[FFML] [Mai Hime] The Sword of the Lord (Full I hope)

[John Biles]

The Sword of the Lord

By John Biles

Series:  Mai Hime (distant aftermath)

*****************

    In the dark corners of the world, things are breeding, ancient things,
which ruled this world before man.  There are things within only a few miles
of some major cities that, if set free, would turn the blood of men to ice
and fire, which would shatter the thin veneer which is all that holds
mankind separate from its savage ancestors.

    Their power is rising, and the stars moving into place.  Their
prophecies speak of their inevitable victory, that the time comes when
mankind shall be as the Great Old Ones, 'free and wild and beyond good and
evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and
revelling in joy'.

    I have felt it myself, the call of the darkness that seeps into your
soul when it seems there is only pain and death in the world, the temptation
to cast all rules aside and live only for your own pleasure, your own
vengeance.  Power without responsibility inevitably leads to the abuse of
power, a spiral down into the darkness.

    That's why, these days, I kill these motherfuckers and take their
stuff.  The Obsidian Lord's relatives may inevitably triumph now that the
Festival that held them at bay has ended, but not on my watch.  Especially
not when they tend to be loaded.

    I kill monsters for God these days, though I'm not sure if he exists.
I've seen things I can't explain in any other way, and yet, what kind of God
would let a world this fucked up exist?  Let the kind of bullshit that
happened to me and my Mother happen?  And yet, in the end, she was healed
and so was I.

    Sometimes, I wonder if Mai brainwashed us all to go all fluffy, when she
won the Festival.  But then, I think I'd be more fluffy if I WAS
brainwashed.  Except for Midori and her old boytoy, I don't think any of
us...well, Yukariko can be nice, when she's not pissed off, anyway.  Reito
seems nice, but I think it's part of his endless quest to reassure us that
he isn't possessed today.

    Most of us who lived through the Festival wussed out, ran off to live
normal lives.  But not my monster-hunting squad pals.  The existence of the
Festival made it too likely that other such events were also out there.  And
we determined to ensure an end to such things, to crush the monsters.

    But their numbers are rising and they're getting stronger.  The places
where magic works are getting more numerous, larger, and spreading.  That's
useful so far as ass-kicking these fuckers go; the holy weaponry from the
Order is nice, but my Weapon and my Child are nicer.

    Though I have to admit that jeep mounted machinegun of Midori's is
pretty sweet.  I remember when we were in Morocco, and the Professor mowed
down forty cultists with that thing.  Bodyparts flying everywhere, blood on
the rocks, cultists screaming as bullets ripped them in half...

    Okay, getting too excited.

    It's sweet, I'll leave it at that.  I prefer melee weapons myself, as my
aim isn't so great, I've found.  But still...

    So what's it like?  Sure, I can tell you a story.  How about the time we
had to deal with the damn blue goblins.  Yeah.

************

    It was a boring Saturday afternoon.  I was supposed to be hearing
confessions while Sister Alyssa and Mother Yukariko finally got the parish
office in order and Sister Miyu was trying to repair the damage the
hailstorm had done to the roof back in the winter.  It was raining lightly
outside, contributing to the distinct lack of confessions.

    So I was leaning back in my chair, slowly working my way through
Peterson's Guide to Aquatic Horrors.  I'm not much of a reader, but Midori
had been making noises about being close to discovering the location of
Atlantis.  I knew, perhaps divine revelation, perhaps just habit, it would
no doubt be swarming with nasties.  I had a copy of the Magdalenan
Underwater Operations Manual sitting to one side, ready for my perusal.  I
had to read this thing during my training, but I forgot it all; we just
don't go underwater that much.

    I heard movement on the other side of the grille.  "That you, Alyssa?" I
asked.

    "No, sister," some girl said.  Sounded like a teenager.  Probably in
some kind of trouble; those are the ones who choose the privacy booth
instead of face to face, I've learned.  "I just don't know what to do."

    Almost certainly teen pregnancy.  "Are you on the pill?" I asked.

    "I had aspirin for my headache earlier, yes," she said.

    I fought the urge to bash the wall with my head.  "Birth control," I
said.

    "No, sister, but my boyfriend...he used...he used..."  She began to
cry.

    "A condom?" I asked hopefully.  I'm not supposed to be pimping birth
control, but the Magdalenes get a lot of leeway since we constantly face
death.  Also, our order was founded by a prostitute, and non-practical
whores die quickly.

    "Yes, sister, but it didn't stop..."

    "Are you pregnant?" I asked.

    "No...I don't think so..."

    I sighed.  "When we're done, go see Sister Alyssa or Mother Yukariko.
She can give you a home pregnancy test.  So it tore?"

    "No, sister, this thing came out of the woods and attacked us!  We got
away, but he started acting all weird and now he's run off into the woods
and..."  She started to cry.

    Fuck, a lycanthrope, I thought.  Alyssa could give you the big fancy
science of occultism explanation of them, but in short, unlike most
monsters, lycanthropy is an infectious monster.  Tiny bacterial 'orphans'
infest you and periodically build up, triggering transformation to a monster
form.  You rampage a while, and then your body burns off most of them and
they start building up again.  It has to do with adrenaline or some such
shit.  The full moon thing is just a myth; stress is more likely to trigger
a bloom.

     Anyway, if we can catch this guy, Miyu can probably purge him, I
thought.  With her nanomachines and stuff.

    "Did he start craving raw meat?  Refuse to eat vegetables?  Stop wearing
clothing?" I asked.

    "He'd go topless all the time and sing and eat nothing but fruits and
vegetables," she said.  "And he went all...he lost interest in sex!"

    What a fucked up bastard, I thought.  But almost intriguing in that I'd
never seen anything like this before.  Some sort of were-hippy lycanthropy
strain?

    "Did he start wearing tye-dyed shirts?"

    "No, but he wore his ski-cap all the time."

    "But no shirt," I said.

    "No shirt."  Depending on how he looks, could be a bonus, could be a
negative.

    "Alright.  We will see if we can help you, young one.  Go to the office
and tell Sister Alyssa and Mother Yukariko everything.  And say fifteen Hail
Marys and Our Fathers as your penance for your premarital sex."  Gotta make
that nominal effort.  If she hadn't been using birth control, THEN I would
have made her do several hundred.  Well, he did it, but at least she showed
some minimal sense.

    Like I said, I'm not the best of all nuns.

    I listened to mumbled prayers and waited until the official confession
hours were over, then called Midori, so we could all discuss what we knew.

**************

    "Hyperborean goblinism," Midori said.  "Originally created by Eikoleo
the Wise, in order to raise an army to conquer the port of Shadoleo and to
build his grand palace.  Now that the drugs and magics used to keep them in
their docile mode are long lost, they likely waver between docile servitude
and fits of psychosis."

    "They form one of several sources of Japanese legends about onis," the
Professor said.  He and Midori tend to be a double act; it's kind of creepy
at times, watching them basically continue each other's thoughts.  "It is
unclear how true the legends about beans are, but it wouldn't hurt to carry
some."

    "Beans?" Alyssa asked.

    "You can repel onis with beans, supposedly," Miyu told her.

    Alyssa nodded.

    "Is this lycanthropy or a permanent transmutation?" I asked.

    "Eventually permanent," the Professor said.  "But possibly reversible.
The legend of Ashkent Cro indicates he once purged his infected uncle
successfully, anyway."

    "So why the appearance now?" I asked.

    "Probably someone found something infection-bearing; there's likely
going to be multiple victims," Midori said.

    "How tough are they?"

    "Assuming that there's not anything worse," Midori began.

    THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING WORSE, DAMMIT.

    "They're about as strong as a bear.  In combat mode, they have short
claws and sharp teeth; they will seek to infect rather than kill if
possible."

    Ripe for the ass-kicking, then.  Good.

    "Once we locate the nest, I will prepare counter-agents to neutralize
it; best we avoid a pointless fight," Miyu said.

    Midori looked at her and said, "As in, turning them back to normal,
right?"

    There was a pause, and Miyu said, "Of course."

    Like myself, Miyu recognizes sometimes you have to burn the village to
save other villages.  But she's a little too prone to burn first, worry
about whether it was necessary later.  Like, maybe, in the 25th century.

    "What are the odds that Eikoleo the Wise has been reincarnated or
possessed someone and is resuming his project?" Alyssa asked.  On our good
missions, she's usually the one who intuits this sort of thing.

    On the bad missions, she intuits something wrong and we ass-fuck
ourselves, or often as bad, she just doesn't intuit anything at all.

    Mother Yukariko finally put down her coffee.  She tends to keep quiet
and listen to us all bicker during these meetings.  Or kick our asses if we
need it; she's gotten a lot crankier and tougher than when I met her all
those years ago.

    "That sounds quite possible.  And might better explain how Hyperborean
creations got here, halfway around the world," she said.  "Midori-san,
Professor, see if you can find anything relating to resurrected, ghost, etc.
Hyperboreans.  Miyu-san, Alyssa-san, prepare us some batches of general
anti-lycanthrope cures; we'll hand-tune them if we have to.  Nao-san and I
will see about raiding the order's vaults for useful gadgets and lore.  Does
anyone know where Reito is?  He ought to be here by now."

    "I mentioned 'infection' and he hid under the bed," I said, aggravated.
He's a good fighter, but...well, I can understand why he stays away from the
possessors and infectors.  But it's still aggravating.  "You hired the
babysitter for Dan?"

    "He's at school now," Midori said.  "They're just back in session."

    She paused.  "Oh yes, something happened over the break."

    Everyone looked curiously at her.

    "Haruka had a dream of Nagi raiding her refrigerator and..."

    I began to laugh.  "Oh no, the Orphan-Master is after the CHEESECAKE."

    "She could stand to diet anyway," Alyssa said.  Actually, I think she's
just jealous because Haruka is still pretty good looking and is massively
more built than Alyssa, who is rather skinny and flat.

    "We investigated, concluded it was just a dream, but..."

    "But?" Yukariko asked.

    "Did one of the kids break Mai's invincible wall of ignorance?"  I think
it's entirely retarded that she is trying to keep the next generation from
knowing what's going on.  But so long as they're all under eighteen, I've
respected Mai's wishes, stupid as they are.  Without her...I still owe her
for that.  When the kids grow up, I'm telling them, though.  I just hope
they don't get assfucked before it's too late.  Still, I went over Rosewind
with a fine toothed comb, and I couldn't find anything dangerous there.  No
sign of magical energies; maybe even the opposite, as I felt a little under
the weather the whole time.

    "I've got a bad feeling," Midori said.  "It may just be my imagination,
but I'm feeling a little paranoid.  Maybe just because the kids are mostly
at about the ages most of us...well, a lot of us were when everything blew
up last time."

    "Well, did you take Dan to an active site and check him?" Alyssa asked.

    "It would be hard for me to explain why I was going to strip-search him
in the middle of an ancient ruins.  It's hard enough without that," Midori
said.

    Alyssa sighed.  "Whatever Mai may want..."

    "If we tell one, they'll all know soon," Midori said, sighing.  "And we
seem to have kept them all out of danger so far."

    Alyssa said, "This will end in tears."

    I had a feeling Alyssa was right, but not having any children, I didn't
have an entrant in this old pony show.  So I stayed silent for now.

    "Well, we can go argue with Mai later.  For now, let's track down
whatever this is," Yukariko said.

***************

    "You want what?" Mother Superior Nanami asked.  She's our boss,
coordinating Magdalene operations all over Japan.  For whatever reason,
Japan has more than its fair share of ancient evil, requiring a strong
presence of the Order.  She won't talk about it much, but I get the
impression that she went to a school which was a front for something like
our Festival.  Given how ugly ours got, I'm not inclined to pry.

    The fact that she tends to refer to Jesus as 'oniichan', on the other
hand, is maybe just a little creepy.  I mean, yes, Abba, Father, and all
that, but it's like she's forgotten it's a mark of affection, not...literal.

    Then again, maybe Jesus does drop by and visit her when I'm not around.
I'd probably avoid me if I was Jesus too.  On the other hand, he did like
Mary Magdalene...

    "Access to the Black Library to look for ties between Mu and Hyperborea,
especially anything leading to importation of goblinization plagues,"
Yukariko said.  "Also, any non-lethal anti-goblin weaponry."

    "Yukariko-san, you ask for access to the Black Library more often than
small children ask for candy," Nanami said, a little chidingly.

    "Well, if you would rather we stab the innocent to death..." Alyssa
began.

    "Yeah, teenagers scream real good," I said.

    Miyu shifted her arm into the form of a battleaxe.

    Nanami grimaced.  "I suppose you are right.  But it's not safe to delve
so much into the black lore."

    "I know," Yukariko said.  "But we must take that risk.  God will protect
us that we might protect others."

    Honestly, I think Nanami worries too much.  After two decades of black
lore delving, I'm probably nicer than I was at the start.  Though the fact
that we stay focused on exactly what we need to find out and that Miyu does
the scanning probably helps.  She can erase the more dangerous bits out of
her head if she has to.  Or so I understand it.

    Or possibly, she'll eventually go mad and kill us all, but we've already
been through that.  Death loses its sting when you've seen people return
from the grave, better than before.

    Nanami sighed.  "Alright.  I will have Meiko open the Seal for you."

    "Thank you, Mother," Yukariko said.  She won again; she usually does.
Especially when it comes to slapping her useless husband around.  What she
sees in him...but then, maybe she likes a doormat.  Though I have to admit
he's good with money.  What, you're wondering how a nun gets to have a
husband?  I'd like to know that myself, but all I have is the vague rumor
that someone got supremely bitchslapped over that Sears operative who
infiltrated the Church and she got some kind of exemption to keep her mouth
shut.  Or possibly she just headbutted a bishop into submission.  Or used
her Child to make him hallucinate that she was allowed to get married.  Or a
combination of the above.  That's my theory, and I'm sticking to it.

    Besides, I wouldn't want to be tied down to a husband, anyway.

    I did a bunch of standing around bored while Miyu got us our infodump.
As is usually the case, we ended up with twenty times as much information as
was usual, but as usual, Alyssa was pretty good at boiling it down.

    The armory, on the other hand, was more fun.  Where else but the
Magdalenan order can you get hollowpoint bullets with miraculously appeared
blood of Jesus in them?  Or strangle cords made of Samson's shorn locks?  Or
blades which have some apostle's alleged finger inside the hilt?  It deeply
amuses me to kill something by having Saint James give it the finger.

    I got the Sword of Saint James, even though I probably wouldn't need it,
just because it amuses me endlessly.  I still can't figure out what exactly
makes the tasers in the armory 'holy', but I took one, as electrocution is
also fun.  We also picked up a lot of holy water, holy water bullets, and
holy water cannon.  And the really good stuff-- holy water mixed with dmso,
so when it splashes on skin, it's absorbed into the body.  That'll make some
critters burn from the inside out.  Yeah.  Alyssa also picked up the field
kits we'd need to hopefully concoct a counter-agent to the goblinization
plague.

    Then we went to meet with the others.

***************

    A long boring discussion ensued, of which I will give you just the
highlights, as I almost lost consciousness during some of the more arcane
arguments.

    After what seemed like three billion years of people flapping their lips
at each other, it was agreed that some cult with a stupid name had copied
that old wizard's goblinization methods and had imported it to Mu, of which
Japan is one of the few remaining bits.  Most of Mu was destroyed in the
usual apocalypse (if I've learned anything in all these years of Midori's
lectures, it's that every pre-ice-age civilization ended in some giant
apocalypse and sank to the bottom of the sea.  Fuck if I know how there's
any land left to live on at the rate these ancient morons annihilated it
all), but it's likely some samples of the goblinization plague survived in
ancient ruins of Mu, now buried off the coast or lost under the mountains.

    This led to the surmise that either some fool stumbled into something
and got infected, or some ghost or revenant has risen again and is building
an army.  To learn more, we'd have to go in and kick some ass.  Which is
what it usually comes down to, having ancient history chewing on our legs.

    Fine by me.

    My one worry was Alyssa's thoughtful look.  When she's thinking but
doesn't say anything, it's usually a sign that she's later going to announce
that we have in fact confirmed her theory that killing the giant
flesh-eating troll has unleashed the demonic hordes of Imhotep.  The theory
she didn't want to share with us because it was only 'possible', and not
'certain'.

    "So what are you not saying?" I asked her.

    "Wondering if we'll need Reito's driving skills."  The man is slick with
vehicles, I have to say that.  And words.  He'll tell you...well, we'll talk
about that another time.

    "For a quick getaway as the place collapses behind us to the wailings of
the damned?" I asked.

    "Pretty much," Alyssa said.

    "Hey, I can drive, you know!" the Professor said.  He can drive pretty
well, but not as well as Reito.  Also, he's old(ish) and taken.

    Yukariko looked at Alyssa thoughtfully, then said, "Hmm.  It won't hurt
to ask again.  Nao, why don't you take Alyssa and go ask him again in
person?"

    "Okay," I said.  Reito isn't too good at resisting young, beautiful
women, so sending us made sense.  Assuming Miyu doesn't go into separation
anxiety at having Alyssa more than a 3 second run away from her, anyway.

***************

    The worst part of this job is that I have to drive a Honda Civic instead
of a sportscar or even a nice jeep.  Sure, the order has weapons that can
sink battleships, but the cars are all crappy and almost entirely uncool.

    I drove up to the front gate of Reito's mansion; I have to wonder what
his neighbors think of young, pretty nuns constantly visiting him.  They
probably think he's got some sort of weird nun-brothel going on.  Cooool.

    I could see an equally boring Sundance parked in the big circle parking
lot, with a motorcycle next to it.  This meant the odds of me getting to
torment Mai were close to 100 percent.  EXCELLENT.

    I don't hate Mai, but I think she's being a fuckwit, shoving her face in
the sand, and she's endangering her own kids.  But, ultimately, if they die,
it's her fault, not mine, so if she wants to fuck them up, that's her
choice.  And...well, I still owe her.  For everything.

    Alyssa leaned out and hit the buzzer.  I never let her drive, as she's
terrible at it.  She'll start planning out how the order could do a hostile
takeover on the Benedictines or something and then suddenly plow into the
side of an eighteen wheeler.  She's a genius, but she always seems to zone
out when in deep thought.

    "Kanzaki House," the butler, Yamamoto, said.  He's a good guy, but
disapproves of all the trouble we get Reito into.

    "Hi, Yamamoto-san," Alyssa said.  "We're here to get Reito in trouble
again."

    I banged my head quickly on the steering wheel.  She thinks she's funny,
ahaha.

    "I see.  I'm afraid he's rather busy with the Tate family and his
sister," Yamamoto said, stolidly.

    "We need to see him anyway," I shouted.  "Don't make me carve the gate
open again."

    There was a sound of grumbling and the gate buzzed and swung open.
"They're in the blue room," he said.

    "Thank you, Yamamoto-san," I said.  I do have manners, when I choose to
use them.

    I drove up and parked, briefly contemplating whether I could get away
with stealing Mikoto's motorcycle.  Unfortunately, after the disaster in
Kenya, the order won't let me check out motorcycles any more.

    Dammit.

    I pulled my hood back and headed inside with Alyssa.  We hung up our
habits in the front foyer; they're only obligatory when we're representing
the order, and right now, we would be among friends.  Though Mother Superior
Nanami tends to frown on my mini-skirts.  But she wasn't here, so...
(Alyssa's boring black and brown dresses, more reminiscent of potato sacks
than dresses to me, win her approval.)

    Yamamoto, a huge mountain of a man who I often suspect is an ex-sumo,
greeted us.  "Sister Nao, Sister Alyssa, welcome to Kanzaki House."

    "Good to see you," I said, then kissed his cheek, watching him unravel
like a cheap rug.  I don't know if he likes me or the idea of a nun kissing
someone just melts his brain, but I find it very amusing.  "The kiss of
peace to you."

    Alyssa usually imitates me, though it's harder for her; she's still
pretty short, even as an adult.  She did likewise, and said, "God's blessing
on this house."

    "Follow me," he said, though we knew where we were going.

    The blue room is done up in an ocean theme; I rather like it, really,
with all the aquariums and pictures of fish on the walls and fish-themed
furniture.  Mai and Tate were on one of the couches, while Mikoto was busy
staring hypnotized at a bunch of fish in one of the tanks; they didn't look
THAT fascinating to me, though two of them had rainbow scales that did
shimmer in a pretty way.  Reito sat in a plush chair, facing them across a
small table.  A tray with tea and cookies sat on the table.

    "Hello, everyone," I said, heading over, then leaning down and kissing
Reito's cheek.  "Peace of God on you and your house," I said.

    Tate always stares at me when I do that, probably because he knows he is
next and Mai will get jealous.  Not my type, but watching Mai fret
pointlessly is too much fun to be passed up.  I came over and kissed his
cheek next.  "Peace of God on you and your family."  He blushed a little.
It is SO cute.  Why I still get a blush and he and Mai don't embarrass each
other to death any more, I don't know.  But it's fun.

    "KISSES!" Mikoto said, spinning on one foot, even as Alyssa kissed
Reito's cheek as well.

    I have to say that I still have no understanding of Mikoto whatsoever,
or why she bounces from her giggly catgirlish persona to an adult one and
back.  Is it an act?  Maybe it turns Mai and Tate on.  I think it must be a
deliberate affectation, as she always snaps to serious mode when she needs
to.

    I do have to say that the three of them defiantly living together has
given me a little more respect for all of them.  They're not hiding from
THAT, anyway.

    I spun.  "Have you been a good girl in the eyes of God?" I asked Mikoto,
smiling.

    "Very good!" she said.

    I kissed both her cheeks.  "Peace of God on you; God guide your blade
when peace fails."

    I could hear Mai draw breath; she always does that when I do this, which
is half the reason to do it in the first place.  People with chains need to
be yanked.

    "More!" Mikoto demanded.

    "Don't be greedy, dear.  I haven't even given Mai-san one kiss yet," I
told her, patting her on the head.

    "Nao-san!" Mai protested, getting flustered.  So cute.

    I stalked over like a wolf approaching a hare as she froze up.
Sometimes, I wonder if she thinks I'm gay and hitting on her.  I hope she
thinks that, as it'll make her freak out amusingly forever.  Women aren't
bad, but I prefer men.  Not that men work out all that well...but that's a
story for another time.  Several stories.

    I kissed her on both cheeks, just to fluster her more.  "Peace of God on
you and your family; may God guide your flames when you must unleash His
wrath."

    Mai squirmed.  "I hate violence," she said, staring at the floor.

    "You can't hide forever," I whispered softly into her ear.  "We weren't
given these powers simply to slaughter each other."  I have to believe that,
to keep from breaking, some days.  I've been able to use these powers for
something better; maybe it can't justify the things I did, but at least I've
atoned for them.  Unlike some people I could name, *cough*Shizuru*cough*.
"God doesn't like it when people hide their lights under a bushel basket."

    Scripture is great for slapping people around, I've found.

    "What, I only get one kiss?" Reito teased.

    "Yeah," Tate said.  "I mean, no, one is enough," as Mai elbowed him.

    I resisted the urge to laugh.  Tate was laughing himself.

    "Are you going off with Nao-chan to fight evil?" Mikoto asked Reito.

    "I was...well..."  Reito struggled to keep his composure.

    "We could use your driving skills and access to vehicles suitable for
someone beyond old grannies," I said wheedingly.

    "I can drive," Alyssa said.

    Not in MY lifetime.

    "I really shouldn't run out on my guests," Reito said.  He looked
cheerful, but I could see his feet twitching.  He can't hide those emotions
from Sister Nao, oh no.

    "Well, we can stay and visit a little while.  Certainly, it's not too
likely any innocent teenagers will be stalked and infected on such a bright
and cheerful afternoon," I said.  "I certainly don't know any bright and
innocent youths out there who might stumble right into a goblin since they
have no reason to suspect such things exist.  It's not like people who know
better fail to tell their kids about the dangerous things that lurk in the
shadows, and kids never sneak off into the woods for a little nookie or a
smoke or a drink.  Ever."

    Mai winced at that, and Tate stared off at the floor.  Mikoto punched
Reito in the arm.  "You should help them, big brother."

    "We would be grateful," Alyssa said, taking a cookie for herself, which
she began to nibble around the edges, rabbit-style.

    "Fine," Reito said.  "I will need to change."

    "Don't worry, I'll keep your guests entertained," I said, stealing his
chair as he got up.  "See you soon."

    Reito headed out and I said, "So how is Crystal doing?"

    "Nao-san, we..." Mai began.

    "It's your choice," I said, pouring myself some tea, while Alyssa moved
to hover behind them.  Don't ask me why.  Mikoto went back to exploring the
room.  "I just think that it's putting them in danger."

    "I don't want them to go through what I did," Mai said softly.

    "Well, ignorance didn't save you or me from that," I said, sipping my
tea.

    "I don't want them rushing off into things they can't handle.  Teenagers
think they're invincible," Tate said more firmly.

    That side of it, I could appreciate.  "Yes, teens can be pretty stupid.
I was a case in point.  But it's like not teaching your kids that fire
burns.  The truth may make them stupid, but ignorance means they'll
certainly be stupid if they stumble into it."  I sipped the tea; it's
marvellous stuff.  Yamamoto makes wonderful tea.

    We all sat uncomfortably and drank tea.  I like teasing them, but
really, I think they're fucking up, and they won't listen. They want a
normal life too much, like drug addicts.  I haven't had a normal life, and
I'm better off without it.

    Alyssa finally asked, "How is your company doing, Tate?"

    "We're in the middle of a merger.  The field is consolidating as the
bottom falls out from under the smaller companies.  I just hope we're not
overstretching ourselves," Tate said.

    I wonder, sometimes, what it must be like to be him.  No powers, just an
ordinary guy surrounded by people who could rip him into tiny bits.  But he
doesn't let it get to him, which I can respect.  He's the one really suited
for a normal life, not us.  Not Mai, much as she wants it.

    "And your consulting?" Alyssa asked Mai.

    "Very well," Mai said, relieved to move to a normal topic.  "I've been
getting things done at home before I start another job next week.  Fujiki
Corp needs to have its acquisitions wing reorganized and needs a new
priority list for acquisitions.  So I'll be going in and cleaning house."

    She rattled on about that for a while.  I'll spare you the details,
especially since I only understood maybe a quarter of it, though she and
Alyssa and Tate shop-talked at each other intensely.

    Finally, I asked, "And your threesomes?  Going well?"

    "Yes, very well," Mai said.  "We've been trying out some stuff from this
book, Transdimensional..."  She paused.

    I laughed.  The trick is to slip it in so she doesn't think about it.
"Naughty, naughty Mai."

    She laughed.  If there had been outsiders, I could probably have made
her blush, but they've given up pretending with us, even if they don't talk
about it a lot.  "I can be a little naughty, some days."

    "Mai's breasts belong to me!" Mikoto crowed, then laughed.

    Reito came in and joined the laughter.  "What's so funny?" he asked.
He'd changed into a sturdy plaid shirt and some blue jeans with a backpack.

    Mikoto hug-tackled him.  "I'm the funniest!"

    He ruffled her hair.  "You certainly are," he said.  "I'm sorry to run
out on you, sister."

    "It's okay," Mikoto said, snapping to calm.  "Did you remember your
rifle and your pistols?"

    "The rifle is in the car," he said.

    She ran over a whole checklist of things, from camping gear to
ammunition.  I think Mai's rubbed off on her a bit.

    "Sunscreen," Mai said, at the end.  "It's warming up and you don't need
peeling skin and burns on you."

    "Ahh, yes," Reito said.  He bowed.  "Again, I am very sorry to run out
on you."

    "It's okay," Mai said a little sadly.

    "Well, you're certainly welcome to come along," I said.  I always say
this, she always turns me down.

    "Rosewind is safe, isn't it?" Mai asked softly.

    "It's as safe as anywhere, which is to say it doesn't have a big well of
magical energies under it," I said.

    "But it is still possible for outside monsters to venture in to eat
someone," Alyssa said.  "As the mana levels rise, more and more areas are
within survival range for orphan movement.  We didn't find any such areas
close to Rosewind on our last survey, but conditions are subject to change."

    "Look, you've visited the campus, right?" I told her.

    "Yes, of course," Mai said.

    "And your Hime-sign didn't flare up again, did it?"  It makes it easy
for us to sense magic zones, even if it's not a pleasant way to do it.

    "No, it didn't," Mai said.

    "Then it's not an active magic zone," I said.

    "It might be a directed zone where the energies have been drained off to
power something," Alyssa pointed out.

    "Yes, yes, there's a billion variations, but I will die of old age if we
go over them all," I told Alyssa.  "If there's anything hostile at Rosewind,
it was beyond my power to find.  Of course, if the kids knew the
significance of acquiring a new red tattoo they don't remember asking
for..."

    "So what's this mission you're going on?" Mai asked softly.

    Tate looked at her, worried.

    Maybe the ice is finally breaking, I thought.  "Looks like some sort of
goblinization plague, turns you into blue-skinned humanoid monstrosities
which serve some master or just run around biting people."

    "And being hippies," Alyssa pointed out.

    "So, cannibal hippies," Tate said, sounding amused.

    "We're not sure of the exact cause, but it basically involves
microscopic orphans infecting people and rewriting their DNA and shit," I
told her.  "And probably came from Hyperborea."

    "Maybe I should put on a long sleeve shirt," Reito mused.

    Mai looked extremely conflicted and guilty to me as she stared at the
floor.  "You shouldn't have to risk your life all the time for people you
don't even know, Nao-san."

    "Anyone can risk themselves for someone they know," I told her.
"Especially if they care about them.  But this isn't about others; it's
about me.  These fuckers tried to make a monster out of me.  And I'm going
to get each and every one of these little shits."  I could feel my voice
getting hot.  "They're going to fucking pay.  In PAIN."  My hand tightened
on my tea cup; I'm surprised I didn't break it.

    "Language, Sister," Alyssa said.  She never swears.  How the hell can
anyone get through the day with perfectly clean speech?

    I tried to pull myself together.  "With great power comes great
responsibility, whether or not you asked for either."  Fuck, I'm quoting
Spiderman comics again.  "And I have much of my own past mistakes to pay
for."

    "Surely, you've paid for them by now," Mai said softly.

    "I hope so.  But I have to ensure that kind of shit doesn't happen to
other people," I said.  "The tide is coming in and it's full of jellyfish
and crabs."

    "Butt-pinching crabs?" Mikoto asked.

    "Exactly," I said.  "Mai, we've had this argument a billion times.  It
always ends the same.  But if you ever change your mind, you're welcome to
join us."

    "I can't...I have a child and a job and..." She looked miserable,
probably hoping I'd feel sorry for her.  I can appreciate some of her
position, but 'sorry' is definitely not what I feel.

    "So does Midori, but she does her part," I said, putting down my glass
and rising.  I made the sign of the cross.  "God bless you in your journeys
and your work, Mai-san, Tate-san, Mikoto-san.  We'll let you know how it
goes."

    Reito bowed to them.  "Again, my apologies."

    "Farewell, walk with the Lord," Alyssa said.  "And double-check that
report from the accounting firm.  It sounds fishy to me."

    "Thank you, Alyssa-san," Tate said.

    "Nao-san..." Mai said softly.

    "If Nagi eats up all your ice cream, let me know," I told her.  "See you
all, and God bless."

    We headed out; I'm sure Mai started crying once we were gone, but she
brought it on herself, dammit.

**************

    "You shouldn't be so harsh on her," Reito said to me as we rolled out in
the Reitomobile.  I love riding in a Cadillac.  Especially an armored one
with hidden weapons. It feels like a living James Bond movie.

    "We can't afford to waste what we've been given, like she does," I said
to him.  "You do your best to help us, and you don't even have any powers
like she does."

    He frowned.  "I have things to atone for."

    "As do I," I told him, luxuriating in the comfiness of the seat,
compared to the junker I normally drive.

    "In the end, all have sinned and must atone for it," Alyssa said from
the backseat.  (I always ride up front if I can; I think Alyssa got used to
being chaffeured when she was little.)

    "Anyway, you and Midori pretty much have normal lives or at least
normaller than mine," I began.

    " 'Normaller' is not a word," Alyssa pronounced.

    If we could defeat all the monsters with grammar, Alyssa would have
purged this world long ago.

    Sadly, that's not the case.

    "Thank you, Alyssa, I don't know how I would get by without a living
spell checker," I told her.

    "You're welcome," she said calmly.  I can never tell if she just doesn't
get sarcasm or if this is her way of being sarcastic back.

    "Anyway, it's a complete waste for her to be the giant kickass machine
who never uses it when there's so much shit that needs to be wasted," I
continued.  "We need her.  And Mikoto.  And the rest of them.  We've handled
things so far, but stuff keeps getting worse, and if Midori is right, it's
just gonna get more so until we find some way to nail the chaos down."

    If there is a way.  But I leave the theory to the theorists, while I
stab and strangle things.

    "Everyone has to find their own path," Reito said.

    Yeah, and we've seen how well THAT worked in human history, I thought.
But we've had this argument before, so I decided to let it ride and just
enjoy riding in Reito's car.

    I was made for luxury, dammit.

*************

    "Can you tell us about how long he acted strange before he ran away?"
Yukariko asked softly.  She does the talking a lot of the time on these
jobs, since she doesn't radiate menace like Miyu and I and doesn't start
telling people the right way to speak their native language like Alyssa
does.

    Miki Yamataro was Taro Yamataro's mother (Taro being the infected boy);
she was middle-aged, hair turning a little grey.  She had a hard time
focusing enough to speak.  "It took about two weeks before he ran away," she
said.  "He just got weirder and weirder and started to look like he had
frostbite and then he ran off.  And he ate all of his father's FRUIT!"

    How terrible, I thought.

    "Did he normally..."

    "You know how boys are.  They won't eat what's good for them.  But
suddenly, all he ate was healthy food!  Especially nuts and berries and
fruit," she said.  "But his father needs it for his granola mix in the
morning!"

    "Did he ever sound like he was speaking foreign languages?," Yukariko
asked her as I wished desperately I had a beer and could drink it in
public.  However, Miyu, Alyssa, Yukariko and I were all in full nun
regalia.  Which means keeping up appearances, so as to not shame the church.

    I still wanted a beer.

    "He kept using weird phrases, and using the world 'froogle' as an
adjective for anything good.  And 'froogly'.  And mumbling about pie."

    "Pie?" Sister Yukariko asked gently, patting the woman's hands as she
shook.

    "Pie.  There was a pie coming."  The woman looked Yukariko in the eye.
"Is that it?  Did a pie do this to my boy?"

    I had to fight the urge to laugh.

    "We don't know, but it probably involved an animal biting him while he
was with Melissa," Yukariko said.  Melissa was the girlfriend.  Is it just
me, or have people started giving their kids really weird names the last few
decades?  I think that's an American name, but 'Melissa' was more Japanese
looking than I am.

    She winced.  "So this is some kind of weird rabies thing?"

    "Sort of," Yukariko said.  "But we'll bring him back if we can."

    "Thank you, Sister.  I tried calling the police, but they don't seem to
care at all," the woman said, sobbing.

    Of course not, I thought.  It's not like you're rich or something
valuable got stolen.  Who cares about a kid?  Fuckers.  Cops are useless
pieces of shit.

    "We'll let you know as it develops," Yukariko told her.  She stopped and
prayed quietly, then made the sign of the cross over the woman's forehead.
"God bless you."

    Miki pulled herself together and nodded quietly.

    We left in a whirlwind of blessings.

**************

    Quiet inquiries revealed several more kids were missing, male and
female.  All had been attacked at the same make-out spot, it sounded like.
So we headed there to investigate.

    "I still think faking making out there to lure one out would be best," I
said as we trudged through the woods.

    "Well, my hubby and I could...," Midori began.

    "By people who don't look old and dried up," I said teasingly.

    The Professor just laughed; Midori looked pretty pissed.  "I'll have you
know I'm not a day over 24!"

    At least she doesn't pretend to be seventeen any more.  That never
fooled anyone.

    "You are many days over 24," Alyssa pointed out.  Miyu smirked, not that
Miyu smirking is much different than Miyu NOT smirking.

    "Your plans always involve you and Reito making out," Yukariko said,
shaking her head.

    "Hey, I have lots of plans which don't involve making out with Reito.
That's not how we killed the giant bull, for example."  Damn bull.

    "We killed the giant bull following Alyssa's plan," Yukariko said,
shaking her head again.

    "Her plan got her dragged behind it for a mile by her hair.  If we'd
followed MY plan, we'd have been fine," I said.

    "With our usual luck, the wrong bull would have eaten the poison,"
Alyssa said.

    Picky, picky.

    The clearing held an old shack, now crumbling, in which a strangely
fresh bed was to be found; it was like a group of teens had pooled their
money to set up a makeout spot.  Maybe they had.

    We fanned out, looking for footprints and other clues.  Too many
fingerprints and footprints to mean much, until...

    "Suspicious boot tracks," Miyu announced.  They led up to a tree from
which you could peer unseen into the shack, and away from it back into the
woods.  Also, they led into the general mess of footprints, vanishing.

    "So it is a trap," I said.  Which made more sense than all the local
teens creating a makeout spot only one couple could use at a time, really.
This is why I don't do detective work for a living.

    "Well, the making out idea does have some merit," Yukariko said
thoughtfully.  "Probably we should have Alyssa and Reito as the bait."

    "Alyssa?  Hey, I already...," I began.

    "She looks younger than you," Yukariko said.

    You're just jealous that your husband doesn't come on missions so you
can't be the one making out, I thought.  "She's a nun too!"

    "Well, Reito can hardly make out with himself, and Midori and the
Professor can't really pass as teens."

    Midori looked rueful.

    "I will do my best to close my eyes and think of the blessed virgin,"
Alyssa said.  I couldn't tell if she was serious or joking.  I really can't
tell if she's as asexual as Miyu or if she just tries to act like it.  At
least I know Yukariko likes to have sex.

    Reito laughed softly.  "We'll see."

**************

    I was wishing we'd been able to get the jeep closer; I couldn't feel my
sign coming to life, so we had to still be outside the magic zone where the
goblins would normally be lurking.  So I had to rely on my weapons from the
Order.  Which would probably be fine, but I wanted my Element and Child,
just in case a giant blue Godzilla appeared or something.

    I lurked up in a tree, watching and waiting.  The bed creaked and other
make out noises drifted my way, but I couldn't see what they were doing.
After a while, a blue skinned humanoid, shirtless, but wearing blue jeans
and white boots, came out of the woods and crept into the watching place.

    I signaled everyone by our radios, then got my rifle full of
tranquilizer rounds and waited for the go signal.  There was lots of distant
rustling and the sound of Alyssa moaning.  In a very fake manner.   I could
do FAR better.

    "Go," Yukariko said over the headsets.

    I pumped two tranq shots into the goblinoid, ready to use more if I had
to.  He yelled, "FROOG IT!" and fell out of the tree.  The others stayed
hidden to surprise any friends he might have nearby.  To my surprise, he got
to his feet, though he needed to use a tree to steady himself.  "FROOG YOU
FROOGING FROOGERS!!!!" he shouted, trying to rush towards me while
stumbling.  Until I shot him a third time and he dropped.

    Midori advanced with handcuffs and rope, the Professor covering her with
a rifle, while I kept my post.  Midori managed to safely tie him up, and we
now retreated to study our prisoner.

***********

    "It's goblinization," Alyssa announced passing a vial to Miyu, who
absorbed it in her creepy sort of way.  If all went well, Miyu would
synthesize an antidote and we'd go hunting 'Froogles' as I'd dubbed them.

    If it went badly, Miyu would go on highly destructive rampage and we'd
get assigned to hunt monsters in the slums of Thailand again.  Damnation,
that woman could shoot.  Brrr....

    "He looks like a Smurf," I observed.  I hate the Smurfs.  Hate them with
a burning passion.  Having mother hurt destabilized me when I was a kid, but
it was too much watching the Smurfs that drove me to kill.

    That's a joke.  A JOKE.  Okay?

    I really dislike the Smurfs because they're even more disgustingly
goody-goody than Mai.  Who gets a free pass for being publically bi and
saving our asses.  The Smurfs, on the other hand, are pretty clearly hard
core man-gay.  And stoned.  AND SMILE TOO MUCH.

    "There are no Smurfs left," Miyu said flatly.

    I decided it best I never know what she meant.

    "Can you make a cure?" Yukariko asked.

    "Yes," Miyu said.  "I will require more biomass to produce it in bulk,
however."

    "Time to take you to Belly Burger, then," Yukariko said.

    Biomass really is a good description of what passes for 'food' at Belly
Burger, I have to admit.

**************

    The test worked; applied to the stupid teenager, it turned him from a
Froogle back into a human.  We took him back to his family, who showered us
with thanks and gave us tasty pecan pie which finally got the taste of Belly
Burger out of my mouth.

    Unfortunately, he hadn't been able to communicate clearly before the
cure and afterwards...he remembered nothing.  So we just made as much of the
cure as we could, then returned to the shack to follow his tracks to the
lair.  Since it led into tangled forest, hills, and mountains, it meant no
taking the vehicle mounted weapons, unfortunately.

    I could feel the tiniest of prickles as we moved, the hairs on my arm
beginning to stand up.  Miyu was looking around warily.

    "Is it just me...," I began.

    "I can feel it, my mark," Midori said.  "Coming alive."

    Miyu nodded.  "I will tell you when we hit the first and second
threshold."

    At the first threshold, we can call our elements.  At the second
threshold, our Child.  I was eager with anticipation.  I never feel more
alive than when I am in the fullness of my power with my Child at my side.

    Admittedly, since this was a non-lethal sweep (we hoped), neither would
be as useful as they would be in a smash-and-kill mission, but you take what
you can get, right?

    "First threshold," Miyu said softly a half-hour later.

    Yukariko, Midori, and I all summoned our elements as quickly as
possible.

    Then the music started. The damnable, semi-hypnotic music.  And the
distant chanting.... "Froogle my frooglicious froogle, my froogly
friend..."  And other inanity.

    They were dancing in a circle, holding hands.  I knew this
instinctively.  I had to fight the urge to extend my blades and lick them.
That's supervillian behavior and it gets your ass kicked.  I know, I
conducted a scientific test over the course of a dozen fights.

    It was Alyssa's idea, and much as I hated the asskicking, thanks to
these tests, we're a lot more efficient with only a few more scars.

    "I'm thinking I should shoot some flares to start with, blind them," the
Professor said.

    Yukariko nodded.  "A good idea, I think."

    "Froogle me this, froogle me that, and I'll gladly give you a froogle
later for a froogle today...," the music continued.  I could feel the
vibrations.

    We could make out something...some sort of huge blonde wing and a white
floppy hat sticking up over the trees, a few obsidian spires...had someone
made a giant Froogle idol for them to worship?

    It turned out to be an old style 'fertility goddess' statue carved
crudely from stone, now painted blue with blonde hair and a white hat and
boots added.  For those of you not familiar with these ugly-ass statues,
they're derive from the stone age and basically...take a woman, chop off her
arms and legs, give her huge saggy breasts and a belly the size of a small
town, and stumpy legs spread wide, and that's what these things look like.
In retrospect, we're probably lucky not many man-god statues survive from
then.

    I was immediately wary; about half the time these damn things come to
life and start trying to kill people or worse to have sex with them.  There
was...

    No, we all swore to never speak of THAT again.

    I could see Reiko getting the rocket launcher ready.  Good man.  I
glanced at Miyu.

    "The second threshold begins at the edge of the clearing," Miyu said.

    Basically, the statue stood in a flat clearing surrounded by crude
houses with miniature onion dome roofs.  A few ancient basalt buildings,
half buried in the earth, jutted up on the far side.  In the 'town square',
a red-hatted, white-bearded Froogle stood by an altar in front of the
statue, about to sacrifice what looked like three lawyers to me, while the
others danced around the statue.

    If I hadn't known this would certainly unleash ancient evil, I would
have been VERY tempted to let them finish off the lawyers.

    "That the boss?"

    "Yes, he's possessed by a Class III," Miyu said.

    "So it's Euripedes," I said.

    "Eikoleo the Wise," the Professor said.

    "Yeah.  How about I take his candy ass, while the rest of you focus on
hosing down and curing the others?"

    Yukariko said, "Miyu, be ready to engage the statue.  Nao, that's a good
idea.  Reiko, blow up the statue, then lay down suppressing fire to keep
them off us.  The rest of us can begin firing the cure into everyone.  Miyu,
where is the class 2 zone?"

    "Threshold two is just inside the clearing."

    "We fight from just inside the zone so we can summon Childs if
necessary," Yukariko said.  "Let's get in po..."

    My cell phone rang.  I blinked and checked.  Mai?

    I glanced at Yukariko, who nodded.

    "Hey, Mai, looking for a fourth for your nightly orgy?" I asked her.

    She sputtered impotently.  SCORE.

    "Seriously, we're about to unleash a mountain of whoopass, so this had
better be important," I said.

    "I...I just wanted to see if everything was going well," she mumbled.

    "We're fine, though it wouldn't hurt if we had you and your giant dragon
and Mikoto and her sword," I told her.  Then I told her where we are.  "If
we all die, you're going to have to come root this thing out."

    "Don't say things like that," she said softly.  "I don't want you to
die."

    "Neither do I," I told her.  "But I'm willing to risk my life to save
others."  And because I like killing things, but that part is a lot less
likely to guilt-trip her.

    "I...I just can't...I don't like violence," Mai mumbled.

    "The class two and class one thresholds are expanding, mana levels
rising," Miyu said softly.  "We are now within the class two threshold."

    "Make it quick," Yukariko said.  "I don't think we have much time left."

    "Mother says it's time for us to go play," I told Mai.  "I expect we can
fix the Smurfs and take out the priest, but you never know.  If I never see
you again, give your lovers a good fucking for me and get drunk off your
ass.  Once you kill the bastards who got me, anyway."

    "Nao...," she sounded agonized now, which was gratifying.

    "It's okay," I said softly.  "See you later, on Earth or in Heaven."  If
there's a Heaven.  If they'd let me in.  But if kicking ass for the Lord and
dying fighting invaders from other dimensions doesn't get you into Heaven,
what the hell would?

    Click, I put my phone away and moved into position.

***********

    The first flare going off was my signal to scramble.  "JULIA!"

    The ground burst and she erupted up out of the earth; I leaped on her
back and rode her right into the circle, charging the priest.  I could hear
the whine of tranquilizer guns (now armed with antigens or antidote or
whatever the right word is) raking through the ranks of the Froogles, who
began to scream and writhe on the ground.  A rocket fired over me, blowing
the top of the statue off.

    Julia scattered Froogles like tenpins, while the reincarnated /
possessing / whatever priest continued to chant himself up a storm, cutting
himself and bleeding on the altar.  So I hosed him down with threads and
pulled him up into the air.  "No army of goblins, no evil dark lords, no
nothing," I told him.  "Also, you look COMPLETELY retarded."

    Blinded Froogles were running around screaming.  They tried to rush my
friends, but the Professor laid down a heavy stream of covering fire, along
with Reiko, and none of them were brave enough to rush into machinegun fire.

    "At least I'm not a prostitute," he said, spitting at me.

    "I am a NUN!  I am a BRIDE of Christ!  Sure, our founder was a whore,
BUT SHE WAS GOD'S WHORE.  SO FUCK YOU!"  I tightened the threads around
him.  "So, bitch, tell me what the hell you think you are doing?"

    What followed was the standard 'unleash the dark lord so he will give me
power and restore my ancient civilization, blah, blah, blah' speech.  I
won't bore you with the details because I have heard roughly 2 billion
variations on it.  Dark Lord Tso-Huga will restore his ancient kingdom and
build his palace, blah, blah.  What a retarded name for a Dark Lord...mind
you, most of them have retarded names.

    "Hey, boss, we have a code 4!"  Code 4 is 'idiot cultist summoning dark
lord'.

    "Tie him up, we may need to interrogate him later!," she shouted.

    So I bound him to one of Julia's legs.

    Then the ground started shaking.

    "TOO LATE!  THE DARK LORD COMES!"

    Dammit, can't we ever get through a code 4 WITHOUT the Dark Lord showing
up anyway?

    Of course not.  Just don't let it be another panty-stealing tentacle
beast, that's all I ask.

    Remember the statue I described?  The ugly-ass fertility goddess?  Well,
what came up out of the ground was apparently her brother, a freaky headless
male body thing with the male attributes exaggerated.

    It was enough to put me off men for a month, not that I get much action
as, well, a nun.  Though more than I should, really.

    From my height, I could see that it had a giant maw on top where its
neck would normally have arisen.  And its...

    Well, it's giant schlong became irrelevant when Yukariko summoned her
Child and St. Vrus wrapped it in an illusion of hordes of giant warriors and
then Reiko blew its cock off with his rocket launcher, which suprised me,
both from the 'one man castrating another' and from the 'hey, that actually
hurt it'.

    Midori grabbed her polearm, mounted her child and charged, as did I.
The poor hapless thing, wrapped in illusions, stumbled around as we whaled
on it, and then it died.

    I gave a great sigh of relief.  "Your dark lord SUCKS," I informed
Red-Hat Froogle.

    He began to laugh maniacally in that way which I know means we are
fucked.

    Yukariko was now using her illusions to herd the remaining Froogles into
a group so they could be tranqued and cured and...where the hell is Miyu,
anyway?

    Then another of the damn things erupted out of the ground.  Miyu
announced from the air, "The Dark Lord is trapped beneath the earth, but
he's trying to open a large enough hole to escape with his warriors, whose
way was opened by the rite."

    "FASTER, MIDORI, KILL KILL!" I shouted and began snaring the
freak-man-thing with my threads while Julia, Midori, and her Child ripped it
apart.

    Then two more popped up.  "Miyu, do something!"

    Distantly, I could hear the boom of thunder.  Great, just what we need,
rain.

    Alyssa, the Professor, and Reiko were now working on the Froogles and
herding them out of the line of fire while Yukariko fogged these damn
phallus-worshipping beasts's minds and Midori and I went to town on them.
And Miyu, apparently she was busy playing The Sims 8 in her head or
something.

    Now four came up.  I'm no math expert...but I did not like the math.

    "Dammit, Miyu!" I shouted.

    "Configuring main cannon.  Foe vulnerability:  FIRE."

    That's more like it.

    FWAKOOM, there went two of them in a flaming mass.  Yukariko, Midori,
and I took the other two out.

    Then eight came up.  "Hey, Prof, got any incindiary shells?"

    Rocket fire from the Professor and Reiko helped us take out this group.
The roar of thunder mixed with the sound of shattering stone and me
screaming incoherently and that BASTARD FROOGLE LAUGHING.

    "Okay, you miserable fuck!  How do we beat these fuckers?" I told him,
blades caressing his chin.  "Tell me or I'll drink your damn blood!"

    "Too late!  The only way would be to somehow sever his sacred manhood!
But you'll die before you can reach him."

    "Delightful," I said.  I have no problem with castration--hell, a lot of
guys NEED it.  But I'm not exactly good at tunneling into the earth to do
it.

    Sixteen came up; the village was nothing more than churned earth now,
and I tried to think of something.  "Miyu, can't you tunnel?"

    "I cannot fire blast them and tunnel."

    "We'll hold them!  Go after them!," Yukariko shouted to her.  "We can't
keep this up forever!"

    "Don't worry about us!  I've been killing overeager men since I was
pretty young!," I shouted to her.  "These guys ain't nothing!"  I was
surprised to see her hesitate.  She stays with us for Alyssa's sake, but now
she seemed reluctant to risk us.  That was new.

    Then the flight of SH-74 Coatl Attack Helicopters came zooming in over
the trees in a wave of thunder, unloading a pile of incindiary missiles onto
the giant headless statue monsters.

    I could hear the voice of Haruka boom across the landscape.  "I love the
smell of napalm in the morning!  It smells like victory!"

    Weaker, but still caught by the speaker system, I could hear the voice
of Yukino, "President Suzushiro-san, it's late afternoon, not morning."

    The choppers roared past and I wondered how the hell they'd known to
come.

    The answer dived out of the sun on Kagatsuchi's back, as Mai and Mikoto
rode the dragon-phoenix down, roaring flames across the surviving
statue-beings, shattering them.  Mikoto leaped onto Miyu's back.  "Let's go
down and make some sausage!"

    I began to laugh and laugh and laugh, while they dove into the ground,
boring a tunnel.  Midori shouted, "MAI-CHAN!"

    "I just had this bad feeling...," Mai said softly, then said, "What are
these things?"

    "UGLY AS FUCK," I shouted.  "I think they're pissed because they're not
good enough men for any of us."

    "Well, of course no giant statue-man is going to be as good as your god,
right?" Mai said to me, Kagatsuchi settling down next to Julia.

    "Damn straight," I said.  "Here they come!"

    There was another wave, but this one didn't double and thanks to
Kagatsuchi and the choppers, we blew it to tiny bits.

    "DIE, YOU DAMN STUPID STATUES!  I HAD TO CANCEL A MEETING WITH THE
PRESIDENT OF CHILE FOR THIS AND SHE'S GOING TO BE A PAIN IN THE ASS OVER
IT!" Haruka shouted.

    "You really shouldn't swear in front of our men," Yukino said softly,
magnified to a boom by the loudspeakers, and I laughed.

    Then the ground shook and we heard a powerful ancient wail of pain, and
then Miyu and Mikoto erupted up, covered in black gunk and dirt; they looked
half-statue themselves.

    "She wouldn't let me take a trophy," Mikoto said mournfully.

    "I don't think your wife and husband would have wanted that around the
house," Miyu said, patting her head.

    "Mikoto-chan, are you okay?" Mai asked.

    Mikoto ran over and rubbed herself on Mai and I started laughing again.
"Don't forget the victory kiss," I teased.

    Mai kissed her indeed, which pleased me, especially as it made Mai even
more of a mess.

    Yukariko began directing everyone in a cleanup, but I stayed there by
Mai.  I had to ask.  "So, did you..."

    "Yes," she said.  "What scares me is that she already had the
helicopters ready on standby."  Mai looked a little worried at that.

    "Where's Tate?" I asked softly.  I knew he wouldn't let Mai leave him
behind, even though this sort of thing is over his head.

    "He's in one of the helicopters," Mai said.  "I told him..."

    "Oh, men never listen.  They want to protect you, even if you have to
protect them," I told her.  "It's just their nature."

    The choppers now moved in to hover over the site.

    "Want to come eat with us tonight?" Mai asked.

    "Yeah, that'd be great once we ensure this place stays shut down," I
told her.  "Look, Mai..."

    "I can't," she said softly.  "I can...if you really need me, but this
isn't the life for me.  I have a daughter and..."

    "We're not always going to be close enough for a last minute cavalry
charge, you know," I told her.

    "I like fighting," Mikoto said firmly.

    "I know, honey, but I don't," Mai said softly to her, kissing her
cheek.

    Mikoto sighed a little, leaning against her.  I felt very envious for a
moment.

    Not that I want anyone as loli-looking as Mikoto, mind you.  Just kind
of on general principles.

    "It's okay," I said.  For today, anyway.  She'd never done this before,
so it's a start.  Change starts with little steps.  It's how I've become a
better person.

    Or at least I hope I have.  I'm not a very good nun, but I think I've
become a decent human being.

    Unlike that bitch Shizuru.

    But that's whining for another day.

    "Come on," I told her.  "Let's help clean up so we can all go eat you
out of house and home."

    Mai laughed.  "I don't mind.  I like cooking."

    "I like Mai's cooking too!," Mikoto chirped.

    Another day, another victory.  But we won't always be this lucky.  We're
going to need our full strength, if this comes up.  Even...Shiho.  Ugh.
We've got to get to the bottom of this.  The level of trouble is definitely
rising; I've seen it all my life.

    But why?  Did the Festival really keep all this in check?  Sometimes I
worry that by ending it, we've damned the world to chaos and destruction.
But fuck it, I'll die to save the world if I choose it, but I refuse to be
used as a fucking pawn, even for a good cause.

    We will find out what's gone wrong and we will fix it, and we'll make
all these damn invaders choke on their own vomit.  I refuse to let a bunch
of freaks beat me.  If there's a God in Heaven, he's on my side, and if
there is no God, I'm not going to let some freaky monster move in and take
up the position.

     I just hope Shizuru dies first if we all do die.  Preferably eaten by,
say, a toilet monster.

    Whereas, I intend to go down fighting if I have to go down at all.  Hey,
if I'm lucky, I might qualify for sainthood.  Wouldn't THAT be a kick in the
head?

    Saint Nao...I like the ring of it.

**************
    So that's what it's like for us.  We're the thin black line, the Nuns in
Black, fighting horrible alien evils, so you can sleep easy at night.
Pleasant dreams.
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