[FFML] [Ranma] Change Yourself

[Bert Miller]

As always, all opinions expressed are just my opinions.

Technically, I have no complaints (although I do note
a misspelling or two below).  While not a bad story, it
could have been more entertaining.


Ray Gatski wrote:
> Second Disclaimer:  This story is not related to "Easier Said Than Done" and stands on its own.
>   
I wouldn't have bothered with this line; this would be the default 
expectation.

> It was quite possibly the stupidest thing Ryoga had ever done, certainly the most foolhardy.
>
> "You know exactly what I'm doing here.  I'm trying to find out why you felt the need to stand up in the middle of my wedding and announce that you loved me."  If looks could kill...well, Ryoga would have died within milliseconds of turning his gaze on the youngest Tendo daughter.
>   
Both of your characters seem to me to be demonstrating a lack of a sense 
of proportion here, which contrasts quite a bit with their talking (and 
LACK of action) in the rest of your story.  Now, maybe this illustrates 
your title's point, but it's also just a bit jarring.  The action 
described is hardly more stupid than some of the things Ryouga's shown 
doing in the series.  I suppose it could qualify as one of the more rude 
things he's done, especially in a Japanese environment.  And I'm not 
quite getting Akane's reaction:  the "if looks could kill" implies she 
is angry at Ryouga for disrupting the wedding, but if so she shouldn't 
care why he did so.  Lots of women might be curious about what would 
provoke such an action during their weddings, if they hadn't known about 
the feelings (not that's they'd necessarily change their decisions; just 
that they'd be curious and intrigued and flattered).  And, finally, 
while a breach of decorum, if Ryouga rapidly left the wedding, why was 
the disruption final?  Why didn't everyone else just continue?  You 
don't show us Akane even thinking about whether the wedding could have 
been resumed.

> He shrugged, trying to be as nonchalant as possible.  "Well, the minister did say that if anyone objected to the union than to speak now or-"
>
> "THAT'S JUST A SAYING, RYOGA!  THEY DON'T ACTUALLY MEAN IT!"  Akane was trying her very hardest not to take Ryoga's head off, or at the very least not use her subspace hammer to plant a rather large dent in his face.
>   
I suggest you delete the word "subspace".  It doesn't add anything, and 
I, at least, find it very distracting.  None of the other standard 
fanfic adjectives for the hammer Akane sometimes wields are any better, 
by the way.)

> Ryoga grew serious, "Akane, you're the one who told me that I had to take charge of my life.  You're the one who said that I shouldn't blame others for my own failings and I had to start acting on my own accord."  
>
> "Well yes, but I didn't mean that you should sabotage my wedding as a result.  My god, what were you thinking?"
>
> "I wasn't thinking.  I usually don't whenever I behave like this."  This was fun, Ryoga decided, following your impulses rather than living in fear of rejection and humiliation.
>   
Very, very insightful of Ryouga; much more so than we ever see in the 
series itself.

> Groaning in frustration, Akane collapsed onto the park bench, huffing as she sat next to the Lost Boy.  "Did you mean it?"
>
> "What?  That I love you?  Yes."
>
> "Great, just great."  She buried her head in her hands, not sure how to deal with any of this anymore.  "As if my life wasn't complicated enough."
>
> Ryoga rolled his eyes.  "I'm so glad you feel the same way," he said sarcastically.
>   
Sarcasm strikes me as wrong here.  In the series, Ryouga blindly 
worships Akane, and he's just announced to a crowd that he loves Akane.  
Now he feels free to be sarcastic, after she followed him from the ceremony?

> "I...I don't know," Akane admitted.  "Part of me wanted to marry Ranma just to get our parents off our backs
>   
No trailing punctuation on that sentence.  I'm not sure if you meant for 
Akane to trail off (elipses), to stop talking abruptly (a dash), or 
finish normally (a period).

> “I honestly don’t know,” Akane said.  “I doubt Ranma and I will be getting married after this.  The look of relief on his face after you interrupted everything caused my dad to flip out.  Mrs. Saotome’s already making noise about honoring the engagement with Ukyo, she said something about it being the ‘legetimate one’ seeing as how Mr. Tendo stole her dowry.”
>   
??? Is that a mistake, or a hint at undisclosed backstory?  In the 
series itself, the elder Saotome is the one who stole Ukyo's dowry, not 
Mr. Tendo.

Also, 'legitimate' is spelled wrong above.

> “That and she doesn’t have a horde of guys saying they love her like you do.”
>   
Konatsu and (episodically) Tsubasa Kurenai, for two.

> Akane looked down, realizing that she was still in her wedding dress.  “I should probably go change.  My family’s still at the church so I should be able to run home and put on something more comfortable without getting caught.”
>   
Yeah, like THAT plan would ever work...  ;)

> She still wasn’t sure how she had come to this park with the intention of murdering Ryoga Hibiki and was now leaving with the intention of letting him buy her dinner.
To any external observer, she has had that intention all along.  If she 
can't admit it to herself, she still has a ways to go.

>
> Akane rolled her eyes one last time before turning and heading home.  She was only heading home to change her clothes, but deep down part of Akane wondered if she wasn't changing herself as well, and if she wasn't changing herself for the better.
>   
Given that Akane actually talked, rather than acting or stammering, I'd 
say that 'yes', she certainly changed at some point.


Two final thoughts:  as is, not much happens in this story, and what 
little does happen (a little personal growth?) could be better handled.  
The result isn't all that interesting to read.

HOWEVER, I think you could rework some of this into a very different, 
much more entertaining story, if you were so inclined.  Suppose, for 
instance, that you opened in the church (or wedding center, or the Dojo, 
or whereever) with Ryouga standing up and making his announcement... 
when a tidal wave horde of small whatsits invade through the walls, 
collapsing them:  a enormous number of annoying, but not dangerous, 
whatsits, like tribbles, so the effect is comedic rather than tragic or 
suspenseful.  THEN, in the chaos of a thoroughly disrupted wedding, as 
all the guests try to cope, Akane and Ryouga find themselves separated 
from the others, struggling against the tide.  Either neither knows 
where Ranma is, or you provide a good reason Ranma is elsewhere, like he 
needs to rescue his mother (since "that muscle-bound Akane" is fully 
capable of protecting herself...).  Akane asks Ryouga out of the blue 
why he chose to make the announcement he did, at the time he did, and 
you go from there (interrupting yourself every few sentences to have 
Akane or Ryouga scrape a whatsit off the other's head or back).  
Finally, they've struggled out of the flood, scraped each other clean, 
see no sign of any of the others, and maybe decide they're hungry (Akane 
knows that Nabiki didn't furnish much food for the wedding guests...)

As always, hope this is of some help to you.