[FFML] [R.5/AMS] Goddess Fayu Chapter 6: A Demonic Wager (Draft)

[Matthew Miller]

 I actually really enjoy this list, and remember when it was _the_ source
for valuable C&C on fics. I also recall the best way to get was to give, so
let's put another deposit into the C&C bank.


On 7/11/07, Timothy Groves <groves_ca at yahoo.co.uk> wrote:

>
> Goddess Fayu
>
>
> Chapter Six of Six:  A Demonic Wager


Some comments refer to all chapters.




>
> "Yes;  the number you want is Speed Dial 9."



double space. intentional?
BTW the biblical number of God is 7. Though that doesn't really apply here,
it would be funny if the biblical number of god was a phone number



> * * * * *
>
>
> "Good morning, Belldandy."  Nabiki bounced into the kitchen, looking
> quite energetic.  "Boy, I'll be glad when I master that
> self-regeneration thing, but while I'm still in training, waking up each
> morning has become a treat."
>
> Belldandy smiled.  "That is because you're beginning to learn the
> regeneration, so each hour of sleep seems more like two."


I want that.

Peorth scowled at her.  "I was trying not to blow your cover!  When I
> was talking to Kasumi, I bent the truth pretty far.  Too far;  the
> Council decided that I ended up lying overall, and slapped me with a
> two-week suspension."


I'm noting this point for reference later.


"Yeah, they decided that since I was lying for someone else's benefit,
> not my own, that they'd let me off light."  Peorth's voice was sour.
> "I'm sorry, Fayu, but I guess I can't teach you at the moment."


Path to hell, good intentions, cry about it.

"So I take it they're on the exam."  Nabiki smirked.
>
> "Yes."
>
> Nabiki blinked.


Ha!


His eyes bugged out.  "What?!?  A Suzuki GSX-1300R Hayabusa, for only
> ninety thousand yen?  Who the hell is that desperate?"  He pulled out
> his wallet, and opened it.  "I haven't got even two thousand...Man, I
> wish I had the money for that bike!"
>
> Peorth turned to Nabiki.  "That would be your cue."



nudge nudge, poke poke. AHEM,

"Yep."  Keiichi sighed.  "I don't think that my bank account has ever
> had ninety thousand yen in it at one time."



This is a pretty good example of the difference between Nabs and the Norns
proper. They have a tendency to maipulate effects, adjust lotteries and so
forth, while Nabsy, still mentally mortal, deals in straight cash monies. I
can see their difference in stances from this. Well done.

Nabiki sat bolt upright, to see a young boy standing at the foot of her
> bed.  His grey hair was thick and full, but the cast of his features was
> definitely that of a young man.


That sentence seems oddly put to me. You'd want the contrast to be close to
the conjunction, the but, but instead the only thing you have to imply he's
old is at the very beginning of the sentence. I'd play around with that a
bit.

Nabiki reached into her robes, and drew out a five-yen coin.


nix that comma

"Somewhere, there is a mortal that needs help.  Find him."



In a city the size of Tokyo, she needs to find the mortal that needs help?


> A five-yen coin is not worth much;  often, if dropped, it will be
> ignored and forgotten.  This one had fallen into a storm drain;  Nabiki
> materialized a few inches above the drain, and dropped to her feet.
>
> "This looks like--"
>
> She leaped to the top of the nearest house - amazing how easy that was
> when you knew the trick - and looked about.
>
> "Nerima.  So I'm guessing the voice that I heard was Kasumi."  She
> fished out another five-yen coin and focused.
>
> And blinked in surprise.
>
> "That's kind of a surprise."  She grinned.  "Ranma, worrying about
> anything non-Martial Arts related?"
>
> Gere and Belldandy appeared nearby.  Gere pulled out his scroll and made
> some notes, but otherwise took no action.
>
> Nabiki paused.  "Hey, Gere...I know we're in the middle of an exam,
> here, but my brother-in-law sounds like he needs a hand.  Can I..."
>
> "We can resume any time you are ready, Fayu."
>
> "Thanks."  She turned back, and closed her eyes.
>
> And tasted a dark presence.


That's twice in very close succession you've started sentences with
conjunctions. Not usually a good idea.

Mara laughed.  "You should be very glad that she didn't.  Asherah is
> your Doublet."


This was one of those points that didn't make sense. If anyone knew their
doublet, wouldn't the system stop being useful for them? Perhaps this was
explained later in the series than what I read, but it seems that the
puublic knowledge that Asherah and Nabs being each other's doublets would
put them in more danger than it would prevent.


Asherah smirked.  "You're here to Bless Ranma.  I still haven't forgiven
> him for choosing that bitch Akane over me."  She raised a fist.  "He
> left me to be bound in a world of pain!  I spent thirty days in that
> living hell, until Mara released me and offered me my contract."
>
> She smirked at Nabiki.  "Do your best, Goddess.  I shall ensure that it
> comes to naught.
>
> "I shall make Ranma suffer!"



Not quite sure why you made that three seperate paragraphs.

"Want to make a bet?"  Nabiki raised her eyebrow.
>
> "All right."  Asherah turned back.  "You're on.  What are the stakes?"
>
> "If I win, you never try to harm Ranma, Akane or Kasumi."
>
> "Very well."  Asherah smirked.  "If I win, you will renounce your Divine
> status.  Fair?"
>
> Nabiki blinked.  "Not hardly!"
>
> "That's my offer, and I've already accepted yours."  She turned back
> towards the dojo.  "If you don't think you're up to it..."


Nabiki ground her teeth.  "Fine.  You're on."

Isn't Nabs the Ice Queen? Why would she take a bet she knew was skewed? I
can understand her being nice, but she was always the bookie, not a gambler,
and much of the time she took bets she cheated. This exchange seems odd.

"Normally, your ploy would have been a good one.  With the bills due,
and no food in the house, Ranma and the girls would have been worried to
death.  But with Ranma finally deciding to accept students..."  She
grinned.  "The Ancestor Spirits responded to the need, not to the
energy.  You countered the Elemental Spirits, so the quick burst of
wealth they will receive will be gone as fast as it arrives, but next
week, those students will still be there.

Not if Ranma decides to teach the catfist, but we'll ignore that.

For some reason my quoted text indicator left. That may make this slightly
harder.

>"Teleportation.  Seven out of ten.  Mastering side-along teleportation
>will come with time, but at least you can manage it when flush with
energy."

The grading seemed arbitrary and unbalanced. Was that what you wanted?


"No."  He shrugged.  "Just your license card, which as long as it
doesn't get lost in the mail, should be here within the week."

"Oy."

And the true gift of divinity. A deep feeling of nonplussed.

* * * * *

>A multi-part fic that I actually finished.  Is Ragnarok far behind?

No, but its shocking none the less. Nobody actually completes a fic any
more.

I liked this. It was very nice, with everybody being kind and sweet, and all
that. Very inline with AMS. Not much Ranma influences, which was a mild
disappointment. Still, so be it. I thought Nabs' personnality had a bit to
much altruism and virtue in it, but I'd believe it if you said it was divine
influence or some such.

The point I indicated about Peorth lying reminded me that Nabs bent the
truth into a pretzel yet she got no backlash. If Peorth took some flak I'm
not sure why the others didn't, especially Nabs who did it out of
selfishness and a desire to follow an easy road of explanation.

What I liked was the dialogue. Lots and lots of dialogue make for easy
reading. Good job on showing not telling. You also did a good job of not
adding unnecessary clutter which kept the flow smooth and quick. Pacing was
pretty good.

Good luck

Miashara
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