[FFML] [Mai Hime, Future] First Contact

[Bert Miller]

This more centered, straightforward narrative with a single POV was 
pleasant to read, even though I started out not particularly liking 
Shinichiro as a character.  (Frankly, I was surprised you brought him 
back; I expected we'd never see him again.)  But he gradually won me 
around as I continued reading.  Even though I don't share, or even 
particularly sympathize with, some of his obsessions, his day-to-day 
adult, working life made him easier to identify with in some ways than 
your legion of high-schoolers..

OTOH, I like "who knows what?" situations where many characters have 
partial knowledge, and are trying to figure out things other characters 
know.  But now you're past the point where you have much of that left 
among the main cast.  One solution would be to start using more 
outsiders as narrators:  Roger, the Vice-Principal (or maybe by 
preference the Principal), the trio of cousins, Robert Cooper (assuming 
he isn't a baddie).  You started doing some of that in TSOHD.

John Biles wrote:
> First Contact
>   
The title is attention getting, but struck me as an odd choice.  You 
have the debate on the topic, but that itself seemed a bit out of place, 
especially occupying as much space as it does.  It seems more like 
you're using the title phrase w.r.t. the Silver Knight, but why is it 
appropriate if the children's V-P is already one of his?

> Shinichiro's Saga:
>
>     I teach at Tomihara Academy on Hokkaido in the town of Hiromura.  It's
> last winter.  And it has a nice beach.
>   
Which side, Sea of Japan or Pacific?  It's my understanding that the 
water on the Sea of Japan side (the closer, if I can trust an internet 
map) is quite cold all year around.

>     I understand the appeal of fannishness; I really shouldn't obssessively
> watch the Diadochi, but I can't help myself.
Heh.  Second time you've referenced this soap opera.

>     It's really for the best Alyssa didn't make me read her books of
> Apochrypha until I was too old to imitate them.
>   
(SP) "apocrypha"  (no 'h')  And your capitalization is confusing; 
Capitalized, "Apocrypha" is a singular noun referring to a specific set 
of texts (admittedly, a different set for Protestants and Catholics).  
Without capitalization, it's a plural noun referring to any 
non-canonical text resembling biblical ones, or more generally, in the 
adjectival form, to any dubious source of information.

Given your citation of the "Infancy Gospel of Thomas", suggest simply 
uncapitalizing the word or using the adjectival form "apocryphal books".

> and half the girls go blind and can't actually percieve what is in them.
>   
(SP) "perceive"  (...except after 'c'.  You get this reversed an awful 
lot.  Suggest global search on "ie" and "ei" with a view to switching 
almost all, or maybe breaking down and using a spell-checker {which you 
don't otherwise seem to need}.)

>     Plus, it is Desert Rose, which I hate with a burning aluminum fury.
>   
Heh.  I think we got it.  Why doesn't Nao tease him about this?  Maybe 
he acquired this hate after leaving home, though.

> gentle with her despite my usual gut reaction to seeing anything connected
> to Desert Rose, which is the urge to soak it in gasoline and watch it burn.
>   
No!  Really?

>     "I am NOT," I said.  "Shouldn't you be off seducing underage women?"
> I'm pretty sure he actually wants into her skirt, not those of underage
>   
Suggest "Nakamori's skirt".  As is, the unqualified "her" is confusing 
until you read on.

>     Shin-chan?  No one has called me that in over a decade.  THANKFULLY.  If
> I find out who made that damn cartoon, I am going to rampage.  ENDLESSLY.
>   
Heh.  For anyone with the slightest familiarity with 'Crayon Shin-chan', 
this is pretty funny.

>     Nao and I looked at each other.  We absolutely could not allow this
> argument to go any further or we would both be plunged into the very bowels
> of hell.  Aliens AND creationism.  Sweet baby Jesus, save us now.
Heh.

>   Alyssa is
> probably right, but she can't actually prove any of it, so this is going to
> be a nightmare.
>   
I'm a bit surprised Shinichiro has an opinion on whether Alyssa is right 
on this.  Surely he hasn't done his own research into the recondite 
sources the Magdalenes, Midori, and Prof. Sasaki use (which don't even 
convince the latter)?  And for everything the O/L actually told the 
Hime, Shinichiro has only word of mouth, from people he has a love-hate 
relationship with.  Given Nakamori's position, the physical evidence 
observable by humanity in your story world must point to the opposite 
conclusion, as it does in ours.

> fill in for all sports, though we have a few practice fields.  We have a
> goatload of picnic tables.
First time through, I went by 'goatload' without thinking about it.  
Third time though, it struck me that goats can't actually carry all that 
much, so I looked the word up online, and found a definition that means 
"offal".
Not sure I'd change anything, but if you mean "a large number" (as 
context suggests), you might want to be aware that this doesn't seem to 
be a widely-known definition.  Or is that a typo for 'boatload'?

> it was almost time for Nakamori and I to go back to class.
>   
Did you pick Nakamori's name "center-protector" deliberately?

>     And now I understood.  I don't know why, but they've decided to 'help'
> me with her.  Oh God, this is going to end in fire.
>   
Heh.

>     We finished eating and walked back to my apartment, where Mother had
> parked her van.  Nakamori-san lives downstairs and I live upstairs, so it
> was convenient for everyone.
>   
This description makes it seem like a small building with just two 
apartments.  Later you describe it as a larger apartment building.  
Suggest here you might want "..walked back to my apartment building... 
Nakamori-san lives downstairs in the same building, so it is convenient..."

>     I'm not sure if it was just me, but Miyu looked actually disappointed it
> was just a messed up dog.  Delightful.
>   
That's very self-controlled of Miyu to refrain from dashing between the 
rabid dog and Alyssa at super speed, simply because there's a witness.

>     "You really look good for a woman who gave birth four times," Ookiku-san
> said, then looked embarrassed.  "I'm sorry, that was really rude."
>   
Shouldn't Ookiku be assuming that Miyu and Alyssa must be adopted?

> houses built after World War II.  Due to stray bombs taking out a good chunk
> of the town.
>   
This detail surprised me, that there'd been so much bombing that far 
north.  In fact, what little on-line checking I can do in a hurry 
suggests there was very little Allied bombing in the Sapporo area.

>     Given it was made by an evil god in order to have something to torment
> and rule, it's not surprising we can't fix it.  I want to believe there is
> something better and sometimes I do, but I have to take God's existence on
> faith, whereas I know for a fact that this world was crafted and ruled by an
> evil bastard who tried to induce my family to murder each other.
>   
And here's this again.  In what way are the reasons he should believe in 
God's existence any different than the reasons he should believe that 
the Obsidian Lord created the world?  He has to rely mainly on his 
mother's and Alyssa's word for both propositions.

I'd suggest keeping the depressed rant as a whole, but it seems to me 
his dilemma should be that he either has to believe both or reject 
both.  (Especially so if Yukariko and Alyssa are relying more on secret 
Church records than on what the O/L said.)

>     "What's wrong?" Nakamori-san asked me, sounding worried, her hand on my
> shoulder as I shivered, feeling a burst of utter rage and hate.
>   
What's not at all clear in this story is why Nakamori like Shinichiro.  
Yes, he's tall, athletic, and concerned about his students, but being 
prone to obsessed depression would be a major turn-off.  If he's spent 
the entire year they've known each other being prone to short bursts of 
rage and hate which he won't talk about at the frequency he has for this 
story so far, I'd have thought she'd avoid him like the plague.

You might want to consider having Shin-chan actually ask her directly at 
some point why she likes him, so we can hear her answer.

You might also want to consider having her comment here that this isn't 
like him, i.e. that once away from his family, Shinichiro wasn't very 
prone to this stuff, and now it's back because they're back.  Then the 
story as a whole can be Shin-chan learning to enjoy his family as well 
as moving back near them.

>     "I'm just saying, love doesn't come often and you have to seize it with
> both hands when it does," Nao said, drinking more coffee.  "Dammit, you got
> anything with caffiene in it?"
>   
(SP) "caffeine" (an exception to the rule)

>     "You shouldn't drink anything with caffieine this late, especially since
>   
(SP) and another spelling here.

>     so long as you have no power, everyone will walk on you and never
> respect you
>   
First time through, I had no idea what to make of this.  Second time 
through it's very clear:
this voice, if not the entire dream, is a sending from the C. H., in 
recruiting mode.

>     There is no other way to power.  I tried.  I blew a huge amount of time
> chasing fairy tales and lies.  Some college kids blow money on beer, I blew
> all mine on magic that didn't work.  I should have known better.  In the
> end, it amounted to nothing.  I am powerless and there's no way to change
> that.
>   
This surprised me a little, given that his relatives could have easily 
separated out the relatively few possibilities for him.  In fact, you'd 
think he might have learned something about what real magic looks like, 
and not been impressed by fakes.

>     Breakfast turned out to be chicken fried rice and fruit and it was very
> good.  I drank a huge amount of milk; I love milk.  Mother fried herself an
> egg to put over her rice; she likes it like that.
>   
Yukariko fried herself an egg as a guest at Nakamori's?

>     By the end of the day, my sense of desire to see something be done had
> won out over frustration at least for now.  This isn't about my pride, it's
> about keeping her from getting clobbered any further.
>   
That's a pretty mature realization even for a twenty-three year old.  
But it did take him most of the day to get there.

>      Orion is probably my favorite constellation, in part because it's always
> so easy to find.  It's pretty much a big pentagon with four stars in the
> 'belt', plus connected trailing lines of stars for the limbs.  Draco and the
> Big Dipper lurk nearby, making them easy to find.
>   
Draco and the Big Dipper are close to the North Star, so they'd pretty 
much be visible in Hokkaido at night all year around.  Orion, on the 
other hand, is south of the zodiac, so I wouldn't think you could see it 
at all from Sapporo in the summer (you probably can during the winter).  
Still, you don't actually say that Shin-chan can see Orion right now.

> The government has got to suspect, but I have no clue what it's doing about
> it if anything."
>   
Shouldn't Alyssa have heard about discreet inquiries being made to the 
Shinto, Buddhist, and Catholic hierarchies in Japan by government 
functionaries?  Certainly Haruka and Yukino should have some idea if the 
government is doing anything; they'd be manufacturing any required 
supplies.  Given that Colonel Wang went to school with Haruka's premier 
weapons researcher, there certainly should be some cross-fertilization here.

>     Probably nothing.  It's too busy going down in flames.
Not relevant.  Career civil servants would be initiating or responding 
to any exchanges of knowledge here, not their nominal masters, the 
political appointees, who aren't needed unless major money is required.

Might consider having Alyssa acknowledge that there've been a few 
low-level exchanges, but "doing anything" substantial would require 
money the current government no longer has the pull to raise, given that 
lack of secrecy would make the situation worse (which any involved Hime 
would emphasize!).

More generally, on the one hand, you imply the Magdalenes are in contact 
with many other magic-aware groups around Japan, and in ADOF Akira says 
"certainly we know there are other things and people who sometimes wield 
power besides us."  On the other hand, we see very little of what this 
should mean in practice:  is there a catalog of which deity supplies 
power to which others?  Does somebody know which deities are allied 
with, or opposed to, the others?  Are warnings being passed to other 
magic users about crimson animals?  Have cautious queries been made to 
Col. Wang about reporting "unusual incidents" back to somebody?  Has 
anyone made arrangements for quickly transporting the available Hime to 
where they may be needed in Japan?

Even if the other Hime are ignoring such questions, I can't imagine Mai 
would be, now that she's bitten the bullet.

>     I smiled a little.  I can tell how aggravated she is she doesn't
> understand by her nearly but not quite slipping into actually cursing.
>   
Suggest inserting "that" between "is" and the second "she".

>     "It's inside him.  And apparently sometimes tries to communicate, though
> all it can do is recite itself," she said, frowning.
>   
So whenever Dan hears it, the Namcub is trying to tell him something?  
So there must be something about Sanae which the Namcub found worth 
comment.  ("Your girlfriend is hot.")

>     "I greatly respect you for it," I told her.  Which is part of why
> learning the full story of how my parents met was so devastating to me.
>   
Suggest "..parents first hooked up was...".  We don't know anything 
discreditable about how they first met.

> frustration.  The Heike clan's forces were off shore, too deep for a horse
> to swim but apparently stuck without a wind.  I could see, however, they had
> my Mother and my nun sisters tied in place to serve as figureheads and were
> forcing them to pray for a divine wind.
>   
Heh.  Good thing neither Dan nor Midori is hearing this:  nuns in Japan 
during the Genpei War.

>     My arrowheads were made of red copper and a rose was carefully engraved
> onto each one; when they hit, a red rose sprouted from the broken off stump
> of the mast or the figureheads which my family was tied to.
>   
Could be taken to imply that the C.H. is the primary influence in this 
dream too, at least at this point.

> sounding embarrassed.  "We picked up their transmissions and I used the
> instructions to build a space ship, which you painted with special paints to
> keep the radiation out."
>
>     "Oh, I was in it?" I asked curiously.  Anti-radiation paint...had I read
> that in a book as a kid?
>   
Heh.  I'm pretty sure I did.

>     Nakamori-san was delivering a passionate address which I couldn't
> actually understand but seemed to be arguing that the universe was too big
> for life to evolve only once on a single world by chance; the odds were too
> good it would happen a lot.  She looked rather angry, especially when Alyssa
> responded with, "Because life didn't evolve, it was created."
>   
To which the obvious answer is, "the universe is too big for life to 
have been created only once on a single world."

>     "I just tend to be skeptical because I don't feel you can prove anything
> does exist just by saying the numbers make it likely it exists, but there's
> no actual evidence we can see, touch, measure, or analyze."
>   
So why does he believe his relatives' accounts of the Obsidian Lord?

>     I suspected plan B involved Nao seducing drunken abusive Dad and then
> scaring him shitless.
Heh.  So do I.

>   Mother chose wisely; that could backfire even if it
> would be satisfying.  Leaving aside the fact that Nao shouldn't be seducing
> people anyway, given she's a nun.  But I think she regards the chastity oath
> as just a suggestion.
>   
Well, she does, but she also probably doesn't see much correlation 
between seduction and loss of chastity, given that she has probably 
engaged in ten times more acts of seduction without loss of chastity 
than with.

>     "Ugh, it's expensive for us to stay, but I don't like leaving without
> this resolved either," Nao said, then viciously attacked her pizza.
>   
They're staying in a cheap motel (optionally) and eating pizza (again, 
optionally; they could be eating at Shinichiro's again).  Why is it 
expensive to stay?

>     I'm not sure why she bothers to put on pajamas when she isn't going to
> sleep.
What was Shinichiro told about Miyu's nature while he was growing up?  
The sixteen-year-olds didn't see enough of Miyu, probably, to notice 
much odd, but Shinichiro must have.

"I grimaced, having suddenly remembered the time when I was twelve and 
tried telling my five-year-old cousins
that their Aunt Miyu was a robot.  Kasumi scolded me for being mean, and 
Natasha didn't even stay still long enough to hear me out."

> she has atoned abundantly.  I hate it when my family all turn on themselves
> and beat themselves up.  They've changed for the better.
>   
Well, this reflection is a change for Shinichiro

>     "Neither should you," she said.  "Your sins are as nothing.  You are
> approximately 12,038% less damned than I would be if I had not repented and
> done penance.  And sitll probably holier."
>   
(SP) "still"

>     "I'll be careful and not show off," she whispered back.
Given that this is Natasha, she should have forgotten and failed miserably.

>     Gin looked her up and down.  "Hot."
Heh.  Predictable Gin.

>     "Mom heard 'beach party' and had to come, and then I invited Kasumi to
> come and Kasumi wanted to bring her boyfriend and things sort of snowballed
> and so Kasumi, Hayao, Dan, Sanae, Erica, Erica's parents, Dan's parents,
> Kasumi's parents, her bratty brothers, Uncle Reito and maybe some others are
> coming.  Also, Mom's boyfriend is supposed to show up."
>   
That's a lot of people to go on a spur-of-the-moment weekend junket from 
Osaka to Sapporo (over six hundred miles).

>     Aunt Shiho's boyfriend is Robert Cooper.  He's in his mid-thirties and
> works for Shell Solar as a project manager.  He was very strong; kind of
> ugly face in my opinion but the rest of his body was very nice.  He'd make a
> good painting, I think.
But no description?  (Shinichiro's "ugly face" was used previously; he 
probably thinks that about everybody.)

>     Watanabe Hiro was the king of the thugs at Saint Mark's, where I went to
> school in Junior High.  I hated it, but it was Catholic, so the folks sent
> me there.  It was right next door to Saint Anne's, a girl's school.
>   
Are there really that many Catholic schools in Japan?  (You're now up to 
two junior high and one high in the Osaka area alone.)  If you don't 
have a specific reason for these to be, I'd suggest a single public 
school. 

(These additional two got me wondering, and prompted me to try to find 
some stats on-line [which was inconclusive but suggested that there 
aren't really very many.].  So these two awakened a wavering in my 
suspension of disbelief which your Saint Mary's by itself didn't.)

>     I was kind of annoyed she hadn't done anything.
>   
Suggesting he already knows that she could have intervened decisively, 
i.e. she's a robot or has powers, while in junior high.

>     Then his seven buddies all came at me at once.  I sent one of them
> running by clawing his cheek with my fingernails, but they grabbed me and
> pushed me up against the wall.  They were about to take turns whipping my
> ass when Miyu grabbed two of them, one in each hand and used them as clubs
> to clear out the rest.
>   
And, of course, if he didn't already know, this confirmed it.  Given 
he's not recollecting any surprise, he must have already known.

> the two of us slipped back to the adult group to play some volleyball.
>   
Heh.  It would have been interesting to have Natasha, Kasumi, and 
Crystal play a little volleyball here, all trying hard NOT to do 
superhuman leaps or spikes.  And in Kasumi's case, to actually remember 
to come back down after a spike.  Although possibly Crystal doesn't 
enjoy playing volleyball.

> or Child," Reito said.  "Yet.  And Shun has shown signs that he might become
> the Sixth Child."
>
>     I frowned.  I shouldn't be jealous, but I am.
Heh.  And if Shun has to turn female to use the power?

>     "You can start swimming with me every day," Reito said.  "That will get
> you in better shape."
>   
Just the two of them, swimming together every day?  That might have 
another result as well.

>     I stomped his way.  "Shouldn't you be running your temple instead of
> harassing young women?" I asked.
>   
It's "shrine", not "temple", unless you're making a point of Shinichiro 
being incorrect to the priest out of anger.  I don't think it's 
plausible that Shinichiro could confuse "jinja" and "otera" in Japanese, 
so having him confuse the words in English doesn't work for me.

>     "I am just walking along the beach," he said.  "I cannot go blind just
> because young ladies are here.  Besides, all flesh is a trap and an
> illusion."
>   
Kind of a Buddhist observation, not that it's implausible that a Shinto 
priest would be well-educated in Buddhist concepts (Shinto not having 
any real equivalent body of doctrine).

>     "Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest?" Aunt Midori and Professor
> Sasaki said in unison, then laughed.
>   
Heh.

>     "You're the bastard who used to peep on me back at the temple!  Who was
>   
And it's REALLY implausible that Shiho would use "otera" for her 
family's shrine.  Suggest "..on me at my family's shrine!"

>     We ended up with a huge amount of barbeque being delivered.  Mr. Cooper
> ordered it and paid for it all.  I think he likes to show off his money.
>
>     He certainly was showing it off.  And man, it was great barbeque.
>   
Is there an awful lot of specifically Southern food and drink in this 
story, or is it just me?  (Next they'll be chowing down on black-eyed 
peas and collard greens.)

> chatting with her boyfriend.  Oddly, he was staring very intently at her
> legs the whole time as he ate and talked to her.  Which seemed odd to me,
> though admittedly, Kasumi has very strong legs and I expect he's a leg man.
> He didn't look so much horny as determined, though.  Why determinedly stare
> at someone's legs?
>   
Cause he's trying to figure out why shey're so strong and fast?  Maybe 
he's wondering about new,
breakthrough nanites? 

> He was actually very good, to my surprise with a good grasp of anatomy.
>   
Suggest second comma after 'surprise'.

>     I blinked at the picture of Aunt Akira and Uncle Takumi; he can do
> slender women, too.  In fact...  "Did you get Sanae to model for you?"
>
>     He stared at me.  "You can tell?"
>   
Heh.

>     What a great guy, I thought.
Right.  Somehow I don't think so.  Though it'd be nice, I suppose, to 
have him just be an innocent bystander, maybe even an ally.  Or maybe 
he'll be the first victim of whoever is trying to swap the U.S. Robots 
brains out and battlemecha brains in on the Osaka solar maintenance 
force, and Shiho will go mad again, trying to avenge his murder. 

  "Shiho, listen to me... I haven't much time... I know too much.  
They're coming for me.  Listen, the brains are-
   AARRRGH!" -bzzzzzz.


>     "Well, when I got lost, I dreamed this princess wearing a black and
> silver dress saved me from being lost and helped me get home.  Which was
> silly as princesses don't roam around the backwoods of Japan.  Anyway, I
> dreamed of her again."
Heh.  No sillier than what happened to a certain Vice-Principal of our 
acquaintance when she was a little girl.

>     Apparently, a glowing hunk of reddish-pink crystal had washed up on the
> beach.
Oops.  This stuff is showing up everywhere now.  If a chunk has floated 
up to the Hokkaido shore from the inland sea, there must be quite a few 
chunks in quite a few other places.

>  Ookiku-san had been there, doing homework, when she'd been spotted by
> Tomikami-san and Coach Hosotazi; they'd been out cooking fish around a fire.
>   
How sweet, and good for Coach Hosotazi!

>      About 20 feet away from them was a huge crimson furred dog; take a
> mastiff and double its normal size.  I think it looked happy, but I'm not
> sure how you tell.  Well, it's tail was wagging as the pinkish-red light
> played over it.  Nevertheless, it made me shiver as fear rose up inside me.
> It almost certainly had to be one of the Crimson Huntsman's monsters, given
> what the folks had told me about them.  And my family is hundreds of
> kilometers away and can't possibly stop it there is no one here but ME and
> Ume-san!
>   
That sentence needs an "and" or a semicolon after "stop it".  Or maybe 
an exclamation point and start a new sentence?

>     But wait, Saint Vrus was white and this is black.  And there are four
> knights in a chess set.
>   
Shin-chan is losing it.  Miyu has to remind him later that this is black 
and St. Vrus is white.

> said.  "We're in a boat trying to chase down a flying haemovore orphan."
>   
A vampire?  Any resemblance to Alyssa's and Miyu's original vampire?

>     "Saint Vrus is here and it's eating a giant crimson hound," I whispered
> into the phone.
>   
Suggest "a black version of Saint Vrus is here..."

>     "I do not think we could reach your location in any less than eight or
> nine hours, as it is nearly 7 hours of flying time and we would have to
> secure transporation and pass the usual flight bureaucracy twice.  Assuming
> we could even get a flight this late."
>   
Reito doesn't have a private plane and a pilot's license?  (Not that he 
could probably do much better in a prop plane; it'd take a private jet.)

>     I don't think the police can stop this but maybe...well, given it's a
> minimum of six hours, maybe more, for one of my aunts to get up here,
> assuming there even is a bullet train at this hour...  "Call them," I told
>   
I didn't realize until the third reading that Shinichiro's "my aunts" 
here is referring to Aunt Akira and/or
Aunt Akane, not to Miyu, Alyssa, et. al.  I thought this was just an 
inadequate repeat of what Miyu
told him earlier.  Suggest "for one of my other aunts.."

And given that Shinkansen from Tokyo to Sapporo today is something like 
14 hours, he's badly underestimating the time required (partly because 
it appears the Shinkansen doesn't go that far.  You have to switch in 
northern Honshu to a slower train to go through the tunnel).  
Admittedly, the Shinkansen in 2028 might be faster.

>     I really wish I didn't have a life where I had cause to memorize the
> standard prayer to Saint Jude, patron saint of lost causes and forlorn hopes
> and last resorts.
>   
LOL!

>     It was a wonderful summer day and my students were hard at work on their
> paintings.  I'd chosen a sports theme and it was very interesting to see all
> the different sports.  I stopped at Ookiku-san's painting, which featured
> angelic beings who were playing a ball game in the air with lacross sticks.
> Giant hoops floated in the air guarded by goalies.
>   
Heh.  Angelic beings playing Quidditch?

>     "Sorry, Aunt Chie did that to me all the time when I was a kid," I told
> him.
Shinichiro had even met Chie before?

>     Shut up, I told the voice whispering to me.  Sometimes I hear this voice
> and it says terrible things, but I ignore it because it wants to destroy
> everything I have worked for.
>
>     you did not work for this it is all an illusion of saint bosco if you do
> not accept power from me you will die.
>   
The C.H. trying again..

>     "You were willing to risk your life for someone you dislike, maybe even
> hate.  To put your life on the line.  That's the action of a real hero,"
> Nasu no Yoichi said.
>
>     I started, as did Ume-chan.  I think the voice of evil in my head
> started too.
>   
Heh  No-one expects the Silver Inquisition!  It's chief weapon is surprise!

>     "You don't have to be impotent or a monster," Nasu no Yoichi said.  "You
> just have to aspire to greatness and hone your skills until they bring you
> power.  Until you become the best and can overcome anything by your
> greatness.  As I did when facing the Heiki."
>   
Gee, I guess this speech certainly settles any question as to who NnY 
represents (if we had any question about it)...

>     But I had done what I had to.  I had chosen the less nasty looking road
> to power.
>   
True; given his choices, I'd say he did the right thing.

>     "My family killed the god who gave the world its current form when most
> of them were in high school," I said.
>   
Alternatively, "My family killed a god who claimed to have given the 
world its current form..."

> "This character from a cartoon I watched as a kid talked to me.  Science
> Ninja Amaya."
>
>     "Oh, I remember that one.  They tried to be educational, but Alyssa
> would pull her hair out because half the science was wrong," I said,
> smiling.  "She had eggshell grenades."
>   
Heh.  A lifelong obsession.

>     She looked up at the sky.  "It's a good thing the semester is almost
>   
Suggest "trimester" or "term" here.

>     "These must be your Elements," Aunt Akane said. But I had a feeling
> whatever we'd done to ourselves probably didn't line up one for one with
> normal Hime abilities.
>   
Right; no reason why it would.

>     I entered the void and called up Nasu no Yoichi's image to my mind.  I
> heard Ume-san, Aunt Akane and Aunt Akira all gasp as I did so.
>
>     "What?" I asked, my voice very flat.
>
>     "We could see him fade into view and drop down inside you.  Now we just
> see you," Aunt Akira said.  "I think you are merging with your Child."
>   
Oh Ho.  Very interesting.  Just like Rosewind's Vice Principal, except 
that in this story, the merging image need bear no resemblance 
whatsoever to the underlying reality.  Instead its reflects a personal 
choice, based on some figure idolized during childhood (which also fits, 
kind of).

>     I was not feeling any urge to commit homicide on my aunts, which I hoped
> was a good omen.
>   
Heh.  Kind of paranoid, are we?  Although he's probably expecting that 
motive(O.L). = motive(S.K.)

>     However, the town officially had no known magic points in the Magdalene
> Records, according to one of Mother's friends in the Order who had looked it
> up for her.
>   
Heh.  One of Mother Superior Nanami's trio of flunkies?

>     The next morning, however, the town newssite announced 'Shrine Priest
> gone missing, Police Baffled'.  The priest of the shrine had apparently just
> vanished with no sign of violence and all his meager possessions left
> behind.
>   
Hmm... And just where, Mr. Cooper, were you last night?

>     We kept searching and couldn't find a magic zone.  The shrine was
> quiescent.  Now, anyway.  The combination of missing priest, the tendency of
> shrines to be built over weakpoints, and a lack of other evidence made us
> conclude that the priest had something to do with it but he'd flown the coop
> or perhaps been taken when his hound got eaten. But why hadn't he been there
> with it?
>   
Went poof?  Like a Black Valley summoner?

>     My aunts went back and we finished out the semester and turned our
> grades in; I had to miss Aunt Mai's birthday party because I had to get
> Finals graded by Monday and her birthday was on Saturday.  (For that matter,
> Monday was Crystal's birthday and Tuesday would be Natasha's.)  I made sure
> to send them presents.
>   
So are Crystal and Natasha now 16 or now 17?  If they've just turned 16, 
which seems to better fit
their grade in school, then they've been 15 in all your stories so far.  
Given that Crystal was complaining not long ago (ADOF) that it's two 
years until her eighteenth birthday, suggest they've been 15 and are now 16.

>     "Hmm," she said.  "Have you met Natsuki's new boyfriend?"
>
>     "Mr. Smith?  I've only heard vague stories."
>
>     "He may possess a Child," Aunt Shizuru said.  "His assistant Dorothy
> definitely possesses the physical prowness of a Hime," she continued.  "But
>   
(SP) "prowess"

>     "I wonder if he will approach other men in our family," Aunt Shizuru
> said.
>
>     "Maybe," I said.  "Uncle Yuuichi, I think, has enough skill to appeal.
> I think...if this is the Silver Knight...he's looking for people who have
> worked hard to become good at something.  And who want to do great deeds
> with it.  That would be Uncle Yuuichi all over."
Heh.  Yep.

>     "Some nun was running around having intercourse with the teachers and
> got pregnant," Ume's mother said.  "What a terrible person.  Probably ended
> up a prostitute."
>   
Heh.

>     "And the art teacher set the place on fire as a performance piece,"
>   
Heh.  Even better.

>     She hugged me tightly.  "It's okay.  You shouldn't feel guilty because
> of how you were concieved."
>   
(SP) "conceived".  (except after 'c')

>     "You just don't want to admit the real reason you claim to hate
> Natasha's boyfriend is that you're hot for him," Nao said to her.
>
>     "I AM NOT HOT FOR THAT LITTLE FREAK!" Alyssa shouted.
>   
Heh.


Looking forward to the next story.