[FFML] [C&C] Re: [XOver][EVA/Lovecraft] Fear Chapter One: Look To The Sky

[Aaron Nowack]

And now it's time for a blast from the past, as my C&C catchup begins.

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

Timothy Groves wrote:
> "Release me!"
> 
> Ikari Yui grabbed the uniformed man's wrist, and bent it backward until
> the bone cracked.  A second guard tackled her about the waist;  she
> brought her fist down on his skull, caving his skull in and dropping him
> lifeless to the ground.  She turned and ran towards the water.

Ouch.  Nice start.

> Shinji  stopped  struggling,  and  watched  as  his  mother  dove
> headfirst into the waves.  He waited, watching for her to surface, for
> long minutes, before turning and burying his face into his father's
> jacket.
> 
> Only to be shoved away, tripping and falling.  He looked up at his
> father's cold eyes, and shivered.

Ah, Gendo.

(Interestingly enough, I think he's the single character with the most
consistent characterization across all fanfics I can think of. )

> "Never come back, Yui..."

Although this implies he'll have rather different motives in this story.


> The announcement brought Shinji to wakefulness.  He flipped off his
> S-DAT, and grabbed his brown canvas bag.  He unzipped it, and pulled out
> an envelope.

One day, I'm going to write a fanfic.  The premise will be "What if the
Eva world invented MP3 players?" and it will end with an Ikari family
group hug as the cops take Kihl Lorenz off to prison.  (But he would
have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling kids.  And
their Evas.)

> The letter had arrived quite unexpectedly;  only once since his mother
> had drowned had his father communicated with him.  This time, it looked
> to be just as messed up.
> 
> ~What a stupid idea this was.  Why would my father, or her parents,
> arrange an engagement for me?  She must be a real freak if her parents
> had to resort to an arranged marriage.~

...hokay.  That's not a plot device I recall seeing in Eva fanfic
before, outside of some Ranma/Eva fusions.

> The girl didn't look at all bad;  if it wasn't for the expression on her
> face, she might even be cute.  The angular lines of her face were offset
> by the mop of pale blue hair.  From the colour of her hair, her pale
> complexion, and her eyes, he figured she had to be an albino.  The red
> eyes were more than a bit disturbing, but the really scary part was her
> expression.

...
...
...ewwwwww.

I suppose, given the AU nature of the story, it's possible there's no
reason to be squicked out, though.

> The brakes screeched like a tortured cat, and the train ground to a
> halt.  The doors slid open, and Shinji stepped hesistantly out onto the
> platform.

"hesistantly" - "hesitantly"

> The four tilt-wing aircraft were flying far too low.  One paused
> overhead, swinging its engines to hover directly overtop of him.  

Not sure "overtop" is a word...

Checking online, it looks like it is, but it's a verb.  Suggest just
"above" instead.

> A blue sports car came to a brake-screeching halt inches from his head. 
> The passenger-side door popped open, aand a voice yelled at him from
> within.

"aand" - "and"

> The General glared at the interruption.  "And I'm certain you believe
> that your -toy- can stop it?"
> 
> "Only my -toy-, as you put it, has any chance at all."

Given the "arranged marriage" setup, I'm kind of surprised that it
sounds like something vaguely similar to the canon Evas will be involved.

> "N2 Mine.  A boosted thermonuclear warhead."  She fought with the
> buckle.  "Gimme a hand with this, and we'll get the car back on its
> wheels."

No reason it can't be different in your universe, but for the record in
canon the "N2" stands for Non-Nuclear and is a non-radioactive weapon
with comparable power to nuclear weapons.

> "Good we're running out of time."  She turned and strolled briskly down
> the corridor.  "Commander Ikari has ordered the activation of Unit 01."
> 
> "Really?"  Misato had to hurry to keep up with the taller woman.  "What
> are the odds it will work?"
> 
> "The latest calibrations give it a 0.0000000001% chance of working." 
> She smirked.  "Zero-Nine might be a good name for it."

While I suppose it's really a matter of taste, I've always preferred for
fanfic to not waste time all-but-exactly replicating scenes from canon.
  Your readers are almost certainly already familiar with the first
episode of Eva; this can be taken advantage of to speed up the story by
glossing these unaltered scenes, with more focus on what is different or
internal thoughts we aren't privy to in the anime, instead of repeating
dialog and events from canon.

At this point, a good portion of this chapter has been basically word
for word from the first episode, and I start to lose interest.  I'm
still reading because those differences that exist are interesting, the
writing is not bad, and I have a fondness for this particular crossover,
but it's something to keep in mind in the event you ever do a
substantial revision of this part of the story.

> "No!"  She shook her head, fear showing in her one good eye.  She took a
> wild swing in his direction with her hand, and he pulled hió back® 
> "No¡  Don'ô toucè me!"

I'm seeing garbage characters in there.

Interesting reaction, though.

> "I'm not going to hurt you."  He reached forward again, but she rolled
> over, shivering, away from his touch.  He knelt down and put his hand on
> her shoulder.
> 
> She screamed.  Just once, a short yelp like a kicked puppy, and he
> snatch his hand back as though it had been burned.

Hmm.

And that's it for this chapter.

-- 
           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/