[FFML] [fic][yyh][rewrite] Shonen Chapter 23: Revolution (Part 3)

[Chester Castañeda]

I didn't expect this. What a welcome surprise! Many thanks as well. :)

On Wed, May 20, 2009 at 10:57 PM, DB Sommer <sommert at consolidated.net> wrote:
> Been meaning to get to this:
>
>>
>> In a capricious world where the person with the strongest willpower
>> would triumph,
>
> % I wonder what would happen if they received Green Lantern rings, since
> those run on will power. Could get even messier than YYH usually is.

Heh. Something akin to the Falcon Punch... or at least what that
oldmeme presents it to be.

> % This all feels a bit wordy for some reason, but that might be just me.

No, actually, I also think it's wordy. I've been reediting my works
here and there for the past year or so, and I was at a "blocks of
text" phase during the time I wrote this. I'll do something about this
via (yet another) rewrite as soon as I can.

>> "You had me worried for a second there, Kurama," Kuronue admitted to his
>> kneeling and tired 'prisoner' as he un-clung his clothes from the bamboo
>> staff that saved his second chance at life a few moments ago. "You hurt
>> my feelings. I thought that you trusted that stubborn let clueless
>>
>
> % yet clueless

D'oh! I so thought reading that aloud (allowed?) would have let me
catch it. Thanks for the catch. I'll probably catch more things to
edit during the last look-through.

>> ...Except the image of him effortlessly hitting the scythe blinked into
>> the scythe snaking out of his blade's way and stabbing him on the chest,
>>
>
> % that just feels like a run on sentence. I'd reward it even if it isn't

I think the scythe thing is a bit redundant as well. I'll see what I
can do with it when I have the time to further proof it; gotta do a
writing project for ten days right now. :)

> % Btw, nice fight scene.

Thanks. I liked the escalation bit myself, but then again, I just
watched Gurren Lagann when I wrote this. :P

>> The fact that he hadn't quite killed or even slowed the jaganshi down
>> ad
>
> % had

Curses! Thanks again for the catch.

>
>> "Who's the Karasu now, Hiei? More importantly, who's your daddy?"
>>
>
> % Heh.

(shrugs) I don't know what possessed me to put that. :P

> % Yeah, this feels a lot more 'tell' than 'show'. I think that is what
> was throwing me off here.

Hmm. Perhaps I shouldn't have put that last part explaining why in,
but then again, I wanted to put that point across. Also, it's a Shonen
continuity nod to "shattered soul" Munashii (nee Chuuku).

>> Kurama smilingly shook his head. "You're being silly. Hasn't it occurred
>> to you that my actions are actually those of a dying man? Saying good-
>> bye to loved ones, tying loose ends in both of my lifetimes, making sure
>> that life goes on without me in the form of a newborn child; did those
>> simple facts escape your notice, koorime?"
>
> % The man does make a point. Nice job on having him get Hiei to run him
> through in the end.

There were a lot of lampshades and fourth-wall winks on just how
contrived Kurama's little death quest is (and I had to remove 75%
percent of it in the final rewrite; I must have been writing all that
nonsense for the sake of shaking off my writer's block!), but in the
end, I decided that everything leading up to this part to be very IC.
We're talking  "Mirror of Forlorn Hope"-type Shuichi Minamino versus
the bastard that had Yomi nearly killed just to teach blind boy a
lesson. Such a disconnect there.

>> In regards to the ending of this chapter, let's just say it's
>> inspired by one particular 'Gateway' anime: MagicKnight Rayearth.
>> How so? Here's a clue--the season ender of the first season.
>
> %Heh. I didn't see that one coming, I confess. It was an original ending
> to an otherwise fairly cookie cutter plot. MKR 1st season, I mean.

Me too, and loved it in the sense that it was one of the first twist
endings I ever saw (I was in grade school when MKR was shown in my
country). Too bad CLAMP has gone overboard with the twist endings with
whatever it is they're doing with Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle. ^-^

> % Nice work. Can't think of much else to say. The end game was very well
> done and everything made sense from each character's POV, though as I
> said it felt very tell when it could have been more show in many places.

I'll see what I can do in order to improve the content show-wise
(probably after I finish th Rurouni Yahiko rewrites). I'm quite happy
I was able to make the intentions of each character clear and
believable (been honing that writing technique for quite a while now
:P). Will work on showing not telling as soon as I figure out when to
use "tell" and when to use "show". ^_^

Thanks again for the feedback! Hope Avenging comes back soon.


Ja ne!
Abdiel

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