[FFML] [Fanfic][Multi] Harry Potter and the Screwed-Up Life, Prologue One

[Alexander CHEEZEM]

Given the FFML's imminent closing, I've been wanting to post one last fic here for a while. Unfortunately, I'm not really in writing shape right now for a variety of reasons. The obvious answer was to post some old bit of writing -- but my backups of my old writing aren't as easily accessible as they used to be. I've been putting the search off as a result... and the impact of the recent Philips Respironics recall hasn't helped either.

(Yes, they recalled the device that *keeps me breathing at night*. It isn't a "nice" recall, either -- and is shaping out to be a massive clusterfuck. Fun times.)

Then I was rather pointedly reminded that the closing was *tomorrow*, so I'd better hurry up and bloody post already. If anyone cares enough to actually discuss this, well, even a brief discussion may last longer than the list does, so feel free to mail me off-list.

This particular idea dates back to 2006 or so, in the halcyon days before Deathly Hallows turned Harry Potter into the general mess it has become, and before Rowling did... whatever she's doing... to the franchise. Specifically, it was the result of an observation and a question. Please don't ask me which came first.

The observation: That the Dursleys were awful and normalcy-obsessed people... but that those were two separate attributes. They weren't awful because of their obsession with being "normal" (whatever that meant), and it was entirely possible to be one of the two without the other.

The question: "What if Harry was instead raised by someone even *more* obsessed with normalcy and/or normality than the Dursleys?"

That lead to an idea I eventually titled Harry Potter and the Screwed-Up Life. In retrospect, it was something of a clusterfuck... but I probably could have managed it anyway. Unfortunately, it hasn't aged all that well. At least one of the series I used as a major plot-element (Law of Ueki) has basically fallen into obscurity, and the elements I included from it will confuse a current reader. Other elements of note include the fact that I was holding some important stuff back for future reveals... and have since forgotten many of them. I suppose I could look up old chat logs if anyone really wants me to in order to see if I can find any reminders, but I doubt anyone will care that much.

I got as far as two prologues and midway through what was supposed to be Chapter One. The prologues were written from the OC parent's perspective; the fic itself was intended to be generally written from Harry's. I'm also not quite sure why I stopped writing it... but I did. So sorry if anyone actually wants more. Without further ado, the first, (really short) prologue:

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Harry Potter and the Screwed-Up Life

Prologue One

by 

Aleh

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    "What the $@%# is going on?"

    I looked around in shock; the last minute, I had been trying to work out the details of a psychology internship, and the next, I found myself in the middle of what appeared to be London. Don't get me wrong; I like traveling, but this was ridiculous. Considering my state, the baby that fell from the sky and proceeded to bounce off the ground and into my arms just drove me further into shock. Looking around and spotting a police officer, I tried to explain myself, only to be laughed off. While I considered approaching one of the idiots dancing around in a dress, none of them looked like they'd know anything, either, so I just continued looking for some sort of an explanation while trying to calm the baby, who looked like he had some sort of nasty, half-healed cut on his forehead.

    Two hours later, I was short twenty dollars, but the baby's head had been bandaged and I had calmed down enough to look more closely at him. At a closer look, "baby" wasn't entirely accurate; I guessed him to be around a year old, although someone had wrapped him like an infant. What really got me was the note that was tucked under his arm. Stopping to read it, I paused in shock.

    "You've got to be kidding me."

    In comparison to that note, the fact that I suddenly found myself in Tokyo, Harry Potter in tow, wasn't much of a surprise. The fact that a swirling purple vortex suddenly dropped an infant at my feet was only a minor surprise at that point, but I was too deeply in shock to really care about the fact that I recognized the kid beyond the fact that it was yet another instance of some god deciding to screw with my life. Turning towards the Heavens, I decided to vent a little.

    "What's next? Uzumaki Naruto? Ueki Kousuke? Ikari Shinji? Maybe Kuchiki Byakuya?"

    Another swirling vortex promptly discharged four more infants, each wearing clothes that conveniently included name tags.

    "That's not exactly a whole lot better, you know!"

    I sighed, paused and decided to make another appeal to the Heavens.

    "What the Hell am I supposed to do with them, anyway?"

    Considering that I promptly found myself in front of a house bearing the sign "Okashii Orphanage for Extraordinary Children", I think that my reaction was justified.

    "Okay, I get the hint already!"

    I sighed and started on the task of trying to raise Harry Potter, Rekka Hanabishi, Robert Haydn, Gaara of the Desert, Rei Ayanami and Toushirou Hitsugaya.

-------------------

    Two months later, things had settled down somewhat. My impromptu orphanage was, judging by where the front door lead, apparently in a Japanese town named "Nekomi", less than a block from a Buddhist temple. The "orphanage" apparently had all of the appropriate papers filed and a reasonably large bank account, I was apparently registered as a citizen of Japan, my parents apparently didn't exist, Gaara and Toushirou apparently disappeared for several hours each day, my Japanese was a lot better than it should have been, there were doors in the orphanage apparently leading to various places throughout the world, and my eye still twitched whenever I thought about the fact that my orphanage's sponsor was apparently the "Ueki Haruko Memorial Fund", but I got along reasonably well and the kids had started to grow on me. The fact that the house had a decent computer and internet access didn't hurt, either, but the six of them had started to grow on me. In fact, I would have suspected that divine forces were trying to make things easier on me had I not known better. As I did know better, I didn't have any suspicions of the sort; the name of the fund providing for the orphanage was more than enough of a hint for things to go well beyond mere suspicion.

    I had tried to get help or to find a way back to my life several times, but I couldn't just abandon the children, and that limited my options. More, I had discovered, shortly after the one-year anniversary of my "acquisition" of the six children, that Gaara and Toushirou were "disappearing" back to Sunagakure and Rukongai, respectively. I had hired help, but there was no way that I would trust my assistant, an Atsuko Natsume, although she insisted I call her "Nuku-Nuku", alone with kids for very long and no one else was responding to my ads. Every now and then, Harry would do something weird, like turning Nuku-Nuku's hair green or covering my skin in green polka dots, but overall, he was a pleasant and helpful child.

    Of course, few things last long, and the same went for my comfortable ideas as to just who had been playing around with my life. Shortly after Harry's fourth birthday, I was approached by another potential assistant, a woman who introduced herself as Athena Kohasei. Given her first name, I probably should have realized who and what she was, but I was both desperate and stressed. To make a rather long story short, the conversation proceeded until I mentioned that I was afraid that my "children" -- I truly had taken them as my own by this point -- all had long and difficult roads to walk, would probably face obstacles that I couldn't even begin to help them with, and that I wished that I had the power to stand by their sides and lend them assistance when they faced their destinies without becoming a burden.

    As her face began to glow and a beam of light shot through the ceiling, I just sighed, palmed my face, and once again turned towards the heavens.

    "Why me?" I asked, palming my face before turning to Athena. "You know," I stated flatly, "I'd have said something else if I'd known you were here to grant me a wish."
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