When Self-Insertion fics go Wrong
A Saggitarius Studios Production
Written by: A. C. Barnes
Starring: Josh Lowry (Magic Knight Kyone), Eimii Alhazar, Kevin Mark
(Webdragon), Jim Franks (Pentaprune), Gary Kleppe, Scott K. Jamison
(SKJAM!) and Kelly Conrad Davies Schultz (Skywise),
And, of course, Adam J. Barnes reprising his role as the Prime Saggitarian,
Alpha Centauri.
Note: This fic was made possible by the support and sacrifice of Webdragon,
Gary Kleppe, Jim Franks, Eimii Alhazar, Skywise, Scott K. Jamison and
Magic Knight Kyone. "batlh Daqawlu'taH."
***
Alpha Centauri blitzed through cyberspace, having recently recovered from
one of Leela's 'Discussions' (which usually left him a derezzed mess at the
bottom on the Middle Of Nowhere computer's memory stack). He blipped
onto on of the control room's monitors, curious to see what his human half
was up to.
He was greeted with the sight of Adam Barnes, college student and anime
fanatic, typing away madly at the keyboard. Strewn about him were dozens of
Jolt bottles. Alpha executed a quick count. <*Lessee... ten... twenty-four...
forty-seven... uh-oh.*> the last time Adam had gotten this much caffeine in
his system, he had walked from downtown Vancouver to Horseshoe Bay in
fifteen minutes.
"*Hey boss, whatcha upto?*"
Adam's head snapped up. "Huhuhuhuhwhatwhatwhat? Oh-its-you-Alpha-I'm-
just-writing-a-fic-nothing-to-worry-about-go-away!"
Alpha shook his head. "*Oh yeah, you're _fine_.*" He zapped over to a closer
screen for a better look at what Adam was working on. "*What IS this?*"
"I'm-writing-myself-into-a-fic-yep-yep-uhuh-gonna-cream-Kunou-solve-all-
their-problems."
"*Far be it for me to be the voice of reason,*" Alpha replied. "*But do you
think that's such a good idea in your current state of mind? I mean, you
know how you get when you've had too much caffeine.*"
Adam abruptly stood, slipped on an empty and fell on his ass. He shot right
back up and shook a fist at the screen. Actually, he was trying to hold the fist
still, but it wouldn't listen to him.
"Listen-you-can't-tell-me-what-to-do-you're-just-jealous-I'll-show-you-show-
you-all-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Adam flipped open a panel
labelled 'Infinite Improbability Generator, Manual Control. Do Not Press'.
Inside was a big red button, and a sign saying 'Okay, It's Your Funeral'.
"*Wait!*"
Adam laughed again, and stabbed his finger towards the button. And missed.
Alpha sighed. "*Okay fine, you wanna go do something stupid, be my guest.
I'll just get out of the blast radius.*" The screen blipped off.
Adam tried again, concentrating hard on hitting his intended target. Miss.
Then he grabbed his right arm with his left hand and guided it in, finally
making contact. "SUCCESS!"
*BOOM*
Josh Lowry, better known as Magic Knight Kyone, was sitting in front of his
computer, idly scanning FFML messages. "Hmm. Spam. Spam. Rewrite.
Spam. Spamfic... mark that one for later... hmm? What's this? 'When Self-
Insertion Fics go Wrong'?" Before he could react he was abruptly sucked into
his computer screen.
*Fwumple*
Scott K. Jamison mulled over his messages, sipping his tea. Earl Grey. Hot.
The Deputy Bastard Taskmasters from Hell were after him to release
another chapter of "Worse". They had progressed beyond mere prodding,
and were now threatening a preemptive thermonuclear strike. <Maybe I
should actually start working on it.> he thought idly.
*Shlupp!*
Scratch author number two.
Gary Kleppe flipped through the want ads in "Physics Today" (Yes, it really
exists!). People just didn't realise how hard it was to find a job as a teacher
these days. <Hey, what's this? Japanese High School requires Physics
teacher, good background and haircut required, inquire with... Principal
Kunou?!>
*Gulp!*
The universe promptly swallowed Gary whole. Then it let out a cosmic burp,
the effects of which will be felt in 2034 when the Cubs win the world series,
and Dick Clarke ages two thousand years in less than a second on national
television. On to author number three.
Eimii Alhazar had barely recovered from writing her last fic when
improbability struck. She wrote fics the way Akane cooked, with two major
differences: Her fics turned out considerably better than Akane's cooking,
and when she had finished, SHE was the one who looked like she had been
through a blender. The universe was probably doing her a favour by getting
her away from her writing.
*Slurp!*
Skywise was finally beginning to relax, now that the whole stupid revengefic
thing was over. Things had REALLY gotten out of control for awhile. At least
it had got him away from the election debates.
*Chomp! Smack!*
NEXT!
Kevin Mark, a.k.a. Webdragon simply froze as the universe jumped out of an
alleyway right in front of him. He just wasn't used to that sort of thing
happening. At least not on a Wednesday.
*Swallow*
James Franks trudged down the halls of RIT, trying not to dwell on how
much his head felt like a balloon about to explode. He vowed never to eat a
lunch special anywhere until he knew what was in it first.
*Gobble*
The universe had no such qualms, however, and gobbled him down whole.
However, it did admit later that he did taste a little off.
***
Adam appeared in Nerima, just outside of Furinkan High. Correction, he
appeared _above_ Nerima, about level with the third floor of Nerima high.
Someone once said that flying was throwing oneself at the ground and
missing. Unfortunately, Adam had fairly good aim.
*SPLAT*
Adam picked himself up immediately, the massive amounts of caffeine in his
bloodstream blocking out the pain. <I'm-here-it-worked-gotta-try-out-my-
Otaku-powers-Kunou!-yeah-get-Kunou-stomp-stomp-crunch-
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!> Adam vibrated his way towards the entrance
of Furinkan High, where Kunou awaited the arrival of his two true loves,
Akane Tendou and the Pig-Tailed Goddess.
"K-K-K-K-K-K-Kunou! I the-the P-P-P-Prime Saggitarian do hearb-b-b-b-b-b-
b-by challenge you-you!"
Kunou looked up and the rather unimposing figure before him. "What is
this? YOU wish to challenge ME, the great Tatewaki Kunou? I think not.
Begone Gaijin, before I use you for a practice dummy!"
Adam retorted with a witty, sarcastic, insightful yet biting comment. Well,
he WANTED to, but at this point he was WAAAYY too wired. "What-you-
chicken?-Scared-of-me-huhuhuhuh?-I'll-kick-your-butt-you-pathetic-jerk-
you-can't-even-beat-a-couple-of-girls!"
That last comment got through to Kunou. Evidently this was a sore point
with him. "You dare insult the prowess of the scion of the house of Kunou?
Very well, Gaijin, I accept your challenge. Prepare thyself!"
"D-d-d-d-d-d-d-do your worst!" Adam said defiantly.
***
The universe, having eaten way too much, abruptly and without ceremony
vomited the seven fanfic authors onto the Nerima grounds. Then it went off
in search of an antacid, leaving the Otakus dazed and confused. They slowly
and unsteadily got to their feet, realising after a moment that they had
landed on someone.
Not that that someone had felt anything. After Kunou had finished with
Adam, he had lain unconscious for the past four hours. Being squashed flat
by seven people really didn't make much of a difference.
"Is he okay?" Eimii asked.
"Well, he's breathing. Past that..." Webdragon said, kneeling next to the
thoroughly splatted figure. "Does anyone know where we are?"
"I would guess Nerima, Japan." Skywise said.
"What makes you say... Nerima?" Webdragon looked up at what Skywise was
staring at. Straight ahead was a fairly typical high school, with a large square
clock. Very familiar in fact.
"No way!" Kyone said, not sounding terribly displeased. Actually, he though
this was rather cool.
"The ad never said anything about providing transport." Gary commented.
He really couldn't think of anything intelligent to say, considering the
circumstances.
Scott glanced around at the collected authors. "I suppose we should
introduce each other. I'm Scott K. Jamison, also known as SKJAM."
"Josh Lowry, Magic Knight Kyone."
"Eimii Alhazar. Just Eimii, actually."
"Webdragon."
"Jim Franks, Pentaprune."
"Gary Kleppe. Nice to meetcha."
"Kelly Conrad Davies Schultz." Everyone looked at Skywise for a moment.
"(Sigh) Skywise. Skywise is just fine."
"Adam J. Barnes, the Prime Saggitarian Alpha Centauri." A voice said weakly.
Everyone looked down at the battered figure pushing himself up off the
ground.
"There are secondary ones?" Kyone asked.
"Do YOU have any idea what's going on?" Eimii asked.
Adam groaned and rubbed the back of his head. "No... I don't remember
much after the tenth bottle of Jolt..."
The authors spent the next few minutes getting to know one another,
discussing fics, etc. and generally avoiding the issue of how the _hell_ they
had managed to end up in Nerima.
"So I guess you weren't kidding about your looks in 'Sauce', huh?"
"HEY!"
"So, Webby, when are you going to post the rest of Nullifier 122?"
"I'm working on it, honest! And don't call me Webby."
"Y'know, you don't look so good, Eimii. Uhh... I mean chewed up, not...
uh..."
"I just finished a fic. It tends to take a bit out of me."
"_That's_ what happened? Gee, I'd hate to see what a History term paper
would do to you."
"Pentaprune?!"
"'Penty' for short... _what_?"
"Umm, excuse me?" Adam said. "But could someone PLEASE tell me what's
going on? Did I land in the middle of an Otaku convention or something?"
As if to answer him, space parted in front of them, and a multi-armed alien
creature wearing coveralls, a baseball cap and carrying a toolbox stepped
through. Don't you just love perfectly timed coincidences?
The authors 'acked' in perfect unison and jumped back, startled.
The creature turned to look at them. "Mornin' all."
The authors did that squelchy blink thing. After being eaten by the universe,
upchucked into the Ranmaverse and confronted by an eight-armed plumber,
their repertoire of witty comebacks had understandably dried up somewhat.
The creature began looking around. "Yep, somthin' really pooched yer local
reality here. I s'pose you folks ain't locals, right?"
"Well, no," Gary replied "We're..."
"From Earth three-four-two-nine-eight-six-seven-dash-two... or was is dash
three?" The alien interrupted. "Whatever. youse is from the writer's
dimension, right? I get a lot o' youse."
"Writer's dimension?" Adam asked, confused. "Just where the hell are we?"
Skywise pointed at Furinkan. "Tokyo, late twentieth century, Nerima ward.
Front lawn, Furinkan High."
"What do you mean 'Furin..." Adam followed Skywise's arm. "Ack! Oh no!
Nononononononono!"
"What's wrong?" Kyone asked.
"It can't be!" Adam babbled. "I didn't! I COULDN'T have!"
Everyone was quite interested in what he was saying now. "What couldn't you
have done?" Scott asked.
The multi-armed alien looked at Adam. "Ah, so youse is da one who's
responsible. Wow, you really screwed up da local space-time continuum!
Gonna take me some time ta fix it."
Gary knelt down in front of a gibbering Alpha Centauri. "What did you do,
Alpha?"
Adam babbled incoherently for a few more minutes. Gary finally got
impatient with this and grabbed the front of Adam's shirt, shaking him
violently. "Tell us! WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
"I... umm, wrote a self-insertion fic." Adam replied sheepishly.
"That's IT?" Webdragon asked, incredulously. Gary let Adam go, looking
confused.
"Uhh... well, I kinda also sorta tried to use one of Wyrm's spare infinite
improbability generators to actually put me in the story."
"You WHAT?!" Skywise replied, outraged.
There was a momentary silence, then Webdragon asked. "What the hell is an
infinite improbability generator?"
"That still doesn't explain why we're here." Kyone said.
"Well, I kinda wrote you in too. Just for the hell of it."
The collected authors proceeded to beat Adam into a greasy spot. Not so
much for transporting them to Nerima, which wasn't so bad, but for
committing the supreme crime of writing them into a fic without
permission. They were, of course, perfectly justified. Having vented their
immediate frustration, the authors turned to the alien.
"So now what do we do?" Jim asked.
The alien scratched its head. "Well, unfortunately I can't send youse back
right away. See, something about how you got here munged yer space-time
signatures up a bit. I gotta go look up yer old temporal addresses so's I can
figure out where youse belong, and my boss won't let me do that until I fix da
local space-time continuum."
"How long will that take?" Eimii asked, worried.
"Oh, maybe an hour."
Everyone sighed with relief. well, everyone except Adam, who was still a
greasy spot. Then Scott realised something he had missed before. "So why
on Earth are we all speaking Japanese?"
"Huh?" Everyone replied. Except the alien. And Adam, of course, who was
still a greasy spot.
"Oh, dat's easy." The alien replied. "When youse space-time signatures got
messed up, youse got partially adapted to the local area. I guess maybe da
grease spot was tryin' ta give you super powers er somethin', but all youse
got was yer language lexicon shifted. Now, instead o' English, youse all speak
Japanese. Although yer accents is REALLY bad."
"So we can't speak English anymore?" Gary asked.
"Let's put it dis way. Youse can now speak as much English as youse could
speak Japanese before. Got it? Oh, and it seems dat some o' youse picked up
some magical curses along da way. Watch out, dey still workin'." The alien
turned back to the tear in space. "Look, youse just wait here, and in an hour
or so when I get da reality fractures fixed, I'll come get ya and give ya a ride
home. How's dat?"
Everyone nodded, agreeing that it was a good deal, considering the
circumstances. All except Adam, who was STILL a greasy spot. The alien
stepped through the hole in space, and it began to seal up. About halfway
closed, it stopped. Something could be heard about 'Damned Zippers' from
the other side of the hole, then the hole abruptly closed.
Scott sat down on the ground and sighed. "Okay, now what?"
Kyone glanced at the clock on the front of Furinkan High. "We got an hour,
so why don't we all look around a bit? I always wanted to see Japan!"
Everyone shrugged. Nobody could think of a good reason why not. Except
Adam, who as a greasy spot couldn't think at all.
Author's Note: Normally, most Otaku's would realise that this is generally a
bad idea. A LOT can happen in an hour in Nerima, most of it bad. However, it
was at this moment that a law of Takahashi universes imposed itself upon
the authors, namely that all characters will be totally oblivious to impending
doom. Of course, the author shouldn't talk, as the author at this point in the
story is a greasy spot on the ground.
Eimii suddenly remembered a good reason why leaving the area was a bad
idea, at least for her. "Guys? Actually, my sense of direction isn't the
greatest. Could one of you...?" She was too late, the rest of the group had
wandered off. Eimii sighed. "Typical males." She glanced down at the greasy
spot, who was slowly turning back into something resembling a human
being. "I guess I'm stuck with you for now."
***
Gary Kleppe walked up to the main doors of Furinkan High, then glanced
back down at the ad in the magazine he still had in his hand. For some
reason he had a perverse desire to actually see if the job ad were serious,
despite the fact that he wouldn't be around to accept it. <What the hell, why
not?> He walked through the doors.
It took him a couple of tries and a few stupid questions to find the main
office. He discovered that although he could SPEAK Japanese, he couldn't
READ Japanese characters. He found himself wishing for subtitles. He
walked in, not knowing what to expect.
A bored-looking secretary sat at a desk outside of the Principal's office,
typing away at whatever bored-looking secretaries type.
"Hello." Gary said. "I'm here about the job ad. The one for the physics
teacher?"
The secretary looked up. "Oh. He hooked one, huh? Fine, go on in."
Gary looked puzzled. "Don't I have to schedule an appointment or
something?"
The secretary paused in her typing. "Do you know what Principal Kunou is
like?"
"He likes anything Hawaiian, he's constantly shaving people bald and he has
a palm tree growing out of his head?"
The secretary nodded. "Do you think many people come in to see him?"
"You've got a point. Thanks." Gary opened the office door and walked in.
The secretary watched him enter. "He knows about Principal Kunou, and he
STILL wants the job. Crazy Gaijin." She shook her head and went back to
typing.
***
Kyone and Scott wandered along the streets, watching as people went on
with their lives. Kyone figured it would be a good idea to stick with Scott,
since he seemed to be the only one in the group able to read Japanese.
Being rendered suddenly illiterate like this was a little like being thrust out
into the street naked.
Scott didn't pay much attention to Kyone. He was just enjoying soaking in
the sights. He wasn't paying much attention to where he was going, though,
and walked right into a stone wall. "Oof!"
Kyone walked right into Scott. After a moment spent disentangling
themselves, they stepped back to get a better look.
"Now THAT'S a big backyard fence!" Kyone said.
Scott walked along the wall until he reached the gate. It was blown off its
hinges, and the frame was shattered. "Yeesh! What happened here?"
Kyone shrugged. "Typical Takahashi collateral property damage. Ranma and
Ryouga probably had a fight a couple of blocks from here."
Scott nodded. "Probably. I wonder who owns this place? It's HUGE!"
"Do you think it's someone's house?" Kyone asked.
Scott frowned. "I don't know. It seems a little large for this area.
Considering Tokyo property values, do you know how much this place must
be worth?"
Kyone grinned. "C'mon, let's check it out!"
Scott drew back. "Are you NUTS?! we can't just waltz in..."
"Aww, c'mon! I want to see what the grounds look like! We'll just knock on
the door, ask directions and act like stupid tourists! What's the worst that
could happen?" Kyone grabbed Scott's arm and dragged him inside.
Had the gate been intact, Scott would have noticed the lettering which read
'Kunou'.
***
Jim Franks stared at his two female companions, who seemed rather
cheesed off, partially at him, but mostly at the universe in general.
Not that there was anything wrong with them, technically. Actually, they
were both rather attractive. Well, Jim would have thought of them as
attractive, had they not been male less than five minutes earlier.
"Look, guys," He started, and immediately regretted it. "Umm, I'm sorry
about this. I didn't know!"
"Maybe if you had WARNED us...!" Onna-Webdragon grumbled. She wicked a
slightly damp black lock off her forehead.
"Hey, how was I supposed to know that old lady was going to throw
dishwater out the window?" Jim protested. "I barely got out of the way
myself!" He paused for a moment. "Where did you two pick up those curses,
anyway?" He eyed the two, noting mentally how their now wet, baggy clothes
seemed to adhere to the more _interesting_ parts of the female anatomy.
Skywise-chan and Webdragon-chan shot him two looks which came
dangerously close to charring him where he stood. Skywise-chan crossed
her arms self consciously across her chest. "During that whole revengefic
thing. Well, I got mine slightly before." She said. "Where the were you,
20,000 leagues under the sea?"
Jim shrugged. "No. Nabiki repossessed my computer during the revenges,
so I kinda missed some stuff on the FFML. I guess we should get you two
some hot water, huh?"
Skywise-chan nodded. "Maybe a restaurant or something would let us have
some." He scanned the street ahead. "Hey, that place over there looks
promising."
Webdragon-chan frowned. "Y'know, there's something awfully familiar about
that place." She looked at Jim. "Do you know how to read Japanese?"
Jim shook his head. "I'm taking a course, but it just started yesterday.
Sorry."
Skywise-chan forged ahead. "I guess it can't hurt to ask."
***
Adam groaned and tried to sit up. His head informed him with a wave of
dizziness that that was an exceptionally bad idea, and he gave up on it
quickly. He carefully cracked open one eye, half expecting a bokken or @bap
stick poised to smite him.
Instead he was greeted by the sight of a cute redhaired girl, leaning over
him.
"You alright?" She asked.
Adam's brain immediately followed standard operating procedure for
encountering cute redheads. It grabbed its parachute, set his mouth on
autopilot, activated the Cute Redhead Subroutine (patent pending) and
bailed out.
"Errr... I... fine... good..." The autopilot still had a few bugs in it.
Eimii sat back, happy to see that Alpha Centauri was back to being as
coherent as he ever got. She didn't really want to spend the entire hour
sitting alone outside of Furinkan High with only a mute greasy spot for
company. "Good. Sorry about beating the crap out of you before."
Adam's brain slowly regained control. <WhoisthisIcan'trememberohyeah
EIMII! She's a fanfic author, and she got here when I... aww CRAP!> not the
best first impression he could have hoped for. Adam rubbed the back of his
head in embarrassment. "I guess I kinda had it coming. I'm really sorry
about this."
Eimii smiled, causing Adam's brain take another leave of absence. "It's okay.
I always wanted to see Nerima. I mean, nothing really bad has happened yet.
This is actually kinda nice."
Adam was grinning like a total moron at this point, a la Tofu. It was this
exact moment that a freak two-second rainshower decided to hit, drenching
an area of about four square feet, exactly where Adam was sitting.
Eimii blinked as Adam was suddenly replaced by a much smaller redhaired
girl. "Wha... how'd you do that?!"
Onna- Centauri was not particularly happy with this turn of events. <What IS
this?! First Kunou beats the crap out of me, then my fellow Otakus, and now
THIS! What did I do to deserve this?> She grumbled incoherently to herself
as she wrung out her now red hair, which had gained an extra three feet.
"How did you do that?" Eimii repeated.
"Huh?" Adam-chan replied. "Oh, right. I picked up a curse during the
revengefic thing. It usually picks the worst times to kick in." <Oh well, at
least nothing else can go wrong.>
"Ah, doth mine eyes deceive me? Or in truth do I see two red haired visions
of loveliness before me?"
Both Eimii and Adam-chan's heads snapped up. <Oh NO!> Adam-chan
screamed mentally. <NONONONONONONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOO!>
***
Jim lifted aside the curtain and indicated that his two companions should
precede him. "Ladies first."
Webdragon-chan and Skywise-chan restrained themselves from killing Jim,
although Webdragon-chan made a point of stomping on his foot as she went
past. Jim followed them in, trying to conceal his limp.
"Welcome to Nekohanten." An extremely cutsey voice greeted them. All
three froze. Well, except for a little drooling on Jim's part.
Shampoo put down the tray she was carrying and smiled. "You like table?"
"Umm... err..." Jim stammered. Girls with curves like that simply didn't
exist in his world.
Skywise-chan and Webdragon-chan had a little more resistance to
Shampoo's feminine charms, thanks to their curses. "Well, actually, all we
really want is..."
"SAOTOME!!!!"
"No, just some hot water." Jim replied. Then he recognized the voice that
had cried out. Four pairs of eyes glanced back to the kitchen. There an
enraged Mousse stood, brandishing several nasty-looking weapons. His
glasses were perched on top of his head. "How dare you show your face in
here, you lecher!" he cried at Jim. "You blatantly practice your vile seduction
on Shampoo, even as your other fiancees watch!"
Jim blinked. "Uhh, do you mean me?"
"Mousse!" Shampoo said angrily. "No harass customer!"
"This Casanova is no customer! SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!" With that
Mousse charged.
Jim's keenly honed survival instinct informed him that turning and running
away in a cowardly fashion was probably the best course of action. His legs
hadn't waited for this conclusion, having already decided this for
themselves, and by this point they were propelling him away from the
Nekohanten at a fair velocity. Mousse gave chase, screaming. "DON'T RUN
AWAY YOU COWARD! FACE YOUR FATE!!"
Shampoo started to do that blue aura thing. "Mousse, you idiot! Why you keep
chasing away customer? Shampoo beat some sense into you!" She pulled a
bonbori out of... well, bonbori-space and proceeded to give chase.
Webdragon-chan cursed. "You stay here and try and get some hot water." she
said to Skywise-chan. "I'll follow these three and make sure Jim makes it
back." She charged out after Shampoo, leaving Skywise-chan alone in the
restaurant.
Poor Skywise-chan didn't have time to react to all this. Finally she recovered
from the shock and sat down at a table with a sigh.
"Can I take your order?"
Skywise-chan looked up to see Cologne herself, complete with pogo stick,
next to the table with a pad and pencil.
"Just a kettle of hot water, thanks."
Cologne nodded and hopped off, grumbling about 'That moron Mousse'. After
a few minutes she came back with a teakettle. "You know, I have one other
customer who asks for this, but I'm sure his reasons are different from
yours."
"Oh, I don't know about that." Skywise-chan said and poured some of the
water on her head. She gained more than a foot and a half of height as she
changed back into a 'he', causing Cologne to bounce back a few steps.
"Well, now. I didn't think I'd see another person with THAT particular
affliction! How did you come by it?"
"Long story." Skywise replied. <Very very VERY long story!>
Cologne shrugged. "Very well. Would you like some Ramen?"
Skywise shook his head. "I'm afraid I don't have any money. Is it alright if I
just wait here for my friends?"
"Oh, don't worry about it." Cologne replied, returning to the kitchen. She
wasn't about to let this stranger go until she determined WHERE he had
acquired Nyannichuan water.
"Okay. Sure, why not. Thanks." Skywise replied, once again falling under the
effects of the Takahashi-character-total-obliviousness-to-impending-doom-
syndrome.
***
"How did I let you talk me into this?!" Scott screamed at Kyone as he barely
dodged another ribbon slash. A chilling, insane laugh filled the air.
"How was I supposed to know this was the Kunou residence?!" Kyone yelled
back. It seemed none of the nifty magic he had picked up during the
revengefics didn't work here. Maybe because it wasn't Takahashi magic.
"How dare you invade my home!" Kodachi said, "You wicked, wicked boys!"
"Look, we're just trying to find the... uh, bus station!" Scott said weakly. "You
know, murdering us would really hurt your gymnastics career."
"That's only if they find the bodies." Kodachi replied, and laughed again.
Scott grabbed Kyone and put the other author between him and Kodachi. "I
though you were supposed to know magic and stuff! Well? Zap her!"
"I _tried_!" Kyone replied, backing up. "It doesn't work here!"
Scott's back came up against a wall, which immediately pivoted out of the
way, dumping the two authors down a tube into the dark.
"Oh drat!" Kodachi said, disappointed. "They fell into the labyrinth! Now
they'll probably starve before I can kill them!"
***
Gary had initially thought this whole thing was some insane dream, brought
about by stress and too much caffeine. That's why he had gone for the job
interview. Meeting Principal Kunou dispelled that notion. There was just no
way that Gary could dream someone that twisted.
Oh, and the fact that the good Principal had shaved him bald helped.
True, everything went well, at first. Gary being an American, and therefore
connected however obliquely with Hawaii counted heavily in his favour. The
problems started when he accepted the job. Well, he didn't really accept it,
he merely said something to the effect of "The job sounds pretty good.".
Principal Kunou had taken this as acceptance.
"Good! Now that you being my new number-one science teacher, I be givin'
you a welcome gift! A free, totally complimentary HAIRCUT!" the good
Principal managed to shave off half of Gary's hair before he got out of the
office, and the other half as he ran through the halls. Now he was chasing
him outside of the school shouting "Wait! You be needin' you sideburns done!"
Gary cursed himself for his curiosity and lack of caution. He wondered how
things could get worse.
*SPLASH*
<I hadda ask, didn't I?> the small black piglet that had once been Gary
Kleppe thought, sitting in the puddle created by the sprinkler he had just
run through. <At least now things REALLY can't get any worse. Unless, of
course...>
A young brown haired girl on roller skates turned the corner and spied P-
Gary sitting in his pile of wet clothes. Her eyes went wide. "Oh, how
KAWAII!!! Charlene! Oh my precious Charlene!!"
Gary cursed himself for giving the Fates nifty ideas.
***
Not far away another of the Kunou clan was in hot pursuit, this time of a
fairly attractive red haired girl. And unfortunately for the red head, she
_wasn't_ Ranma.
<How did I get myself into this?> Adam-chan thought, desperately trying to
keep ahead of her pursuer. Eimii had long since disappeared, leaving Adam-
chan to deal with an amorous Kunou all by herself. <Doesn't he ever get
tired?!>
Adam-chan skidded around a corner and slammed right into someone. She
knocked whoever it was over, landing on top of them.
"Urr... what the hell?!" Ryouga said, a little dazed from the impact. He
opened his eyes to see a rather Kawaii redhead girl lying on top of him. For a
second he thought it was Ranma, but he quickly realised it wasn't. He just as
quickly realised the position they were in, and blushed fiercely. "A... are you
okay?"
Adam-chan wasn't paying attention to Ryouga, or the position she was in
_with_ him. Her mind was occupied with another matter, and what would
happen should that matter catch up with her.
Sure enough, Kunou was right there. "Foul villain!" He cried. "To so brazenly
violate so fair a flower! I Tatewaki Kunou shall punish thee!"
Ryouga had no clue what was going on. He tried to push Adam-chan off him.
"Hey, I wasn't doing anything, stick-boy!"
Adam-chan's suddenly remembered a trick Ranma had used on Ryouga once.
<Maybe I can use it to get Kunou off my back>. She threw her arms around
Ryouga in a crushing embrace. "Oh my love! I've searched for you so long,
don't let this horrible man separate us again!"
Ryouga blushed harder and tried to dislodge her. "What are you talking
about? I've never met you before in my life!"
Kunou's battle aura began to flare. "Infidel! How dare you play with the
emotions of an innocent maiden! Prepare to taste my blade!" He hefted his
bokken threateningly.
"Hey, I have no idea who she is!" Ryouga protested.
Adam-chan threw herself back as if slapped, playing the part to the hilt. "My
love, how _could_ you?! How could you forget your own fiancee?"
Ryouga's jaw dropped. "F... Fian..."
Kunou had heard quite enough. "DIIIEEE!!!" He threw himself at Ryouga,
who despite his distraction easily sent Kunou into orbit.
<Heh. Ranma's got nuthin on me!> Adam-chan thought smugly. <Although I
suppose I should thank Ryouga.> "Hey, thanks a lot, P-chan."
Ryouga's eyes went wide. "Y... you know about that?"
Author's Note: It's me again. If you're wondering why I would do something
so utterly stupid as to call Ryouga P-chan, it's easily explained by the Second
Law of Takahashi universes, namely, the characters will say the absolute
worst thing possible, at the absolute worst time. For example, any time
Ranma opens his mouth around Akane.
Adam-chan blinked. "What, the Jusenkyo thing? Well, yeah, it's no big deal."
She had the nagging feeling that there was something familiar about this
situation.
"You know?! And yet..." Ryouga suddenly grabbed her hands in his, eyes
sparkling. "And yet you still want me?"
"I _what_?" Adam-chan said, shocked. <Hey, waitaminute! I remember this!
This is from Ryouga and Akane, 2-gether 4-ever! Just before Ryouga... uh
oh!>
As for what happened next, let's just say I have a vested interest not going
into detail. Suffice it to say it wasn't pretty.
***
Jim struggled to get to his feet, failing miserably. He was generally
unsuccessful in his attempts to rise because he had a rather large frigidaire-
and-chain sitting on his back.
During his flight from Mousse, Divine Inspiration had struck Jim (which
smarted a little), giving him the idea to turn and fight. Once Mousse saw
how crappy Jim actually was, he would realize that he wasn't Ranma, right?
Evidently, Divine Inspiration didn't like him very much, because the whole
plan hinged on Mousse engaging in rational thought. Of course, he didn't,
and Jim was now one with a major household appliance.
Mousse jumped upon the fridge. The act jarred his glasses, causing them to
fall over his eyes. "And now, Saotome...!"
Mousse blinked. "You're not Saotome!"
"It's about time you figured that out!" Jim yelled, still struggling to get out
from under the fridge.
Suddenly Mousse's eyes blazed. "You... you fiend! You're some pawn of that
vile lecher who he had lead me away from Shampoo so he could...!"
Jim groaned and shut his eyes, preparing himself for death. When it didn't
come, he carefully opened one eye. Mousse was gone. Jim breathed a sigh of
relief.
That was when Kunou landed on the fridge.
***
Onna-Webdragon kicked a can in frustration. She had lost Mousse and Jim a
few blocks back, and now she was completely lost.
Abruptly she was knocked from her feet by a young redhaired girl. As she
picked herself up, she was tackled again, this time by a young man.
"Arrgh! Would you watch where you're going?!" Webdragon-chan shouted. She
looked up and saw who it was who had tackled her. Ryouga.
"WAIT! PLEASE!" Ryouga called after the fleeing girl. He slumped.
<Oh, PERFECT!> Webdragon-chan thought. <Just what I need right now, the
Lost Boy!>
Just then some kind of dust settled over both of them. Both Webdragon-chan
and Ryouga started sneezing until all the dust settled. Totally by accident,
they both looked up at the same moment, and their eyes met.
<Then again,> Webdragon-chan thought, her eyes going starry. <Maybe he IS
what I need!> "Ohh, _Ryouga_!"
Ryouga wore a similar expression. "Ohh... uh, I don't know what your name
is, actually..."
"Kev... Kelly."
"Thanks! Ohh, _Kelly_!" He replied
Webdragon-chan grabbed Ryouga's collar and she dragged him into a nearby
alley. What happened next... well, lets just say it would kill this fic's PG-13
rating.
High above them on a rooftop, Happosai in his panty thief garb cursed as he
examined an empty jar.
"Rats! The top came off! Now where am I going to get more industrial
strength Passion Spice?"
***
Eimii squinted at the Kanji on the gate she was standing outside of. Thanks
to her Japanese classes, she could read a little Kanji. "Hmm... Ten-dou. I
thought so!" She knew the place looked familiar! <Ranma, Akane and Nabiki
go to Furinkan, one of them can show me the way back!>
Eimii was about to knock when someone cleared her throat behind her.
Eimii turned.
Kasumi stood there carrying two full shopping backs, and smiling in that
pleasant, disarming way of hers. "Why, hello there! Can I help you?"
"Oh, uh..." Eimii tried to think fast. That didn't work, so she tried to think
slow. Still nothing. So she just blurted out the first thing she thought of.
"I'm here to see Ranma!"
"Oh, that's nice." Kasumi replied, still smiling. "Do you know him from
school?"
"Uhh, sorta." Eimii moved to take one of the bags. "Here, let me help you
with that."
"Why thank you! By the way, I'm Tendou Kasumi. What's your name?"
"Eimii... Alhazar Eimii." Eimii replied, quickly switching her name to
Japanese standard.
She helped Kasumi with the groceries, chatting meaninglessly until they got
inside. Soun and Genma were playing shogi, and Akane was in the middle of
trying to mallet Ranma into a pasty goo. Everyone paused as soon as the
newcomer entered, carrying one of Kasumi's bags.
"Well now, Kasumi, who's your friend?" Soun asked, smiling.
"Her name is Eimii. Don't you think that's a nice name?" Kasumi replied.
"She's here to see Ranma."
Everyone blinked. Akane was the first to recover. She completed her mallet
swing, bashing Ranma into the floor. "You BAKA! You went and got engaged
again, didn't you?"
"What did you do that for!" Ranma cried out, rubbing his head. "It certainly
wasn't me! Pop, what did you trade me for this time!"
"No it's not what you think..." Eimii said, waving her hands desperately,
trying to prevent an all out war.
"What's this about Ranchan getting engaged again?!" Someone behind Eimii
said. Eimii turned to see Ukyou standing there, battle spatula ready.
"Aiya! Clumsy Gaijin girl no get Ranma!" Shampoo cried, crashing through a
nearby wall.
"You don't understand...!" Eimii said.
"You're ALWAYS doing this!" Akane yelled at Ranma
"Hey, it's not my fault!" Ranma retorted. "It's not like I WANT all these
fiancees!"
"What Ranma say?" Shampoo asked, enraged. "Airen no want Shampoo?
What Gaijin girl do to you?"
"You can't have him, you hussy!" Ukyou said, raising her spatula threateningly
at Eimii.
"Excuse me, can I say something?" Eimii asked sheepishly.
"I suppose." Ukyou said, pausing.
Eimii took a deep breath.
"I DO NOT WANT RANMA!! I AM NOT ENGAGED TO HIM, I HAVE NEVER
BEEN ENGAGED TO HIM, NOR DO I EVER _WANT_ TO BE ENGAGED TO
HIM!! CLEAR?!"
Everyone paused for a moment, then battle auras began to flare.
"I see!" Ukyou said, looking mad. "He's not good enough for you, huh? So
you're just dumping him?! How dare you!!"
"Uncute Gaijin girl insult Airen! Shampoo kill!"
"N-no, wait!" Eimii stammered.
"Honestly!" Akane fumed. "To just walk into someone's house and insult
them like that!"
"Oh my!" Kasumi said. "I suppose I should go call the repairman!"
All three fiancees proceeded to pounce on poor Eimii. She more than lived
up to her reputation as a pain magnet.
***
P-Gary decided that being a piglet wasn't so bad. True, Asuza wasn't his first
choice, and her surges of Kawaii made his teeth hurt, but it wasn't as bad as
he had expected. As she cuddled him as she skated, Gary formulated his
plan to find some hot water as escape once Asuza was asleep.
Asuza stopped in front of a building that obviously wasn't her house. Gary
"Bweed" inquisitively.
"Oh, darling Charlene, Asuza is taking you to the vet for a check-up!" Asuza
said, giggling.
That didn't sound TOO bad...
"And to get you 'fixed'. Asuza wants to be a responsible pet owner!"
"BWEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
***
Scott decided that this wasn't a good day. It was, in fact, and extremely
_bad_ day. Which was too bad, because it was probably going to be his last.
"Don't let go!" Kyone pleaded, clutching Scott's ankle. They were both
hanging over a pit, with a very hungry looking crocodile in the bottom. The
only thing holding them up was Scott's tenuous grasp on the edge of the pit.
"I'm not planning on it!" Scott replied, trying to improve his grip.
Unfortunately, the centuries old mortar decided that now would be a good
time to give way. "NOOOOO!"
They didn't fall far. A pink ribbon wrapped around Scott's arm, halting their
descent. "Ohthankyouthankyouthankyou!"
They were pulled up out of the pit, to find that their benefactor was indeed
Kodachi.
"YOU saved us, Kodachi?" Scott said, incredulous.
"Of course, silly boy!" Kodachi replied. "I wouldn't let my poor Mr. Turtle eat
you!"
"Thank you Kodachi!" Kyone said. "Maybe you're not as twisted and insane as
everyone says you are!"
"Of course not!" Kodachi said, smiling. "I COULDN'T let Mr. Turtle eat you!
You haven't been properly garnished!"
***
Skywise awoke in a very uncomfortable position. This was partially due to
the ropes holding him spread-eagled, and partially due to the ball gag in his
mouth.
"Arrrmph?!"
"Well, young man, awake are we?" Cologne's voice said from behind him,
where he couldn't see her. "I thought the sleep spice I used would NEVER
wear off! Now, would you be so kind as to tell me where you acquired
Nyannichuan water?"
"Mrrrph!"
"Oh, not talking, eh?" Cologne pogoed around to where Skywise could see
her. She was wearing one of those leather bondage outfits that... his mind
blanked out the details, as they were FAR too horrible for him to deal with.
"Well, we have ways of making you talk." Cologne grinned and pulled out a
long whip, and a box of condoms. "Wouldn't want me getting pregnant now,
would we."
Skywise's scream could be heard throughout Nerima.
***
In conclusion, none of the Otaku's made it to the rendezvous. The alien
waited five minutes, then bugged out, no skin off his nose (if he had one).
Alpha Centauri continued to be pursued by Kunou, taking the heat off of
Akane and Ranma for awhile. Kunou, with the aid of his sister, eventually
caught poor Alpha, and she is now kept in the basement until Kunou can
free her from the spell the accursed sorcerer Saotome placed upon her.
P-Gary remained with Asuza for the rest of his natural piggy life, despite
numerous escape attempts.
Jim Franks got off easy at first, snagging a job a Mishima Heavy Industries.
That is, until he was sent off to deal with a certain android schoolgirl.
Skywise was never seen again, although it was said late at night anguished
screams and moans could be heard from the basement of the Nekohanten.
Eimii suffered one of the worst fates of all, being engaged to Ranma. She
made several attempts to leave, but her lousy sense of direction always
eventually returned her to the dojo. In time, the close proximity to Ranma &
Co. finally destroyed her mind, so she ended up fitting right in. She is now a
student of Anything Goes Martial Arts Fan Fiction Writing.
Ryouga and Onna-Webdragon, a.k.a. 'Kelly' lived happily ever after, and had
lots of kids with sharp teeth who all insisted on breast-feeding until they
were seven. *Ouch*.
And according to Mr. Turtle, Scott and Kyone were delicious, with a garnish
of fish flakes and cow's blood, with a little parsley on the side.
