When Self-Insertion fics go Wrong A Saggitarius Studios Production Written by: A. C. Barnes Starring: Josh Lowry (Magic Knight Kyone), Eimii Alhazar, Kevin Mark (Webdragon), Jim Franks (Pentaprune), Gary Kleppe, Scott K. Jamison (SKJAM!) and Kelly Conrad Davies Schultz (Skywise), And, of course, Adam J. Barnes reprising his role as the Prime Saggitarian, Alpha Centauri. Note: This fic was made possible by the support and sacrifice of Webdragon, Gary Kleppe, Jim Franks, Eimii Alhazar, Skywise, Scott K. Jamison and Magic Knight Kyone. "batlh Daqawlu'taH." *** Alpha Centauri blitzed through cyberspace, having recently recovered from one of Leela's 'Discussions' (which usually left him a derezzed mess at the bottom on the Middle Of Nowhere computer's memory stack). He blipped onto on of the control room's monitors, curious to see what his human half was up to. He was greeted with the sight of Adam Barnes, college student and anime fanatic, typing away madly at the keyboard. Strewn about him were dozens of Jolt bottles. Alpha executed a quick count. <*Lessee... ten... twenty-four... forty-seven... uh-oh.*> the last time Adam had gotten this much caffeine in his system, he had walked from downtown Vancouver to Horseshoe Bay in fifteen minutes. "*Hey boss, whatcha upto?*" Adam's head snapped up. "Huhuhuhuhwhatwhatwhat? Oh-its-you-Alpha-I'm- just-writing-a-fic-nothing-to-worry-about-go-away!" Alpha shook his head. "*Oh yeah, you're _fine_.*" He zapped over to a closer screen for a better look at what Adam was working on. "*What IS this?*" "I'm-writing-myself-into-a-fic-yep-yep-uhuh-gonna-cream-Kunou-solve-all- their-problems." "*Far be it for me to be the voice of reason,*" Alpha replied. "*But do you think that's such a good idea in your current state of mind? I mean, you know how you get when you've had too much caffeine.*" Adam abruptly stood, slipped on an empty and fell on his ass. He shot right back up and shook a fist at the screen. Actually, he was trying to hold the fist still, but it wouldn't listen to him. "Listen-you-can't-tell-me-what-to-do-you're-just-jealous-I'll-show-you-show- you-all-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Adam flipped open a panel labelled 'Infinite Improbability Generator, Manual Control. Do Not Press'. Inside was a big red button, and a sign saying 'Okay, It's Your Funeral'. "*Wait!*" Adam laughed again, and stabbed his finger towards the button. And missed. Alpha sighed. "*Okay fine, you wanna go do something stupid, be my guest. I'll just get out of the blast radius.*" The screen blipped off. Adam tried again, concentrating hard on hitting his intended target. Miss. Then he grabbed his right arm with his left hand and guided it in, finally making contact. "SUCCESS!" *BOOM* Josh Lowry, better known as Magic Knight Kyone, was sitting in front of his computer, idly scanning FFML messages. "Hmm. Spam. Spam. Rewrite. Spam. Spamfic... mark that one for later... hmm? What's this? 'When Self- Insertion Fics go Wrong'?" Before he could react he was abruptly sucked into his computer screen. *Fwumple* Scott K. Jamison mulled over his messages, sipping his tea. Earl Grey. Hot. The Deputy Bastard Taskmasters from Hell were after him to release another chapter of "Worse". They had progressed beyond mere prodding, and were now threatening a preemptive thermonuclear strike. he thought idly. *Shlupp!* Scratch author number two. Gary Kleppe flipped through the want ads in "Physics Today" (Yes, it really exists!). People just didn't realise how hard it was to find a job as a teacher these days. *Gulp!* The universe promptly swallowed Gary whole. Then it let out a cosmic burp, the effects of which will be felt in 2034 when the Cubs win the world series, and Dick Clarke ages two thousand years in less than a second on national television. On to author number three. Eimii Alhazar had barely recovered from writing her last fic when improbability struck. She wrote fics the way Akane cooked, with two major differences: Her fics turned out considerably better than Akane's cooking, and when she had finished, SHE was the one who looked like she had been through a blender. The universe was probably doing her a favour by getting her away from her writing. *Slurp!* Skywise was finally beginning to relax, now that the whole stupid revengefic thing was over. Things had REALLY gotten out of control for awhile. At least it had got him away from the election debates. *Chomp! Smack!* NEXT! Kevin Mark, a.k.a. Webdragon simply froze as the universe jumped out of an alleyway right in front of him. He just wasn't used to that sort of thing happening. At least not on a Wednesday. *Swallow* James Franks trudged down the halls of RIT, trying not to dwell on how much his head felt like a balloon about to explode. He vowed never to eat a lunch special anywhere until he knew what was in it first. *Gobble* The universe had no such qualms, however, and gobbled him down whole. However, it did admit later that he did taste a little off. *** Adam appeared in Nerima, just outside of Furinkan High. Correction, he appeared _above_ Nerima, about level with the third floor of Nerima high. Someone once said that flying was throwing oneself at the ground and missing. Unfortunately, Adam had fairly good aim. *SPLAT* Adam picked himself up immediately, the massive amounts of caffeine in his bloodstream blocking out the pain. Adam vibrated his way towards the entrance of Furinkan High, where Kunou awaited the arrival of his two true loves, Akane Tendou and the Pig-Tailed Goddess. "K-K-K-K-K-K-Kunou! I the-the P-P-P-Prime Saggitarian do hearb-b-b-b-b-b- b-by challenge you-you!" Kunou looked up and the rather unimposing figure before him. "What is this? YOU wish to challenge ME, the great Tatewaki Kunou? I think not. Begone Gaijin, before I use you for a practice dummy!" Adam retorted with a witty, sarcastic, insightful yet biting comment. Well, he WANTED to, but at this point he was WAAAYY too wired. "What-you- chicken?-Scared-of-me-huhuhuhuh?-I'll-kick-your-butt-you-pathetic-jerk- you-can't-even-beat-a-couple-of-girls!" That last comment got through to Kunou. Evidently this was a sore point with him. "You dare insult the prowess of the scion of the house of Kunou? Very well, Gaijin, I accept your challenge. Prepare thyself!" "D-d-d-d-d-d-d-do your worst!" Adam said defiantly. *** The universe, having eaten way too much, abruptly and without ceremony vomited the seven fanfic authors onto the Nerima grounds. Then it went off in search of an antacid, leaving the Otakus dazed and confused. They slowly and unsteadily got to their feet, realising after a moment that they had landed on someone. Not that that someone had felt anything. After Kunou had finished with Adam, he had lain unconscious for the past four hours. Being squashed flat by seven people really didn't make much of a difference. "Is he okay?" Eimii asked. "Well, he's breathing. Past that..." Webdragon said, kneeling next to the thoroughly splatted figure. "Does anyone know where we are?" "I would guess Nerima, Japan." Skywise said. "What makes you say... Nerima?" Webdragon looked up at what Skywise was staring at. Straight ahead was a fairly typical high school, with a large square clock. Very familiar in fact. "No way!" Kyone said, not sounding terribly displeased. Actually, he though this was rather cool. "The ad never said anything about providing transport." Gary commented. He really couldn't think of anything intelligent to say, considering the circumstances. Scott glanced around at the collected authors. "I suppose we should introduce each other. I'm Scott K. Jamison, also known as SKJAM." "Josh Lowry, Magic Knight Kyone." "Eimii Alhazar. Just Eimii, actually." "Webdragon." "Jim Franks, Pentaprune." "Gary Kleppe. Nice to meetcha." "Kelly Conrad Davies Schultz." Everyone looked at Skywise for a moment. "(Sigh) Skywise. Skywise is just fine." "Adam J. Barnes, the Prime Saggitarian Alpha Centauri." A voice said weakly. Everyone looked down at the battered figure pushing himself up off the ground. "There are secondary ones?" Kyone asked. "Do YOU have any idea what's going on?" Eimii asked. Adam groaned and rubbed the back of his head. "No... I don't remember much after the tenth bottle of Jolt..." The authors spent the next few minutes getting to know one another, discussing fics, etc. and generally avoiding the issue of how the _hell_ they had managed to end up in Nerima. "So I guess you weren't kidding about your looks in 'Sauce', huh?" "HEY!" "So, Webby, when are you going to post the rest of Nullifier 122?" "I'm working on it, honest! And don't call me Webby." "Y'know, you don't look so good, Eimii. Uhh... I mean chewed up, not... uh..." "I just finished a fic. It tends to take a bit out of me." "_That's_ what happened? Gee, I'd hate to see what a History term paper would do to you." "Pentaprune?!" "'Penty' for short... _what_?" "Umm, excuse me?" Adam said. "But could someone PLEASE tell me what's going on? Did I land in the middle of an Otaku convention or something?" As if to answer him, space parted in front of them, and a multi-armed alien creature wearing coveralls, a baseball cap and carrying a toolbox stepped through. Don't you just love perfectly timed coincidences? The authors 'acked' in perfect unison and jumped back, startled. The creature turned to look at them. "Mornin' all." The authors did that squelchy blink thing. After being eaten by the universe, upchucked into the Ranmaverse and confronted by an eight-armed plumber, their repertoire of witty comebacks had understandably dried up somewhat. The creature began looking around. "Yep, somthin' really pooched yer local reality here. I s'pose you folks ain't locals, right?" "Well, no," Gary replied "We're..." "From Earth three-four-two-nine-eight-six-seven-dash-two... or was is dash three?" The alien interrupted. "Whatever. youse is from the writer's dimension, right? I get a lot o' youse." "Writer's dimension?" Adam asked, confused. "Just where the hell are we?" Skywise pointed at Furinkan. "Tokyo, late twentieth century, Nerima ward. Front lawn, Furinkan High." "What do you mean 'Furin..." Adam followed Skywise's arm. "Ack! Oh no! Nononononononono!" "What's wrong?" Kyone asked. "It can't be!" Adam babbled. "I didn't! I COULDN'T have!" Everyone was quite interested in what he was saying now. "What couldn't you have done?" Scott asked. The multi-armed alien looked at Adam. "Ah, so youse is da one who's responsible. Wow, you really screwed up da local space-time continuum! Gonna take me some time ta fix it." Gary knelt down in front of a gibbering Alpha Centauri. "What did you do, Alpha?" Adam babbled incoherently for a few more minutes. Gary finally got impatient with this and grabbed the front of Adam's shirt, shaking him violently. "Tell us! WHAT DID YOU DO?!" "I... umm, wrote a self-insertion fic." Adam replied sheepishly. "That's IT?" Webdragon asked, incredulously. Gary let Adam go, looking confused. "Uhh... well, I kinda also sorta tried to use one of Wyrm's spare infinite improbability generators to actually put me in the story." "You WHAT?!" Skywise replied, outraged. There was a momentary silence, then Webdragon asked. "What the hell is an infinite improbability generator?" "That still doesn't explain why we're here." Kyone said. "Well, I kinda wrote you in too. Just for the hell of it." The collected authors proceeded to beat Adam into a greasy spot. Not so much for transporting them to Nerima, which wasn't so bad, but for committing the supreme crime of writing them into a fic without permission. They were, of course, perfectly justified. Having vented their immediate frustration, the authors turned to the alien. "So now what do we do?" Jim asked. The alien scratched its head. "Well, unfortunately I can't send youse back right away. See, something about how you got here munged yer space-time signatures up a bit. I gotta go look up yer old temporal addresses so's I can figure out where youse belong, and my boss won't let me do that until I fix da local space-time continuum." "How long will that take?" Eimii asked, worried. "Oh, maybe an hour." Everyone sighed with relief. well, everyone except Adam, who was still a greasy spot. Then Scott realised something he had missed before. "So why on Earth are we all speaking Japanese?" "Huh?" Everyone replied. Except the alien. And Adam, of course, who was still a greasy spot. "Oh, dat's easy." The alien replied. "When youse space-time signatures got messed up, youse got partially adapted to the local area. I guess maybe da grease spot was tryin' ta give you super powers er somethin', but all youse got was yer language lexicon shifted. Now, instead o' English, youse all speak Japanese. Although yer accents is REALLY bad." "So we can't speak English anymore?" Gary asked. "Let's put it dis way. Youse can now speak as much English as youse could speak Japanese before. Got it? Oh, and it seems dat some o' youse picked up some magical curses along da way. Watch out, dey still workin'." The alien turned back to the tear in space. "Look, youse just wait here, and in an hour or so when I get da reality fractures fixed, I'll come get ya and give ya a ride home. How's dat?" Everyone nodded, agreeing that it was a good deal, considering the circumstances. All except Adam, who was STILL a greasy spot. The alien stepped through the hole in space, and it began to seal up. About halfway closed, it stopped. Something could be heard about 'Damned Zippers' from the other side of the hole, then the hole abruptly closed. Scott sat down on the ground and sighed. "Okay, now what?" Kyone glanced at the clock on the front of Furinkan High. "We got an hour, so why don't we all look around a bit? I always wanted to see Japan!" Everyone shrugged. Nobody could think of a good reason why not. Except Adam, who as a greasy spot couldn't think at all. Author's Note: Normally, most Otaku's would realise that this is generally a bad idea. A LOT can happen in an hour in Nerima, most of it bad. However, it was at this moment that a law of Takahashi universes imposed itself upon the authors, namely that all characters will be totally oblivious to impending doom. Of course, the author shouldn't talk, as the author at this point in the story is a greasy spot on the ground. Eimii suddenly remembered a good reason why leaving the area was a bad idea, at least for her. "Guys? Actually, my sense of direction isn't the greatest. Could one of you...?" She was too late, the rest of the group had wandered off. Eimii sighed. "Typical males." She glanced down at the greasy spot, who was slowly turning back into something resembling a human being. "I guess I'm stuck with you for now." *** Gary Kleppe walked up to the main doors of Furinkan High, then glanced back down at the ad in the magazine he still had in his hand. For some reason he had a perverse desire to actually see if the job ad were serious, despite the fact that he wouldn't be around to accept it. He walked through the doors. It took him a couple of tries and a few stupid questions to find the main office. He discovered that although he could SPEAK Japanese, he couldn't READ Japanese characters. He found himself wishing for subtitles. He walked in, not knowing what to expect. A bored-looking secretary sat at a desk outside of the Principal's office, typing away at whatever bored-looking secretaries type. "Hello." Gary said. "I'm here about the job ad. The one for the physics teacher?" The secretary looked up. "Oh. He hooked one, huh? Fine, go on in." Gary looked puzzled. "Don't I have to schedule an appointment or something?" The secretary paused in her typing. "Do you know what Principal Kunou is like?" "He likes anything Hawaiian, he's constantly shaving people bald and he has a palm tree growing out of his head?" The secretary nodded. "Do you think many people come in to see him?" "You've got a point. Thanks." Gary opened the office door and walked in. The secretary watched him enter. "He knows about Principal Kunou, and he STILL wants the job. Crazy Gaijin." She shook her head and went back to typing. *** Kyone and Scott wandered along the streets, watching as people went on with their lives. Kyone figured it would be a good idea to stick with Scott, since he seemed to be the only one in the group able to read Japanese. Being rendered suddenly illiterate like this was a little like being thrust out into the street naked. Scott didn't pay much attention to Kyone. He was just enjoying soaking in the sights. He wasn't paying much attention to where he was going, though, and walked right into a stone wall. "Oof!" Kyone walked right into Scott. After a moment spent disentangling themselves, they stepped back to get a better look. "Now THAT'S a big backyard fence!" Kyone said. Scott walked along the wall until he reached the gate. It was blown off its hinges, and the frame was shattered. "Yeesh! What happened here?" Kyone shrugged. "Typical Takahashi collateral property damage. Ranma and Ryouga probably had a fight a couple of blocks from here." Scott nodded. "Probably. I wonder who owns this place? It's HUGE!" "Do you think it's someone's house?" Kyone asked. Scott frowned. "I don't know. It seems a little large for this area. Considering Tokyo property values, do you know how much this place must be worth?" Kyone grinned. "C'mon, let's check it out!" Scott drew back. "Are you NUTS?! we can't just waltz in..." "Aww, c'mon! I want to see what the grounds look like! We'll just knock on the door, ask directions and act like stupid tourists! What's the worst that could happen?" Kyone grabbed Scott's arm and dragged him inside. Had the gate been intact, Scott would have noticed the lettering which read 'Kunou'. *** Jim Franks stared at his two female companions, who seemed rather cheesed off, partially at him, but mostly at the universe in general. Not that there was anything wrong with them, technically. Actually, they were both rather attractive. Well, Jim would have thought of them as attractive, had they not been male less than five minutes earlier. "Look, guys," He started, and immediately regretted it. "Umm, I'm sorry about this. I didn't know!" "Maybe if you had WARNED us...!" Onna-Webdragon grumbled. She wicked a slightly damp black lock off her forehead. "Hey, how was I supposed to know that old lady was going to throw dishwater out the window?" Jim protested. "I barely got out of the way myself!" He paused for a moment. "Where did you two pick up those curses, anyway?" He eyed the two, noting mentally how their now wet, baggy clothes seemed to adhere to the more _interesting_ parts of the female anatomy. Skywise-chan and Webdragon-chan shot him two looks which came dangerously close to charring him where he stood. Skywise-chan crossed her arms self consciously across her chest. "During that whole revengefic thing. Well, I got mine slightly before." She said. "Where the were you, 20,000 leagues under the sea?" Jim shrugged. "No. Nabiki repossessed my computer during the revenges, so I kinda missed some stuff on the FFML. I guess we should get you two some hot water, huh?" Skywise-chan nodded. "Maybe a restaurant or something would let us have some." He scanned the street ahead. "Hey, that place over there looks promising." Webdragon-chan frowned. "Y'know, there's something awfully familiar about that place." She looked at Jim. "Do you know how to read Japanese?" Jim shook his head. "I'm taking a course, but it just started yesterday. Sorry." Skywise-chan forged ahead. "I guess it can't hurt to ask." *** Adam groaned and tried to sit up. His head informed him with a wave of dizziness that that was an exceptionally bad idea, and he gave up on it quickly. He carefully cracked open one eye, half expecting a bokken or @bap stick poised to smite him. Instead he was greeted by the sight of a cute redhaired girl, leaning over him. "You alright?" She asked. Adam's brain immediately followed standard operating procedure for encountering cute redheads. It grabbed its parachute, set his mouth on autopilot, activated the Cute Redhead Subroutine (patent pending) and bailed out. "Errr... I... fine... good..." The autopilot still had a few bugs in it. Eimii sat back, happy to see that Alpha Centauri was back to being as coherent as he ever got. She didn't really want to spend the entire hour sitting alone outside of Furinkan High with only a mute greasy spot for company. "Good. Sorry about beating the crap out of you before." Adam's brain slowly regained control. not the best first impression he could have hoped for. Adam rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. "I guess I kinda had it coming. I'm really sorry about this." Eimii smiled, causing Adam's brain take another leave of absence. "It's okay. I always wanted to see Nerima. I mean, nothing really bad has happened yet. This is actually kinda nice." Adam was grinning like a total moron at this point, a la Tofu. It was this exact moment that a freak two-second rainshower decided to hit, drenching an area of about four square feet, exactly where Adam was sitting. Eimii blinked as Adam was suddenly replaced by a much smaller redhaired girl. "Wha... how'd you do that?!" Onna- Centauri was not particularly happy with this turn of events. She grumbled incoherently to herself as she wrung out her now red hair, which had gained an extra three feet. "How did you do that?" Eimii repeated. "Huh?" Adam-chan replied. "Oh, right. I picked up a curse during the revengefic thing. It usually picks the worst times to kick in." "Ah, doth mine eyes deceive me? Or in truth do I see two red haired visions of loveliness before me?" Both Eimii and Adam-chan's heads snapped up. Adam-chan screamed mentally. *** Jim lifted aside the curtain and indicated that his two companions should precede him. "Ladies first." Webdragon-chan and Skywise-chan restrained themselves from killing Jim, although Webdragon-chan made a point of stomping on his foot as she went past. Jim followed them in, trying to conceal his limp. "Welcome to Nekohanten." An extremely cutsey voice greeted them. All three froze. Well, except for a little drooling on Jim's part. Shampoo put down the tray she was carrying and smiled. "You like table?" "Umm... err..." Jim stammered. Girls with curves like that simply didn't exist in his world. Skywise-chan and Webdragon-chan had a little more resistance to Shampoo's feminine charms, thanks to their curses. "Well, actually, all we really want is..." "SAOTOME!!!!" "No, just some hot water." Jim replied. Then he recognized the voice that had cried out. Four pairs of eyes glanced back to the kitchen. There an enraged Mousse stood, brandishing several nasty-looking weapons. His glasses were perched on top of his head. "How dare you show your face in here, you lecher!" he cried at Jim. "You blatantly practice your vile seduction on Shampoo, even as your other fiancees watch!" Jim blinked. "Uhh, do you mean me?" "Mousse!" Shampoo said angrily. "No harass customer!" "This Casanova is no customer! SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!" With that Mousse charged. Jim's keenly honed survival instinct informed him that turning and running away in a cowardly fashion was probably the best course of action. His legs hadn't waited for this conclusion, having already decided this for themselves, and by this point they were propelling him away from the Nekohanten at a fair velocity. Mousse gave chase, screaming. "DON'T RUN AWAY YOU COWARD! FACE YOUR FATE!!" Shampoo started to do that blue aura thing. "Mousse, you idiot! Why you keep chasing away customer? Shampoo beat some sense into you!" She pulled a bonbori out of... well, bonbori-space and proceeded to give chase. Webdragon-chan cursed. "You stay here and try and get some hot water." she said to Skywise-chan. "I'll follow these three and make sure Jim makes it back." She charged out after Shampoo, leaving Skywise-chan alone in the restaurant. Poor Skywise-chan didn't have time to react to all this. Finally she recovered from the shock and sat down at a table with a sigh. "Can I take your order?" Skywise-chan looked up to see Cologne herself, complete with pogo stick, next to the table with a pad and pencil. "Just a kettle of hot water, thanks." Cologne nodded and hopped off, grumbling about 'That moron Mousse'. After a few minutes she came back with a teakettle. "You know, I have one other customer who asks for this, but I'm sure his reasons are different from yours." "Oh, I don't know about that." Skywise-chan said and poured some of the water on her head. She gained more than a foot and a half of height as she changed back into a 'he', causing Cologne to bounce back a few steps. "Well, now. I didn't think I'd see another person with THAT particular affliction! How did you come by it?" "Long story." Skywise replied. Cologne shrugged. "Very well. Would you like some Ramen?" Skywise shook his head. "I'm afraid I don't have any money. Is it alright if I just wait here for my friends?" "Oh, don't worry about it." Cologne replied, returning to the kitchen. She wasn't about to let this stranger go until she determined WHERE he had acquired Nyannichuan water. "Okay. Sure, why not. Thanks." Skywise replied, once again falling under the effects of the Takahashi-character-total-obliviousness-to-impending-doom- syndrome. *** "How did I let you talk me into this?!" Scott screamed at Kyone as he barely dodged another ribbon slash. A chilling, insane laugh filled the air. "How was I supposed to know this was the Kunou residence?!" Kyone yelled back. It seemed none of the nifty magic he had picked up during the revengefics didn't work here. Maybe because it wasn't Takahashi magic. "How dare you invade my home!" Kodachi said, "You wicked, wicked boys!" "Look, we're just trying to find the... uh, bus station!" Scott said weakly. "You know, murdering us would really hurt your gymnastics career." "That's only if they find the bodies." Kodachi replied, and laughed again. Scott grabbed Kyone and put the other author between him and Kodachi. "I though you were supposed to know magic and stuff! Well? Zap her!" "I _tried_!" Kyone replied, backing up. "It doesn't work here!" Scott's back came up against a wall, which immediately pivoted out of the way, dumping the two authors down a tube into the dark. "Oh drat!" Kodachi said, disappointed. "They fell into the labyrinth! Now they'll probably starve before I can kill them!" *** Gary had initially thought this whole thing was some insane dream, brought about by stress and too much caffeine. That's why he had gone for the job interview. Meeting Principal Kunou dispelled that notion. There was just no way that Gary could dream someone that twisted. Oh, and the fact that the good Principal had shaved him bald helped. True, everything went well, at first. Gary being an American, and therefore connected however obliquely with Hawaii counted heavily in his favour. The problems started when he accepted the job. Well, he didn't really accept it, he merely said something to the effect of "The job sounds pretty good.". Principal Kunou had taken this as acceptance. "Good! Now that you being my new number-one science teacher, I be givin' you a welcome gift! A free, totally complimentary HAIRCUT!" the good Principal managed to shave off half of Gary's hair before he got out of the office, and the other half as he ran through the halls. Now he was chasing him outside of the school shouting "Wait! You be needin' you sideburns done!" Gary cursed himself for his curiosity and lack of caution. He wondered how things could get worse. *SPLASH* the small black piglet that had once been Gary Kleppe thought, sitting in the puddle created by the sprinkler he had just run through. A young brown haired girl on roller skates turned the corner and spied P- Gary sitting in his pile of wet clothes. Her eyes went wide. "Oh, how KAWAII!!! Charlene! Oh my precious Charlene!!" Gary cursed himself for giving the Fates nifty ideas. *** Not far away another of the Kunou clan was in hot pursuit, this time of a fairly attractive red haired girl. And unfortunately for the red head, she _wasn't_ Ranma. Adam-chan thought, desperately trying to keep ahead of her pursuer. Eimii had long since disappeared, leaving Adam- chan to deal with an amorous Kunou all by herself. Adam-chan skidded around a corner and slammed right into someone. She knocked whoever it was over, landing on top of them. "Urr... what the hell?!" Ryouga said, a little dazed from the impact. He opened his eyes to see a rather Kawaii redhead girl lying on top of him. For a second he thought it was Ranma, but he quickly realised it wasn't. He just as quickly realised the position they were in, and blushed fiercely. "A... are you okay?" Adam-chan wasn't paying attention to Ryouga, or the position she was in _with_ him. Her mind was occupied with another matter, and what would happen should that matter catch up with her. Sure enough, Kunou was right there. "Foul villain!" He cried. "To so brazenly violate so fair a flower! I Tatewaki Kunou shall punish thee!" Ryouga had no clue what was going on. He tried to push Adam-chan off him. "Hey, I wasn't doing anything, stick-boy!" Adam-chan's suddenly remembered a trick Ranma had used on Ryouga once. . She threw her arms around Ryouga in a crushing embrace. "Oh my love! I've searched for you so long, don't let this horrible man separate us again!" Ryouga blushed harder and tried to dislodge her. "What are you talking about? I've never met you before in my life!" Kunou's battle aura began to flare. "Infidel! How dare you play with the emotions of an innocent maiden! Prepare to taste my blade!" He hefted his bokken threateningly. "Hey, I have no idea who she is!" Ryouga protested. Adam-chan threw herself back as if slapped, playing the part to the hilt. "My love, how _could_ you?! How could you forget your own fiancee?" Ryouga's jaw dropped. "F... Fian..." Kunou had heard quite enough. "DIIIEEE!!!" He threw himself at Ryouga, who despite his distraction easily sent Kunou into orbit. Adam-chan thought smugly. "Hey, thanks a lot, P-chan." Ryouga's eyes went wide. "Y... you know about that?" Author's Note: It's me again. If you're wondering why I would do something so utterly stupid as to call Ryouga P-chan, it's easily explained by the Second Law of Takahashi universes, namely, the characters will say the absolute worst thing possible, at the absolute worst time. For example, any time Ranma opens his mouth around Akane. Adam-chan blinked. "What, the Jusenkyo thing? Well, yeah, it's no big deal." She had the nagging feeling that there was something familiar about this situation. "You know?! And yet..." Ryouga suddenly grabbed her hands in his, eyes sparkling. "And yet you still want me?" "I _what_?" Adam-chan said, shocked. As for what happened next, let's just say I have a vested interest not going into detail. Suffice it to say it wasn't pretty. *** Jim struggled to get to his feet, failing miserably. He was generally unsuccessful in his attempts to rise because he had a rather large frigidaire- and-chain sitting on his back. During his flight from Mousse, Divine Inspiration had struck Jim (which smarted a little), giving him the idea to turn and fight. Once Mousse saw how crappy Jim actually was, he would realize that he wasn't Ranma, right? Evidently, Divine Inspiration didn't like him very much, because the whole plan hinged on Mousse engaging in rational thought. Of course, he didn't, and Jim was now one with a major household appliance. Mousse jumped upon the fridge. The act jarred his glasses, causing them to fall over his eyes. "And now, Saotome...!" Mousse blinked. "You're not Saotome!" "It's about time you figured that out!" Jim yelled, still struggling to get out from under the fridge. Suddenly Mousse's eyes blazed. "You... you fiend! You're some pawn of that vile lecher who he had lead me away from Shampoo so he could...!" Jim groaned and shut his eyes, preparing himself for death. When it didn't come, he carefully opened one eye. Mousse was gone. Jim breathed a sigh of relief. That was when Kunou landed on the fridge. *** Onna-Webdragon kicked a can in frustration. She had lost Mousse and Jim a few blocks back, and now she was completely lost. Abruptly she was knocked from her feet by a young redhaired girl. As she picked herself up, she was tackled again, this time by a young man. "Arrgh! Would you watch where you're going?!" Webdragon-chan shouted. She looked up and saw who it was who had tackled her. Ryouga. "WAIT! PLEASE!" Ryouga called after the fleeing girl. He slumped. Webdragon-chan thought. Just then some kind of dust settled over both of them. Both Webdragon-chan and Ryouga started sneezing until all the dust settled. Totally by accident, they both looked up at the same moment, and their eyes met. Webdragon-chan thought, her eyes going starry. "Ohh, _Ryouga_!" Ryouga wore a similar expression. "Ohh... uh, I don't know what your name is, actually..." "Kev... Kelly." "Thanks! Ohh, _Kelly_!" He replied Webdragon-chan grabbed Ryouga's collar and she dragged him into a nearby alley. What happened next... well, lets just say it would kill this fic's PG-13 rating. High above them on a rooftop, Happosai in his panty thief garb cursed as he examined an empty jar. "Rats! The top came off! Now where am I going to get more industrial strength Passion Spice?" *** Eimii squinted at the Kanji on the gate she was standing outside of. Thanks to her Japanese classes, she could read a little Kanji. "Hmm... Ten-dou. I thought so!" She knew the place looked familiar! Eimii was about to knock when someone cleared her throat behind her. Eimii turned. Kasumi stood there carrying two full shopping backs, and smiling in that pleasant, disarming way of hers. "Why, hello there! Can I help you?" "Oh, uh..." Eimii tried to think fast. That didn't work, so she tried to think slow. Still nothing. So she just blurted out the first thing she thought of. "I'm here to see Ranma!" "Oh, that's nice." Kasumi replied, still smiling. "Do you know him from school?" "Uhh, sorta." Eimii moved to take one of the bags. "Here, let me help you with that." "Why thank you! By the way, I'm Tendou Kasumi. What's your name?" "Eimii... Alhazar Eimii." Eimii replied, quickly switching her name to Japanese standard. She helped Kasumi with the groceries, chatting meaninglessly until they got inside. Soun and Genma were playing shogi, and Akane was in the middle of trying to mallet Ranma into a pasty goo. Everyone paused as soon as the newcomer entered, carrying one of Kasumi's bags. "Well now, Kasumi, who's your friend?" Soun asked, smiling. "Her name is Eimii. Don't you think that's a nice name?" Kasumi replied. "She's here to see Ranma." Everyone blinked. Akane was the first to recover. She completed her mallet swing, bashing Ranma into the floor. "You BAKA! You went and got engaged again, didn't you?" "What did you do that for!" Ranma cried out, rubbing his head. "It certainly wasn't me! Pop, what did you trade me for this time!" "No it's not what you think..." Eimii said, waving her hands desperately, trying to prevent an all out war. "What's this about Ranchan getting engaged again?!" Someone behind Eimii said. Eimii turned to see Ukyou standing there, battle spatula ready. "Aiya! Clumsy Gaijin girl no get Ranma!" Shampoo cried, crashing through a nearby wall. "You don't understand...!" Eimii said. "You're ALWAYS doing this!" Akane yelled at Ranma "Hey, it's not my fault!" Ranma retorted. "It's not like I WANT all these fiancees!" "What Ranma say?" Shampoo asked, enraged. "Airen no want Shampoo? What Gaijin girl do to you?" "You can't have him, you hussy!" Ukyou said, raising her spatula threateningly at Eimii. "Excuse me, can I say something?" Eimii asked sheepishly. "I suppose." Ukyou said, pausing. Eimii took a deep breath. "I DO NOT WANT RANMA!! I AM NOT ENGAGED TO HIM, I HAVE NEVER BEEN ENGAGED TO HIM, NOR DO I EVER _WANT_ TO BE ENGAGED TO HIM!! CLEAR?!" Everyone paused for a moment, then battle auras began to flare. "I see!" Ukyou said, looking mad. "He's not good enough for you, huh? So you're just dumping him?! How dare you!!" "Uncute Gaijin girl insult Airen! Shampoo kill!" "N-no, wait!" Eimii stammered. "Honestly!" Akane fumed. "To just walk into someone's house and insult them like that!" "Oh my!" Kasumi said. "I suppose I should go call the repairman!" All three fiancees proceeded to pounce on poor Eimii. She more than lived up to her reputation as a pain magnet. *** P-Gary decided that being a piglet wasn't so bad. True, Asuza wasn't his first choice, and her surges of Kawaii made his teeth hurt, but it wasn't as bad as he had expected. As she cuddled him as she skated, Gary formulated his plan to find some hot water as escape once Asuza was asleep. Asuza stopped in front of a building that obviously wasn't her house. Gary "Bweed" inquisitively. "Oh, darling Charlene, Asuza is taking you to the vet for a check-up!" Asuza said, giggling. That didn't sound TOO bad... "And to get you 'fixed'. Asuza wants to be a responsible pet owner!" "BWEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" *** Scott decided that this wasn't a good day. It was, in fact, and extremely _bad_ day. Which was too bad, because it was probably going to be his last. "Don't let go!" Kyone pleaded, clutching Scott's ankle. They were both hanging over a pit, with a very hungry looking crocodile in the bottom. The only thing holding them up was Scott's tenuous grasp on the edge of the pit. "I'm not planning on it!" Scott replied, trying to improve his grip. Unfortunately, the centuries old mortar decided that now would be a good time to give way. "NOOOOO!" They didn't fall far. A pink ribbon wrapped around Scott's arm, halting their descent. "Ohthankyouthankyouthankyou!" They were pulled up out of the pit, to find that their benefactor was indeed Kodachi. "YOU saved us, Kodachi?" Scott said, incredulous. "Of course, silly boy!" Kodachi replied. "I wouldn't let my poor Mr. Turtle eat you!" "Thank you Kodachi!" Kyone said. "Maybe you're not as twisted and insane as everyone says you are!" "Of course not!" Kodachi said, smiling. "I COULDN'T let Mr. Turtle eat you! You haven't been properly garnished!" *** Skywise awoke in a very uncomfortable position. This was partially due to the ropes holding him spread-eagled, and partially due to the ball gag in his mouth. "Arrrmph?!" "Well, young man, awake are we?" Cologne's voice said from behind him, where he couldn't see her. "I thought the sleep spice I used would NEVER wear off! Now, would you be so kind as to tell me where you acquired Nyannichuan water?" "Mrrrph!" "Oh, not talking, eh?" Cologne pogoed around to where Skywise could see her. She was wearing one of those leather bondage outfits that... his mind blanked out the details, as they were FAR too horrible for him to deal with. "Well, we have ways of making you talk." Cologne grinned and pulled out a long whip, and a box of condoms. "Wouldn't want me getting pregnant now, would we." Skywise's scream could be heard throughout Nerima. *** In conclusion, none of the Otaku's made it to the rendezvous. The alien waited five minutes, then bugged out, no skin off his nose (if he had one). Alpha Centauri continued to be pursued by Kunou, taking the heat off of Akane and Ranma for awhile. Kunou, with the aid of his sister, eventually caught poor Alpha, and she is now kept in the basement until Kunou can free her from the spell the accursed sorcerer Saotome placed upon her. P-Gary remained with Asuza for the rest of his natural piggy life, despite numerous escape attempts. Jim Franks got off easy at first, snagging a job a Mishima Heavy Industries. That is, until he was sent off to deal with a certain android schoolgirl. Skywise was never seen again, although it was said late at night anguished screams and moans could be heard from the basement of the Nekohanten. Eimii suffered one of the worst fates of all, being engaged to Ranma. She made several attempts to leave, but her lousy sense of direction always eventually returned her to the dojo. In time, the close proximity to Ranma & Co. finally destroyed her mind, so she ended up fitting right in. She is now a student of Anything Goes Martial Arts Fan Fiction Writing. Ryouga and Onna-Webdragon, a.k.a. 'Kelly' lived happily ever after, and had lots of kids with sharp teeth who all insisted on breast-feeding until they were seven. *Ouch*. And according to Mr. Turtle, Scott and Kyone were delicious, with a garnish of fish flakes and cow's blood, with a little parsley on the side.