[FFML] [R.5/AMS] Goddess Fayu Chapter 6: A Demonic Wager (Draft)

[Timothy Groves]

Matthew Miller wrote:
>  I actually really enjoy this list, and remember when it was _the_ source
> for valuable C&C on fics. I also recall the best way to get was to give, so
> let's put another deposit into the C&C bank.
>   
Yay! That's why I post here!
>> "Yes;  the number you want is Speed Dial 9."
>>     
>
> double space. intentional?
>   
Yes; it's how I learned.
> BTW the biblical number of God is 7. 
>   
I've heard this before, but I would love to see a book, chapter and 
verse reference.
> This is a pretty good example of the difference between Nabs and the Norns
> proper. They have a tendency to maipulate effects, adjust lotteries and so
> forth, while Nabsy, still mentally mortal, deals in straight cash monies. I
> can see their difference in stances from this. Well done.
>   
Thanks!
> Nabiki sat bolt upright, to see a young boy standing at the foot of her
>   
>> bed.  His grey hair was thick and full, but the cast of his features was
>> definitely that of a young man.
>
> That sentence seems oddly put to me. You'd want the contrast to be close to
> the conjunction, the but, but instead the only thing you have to imply he's
> old is at the very beginning of the sentence. I'd play around with that a
> bit.
>   
Noted.

> Nabiki reached into her robes, and drew out a five-yen coin.
>
>
> nix that comma
>   
Debatable, and I'm not gonna debate it. Again, it's how I learned.
> That's twice in very close succession you've started sentences with
> conjunctions. Not usually a good idea.
>   
Easily fixed.
> Mara laughed.  "You should be very glad that she didn't.  Asherah is
>   
>> your Doublet."
>>     
>
>
> This was one of those points that didn't make sense. If anyone knew their
> doublet, wouldn't the system stop being useful for them? Perhaps this was
> explained later in the series than what I read, but it seems that the
> puublic knowledge that Asherah and Nabs being each other's doublets would
> put them in more danger than it would prevent.
>   
I didn't think of that immediately, but given that they were created 
within a very close time frame would make it awfully easy to figure out. 
After all, Mara likely wouldn't have access to that data to begin with, 
right? Since Bell doesn't have it either, and they are of equal and 
opposite rank.

So if Mara, who isn't especially clever, can (a) figure this out, or (b) 
jump to this conclusion...why not Nabiki, who is much smarter?

Your point is valid, and well made. I just feel that it will be easier 
to write around it than to fix it. :)
>
> Asherah smirked.  "You're here to Bless Ranma.  I still haven't forgiven
>   
>> him for choosing that bitch Akane over me."  She raised a fist.  "He
>> left me to be bound in a world of pain!  I spent thirty days in that
>> living hell, until Mara released me and offered me my contract."
>>
>> She smirked at Nabiki.  "Do your best, Goddess.  I shall ensure that it
>> comes to naught.
>>
>> "I shall make Ranma suffer!"
>>     
>
> Not quite sure why you made that three seperate paragraphs.
>   
Impact.
> "Want to make a bet?"  Nabiki raised her eyebrow.
>   
>> "All right."  Asherah turned back.  "You're on.  What are the stakes?"
>>
>> "If I win, you never try to harm Ranma, Akane or Kasumi."
>>
>> "Very well."  Asherah smirked.  "If I win, you will renounce your Divine
>> status.  Fair?"
>>
>> Nabiki blinked.  "Not hardly!"
>>
>> "That's my offer, and I've already accepted yours."  She turned back
>> towards the dojo.  "If you don't think you're up to it..."
>>     
>
>
> Nabiki ground her teeth.  "Fine.  You're on."
>
> Isn't Nabs the Ice Queen? Why would she take a bet she knew was skewed? I
> can understand her being nice, but she was always the bookie, not a gambler,
> and much of the time she took bets she cheated. This exchange seems odd.
>   
I can write up a bit more covering this angle. Nabiki already knew she 
was going to win this one.

Why ham it up? To push the demon further into overconfidence. Why did 
she know it would work? Because it *always* works on Ranma.
>> "Teleportation.  Seven out of ten.  Mastering side-along teleportation
>> will come with time, but at least you can manage it when flush with
>>     
> energy."
>
> The grading seemed arbitrary and unbalanced. Was that what you wanted?
>   
Yep. Contrast "Only Half A Wish" on my web page. "Even Heaven is not 
immune to bureaucracy."
> I liked this. It was very nice, with everybody being kind and sweet, and all
> that. Very inline with AMS. Not much Ranma influences, which was a mild
> disappointment. Still, so be it. I thought Nabs' personnality had a bit to
> much altruism and virtue in it, but I'd believe it if you said it was divine
> influence or some such.
>   
Or a bit of self-interest. She's managed to get herself stuck with this 
job. The sooner she gets better at it...
> The point I indicated about Peorth lying reminded me that Nabs bent the
> truth into a pretzel yet she got no backlash. If Peorth took some flak I'm
> not sure why the others didn't, especially Nabs who did it out of
> selfishness and a desire to follow an easy road of explanation.
>   
She's only Fourth Class. She probably believes the whole "no lying" 
thing. But Urd, at Second Class, regularly tells huge fibs with only a 
slap on the wrist to show for it.
> What I liked was the dialogue. Lots and lots of dialogue make for easy
> reading. Good job on showing not telling. You also did a good job of not
> adding unnecessary clutter which kept the flow smooth and quick. Pacing was
> pretty good.
>   
Others have had differing comments on dialogue and pacing. Can't please 
everyone...

Thanks for writing!

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