[FFML] [Fanfic][SailorMoon] Phoenician Scape - Chapter 1

[Bert Miller]

Kevin Callahan wrote:
> looked up at her from where it rested on her chest. She brought
> it up to her lips in the ubiquitous shh symbol.
>   
Suggest single quotes around 'shh'.  Also, you might want
to think about another way to describe this scene.  It
took me a couple of readings to understand what was
going on.

> "Apprentice... the uh..."
>
> "Out with it, man. Are you frightened of what a 15 year old girl
> with a power suit might do to you?"
>   
The entire tone of this conversation seems off to me.
The man doesn't have any hesitation in sounding an
alarm which he knows may interrupt the Apprentice,
but now he's hesitant?

> Teraze sighed and swung her feet out onto the cold marble floor
> of her suite. "We're on our way."
>   
Was this a slip on Teraze's part, or conscious?  We
can't tell, but perhaps we should be able to.  If your
intent was a slip, suggest you have Teraze realize
and bite her lip.

> Mercury, said in an intentionally monotone, almost Oracle like
> voice.
>   
Mercury's voice, I find, bothers me a bit, and as I
think about it, it seems symptomatic of other
potential problems in your narrative.  Neither the
anime's nor the live-action Mercury's voices can
reasonably be described as "monotonal".  You
seem to have your characters's personalities deviating
from the 20th century models we know.  While this
could work, it isn't doing anything particular for me
at this point.  The deviation means I don't know
these characters, and have no built-in reason to
care about them.  You don't really provide any
reason for me to care about them, either.

> Sui nodded as she slipped into her own power suit. "The
> percentage is very low, indeed."
>   
Suggest "The probability is very low, indeed".

> the sort, but reality was what it was. She ran a brush through
> her teeth as Sui did the same and hrmphed in nonsatisfaction.
>   
Suggest "dissatisfaction".

> Sui nodded. "I am prepared."
>   
This just isn't something Mizuno Ami, in any
incarnation I've ever met, would say.  It's
something Rei Ayanami from Evangelion might
say, or any of a number of robotic-acting
characters.  Again, that doesn't mean you
couldn't make this alternate characterization
interesting, but so far I can't say you've
managed to do that.

> The four apprentices were standing at ramrod attention in front
> of their mentors. Each spellbinder wore the same power suit as
> their apprentices, with black boots and black gloves, and with
> the colors of their position: blue for Mercury, red for Mars,
> green for Jupiter, and orange for Venus. Except the spellbinders
> actually had their planetary symbols in the circles on their
> suits's chests. Regular apprentices had a power suit which had
> diodes and wires which were black and copper in color.
>   
You spend a lot of words on describing the
power suits and, below, various other military
matters, suggesting that your eventual intent,
in some future chapter, is to write some sort
of military S-F type tale.  If so, I suggest you
make your intent a bit clearer in chapter one,
and hook your readers while you're at it, by
hinting more broadly at some future situation
where we readers might want to know this
stuff.

> would speak for them. Teraze very much wanted to be the next
> leader, but knew she had an unspoken rivalry going with
> Apprentice Mai, the next in line to be Spellbinder Mars.
>   
Again, given that it is canonical for both the
manga and the live-action that Venus
(Amora) fills this role, you are deviating,
consciously or not.

> course. Apprentice Mai was not a big fan of Mars; the girl
> thought her mentor thought she went too easy on the other
> apparentices.
Okay, finally a hint that the Apprentices
might bear some relationship to the
characters we know.

>  "I mean, the princess is no ordinary girl... and
> well..." She leaned in closer to Venus, "Do you remember the
> time that Serenity I stole that maintence ship just so she could
>   
"maintenance" (spelling)

> that of an alarm turning a once familiar corridor into a hostile
> and foriegn place.
>   
"foreign" (spelling)

> Steam rose from the bath as Teraze's mouth burbled at its
> surface. Sui was expertly messaging the brunette's knotted
>   
"massaging" (spelling)

> shoulders. "Do not be too depressed, it could have been much
>   
That comma should be a semi-colon (IMO).

> worse," she was saying. "At least we now know the Queen does not
> object to our relationship."
>   
So, right after the scene above where Venus
talked about how the Apprentices were going
to learn to guard Princess Serenity, and all
those indications of immediate action, these
two are taking a bath before anybody takes
any action?  I didn't read Queen Serenity's
last order as giving priority to a batch over
protecting the Princess.

> "Well, you must admit, showing up when it was obvious to an
> astute observer, such as the Queen, that we had been
> participating in homosexual fornication was probably not a well
>   
The occurrence of the word "homosexual" here
briefly gave me pause, as you gave us no previous
indication that this culture cared one whit (Sui
wouldn't actually use the word unless it could
contribute to blame in this situation).  Not sure
what, if anything, to suggest, though.

>  "The
> apprentices are going to be pissed when they find out where I
> am."
>   
Lower down you imply that they have
known all along where Serenity has been.

> her head. "Wait, four or five years ago? I would have been what,
> like nine or ten? And you knew then you wanted me..." she looked
> around the bed for emphasis, "...like this?"
>   
So she's fourteen now?  And sneaking out to have sex
on the sly?  In any human culture I've ever heard of,
NOBODY would allow a fourteen year old girl of
her position to do such a thing with a marriage
having been FIRMLY agreed upon.

> So
> if I am going to spend my life having sex with you, is there a
> problem with how early it starts? Nine or ninety, it's you I am
> interested in. I admittedly think it took too long."
>
> The girl blinked. "You would have had sex with me at nine years
> old? I am not sure if I should be flattered or disturbed."
>   
She should be a lot more than disturbed.  That the heir
to a throne could say this aloud implies that Endymion
isn't very bright, either, regardless of his tastes.  He
has no hold on Serenity II to prevent her from talking.

> Mai swiveled around in the command chair of the small bridge.
> "It's because you three are incompetent fools.
In the anime, Minako is a competent fool; in the live-action,
she is neither a fool nor incompetent.  And Ami is never
either; not even Rei at her strictest would ever suggest
otherwise.

> After getting permission from the appropriate authorities-
> afterall, this was technically Earth territory, not Lunar- Mai
>   
Where on Earth is there an embassy with its own
air traffic control function?

> "You know what to do if any particular faction becomes too much
> of a threat..."
>
> Kunzite nodded. "Yes, I do."
>   
> The King drained his glass and put it down the desk with a hard
> clack. "When Lady Beryl reveals herself," the King said slowly
> as he sat down in his desk chair once more and folded his hands
> beneath his chin, "take her out."
>   
Umm... so what was all that about needing evidence, again?

> dynamics needed are far more naval in structure. The air force
> model might well make sense if space where built such that we
>   
"were", not "where" (spelling)

> Apprentice Sui nodded and took a sip of her own wine. "Your
> political and economic goals would not be maintained if such
> force were applied. That makes sense."
>   
You're presenting us with a an utterly immoral Sui
in place of Ami, who would never take this attitude.
More, this attitude makes it very difficult to
develop any interest in Sui as a character.

> themselves, and not their roles, no matter what their various
> attire may have indidcated. "Teraze, you are just upset because
>   
"indicated" (spelling)
> all. "You all knew full well I would come here, and so did
> Mama... 
Earlier we were given to understand that the
Apprentices had no idea where she was...

> bet Mama scared you shitless, girls... So, I apologise. For what
> it's worth. You know what they say, better to ask for
> forgiveness than get permission."
>   
I've always heard it "easier to ask for forgiveness
than permission".  Because it IS always easier, but
it is NOT always better.

> "Permission you would never have received," Mai said without
> humour. "Your mother will undoubtedy want to work out the
> arragements of your bethrothal before agreeing.
Yes.  Exactly.  Serenity II wouldn't have been able
to sneak out of the palace successfully, in any
human culture which has ever existing above
the stone age, for exactly this reason.


Well, at this point I'm not sure who the good
guys are supposed to be (since Jadeite is the
only character even remotely sympathetic) nor
where you're going plot-wise, since you spent
most of your word count on military technology
and organization, and the personal appearances
of the Spellbinders and Jadeite.

I'm not hooked; I couldn't care less at this point
what happens in the future to any of these
characters, other than perhaps to see them get
theirs.  So maybe your intent is that Beryl be the
good guy, and your story is the tragedy of how
she fails?  If so, I can see how she recruits
Jadeite, since he, at least, has a sense of morality,
but not Kunzite, given the way you've described
him.