[FFML] [Fusion][One-Shot]{Sailor Moon] MMSS - Waiting (chapter 2)

[Miashara]

You know, for any number of reasons, I inherently recoil at the thought of 
actually liking, much less looking forward to, a SM/MMPR cross over. I keep 
reading this with a voice in the back of my head asking, "Really? This?" But 
I'm getting intensely curious to see if you're going to go anywhere with it.

The cast have a unique chemistry. I'm not sure how much beyond superficial 
naming conventions they resemble their original sources, but they do seem to 
play off each other very well. Are the changes to the SM cast are simply 
effects of the other side of the house? Don't know much about that one. 
Anyway, some comments.


----- Original Message ----- 
From: "StudioPC" <studiopc at sbcglobal.net>
To: "FFML" <ffml at chez-vrolet.net>
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 9:12 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Fusion][One-Shot]{Sailor Moon] MMSS - Waiting (chapter 2)


> Okay, so I wrote another one because this world will not leave me alone.
>
> Disclaimer: No money is being made from this and no such intent should
> be inferred.,
> --------
>
> In those very rare moments of self-honesty, Minako admitted that as
> roommates went, Makoto was the best she could ever hope for. Their
> fathers had been best friends and when the Kinos had been killed in a
> plane crash, Makoto came to live with them.
>
> Minako's parents, remembering their own siblings, had divided the
> bedroom in half, laid down some rules, and ruthlessly enforced them.
> And for ten years and counting, it mostly worked. Each girl had a desk
> with chair, wardrobe, bookshelf, and bed. Side by side, the
> bookshelves subtly marked the line between them.
>
> Minako's side was decorated with posters, photos and her wardrobe was
> well stocked with the latest fashion.
>
> By contrast, Makoto's side was, for lack of a better term, empty.
> Money and posessions simply for the sake of either, had never been

You should probably either remove this comma or add a matching one after 
possessions.

> part of Makoto's nature. Her clothes were chosen for function, rather
> then any  particular style. She'd put up no posters and her bookshelf
> was all but empty. On the other hand, she only spent a fraction of her
> allowance every week.
>
> It drove Minako mad. She simply could not comprehend Makoto's complete
> and utter disinterest in the very things that even Usagi was
> passionate about. God knew why, but Makoto seemed to be content
> drifting along in Usagi's shadow. The irony that Minako did the same
> thing, only to Rei, was lost on her.
>
> "Hey, Makoto?"
>
> "Yo."
>
> "What do you think of . . . no, never mind."
>
> "'Kay."
>
> "You know, I just don't get you."
>
> "Sorry."
>
> Minako fell back on her bed, clapped a pillow over her mouth and
> screamed in fustration.

There's something inherently hilarious about Makoto to me. I think it's 
because she wanders across the dividing line between laid back and Ayanami 
Rei style empty.

> ---------------------
>
> Ami lay on her bed in the darkness of her room. She should be asleep.
> Her optimum bedtime, calculated by her fitness level, age, average
> physical activity per day, travel time and schoolwork, had passed more
> then an hour ago. But she couldn't sleep, for something new had
> happened today. Something wonderful.
>
> She reached for her cell phone and flipped it open, then to the
> contacts menu.
>
> Minako Aino
> Mother
> Mother's Office
> Rei Hino
> Makoto Kino
> Usagi Tsukino

wow.

> New names on her phone list. Four of them. Perhaps they would even be
> her friends.
>
> Dr. Hinako Mizuno MD, PhD, did not approve of friends. Social
> relationships distracted you from the pureness of science, she said,
> but Ami had often longed for a friend. Just one. She'd never owned a
> stuffed animal. and talk of imaginary friends had been quickly
> sqaushed. Dr. Mizuno saw no reason to indulge flights of fancy.
> Imagination was there to be used to invent that which furthered the
> exploration and understanding of the universe.
>
> Having those four names meant Ami was disobeying her mother.
>
> She closed her phone.
>
> Oddly, she didn't feel as bad about that as she should.
>
> ----------------------
>
> Usagi and Rei sat across from each other at the resturant and glared.
> Not  anyone but a keen observer, who knew both girls well, could tell.
>
> They put a pleasant mask on it of course, a show for their parents.
> Polite conversation wrapped around needle sharp barbs disguised as
> metaphors and euphinisims. At present, they were engaged in a razor
> sharp dance of trying to eat more neatly then the other.
>
> Next to Usagi, Shingo, her younger brother, ate silently and tried to
> be invisible. He was convinced that someday, perhaps even tonight,
> Usagi and Rei were going to suddenly manifest magical powers or
> something like in an anime and slaughter each other in a spectacular
> display of violence.

I'm with Shingo.

> While part of him was chomping at the bit for this, another part, the
> survival instinct of any little brother with a quick tempered sister,
> wanted to hide under the bed until it was over.
>
> It was then that he noted that both girls were wearing identical
> wristwatches. Maybe they were henshin devices! His friends would be so
> jealous!
>
> Then he rolled his eyes. The watches were just them trying to show
> each other up again. What sort of lunatic would put Rei and Usagi on
> the same Sentai team?

Was that a pun?

> -----------------------------
>
> The hour was late, but Artemis hunched over the Spirit Scanner,
> checking over each and every sqaure inch of the planet, searching
> intently for one particuar soul.
>
> "You will be of no use to anyone if you do not sleep, Artemis."
>
> The Mage looked up, almost guiltily. "I will sleep soon, my Queen. I
> just . . . I was hoping to find her."
>
> Serenity might have been a hologram, but she could still give The Look
> and Artemis flinched. "What happended to Luna was not your fault,
> Artemis. She would have jumped into battle, trained or not." Her look
> softened. "She is much like her father when he was younger."
>
> Artemis sighed. "Would that you were wrong, My Queen, but the fact
> remains that we should have left with the transports and not stayed
> behind. Luna's education was my responsibility and I failed her."

responsibility, and

> Serenity would have laid a comforting hand on his should if she could,
> but instead she gave him a soft smile. "The bond between a Master and
> his Apprentice is strong, but even more so when it is also Father and
> Daughter."
>
> "I should have told her who I am."
>
> "Would it have changed anything? The Mau do not acknowledge fathers.
> You know that."
>
> "I . . . I would like to think so. Part of her is Imperial. I had
> always hoped that .  . . it is a foolish hope, I know."
>
> "Are you proud of her?"
>
> "Of course! She was a brilliant mage! She was almost ready for her
> Trials."
>
> "And at a young age too, due to your instruction. Take comfort in
> that." Another smile. "Seek your bed, Artemis. I will mind the scanner."
>
> "My Queen, you do not need to--"
>
> "I need less sleep then you, and . . ." She trailed off, concern on
> her face.
>
> "My Queen?"
>
> "I want to research a way to break through the Chronos Shield, if I
> can. We may need the Keepers' help before this is through."
>
> Artemis blinked and then chose his next words very carefully. "Your
> Highness, as the Senior High Mage present, I am oath-bound to remind
> you that your father forbade contact with both the Keepers and the
> outer planets. A decision that was upheld by the Senate."

Why does he refer to her as Highness? Why not Majesty?

> "And look where it got us," Serenity snapped, bitterness in her voice
> and then she looked down. "No, you are correct, Artemis, he did, and
> for good reason. But you and I both know part of that reason was his
> fury at Setsuna."
>
> "The Lady had always known her own mind, Your Highness. I must also
> remind you that trafficking with the Keepers of Time is not without
> risk."
>
> "As I well know," Serenity replied, "But you and I, the Senshi and
> this place are all that's left of the Imperium. Our options are few
> and I must take larger risks if we are see Beryl defeated."
>
> Artemis bowed. "Yes, Your Highness." He straightened. "The Lower
> Tachyon Bands are usually the best place to find cracks in a Chronos
> Shield, my Queen."
>
> Serenity smiled. "Thank you, Artemis. Pleasant dreams."
>
> "Good Night, My Queen."

Good night,

Anyway, a couple places you start sentences with conjuntions, which by and 
large is a bad thing, but I gathered that you were doing it for stylistic 
reasons. Each scene seems to be one character playing off another, which is 
one of the strengths of your cast. Everyone reacts uniquely to everyone 
else, which keeps the dialogue fresh.

The only problem that I see is that there doesn't seem much plot driven 
conflict. Other than Usagi vs Minako, everything seems to be perfectly 
functional human interaction. While you've got a great cast, unless some 
crazy stuff starts happening, I don't know where this is going. But if 
you're just starting slowly, carry on.