[FFML] [Ranma/Marvel] Avenging Act 2 Chapter 9

[Chester Castañeda]

Hello. Abdiel here, and here's my usual copy-pasta:

The below C&C is provided to you AS IS and WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY. You
agree to indemnify and acknowledge that the C&Cer will be held
blameless for any damage resulting to including but not limited to 1)
your mind, 2) the quality of your work, 3) your desire to continue
writing the C&Ced work. You acknowledge that these comments do not
belong to you, but rather that the comments are licensed to you for a
limited one-chapter period. If at any time you disagree with these
comments, this license is revoked and you must permanently delete all
chapters, spamfics, and storylines from which edits based upon this
C&C were made.

How's it hanging? Sorry for the late reply. I've been... well, busy.
:) Swamped with work, I am. Fanfic writing and feedback making are
great hobbies, but a guy's got to eat. :P

On Thu, May 28, 2009 at 12:22 AM, DB Sommer <sommert at consolidated.net> wrote:
> Avenging
> Act III
> The Animal Farm
> Chapter 9
>
>
> Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> Seated at her receptionist’s desk, Akane Tendou smiled dreamily as the
> radio played a sad love song in the background. It was unfortunate she
> couldn’t have attended the autograph session with the other Avengers,
> but she did have her job,

(nods) I know how she feels. :P

> and any chance to be with Dr. Tofu was always
> time well spent. True, their roles were solely his being a doctor with
> the patients and she only his faithful nurse/receptionist, but it still
> counted as time together in her book.

And, if it were a dojin, that was enough reason to push them together
Nightshift Nurses style. Or if this were Sextacular. Akane may
actually love such turn of events depending on how she looks at it.

> A pity things hadn’t exactly been moving forward on the Tofu front, but
> neither had Akane lost any ground. She had confidence now that someday

(scratches head) Suggest: but neither had Akane lost any ground -->
but Akane hadn't lost any ground either

IMO, the above sentence is phrased awkwardly.

> something fateful would happen that would enable him to see her for the
> wonderful person she was.

Something fateful, huh? What, Kasumi will die? Dr. Tofu will unleash
the Pym inside him and transform himself into a misogynist that even
Kasumi won't be able to stand? Akane will go into the Kami Plane and
become a warrior about the same age as Tofu? Oh, wait... wrong kind of
fateful. :P

> Then they would begin dating and have a
> courtship that would be like out of some romance novel which would end
> in marriage.

Wow. Just look at how Akane's consciousness streams out into the narrative!

> As her fantasy with Tofu began, she also considered the hunky and heroic

Suggest: Tofu began, --> Tofu continued,

Because, you know, she was already fantasizing about him.

> Captain Japan as well. Truly he was a magnificent specimen for a mortal,

Revise: Truly he --> Truly, he (missing comma)

Commas can be used after an introductory adverb clause.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

> and his character and perseverance were that of a true warrior. No doubt

Suggest: No doubt --> No doubt, (comma issues again)

I'm merely suggesting in the off-chance that "No doubt" isn't an
introductory prepositional phrase. Do correct me if I'm wrong, I'm
merely playing this by the ear.

> under his mask was an equally heroic countenance. And his stamina was
> not in doubt from having seen him in action. He would make for a
> desirable partner as well.

I'm suddenly getting Red Sonja vibes from this speech for some reason.

> But who to choose? Bah, why not take both?

...Or rather, vibes of A-hnold co-starring in Red Sonja; that, plus
his quote about lamenting women in the Conan movie.

> Come to think of it, there was Ranma, too, who was nearly as hunky as
> the Captain and a nice sort, not at all like the boys from her school.

Huh. Under different circumstances of the forced parental pressure
type, Akane digs Ranma. This isn't really news unless your view of
Akane has been completely skewed by fanfics.

> And a relationship with him would answer the need for family honor.
> Three were not too much. In fact, that was probably the bare minimum
> necessary to sate her healthy appetite. The three of them would surely
> be entertaining in bed—

I didn't know you were crossing over Sextacular with Avenging! :P

> “Akane, why are you drooling?”

And this line reminds me of how women in hentai found in YouPorn act.
Er, oh so I've heard.

> The question snapped Akane back to the world of the living. It was Dr.
> Tofu, who was seeing his last patient out. Akane felt her face redden as
> she recalled the totally perverted thoughts she had been having. Three
> guys? And only one of them Dr. Tofu?

Akane: If only he were Dr. Manhattan instead of YellowJacket or
whatever alias he's using now, then I could be doing it with three Dr.
Tofus! (drools some more)

> What had she been thinking?

Weaboo Rant Alert!: Women in Sommerfic tend to eschew the Nadeshiko or
Dojikko values held dear by otaku and embodied in girls like Mikuru
"Moe-Blob" Asahina and Belldandy types. Indeed, Avenging's version of
Rally "Larry" Vincent and the ending of Gestalt comes to mind.
Sommerfic women's rather "liberal" attitude about the birds and the
bees takes a bit out of the Japanese flavorings of DB's anime fics,
but I kind of like this different take, if you will.

> Actually she remembered what she had been thinking, which was what made
> it so bad.
>

Revise: Actually she --> Actually, she

Introductory adverb clause thingy again...

> “Ah, it was…”Akane tried frantically to come up with some rational

Revise: ”Akane --> ” Akane (missing space between close quotation
marks and Akane)

> explanation. Perhaps accidently giving herself an overdose of Novocain
> which had deadened her jaw and she didn’t know she was drooling?

Revise: accidently --> accidentally (typo)

Also: Novocain --> Novocain, (missing comma)

Finally: Perhaps --> Perhaps she could claim that (you might as well
complete the sentence to avoid unnecessary sentence fragments)

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #10: No sentence fragments.

> “This breaking news.

Actually, I'm more used to hearing "Breaking news from _____ News
Network." But that's just me.

> The
> super hero group that has come under fire recently, the Avengers, was
> attacked during an autograph session at a local store. Reports are that
> they lost to a group of unknown canine super villains. Unconfirmed

Ah, so you ultimately opted for the "super hero" and "super villain"
spelling. As such, I'm merely going to check if you're using it in
this fic consistently.

> hero. Maybe in gratitude he would kiss her the way Hawkeye had when they
> were under the Mandarin’s fortress.

Yuri Fanboys: (squeeeeing)

(shudders) Fanboys squeeing just sounds sooo wrong in so many ways...

> After all, kicking ass was what a warrior was born to do.

Conan: And making their women lament. Don't forget that.

> The Avengers priority signal beeped. Kodachi Kunou cursed at the

Revise: Avengers' priority (possessive, should have an apostrophe)

...It just occurred to me that I've somewhat forgotten what had
happened last time. Looking into my C&C archive, no wonder; it's been
nearly a year since the last chapter (around the time The Dark Knight
was released, I believe), and it ended in quite a cliffhanger. The
fact that the chapter was mostly Geobreeders-based kind of made it
harder for the fic to stick in my mind (which reminds me, I got to
watch an episode of that one of these days to see if it tickles my
fancy or not).

> interruption. After two near fanatical weeks of theorizing and

Revise: near fanatical --> near-fanatical

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

> experimentation she had determined that a refractory coating would be

Suggest: experimentation she --> experimentation, she (missing comma,
natural pause)

> the best means of preventing her armor from being controlled by any
> outside signals, like Bullseye had done. But even with the method
> decided Kodachi still had to test the composition, thickness, and a host

Revise: decided Kodachi --> decided, Kodachi

The above introductory prepositional phrase needs a comma after it.

> Distractions she did not need. She swore if this ‘priority’ was from the
> Hulk again because he was hungry and couldn’t locate the kitchen she’d

Revise: kitchen she'd --> kitchen, she'd (missing comma)

> make fuchsia the ‘official’ color of the Avengers and force him to wear
> pants in that shade.

(ponders) What if, to avoid any Fridge Logic conclusions about gamma
radiation changing the color of your pants, Ryoga wore purple pants
from the get-go?

...God, that's tacky. Even the first iteration of Mr. "Blind man
dressing himself" Daredevil or Night "Superman suggested the high
collar" Wing's costumers would be put to shame by Ryoga's yellow and
purple wardrobe ensemble.

> Her attitude changed when she saw it was an automatically generated
> signal by her ‘heads up’ program. It monitored all commercial
> information systems, like television, radio and, the internet,

Revise: radio and, the --> radio, and the (misplaced comma)

> and red
> flagged any that might have a significant impact on the Avengers.

Suggest: red flagged --> red-flagged (I think...)

> Punching up the alert, it informed her of the attack, and more
> importantly, that a member of her team had been abducted. What if it had
> been her beloved Captain Japan that had been captured?

Is the Harem Hive Mind at play here? :P

> If she moved fast
> she could swoop down and rescue him single-handedly. It would be the

Revise: moved fast --> moved fast, (missing comma again)

> perfect segue to invite him out to dinner at the most expensive
> restaurant in Japan. But how would she eat through the slit in her

On a side note, the costume of the Captain Japan fanart in your
Florestica page uses the Sunfire costume scheme, right? Nice touch,
that.

> helmet? Maybe it was time to inform the Captain of her true identity.

Or she could open her helmet's jaw up Metal Fighter Miku style and
ditch the Knight Saber look.

> It
> would be a sign of trust. And then he could reveal his identity to her.
> It would be ‘their little secret’. Oh, it was a wonderful plan.
>
> “Don’t’ worry, Captain-sama, I am coming to save you. Ohhohohohohoho!”

LOL at the cringe-inducing laugh at the end. Almost couldn't believe
that the deranged seiyuu for Kodachi was the exact same seiyuu for the
timid yet deadly Shinobu from Urusei Yatsura. Imagine that.

> The girl writhed with the best of her abilities, snarling, “Let Tigra
> go!” She got a solid kick to the face of one of the cats, knocking him
> far enough away he had to grab onto the side of the vehicle to keep from
> falling. However another was quick to take his place on her limb.

Revise: However another --> However, another

> The brown-furred male, much larger than the others, said, “She’s
> confused, for some reason, you idiot! It’s why she didn’t come to us in

Revise: confused, for --> confused for (awkward pause, get rid of that comma)

Also, suggest: It's why --> That's why (sounds better to my ears for
some reason)

> Having gone limp, her captors loosened their holds ever so slightly.

Suggest: holds ever --> holds on her ever (missing words)

> Their mistake as Tigra became active again, ripping across the face of

Revise: Their mistake as --> It was their mistake, because

> one of the Phantom Cats, her claws biting deeply. However, instead of
> blood a glow came from the tear, which then healed itself before her eyes.

Revise: blood a --> blood, a

I've seen that effect in animation once or twice. Always thought it
was done in part of the no blood rule in Saturday Morning Cartoons.

> The one that had been scratched said, “Hey, I healed from her claws.”
>
> “The Tigra’s powers differ from ours,” Cougar explained.

Oh, great. Tigra's claws are made of Tenseiga.

> A third phantom cat said, “You got that right. She’s way stronger than
> any of us, except for the Balkatar,” she added in a meaningful way to
> the leader of the Phantom Cats on Earth.” The sycophant took a fist to
> her face courtesy of Tigra, for the trouble.

Suggest: cat said, --> cat nodded.

Because two bookend speech indicators just don't sound kosher to me.

Also, revise: Earth.”  --> Earth. (no need for the quotation mark there)

Finally: Tigra, for --> Tigra for

Or: The sycophant took a fist to her face courtesy of Tigra, for the
trouble. --> For her trouble, the sycophant took a fist to her face
courtesy of Tigra.

> “We’re almost there,” Cougar said sympathetically to the girl, then to
> the driver ordered, “Toonces, drive faster.” He didn’t wait for the

Revise: then to the driver ordered --> then ordered the driver (sounds
better, methinks)

> Skit nodded, pulling out a cell phone and dialing a number. A second

Shouldn't that be "cellphone"?

> later he turned into light as he put one hand into the digital screen on

Revise: later, he

He turned into light? What, is this the special effects for Xanadu?

> There really could be a silver lining in a cloud, Ryouga Hibiki decided.
> His original intention had been to attend the autograph session with the
> rest of the Avenger. True, he wasn’t in his Hulk form, but he had a way

Revise: the Avenger --> the Avengers (plural)

> around it: he had poked two eyeholes in one of his bandannas so he could
> tie it around his face. No one would recognize him for sure like that.
> It was the perfect disguise.

LOL at the continuity nod.

> But Ryouga ended up getting lost instead. More like ‘as usual’. However,
> this was not cause for depression as was usually the case. He had ended

You made lots of clipped sentences above. I suggest you revise that.

Suggest: However, this was not the cause for his depression, as was
usually the case.

Also: Get rid of "More like 'as usual'." It's extraneous.

> up at a launch base where they were going to shuttle a satellite into
> orbit. Ryouga had always been fascinated by outer space. Many hours of
> his youth had been taken up pretending he was an astronaut-- and not

Revise: youth, he had

> getting lost in space, (although maybe there was an idea for a TV
> series, or even a movie, behind that one).

Subtle. :P

> Ryouga only had enough time to yell, “Ahhhh!” and have his blood
> pressure shoot through the roof before the truck ran him over.

Even without Hulk powers, I'd be sorry for the truck.

> hijacking since its destination remained the same: only its cargo would
> be different, and that was primarily in the form of passengers. That was
> all that was necessary since they had initiated this plan months ago.
> Everything was in place. It was a just a question of timing now.

Hijacking space craft? A common Marvel tradition.

> Cat, and having the Avengers and the thrice damned Geobreeders take each
> other out while snatching the Tigra out from under their collective
> unconscious noses. It didn’t get any more convenient than that.

Noses go unconscious?

> Cougar barked out, “Tai, Mackie, Greyeye, Shi and Raven, hold the Tigra

Revise: Shi and --> Shi, and

> down. The rest of you keep the Hulk from getting to the shuttle!”

Suggest: you, keep

Also: you should keep

> Tigra heard that. Shuttle? That couldn’t be good. She struggled harder,
> but while she was indeed stronger than any of any single Phantom Cat she

Revise: any of any single Phantom Cat --> any of the Phantom Cats, /
any single Phantom Cat,

> wasn’t stronger than five. And no matter how or where she scratched,
> they kept on healing.

At least she's not in the standard "Hand over her neck and her arm
twisted behind her back" pose many Faux Action Girls are suckers for.
Just ask Sonya Blade from the Mortal Kombat movie.

> She hated regeneraters. At least ones better than her.

Suggest: regeneraters --> regenerators ("tors" instead of "ters")

Also: regeneraters. At --> regenerators; at

> The Hulk had nearly caught up to the truck when over a dozen Phantom
> Cats sprang out from the back and leapt upon him. The jade goliath found
> himself buried under a fur pile that wouldn’t have felt all that bad had
> the phantom cats not been trying to claw him to shreds.

(scratches head) I'm just curious. When do you use the common noun
version of "phantom cats" and when do you use the proper noun version
of "Phantom Cats"? I'm asking to make sure it's not a consistency
error I'm seeing here but a legitimately grammatical practice.

> “Cat people attack Hulk! Bad kitties! Bad!” The Hulk flexed his muscles,
> hurling the Phantom Cats through the air until they were stopped by a
> variety of obstructions, such as walls, vehicles, the ground, and a host
> of other very solid objects.

Ouch. Good thing they're regenerators, or else they'd be road/wall/ground kill.

> One of the trucks was a maintenance vehicle with a number of pipes
> poking out the back. A Phantom Cat flew almost unerringly toward it and
> ended up impaled squarely through the chest by one of the protruding pipes.

Phantom Cat: (doing his best "Bennett" impression) Eat your heart out,
Vernon Wells! (dies, regenerates, dies, regenerates, ad nauseum)

> then fell forward and off the pipe. As he rose to his feet, the glowing
> spot where the hole had been disappeared. Other cats who had injuries,
> including scrapes, cuts, or even broken bones, healed in similar fashion.

The healing process reminds me of Mister Sinister from the old X-men Cartoon.

> Oh well, at least it hadn’t been that furry harridan,
> Tigra. She would have turned around and gone back home if that one had
> been the kidnap victim.

Heh.

> of the Phantom Cats staring right at her. It was very creepy, especially
> with his inhuman eyes. Maybe she’d hit him with a repulsor blast first.

Nah, go overkill. Use your super! Proton Cannon FTW! Burn that cheap,
resurrecting bastard Gill, er, Phantom Cat!

> Then he suddenly dissolved into a beam of energy which shot up at her
> armor. There was a flash of light as it struck her, yet she felt no
> impact, nor did her armor seem scorched of burnt.

Well, that was unexpected (to me, at least). The Phantom Cats'
Xanadu-effect powers are apparently multipurpose.

> “Not again!” Kodachi tried everything she could to regain control of the
> armor’s systems, but it was useless. Nothing responded, not even her
> inbuilt am/fm radio.

Hehe.

> The Hulk rose to his feet. “Why did Tin Can Girl—“ The rest of the
> interrogative was cut off by a full force repulsor beam to the face
> which once again knocked the Hulk on his big green behind.

Revise: which once --> that once (that/which error)

Grammar Rule #79: "That" is the defining/restrictive pronoun. "Which"
is the non-defining/nonrestrictive pronoun. The careful writer,
watchful for small conveniences, goes which-hunting, removing the
defining whiches, and by so doing improves his work.

> “Hulk thinks this is trick. Hulk thinks you are really robot making
> believe it’s Tin Can Girl. Hulk will smash to prove it!” And with that
> he leapt into the air.

Tsk. Yeah, Hulk learns from experience as his limited intelligence can allow.

> Instead the armor circled around in mid-air, keeping distance between it

Revise: Instead the armor --> Instead, the armor (missing comma)

Revise: mid-air --> midair (you broke Grammar Rule #57 yet again)

> Thor flew through the air toward the truck that was now stationed near
> the shuttle that was preparing for launch. Memories of nearly being
> flashfried by the Mandarin’s own missile launch made her wince. Still,

Suggest: flash-fried

> it was obvious these felines were up to no good (cat people never were,
> as evidenced by Tigra’s sluttish demeanor).

Heh.

> While on one level allowing them to shoot Tigra into deep space was
> satisfying, she deserved a better fate, such as a full body shave.

On one hand, she'd look gorgeous because there's a Shampoo underneath
that Tigra. On the other hand, the skritchy, stubble-strewn goose
pimples and five o' clock shadow on Tigra's face is probably not too
fetching. (resists making a tawdry "shaved pussy" joke)

> Besides, allowing one’s comrades to be abducted to far off lands under

Suggest: far-off

> the blow. Truly he was an arrogant creature.

Revise: Truly, he (missing comma, adverbial clause)

> And then the hammer sailed through his chest, as though he were nothing
> more than a ghost.

I'm starting to "get" the Phantom part of Phantom Cats. (raps noggin
with knuckles) Duh.

> Iron Rose was becoming frantic. Losing control was so horrible she would

Revise: horrible she --> horrible, she

Losing control is horrible? She should have a talk to her canon
counterpart about that.

> almost prefer the Hulk catch her and peel the armor from her body.

That sounded kind of sexy.

> The Hulk had leapt up once more and nearly caught her this time. His

Suggest: Hulk had leapt --> Hulk leapt

I was under the impression that the leap was happening in real time,
albeit in past tense form.

> The searchlight concealed in her chest flashed out, blinding the Hulk
> momentarily. Readings indicated the Cat was shunting one hundred percent
> of the power into her repulsors. He was going for an all or nothing

Kodachi: Damn resource-hogging repulsors! They're almost as bad as Firefox...

> shot. That much power, and even the Hulk might be knocked out. Or worse.
> Her repulsors were powerful, and even she didn’t know what kind of
> damage such a blast would do to her simple minded teammate.

Proton cannon that ass. Come on, it's not as if you're fighting a
cheap-ass Cable or anything! Tick damage him if you can!

> Suddenly there was a flash of light from the ground and sparks danced

Revise: Suddenly, there (missing comma)

> The Hulk held his hand to his brow, keeping out the sun, as he watched
> her form dwindle out of sight, lost among the trees of a nearby forest.

Huh. ficAkane express, Hulk-style.

> “Ooooo! Pretty. Hulk likes space shots.” He watched the craft slowly
> lift into the blue sky. Maybe he would become astronaut instead of
> Avenger. He bet he was strong enough he could just throw the craft into
> space, and they wouldn’t need big rockets anymore.

The thing with Hulk is that he's as much a liability as an asset to
the Avengers Team.

> air. She was far enough away that the flames didn’t harm her, though
> with the wind any mere mortal would have been blown away.

Revise: wind any --> wind, any

> she and Iron Rose destroyed the Mandarin’s satellite. Now that she knew
> the Phantom Cats could become immaterial, she would be prepared for
> them. They could be dispatched quite easily.

Er, how?

> Thor was catching up the shuttle, no more than fifty meters away from

Revise: up the shuttle --> up to the shuttle (missing word)

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

> bureaucratic nightmare. So why don’t we go somewhere and, once I get the
> okay, I can inform you of everything hat happened?”

Revise: hat happened --> that happened (typo)

> “Oh yes. Phantom Cat abilities are very adept at raiding computer
> files,” Felicity explained. “Rather than sending out subtle waves to
> influence people over a prolonged period of time, we’re going to tailor
> an EM burst that will shut down human brains instead.

This reminds me of the X2 movie main plot for some reason.

> Thanks to you we
> can blanket the entire earth with it. We won’t even need the receivers

Revise: to you we --> to you, we

> “You’ll kill everyone,” he said, staring at her in horror.

Including him, probably.

> Before the Gargoyle could answer the door to his room was kicked in.
> Standing in the entryway was a tall masked girl, with long brown hair,

Revise: girl, with --> girl with (needless comma)

> dressed in a sailor fuku with green edging and lightning bolts all over
> her boots, uniform, and gloves.

Huh. What's this, a fusion between Sailor V and Sailor Jupiter? Sailor
J, perhaps?

> Before anyone could move a bolt of electricity shot from her hand,

Revise: move a --> move, a (missing comma)

> striking Felicity in the side. The cat girl convulsed, let out a soul
> searing scream, then dissipated, as though she truly had been nothing
> more than a phantom that appeared like a cat rather than a cat that
> acted like a phantom.

Sounds deep.

> The Living Lightning stared at him impassively. “My mistress sent me to
> save you from certain termination. She appreciates your genius and
> wishes to hire you, in light of the fact that once the truth of your
> ‘communication system’ comes to light, you will be imprisoned, if not
> executed. She offers a lucrative salary as well as benefits package.”

Gargoyle: More chicks are recognizing my genius despite my disfigured
face? Score one for the nerds! w00t!

> The Living Lightning shook her head. “Rest assured, steps have already
> been taken to prevent that. Were they not, I would have been personally
> sent to destroy the satellite. Now, it is recommended you take my
> mistress up on her offer.” She raised a glowing hand and aimed it at him.

So what, they used Batman's patented contingency plans to save the day
or something?

> “Let me out!” Tigra hissed as she banged against the walls of the glass
> tube she had unceremoniously been stuffed in. Whatever the giant tube
> was made of was damn thick to resist her super strength. Of course, even

Suggest: made of was --> made of, it was

> if she escaped she had nowhere to go.

Also: escaped she --> escaped, she

> Once the shuttle had taken off she had stopped resisting. If she had

Revise: off she --> off, she

> broken free she had nowhere to go. It wasn’t like she could survive

Revise: free she --> free, she

> reentry like Iron Rose. She listened calmly, waiting for some
> opportunity to escape as they went into orbit and eventually
> rendezvoused with the space station that served as the hub for all of
> this Mr. Comrade’s global communications. Tigra had been offloaded and

Suggest: this Mr. Comrades's --> Mr. Comrades (get rid of 'this')

> shoved into one of these tubes. At the moment she was left to do nothing

Revise: moment she --> moment, she

> more than simmer in her own juices while the cats fooled around with the
> equipment, setting it up for something which was far beyond her
> technical expertise.

Oh yeah. Earlier on, you used Cats. Now you're using cats. When should
you use "Cats" and when should you use "cats" when referring to the
Phantom Cats? This is for consistency's sake, I assure.

> “Aiyah! What mangy hairball mean?” Tigra asked.

Huh. Something just occurred to me. I'm sorry if I've asked this
earlier on, but how does "Tigra" work considering that "Elektra"
exists? I don't recall you explaining that one, so is that a future
plot point or is my memory merely playing a trick on me?

> “No need to worry your pretty head about useless details,” Cougar said
> in a soothing tone which only irked Tigra even more. “Besides, I

Revise: which --> that (time for a which-hunt)

> couldn’t hope to explain it to you in less than a minute, and I’m not
> delaying the countdown for a single second.”
>
> “Oooh, pretty please,” Tigra cooed, putting her most noticeable
> attributes ‘up against the glass’.

Awwww. The monologue is so cliche that even villains who have never
picked up the Evil Overlord's Guide already know of it.

> Cougar looked at her hungrily. “Don’t worry. Once I’ve confirmed the
> extermination of humanity, we can begin the ritual of the Crossing.”
>
> “What ritual?” Tigra asked warily.
>
> “The mating ritual between the Balkatar, which is myself, and the Tigra,
> which is you. Our union will open up a dimensional gateway between this
> dimension and ours, which will enable the pride to come to a rich,
> fertile, and humanless planet.”

Tigra: Typical chauvinist. If it about business, you too busy to talk.
If it about getting busy, you go yap, yap, yap, all day. Pervert!

> The Avenger paled. “Tigra not Phantom Cat! Tigra were-woman!”
>
> Cougar looked at her curiously. “You keep saying that word. I don’t
> think it means what you think it means.”

Princess Bride references FTW?

> will—“ He shook his head furiously. “Blast, I almost made a speech.
> Sorry about that. I’ll kill humanity then make a victory speech. Or

Revise: humanity then --> humanity, then (missing comma)

> “And so it ends.” The Phantom Cat called Raven shifted her body to her
> ‘true form’, that of the ebon-skinned shapeshifting mutant the world

Suggest: shapeshifting --> shape-shifting

> knew as Mystique. The cries of the disintegrating Phantom Cats on board

Oooh. Awesome twist. Didn't see that one coming either.

> Then she waited until the last moment to place a chip which altered the
> electromagnetic wavelength from one that killed humans to the one that
> eradicated Phantom Cats.

Again, this plot reminds me a lot of X2's main plot. The coincidence
of Mystique being there makes me even surer of the similarities. Was
this intentional or coincidental?

> bloodthirsty and visceral. The idea that someone could outsmart him had
> never entered his mind. He was sneaky in combat, to be certain, but it
> was an animal’s instinct rather than a Machiavellian train of thought

Missing period: train of thought --> train of thought.

Grammar Rule #82: Don't forget to end your sentences with a period,
exclamation mark or question mark, whichever is appropriate

> Oh yes. Already the plan had formed in her mind. Given the persecutions

Revise: Already the --> Already, the

Also: They may not monologue out loud, but boy howdy do they
soliloquize like nobody's business in their heads.

> of mutants in so many corners of the world, she had no compunction
> against the extermination of humans. In fact she would rather enjoy it.

Revise: In fact she --> In fact, she

> Unfortunately the Phantom Cats’ biases saw no difference between homo
> sapiens and homo superior, but Mystique most certainly did. And the

The Sentinels and Master Mold certainly don't discriminate against
mutants or humans or humans of one color or another. They're all for
equal-opportunity human genocide.

> system which had just sent a pulse that had eliminated every Phantom Cat

Revise: which had --> that had

> worldwide could theoretically be adjusted to do the same to ordinary
> humans. Magneto would certainly be interested in the potential. Mystique
> would even volunteer the information for nothing in the hopes it was
> successful.

I'm certainly interested who will portray "Magneto, Master of Magnet"
in anime terms.

> with humans, and that with some modifications, Xavier held the best
> chance of that. Mystique knew better, had lived too long with humanity.

Revise: better, had lived --> better because she had (comma splice,
please revise)

> They would never accept mutants due to their inherent superiority. One
> side or the other must fall. Not all that different from the Phantom
> Cats perspective, really.

Many people complain about Marvel's double-standard of heroes being
worshipped and mutants being shunned, but I myself find the
double-standard kind of true to life, really.

> Mystique inserted several disks to copy the station’s files and waited.
> As she did so, she tuned around….

Revise: tuned around --> turned around (typo)

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellc

> “You know, I believe you,” Mystique said. “I also believe you know too
> much, bimbo that you are. I….“ The mutant stopped as Tigra undid the
> cat-shaped clasp at the front of her uniform… hell, it was a bikini,
> allowing her breasts to spill free.

Er... what? Random nudity FTW?

Furries: (rejoicing)

> occasion. “Sorry, while I have used male guises and slept with women, it
> was only in the line of duty. I am heterosexual by choice, and
> definitely not into furries. So it’s useless….”

Huh. Could have sworn she was omnisexual.

> Again the girl was doing something very curious as she pulled something

Revise: Again the --> Again, the (missing comma)

> off the back of the ornament and pressed the clasp against the glass
> wall. It stuck. Some sort of adhesive. Mystique watched as the Avenger
> pulled the belt of teeth from her waist. Inserting one tooth at the end
> of the belt into the cat face of the clasp, she then removed another
> tooth from the middle while holding the far end. She brought the tooth
> in her left hand back, then forward to the one in her right in a
> striking motion.

I have no idea what she's doing or what her
apparently-more-useful-than-they-appear clothing and apparel is for
even as I keep on rereading that paragraph.

> Instinctively Mystique leapt back just as the clasp exploded. The shaped
> charge sent the glass away from the interior of the tube. She only took
> a handful of small slivers of glass in her body.

Revise: Instinctively Mystique --> Instinctively, Mystique

Also: The shaped charge? Shaped like what?

> The cat girl stopped and gave a playful smile. “Actually, Tigra have a
> secret she share with you.” And with that her smile changed in some
> indescribable manner. It went from warm and pleasing to something else.
>
> The same sort of smile Mystique saw when she looked in a mirror.
>
> “So am I.” Tigra said in flawless Japanese as she held up her own claws
> in identical fashion to Mystique’s. “Small world, isn’t it?”

Aaaaahhh... Plot point. So Tigra and Elektra are one and the same
after all. Almost thought you pulled a Ryo Saeba twins plot point yet
again with Tigra and Elekra. I like this part. This part is cool.

> themselves to blame. Not that Irie really cared about how engineered
> what. He never understood that whole ‘blood on one’s hands concept’

Revise: how engineered what --> who engineered what

I gather a reference to Geobreeders just flew over my head yet again. (sigh)

> In any case with the apparent success of his organization’s stated goal,

Revise: In any case with --> In any case, with (missing comma)

> Tigra emerged from the pod, covered in a healthy amount of blood. While
> there were missing streaks of fur from several parts of her body, and
> one patch missing near her abdomen, there were no open wounds upon her.
> Still she looked very much the worse for wear.

Revise: Still she --> Still, she

Dammit, discretionary shot. On the other hand, the casualties this fic
has made of both the Marvel and Anime Universes are about equal. Kill
a Haruhi here, murder a Mystique there, and get rid of the White Cross
boy group as well.

> “If Tigra hear someone say she Phantom Cat one more time that person
> find out what it mean to ‘bleed out’!” she snarled.

Revise: time that --> time, that (comma)

> “Very tragic accident. Poor girl fall on own fake claws. Several times.
> Too, too clumsy.”

Heh.

> “I see.” Irie put a hand into his pocket, which held a small transmitter
> with a button on it. He pushed the button. When the cat girl’s claws
> didn’t detonate and blow her hands off, he assumed it was not Mystique
> in disguise.

Ah. It's hard to keep up with these people, especially since they're
all little David Xanatos types of Gargoyles fame.

> “No.” If ice could speak, it would sound almost as cold as that.

Nice description above.

> “I have a special gun,” he pulled it out, unworried about her reaction.
> She already had a dozen guns aimed at her, after all. “This only works
> on Phantom Cats. I can shoot you with it, and if it doesn’t dissolve
> your form in a very painful, non-messy manner, we’ll know you’re not one.”
>
> Tigra held out an open hand. “Good idea. In exchange, Little Man put
> throat in here. Claws special. Only hurt lying mens.”

LOL. I always like your portrayals of Shampoo. This one has the spunk
that the Shampoo of A Warrior's Path definitely has.

> “I think Narusawa is up to the task,” Irie suggested. When Tigra saw it
> was a woman, she agreed to a private one in the shuttle, though she did
> grimace as Narusawa put on a rubber glove.
>
> A few minutes later, both women emerged from the pod, Tigra looking more
> pissed than ever.

Er, yeah.

> “I’ll accept your word that you won’t tell anyone about the events that
> happened today. Besides, who would believe a story about a race of
> Phantom Cats? It’s not like there’s any proof, now is there? Purely
> urban legend, like the rabid albino alligators that supposed live in
> sewers. Only children take nonsense like that seriously.”

In a world populated with mutants, aliens, monsters, sorcerers, anime
characters, and superheroes, this reasoning is still feasible?

> “Is good point,” Tigra acknowledged. “What Tigra tell Avengers about
> escaping non-existent Phantom Cats, though?”

Revise: non-existent --> nonexistent (comma not needed,
dictionary-verifiable word)

> “No, we’re out of jobs. People won’t hire us to stop Phantom Cats if
> there aren’t any Phantom Cats to stop.”

Geobreeders: Yet another series that the Avenging Universe has ruined. :P

Haruhi: God is dead. And so is Wolverine.

> “Actually, I have a better idea. I’m thinking something big. Something
> lucrative. Something like… Heroes for Hire.”

Just don't use tacky disco suits as costumes and you'll be fine.

> “Unless they’ve copyrighted it, it’s up for grabs. Maybe we’ll even hire
> them on as additional staff.”

I like how they think.

> Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> [End Act III]
>
> Finally, everything is wrapped up for this act. Yes, I know this act was
> a bit weak on characterization and moving major things along in the
> cast’s alter-egos lives, (well, except for resolving the Ranma/Ryouga
> conflict.)

It did feel kind of rushed and all. If it's any consolation, it still
read quite well, and had some unexpected twists that make a lot of
sense afterwards instead of feeling tacked on for the sake of
surprising readers.

> So next Act I’ll be trying to move things along a little
> better. Also sorry it took so long to get this out, especially since it

Revise: Also sorry --> Also, sorry

Sorry, force of habit.

> wasn’t all that big. You’ll note I took a ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ bent
> with the Phantom Cats arc (the hero had no effect on the end result)

Yeah, I definitely did. Hmmm. Good point about the Raiders comparison.
Why was Indy there? :P

> Yes, the Avengers weren’t actually instrumental in stopping the Phantom
> Cats, but there’s a big world out there and they aren’t the only ones
> defending it. Also Irie is not going to disappear, and there were a few

Also, Irie

> other things that will eventually come about as the results of this arc.

Yeah, it definitely has a setup arc feel to it, no doubt.

> Next Act will be ‘The Hate Monger and The Peacemaker’. With both old and
> new foes, as well as some more movement on the private lives of our cast.

Yayness! :P At any rate, for the first time in a long time, here's the
list of grammar rules you've broken, yo:

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #10: No sentence fragments.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellc

Grammar Rule #79: "That" is the defining/restrictive pronoun. "Which"
is the non-defining/nonrestrictive pronoun. The careful writer,
watchful for small conveniences, goes which-hunting, removing the
defining whiches, and by so doing improves his work.

Grammar Rule #82: Don't forget to end your sentences with a period,
exclamation mark or question mark, whichever is appropriate

...Among those rules you've broken, Grammar Rule #21 is the one you
broke the most.

Moreover, here's a handy comma guide for your convenience (care off
the Grammar Police). The comma is used:

1. To separate items in a series.
2. To separate two or more adjectives preceding a noun.
3. Before _and_, _but_, _or_, _nor_, _for_, _yet_, when they join
independent clauses, unless very short.
4. To set off nonessential clauses and nonessential participial phrases.
5. After certain introductory elements,
(a) After words such as _well_, _yes_, _no_, _why_, etc., when they
begin a sentence.
(b) After an introductory participial phrase.
(c) After a succession of introductory prepositional phrases.
(d) After an introductory adverb clause.
6. To set off expressions that interrupt the sentence.
(a) Appositives
(b) Words in direct address
(c) Parenthetical expressions
7. In certain conventional situations.
8. Wherever it may be needed for emphasis or clarity, whether or not
one of the above rules applies.
9. Do not use unnecessary commas.

As for the fic itself: Hmmm. "Hmmm" indeed. The thing that I found
most "off" about this chapter is the fact that the Avengers did diddly
squat in affecting the plot because larger, more powerful forces ended
up saving the day. Huh. Of course, I did kind of like the twist of
Mystique being there and Gargoyle being betrayed by your self-admitted
throwaway character, only for her to be foiled by (I'm guessing)
Sailor Jupiter.

I liked the Tigra character development parts and the (I believe)
confirmation that she's Elektra in disguise. I consider this chapter
more of like "A day in the limelight" for the newcomer Tigra, so I'm
not entirely averse to it. The action felt slow to me in the first
parts because, as I've mentioned, I'm not Geobreeders-savvy. On the
other hand, once I'm back on familiar ground, the awesomeness of the
Tigra-Mystique (unelaborated) confrontation saved the fic for me. Not
bad. If any readers out there are actual Geobreeders fans, then maybe
they'll enjoy the fic from start to finish. If they have intimate
knowledge of all the Marvel cameos and appearances done here, then
that's even better. That's it. Good chapter. I'll be looking forward
for more. Next up: Hearts of Ice C&Cing. See ya, DB.


Keep on writing,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have
their shoes.