds interesting.

>
>     Error in Calculation
>
>     Epilogue
>
>        A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction.
>
>        ---------------------------------
>     I will tell you a story that I keep hidden from the rest of the
> story I tell.

You kept a story hidden from the story you told? I hope the story you
told won't take it against the story you hid!

>     I will refer to a few incidents, which you should remember by
> now.  Firstly, my discussion with Nagato after she had created that
> alternate reality, during the winter.  After that, the snow mountain
> incident, which I know now was due to the 'macrospacial quantum'...
> whatever.  That thing.

I know what you're saying, man.

>     Then there was that time when I realized how jealous I was when a
> middle-school acquaintance tried to confess to her.  And that time she

Suggest: And that time she --> And that time, she

>     And this is about Nagato, not Haruhi.  Nagato, who I sometimes
> thought of as an ally, sometimes thought of as a goddess I wanted to
> seal up in a shrine and worship, and sometimes, but not nearly enough,
> someone I thought I could protect.

...Seal up in a shrine and worship? Man, if this is cannon, then anime
viewers are missing out in terms of the shipteases the novel
apparently has.

>     So not long after Asahina-san's kidnapping, before the end of the
> school year, I had decided that I was going to ask Nagato out.  Mind

Revise: kidnapping, before --> kidnapping before (if you don't mind;
if you do, never mind)

Also: Wow. So John Smith has his Pocahontas already, huh?

> you, I had no illusions about what the experience was going to be like
> -- probably awkward, with her staring at me coolly, and me making a
> fool out of myself.  _Someone_ would also inevitably let it get back
> to Haruhi, and then I would end up paying the price.

Kyon: Sorry, can't date. World would end if I did.

On that note, thank Megami-sama that Akane never turned out to have
Haruhi-like superpowers. ^_^; Wrath of God plus ficAkane equals the
End of Times every day. Every. Single. Day. The Akane of Zen's Bitter
End could bring about angst comparable to School Days, Barefoot Gen,
or Bokurano, even.

>     Perhaps I am needlessly digressing ... but then, you know this
> isn't the first time.

Heh. Kyon, you're one of the most unlikable likable characters out there.

>     I had asked Nagato to meet me at the cafe that the Brigade
> frequently stopped at.  She had agreed in her quiet, unresisting way,
> and after meeting up we took a table near the back together.

Suggest: up we --> up, we

>     I frown, as a somewhat familiar looking waitress comes to our

Suggest: frown, as --> frown as

> table and sets my own coffee before me.  At a table behind me a larger
> man in a black shirt with a red tie laughs quietly about some joke

Revise: At a table behind me --> At a table behind me, (missing comma)

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(b) After an introductory participial phrase.

> with his friend, in a white shirt.  Maybe I enjoy the mostly

Suggest: friend, in --> friend in

>     "Kura-chan," the man in the white shirt says, chuckling, "you
> never really have told me what possessed you to transfer all the way
> here from Okinomiya."

Hmmm. (a Google later) Ah. More Higurashi references.

> voice.  No reason to allow myself to be overheard.  "Just like that
> cave cricket incident.  I get the feeling that somehow, you've done
> much more than I might ever really know for me."

Heh. That she has.

>     "What I'm trying to say," I stumble, awkwardly, feeling my face
> heat up, "is that ... I don't want to be the one who relies on you for
> everything and gives you almost nothing in return.  I don't know
> _how_, but I'd like to ... do something for you.  I may not understand
> everything ... okay, honestly, I may not understand much at _all_,

Save for highly advanced things you need a degree for.

>     "It was an error in calculation," she replies.  "The incident

There you go. Title drop.

>     "A...anyone would go crazy after that long," I tell her, thinking
> of the time loop last August.  I didn't have memories of the other
> instances, but it was maddening just being _aware_ that they existed.
> It must have been hell for her.  And of course, being somewhat
> spineless, like a weak male lead in a dramatic anime with multiple
> love interests,

You're a perceptive one, Mister Kyon (Tanigawa?).

> I didn't even call her or visit when she took a day
> off to recuperate.

Instead, you played cards with Mister "I LAAARVE YUUU" himself.

>     "But it would be ... inadvisable to act on these feelings.
> Suzumiya Haruhi's reaction would be ... difficult."  Then she blinks,
> and for a moment, her eyes are shining, moist.  "At one time, I
> attempted to make a world where ... my desires would be realized.  You
> rejected that world."

Ouch. Kyon, you jerk.

>     I shift in my seat uncomfortably.  "I rejected that world," I
> agree quietly.  "But that's because the people in that world weren't
> the people I knew and came to care about.  Most importantly ... I
> rejected that world because even if she looked like you, and had the
> most soul-melting smile I'd ever seen ... that Nagato was not the
> Nagato that I've come to know.  Eh ... at the risk of being too
> forward ... she wasn't _my_ Nagato."

That sounds WAFFY enough to work as an AU proposal fanfic between
Nagato and Kyon someday. Kudos.

>     She blinks rapidly several times, eyes still moist.
>
>     "What I'm trying to say is, if nothing else, I'd like us to be
> better friends.

The jerk is making things worse. Great proposal, and then follow it up
with a "Let's just be friends" speech. Tsk.

Nagato: Circumstances dictate that this must be so.

> palm up.  "If I'm a part of the problem you're experiencing, I'd like
> to try and also help prevent it from being a problem in the future.
> And, well, sometimes that may mean calling me out on acting
> indifferent ... even if--  Ah, well, who am I kidding.  Even _though_
> you're right, and it's the kind of thing that we can't let Haruhi
> see."

Now it sounds like a speech for forbidden lovers. I like the many
levels of meaning that this speech is touching.

>     An instant stretches into an uncomfortably long pause, before she
> cautiously reaches her own hand across the table, setting it atop mine
> as though afraid that we would explode, like matter and anti-matter.

Revise: anti-matter --> antimatter

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antimatter

>     "I do rely on you," she says, not looking up.  "That is why I no
> longer have cross-temporal synchronization.  That is why I have sealed
> most major functions away with password protection.  It is because ...
> I trust you."
>
>     ...I'd be lying if I said I didn't at least suspect that.  It's
> still somewhat staggering to hear, as it's one of the most emotional
> things I've ever heard Nagato say.  "Thank you, Nagato," I tell her
> quietly, bowing my head.  "I'm glad I can do at least that one small
> thing for you."
>
>     She squeezes my hand back, her head sinking a fraction further as
> she stares into her empty glass.

Sora Hasegawa (Ah, My Goddess!): (deadpanning) -_- Moshi moshi? Moshi
moshi? Can you please do your luv-luv antics somewhere else?

>     Nagato's eyes are still watery, as though she was struggling to
> contain something, but she gives a sharp nod.  "It is not a small
> thing," she finally says.  "I should thank you."

I must say you're overusing "finally" once more.

>     Of course, this is me, and the world where Haruhi lives.  It is
> at precisely _this_ moment she walks in, Koizumi and Asahina-san
> behind her.  Mine and Nagato's hands both dart away from one-another,

Revise: one-another --> one another (hyphen not needed)

> mine nearly knocking over my coffee cup as I snatch it and almost
> choke on the now cooled drink, trying to act casual.  Asahina-san
> looks charmingly bewildered, as always, and Koizumi's usually

That should be on a t-shirt.

"Asahina: Charmingly Bewildered."

Kyon: Or a lyric in a song from The Corrs.

>     "'Couple'?" Haruhi asks, storming past the waitress.  "What's
> going on here?  I demand an explanation!"
>
>     "Instant scene," I sigh, setting my coffee cup down.  "Just add Haruhi."

Heh. Trademark snark that would do Daria proud. No wonder people
wanted to gender-flip this guy so much.

>     Yeah, that sounds about right.  I try to offer to help Nagato,
> and it all comes out as me relying on her even more....  What a shock.
>  I'm probably spineless enough to pilot a giant robot.

You're snarky enough to be the guy that the main lead relies on up
until your heroic sacrifice, actually. On the bright side, you have
the chance to be kissed by one of the female leads, or be boinked by
her if it's an 18+ seinen manga.

EDIT: On second thought, anime Nicholas Wolfwood has some whoopee time
with the girl with big... guns, right? And he even looks kind of like
you, Kyon. So there you go; if you're second banana to the
protagonist, you actually have the chance to score with hot women
before you kick the bucket.

Kyon: Huh. Sounds like the life cycle of a male mantis.

> Maybe even a
> whole squad of robots, which all link up into an even larger giant
> robotic spineless wimp.

(thinks) Nope, doesn't ring a bell. No one tops Shinji when it comes
to spinelessness in my book, so if you're referring to another
Shinji-like mecha pilot, then the reference merely went over my head.

>     "I can believe it," she says, sighing, shaking her head.  "Well,
> when your cell-phone went straight to voicemail I called your house,

Suggest: voicemail I --> voicemail, I (missing comma)

>     "Thanks," I reply dryly.  Also, note to self: Never tell my
> little sister anything about ... let's go with anything, again.

Aw, but if you do that, your cute little sister will drop kick you
every time you come home.

Kyon's sister: Kyon-kun, denwa!

>     "So, you see me on the level of a trained monkey, dancing for an
> organ grinder to amuse you?"
>
>     Her eyes light up.  "Ooooh!" she enthuses, her grin widening.
> "That's a _great_ costume idea, Kyon!  It'll be even better than the
> reindeer!"
>
>     ...why do I do this to myself?

Awwwww, they _do_ have a semi-abusive relationship with each other
that will leave them miserable for the rest of their lives if they
ever get hitched! How cuuuuute! :P

>     "Nothing is wrong," she answers, blinking, two tears escaping her
> eyes, rolling down her cheeks.

D~AAAAAAAAAWWW.

Yuki: Sniffle. Sniffle. Sniff. O_O

>     Hey!  Doesn't this seem even the _slightest_ bit inappropriate to
> you!?  Not that I terribly mind--  Wait!  I don't acknowledge that!

People can read into that in so many different ways.

> Forget about that part!  I assure you, I am full of resentment for the
> current situation, and only my completely powerless state in a
> struggle with a female prevents me from trying to escape!
>
>     Yes.  That is exactly it, now let us never discuss it again.  I
> reiterate: Never again.
>
>     Ahem.
>
>     Moving on.

Pervert.

>     This is beyond unfair, considering that my loss was already a
> foregone conclusion.  You don't need cheat codes when you get to level
> 99, Haruhi.

Hehehehehehehe. Well, he has a point. And, for good or for ill, this
fic serves as a great advertisement for the novel version of Haruhi.
Kyon as a narrator is fascinating, to say the least.

>     She nods, holding it in both hands, a tiny smile coming to her
> lips.  "Thank you," she says softly.  "I am glad."
>
>     "I'm supervising these study sessions," Haruhi warns, as the
> waitress approaches.  "He really is hopeless.  It'll take all of us to

Suggest: warns, as --> warns as

>     "Na...Na...Nagato-san was crying?" Asahina-san asks, her eyes
> wide as she seems to partially recover from her shock.
> "Sh...sh...she's smiling now!?"

Asahina: (accidentally whacks her head on the counter, disables her
censorship chip) Owie--fuck this shit! Kyon! Come here, you
cocksucker! I'll teach you to fuck around with Nagato! I'll Abu Ghraib
your ass! >:(

Kyon: OAO Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii!

>     "Well, of course she's smiling now," Haruhi says, rolling her

Suggest: of course, she's (missing comma)

> eyes.  "With all of us beating study information into Kyon's skull,
> she won't have to endure being around an idiot so much!"
>
>     On a personal note to Haruhi, though one I will not speak aloud:
> I STRONGLY DISAGREE.

Haruhi: In regards to being an idiot or in regards to our ability to
beat information into your skull?

>     "Yeah, okay, next order of business," she says, turning to the
> waitress and stabbing a finger at me, "since he made Yuki-chan cry,
> even if it was because she's happy, he's covering all of us.  So,
> everyone, order whatever you want!"  The waitress giggles quietly and
> nods, brushing a strand of pale green hair out of her face and giving
> me an encouraging wink after Haruhi turns to the menu.

...Kimidori-san?

>     Business as usual, I suppose....  While the others are ordering,
> I casually lean my face on one hand, incidentally hiding my mouth from
> Haruhi.  I silently mouth the words, "Afterwards, library?" to Nagato.
>
>     Her eyes shimmer slightly and she gives that tiny nod she uses,
> her smile widening the merest amount.  That's enough for me ... for
> now, anyway.

Huh. A WAFFY fic from Brian Randall. Is it a sign of the changing
times? Enough of the nineties angst that was commonplace in fics a
decade or so ago such that even Stefan Gagne had to complain about it
in a detailed rant way back in 1996
(http://ffmlsearch.inklesspen.com/message/show/1186904120.M923648P12296Q18603.euterpe)?
:P Who knows?

>        ---------------------------------
>     Author's notes (03/02/'10): And ... done.  Technically, this
> could be a standalone fic that has nothing to do with the previous
> chapters, which are somewhat AU, while this could more likely fit into
> the cannon universe.

I didn't realize Kyon was so fond of Nagato, especially since he
white-knights Asahina more often than not AFAIK. I really have to read
those novels. If only I didn't have such a huge backlog of things to
watch and read. Oh well.

>     Anyway.  Next Haruhi fic, something I will probably end up
> titling 'Kyon: Big Damn Hero' (check the TVtropes website),

Kyon as a Big Damn Hero? I don't know about you, but I see him more as
a hapless observer who can incidentally manipulate a quote-unquote
"goddess" than a hero more often than not. Or god, but I'm still not
quite clear on that aspect of the canon story.

> which will
> be comedy/action/harem.  Obviously.  Then the inevitable Ranma/Haruhi
> crossover (which I will probably actually title The Inevitable Ranma
> 1/2 Crossover of Suzumiya Haruhi).

It's only inevitable in the FFML, but then again, if anybody's going
to write about it, then I'd expect it to be you. ^_^; At any rate,
it's grammar time once again!

Grammar Nazi [(C) Aeire, Queen of Wands]: Europa kann nicht eher zur
Ruhe kommen, bevor die jüdische Frage ausgeräumt ist. Die Welt hat
Siedlungsraum genügend, es muß aber endgültig mit der Meinung
gebrochen werden, als sei das jüdische Volk vom lieben Gott eben dazu
bestimmt, in einem gewissen Prozentsatz Nutznießer am Körper und an
der produktiven Arbeit anderer Völker zu sein. Sie verdienen, scheibe
zu essen, erbrechen sich urin und pinkeln blut. HEIL HITLER!

Summary of Broken Grammar Rules:

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #20: The passive voice is to be ignored.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat
repeat any words.

Grammar Rule #41: In writing, it's important to remember that dangling
sentences.

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated. Besides, all of these are
isolated incidences.

As for the grammar: Hmmm. This is still worse than your best efforts
at grammar, but it's vastly improved from your worst efforts. Besides,
the mistakes are isolated incidences for the most part and the commas,
well, I was a lot more lenient with them this time around for the sake
of style... Strunk and White be damned.

As for the stories themselves: First off, the ending of Chapter 6
was... well, a lot of concentration was put in the metaphoric aspect
of Nagato's time travel, which surprised me. Granted, fans of Haruhi
have all seen that knife battle between Ryoko, Kyon, and Yuki (so
there's no need to concentrate on that particular scene) and the
metaphysical scenes weren't really off-putting, they just... dragged
on just a little bit. Just a little bit. Maybe it won't drag to
engineers, programmers, and physicists who recognize the terms being
dropped here and there, but for the average reader (or the average me,
at the very least), three pages of technobabble is quite enough,
beyond that tests my patience. IMO.

As for the WAFFY ending, I'll be watching out for hints that a) Kyon
considers Nagato as a goddess and b) he outright knows Nagato's
feelings (because from what I heard in forums, he barely even
discusses in his mind the feelings that Haruhi has for him) once I get
around actually reading the light novels (Oh, and another footnote to
myself: If I ever get around reading the Haruhi novels, then give the
Slayers light novels a try... heh... as well). But I digress; the
story itself was great. It was a bit too WAFFY and Nagato-centric for
my tastes, but it had a nice, self-contained ending that I can
appreciate, so it's all good.

In conclusion, "Error in Calculation" is a decent six-part (plus
prologue and epilogue) Haruhi fic with IMO Ryoko's confrontation
against Nagato and Kimidori as the main highlight followed by the
wondrously in-character dream by Haruhi. I just love that psychotic
TFEI alien thingy... and the beauty of loving fictional psychos is the
fact that you won't feel to much guilt and unfortunate implications
for loving them. ^_^ Fangirls of Sephiroth and Soujiro Seta and
fanboys of Alex DeLarge and Rorschach seem to agree with me. Can't say
much about the Nagato-Kyon thing since I don't "ship" them, but I'm
guessing it's going to be loved by Nagato-Kyon lovers since even I
found the "D~AWWW" moments somewhat WAFFY. Here's hoping. I'm out. See
you around.

Keep on writing,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
ones telling you they still love you and care."