[FFML] [fic][yyh][rewrite] Shonen Chapter 23: Revolution (Part 3)

[DB Sommer]

Been meaning to get to this:

>
> In a capricious world where the person with the strongest willpower
> would triumph, 

% I wonder what would happen if they received Green Lantern rings, since 
those run on will power. Could get even messier than YYH usually is.


> "What the hell are you trying to do? Have you completely lost your
> mind?!" Hiei screamed anyway, reiterating his earliest sentiments over
> Kurama's death scene. "Wake up already! You don't care about the life of
> some stillborn you've never met! You probably didn't even know she
> existed until years later, when Munashii finally appeared! Rebirth this,
> Asuka that; it's enough to make me vomit! I know beneath your vapid
> human exterior and delusions of martyrdom, you're still in there,
> Kurama; stop this nonsense and listen to reason!" 
>
> "How many times do I have to tell you, Hiei? I don't need saving. Taka-
> kun didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do. Leave me be,"
> Kurama sternly reprimanded Hiei as he descended back from whence he
> came, the flood from the waters of the River Styx receding as he fell.
> Hiei followed suit, streaking across the pit like a black-clad bullet as
> he attempted to grab Kurama before he hit the furious whirlpool below.
>   

% This all feels a bit wordy for some reason, but that might be just me.

> "You had me worried for a second there, Kurama," Kuronue admitted to his
> kneeling and tired 'prisoner' as he un-clung his clothes from the bamboo
> staff that saved his second chance at life a few moments ago. "You hurt
> my feelings. I thought that you trusted that stubborn let clueless
>   

% yet clueless

> ...Except the image of him effortlessly hitting the scythe blinked into 
> the scythe snaking out of his blade's way and stabbing him on the chest,
>   

% that just feels like a run on sentence. I'd reward it even if it isn't

% Btw, nice fight scene.


> The fact that he hadn't quite killed or even slowed the jaganshi down
> ad

% had


> "Who's the Karasu now, Hiei? More importantly, who's your daddy?"
>   

% Heh.

> Alas, they never even had a chance to escape as Kurama hit them with an
> entire forest of Hydra Bamboo spears just as they were about to turn and
> finish the hapless Hiei off. Kurama intentionally made the Kuronues
> pursue the pendant in order to skewer them en masse without a single
> possibility for survival. Why? Because Kurama didn't want Hiei to become
> a shattered soul like himself and Shuichi Minamino, which forced him to 
> sacrifice one of his most loyal and dearest of friends.
>   

% Yeah, this feels a lot more 'tell' than 'show'. I think that is what 
was throwing me off here.

> Kurama smilingly shook his head. "You're being silly. Hasn't it occurred
> to you that my actions are actually those of a dying man? Saying good-
> bye to loved ones, tying loose ends in both of my lifetimes, making sure
> that life goes on without me in the form of a newborn child; did those
> simple facts escape your notice, koorime?"
>   

% The man does make a point. Nice job on having him get Hiei to run him 
through in the end.
> story's context.
>
> In regards to the ending of this chapter, let's just say it's
> inspired by one particular 'Gateway' anime: MagicKnight Rayearth.
> How so? Here's a clue--the season ender of the first season.

%Heh. I didn't see that one coming, I confess. It was an original ending 
to an otherwise fairly cookie cutter plot. MKR 1st season, I mean.

% Nice work. Can't think of much else to say. The end game was very well 
done and everything made sense from each character's POV, though as I 
said it felt very tell when it could have been more show in many places.

DB Sommer