[FFML] [Ranma][Revised]I Dream of Ranma, Episode 3: On The Horns Of A Dilemma

[Gary Kleppe]

Please see the end notes for information on the status of this series.



                             I DREAM OF RANMA

                        Ranma 1/2 Manga Fanfiction
                              by Gary Kleppe

	The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful
property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission.
This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered
substantially or used for profit in any way.


                                Episode 3:
                         On the Horns of a Dilemma


	"Two sodas, and a cup of tea." The waitress smiled as she set
the drinks down on the table. "Would you ladies care to order, or do you
need a few more moments to look at the menu?"

	"I think we're ready." Ranma's mother took a sip from her cup,
and looked across the table to him and Akane. He wondered how she could
stand to drink hot tea on such a scorcher of a summer day. "Ranko, would
you like to order?"

	Ranma continued to idly study the menu, until he felt Akane's
elbow poke him below the ribs. "Oh yeah. Me. Right." After two days, he
still wasn't used to his new alias.

	"Go ahead and order anything you like, dear," his mother said.
"It's on me. Even if I can't meet my son, it's so nice to be able to
meet his fiancee and her cousin."

	"Oh, thank you, Mrs. Saotome!" Ranma gave a smile and a bubbly
laugh, though inwardly he wanted to scream. Until two days ago, he
hadn't even known that he *had* a mother. Not that he'd believed Pop's
story about him having been cloned; but he'd always figured that his mom
was dead or something, or had thrown Pop out and told him never to come
back. He'd certainly never guessed that she'd been waiting around for
more than ten years for Pop to bring him home to her.

	And now here he was, together with his mother. But thanks to
some stupid promise Pop had made, he couldn't tell her that he was her
son. He had to pretend to be 'Ranko' so that she didn't kill him for
being unmanly. Maybe she wasn't really serious about making him honor
that agreement. But if he took a chance and was wrong, he wouldn't live
to take any other chances. So he had to keep up the act. For so many
years he'd had no idea what it was like to have a mother; now, he was so
close, and yet so far.

	Akane handed her copy of the menu to the waitress. "I'll have
the cheeseburger." She glanced at Ranma's mother. "They make very good
Western food here, Mrs. Saotome."

	Mrs. Saotome grimaced. "Those are the kinds of sandwiches which
one must opens one's mouth rather wide in order to consume," she said.
"I've always been taught that that's unladylike."

	"Yeah, Akane. What are you, a tomboy?" Ranma teased.

	Akane waved a fist at him menacingly.

	The waitress turned to Ranma. "And for you, ma'am?"

	"I'll have the same thing. Make it a double."

	His mother pointed to something on the menu. "I'll have this
noodle dish, please." She gave her menu to the waitress, who then walked
off. "I wonder what kind of food Ranma likes." She briefly stared off
into space. "The two of you have eaten with him, haven't you?" Though
she'd supposedly invited Akane and 'Ranko' to lunch to get to know them,
she only seemed interested in asking about her son. Ranma might have
been offended if he and 'Ranko' hadn't been the same person.

	"Yes, we did," Akane said. "I think... um... he likes the same
foods that Ranko likes."

	"Did I tell you that I haven't seen him since he was a baby?
That it's been more than ten years?"

	"Yes, you did," Ranma said. Several times, actually.

	"I'm so sorry." Pulling out a handkerchief, she wiped a single
tear from her eye. "It seems as if I can't stop asking about Ranma. It's
just that... I miss him so much. Oh, how I wish my manly son were here!"

	Ranma, instantly male, dove quickly under the table.

	"Ranko?" his mother said. Ranma felt her tug on his pigtail.
"Whatever are you doing down there?"

	"I--" He shifted to a higher tone, trying to imitate his female
voice. "I, um, I dropped a contact lens, Mrs. Saotome!"

	"Ranko, don't bump the table," Akane said in an exaggerated
voice. "You'll spill something!" She tipped one of the glasses, letting
a little soda pour onto him. He changed back into his genie form,
complete with costume.

	"Oh dear. Could I help?" His mother stood up, looking over the
table at him.

	"Ranma," Akane frantically whispered in his ear, "I wish you
were back in your usual clothes." And he was.

	"It's all right." He slid up and sat back in the seat. "Got it
back in. Whew. I hate it when that happens."

	"I don't understand, Ranko." His mother stared at him with
puzzled eyes. "For a moment, I saw... you were wearing some strange
costume."

	"Er... you see, Mrs. Saotome...." Ranma fumbled for something to
say. "I wear special contact lenses. When I lose one of them, it's
*other people* who can't see *me* very well." Akane rolled her eyes.
Okay, so it wasn't a very good excuse; but it was the best he could
think of.

	"Oh dear." Ranma's mother pointed to his shoulder. There was a
big, sticky stain on the front of his shirt where Akane had poured the
soda. "Oh dear. Ranko, please let me buy you a new outfit after lunch."

	"Why, Mrs. Saotome, you don't have to...." Ranma looked into her
eyes, and realized she wasn't about to take no for an answer. This, he
supposed, was part of what it meant to have a mother.

***

	Lunch over, the three people stepped out of the restaurant onto
the sidewalk.

	"There's a ladies' wear shop three blocks over." Akane pointed
down the street. "It's my favorite place to shop for clothes."

	Ranma scratched his head. "Ladies' wear?"

	"Thank you, Akane," his mother said. "I'm sure Ranko will find a
nice dress there."

	"Dress?" Ranma repeated dumbly.

	"Yes, dress. What did you think she was going to buy you,
'Ranko?' A clown suit?" Akane turned to Ranma's mother. "I'm sorry, Mrs.
Saotome. Ranko is kind of a tomboy."

	"That's all right, Akane dear. Ranko, I'll help you pick out
some nice things to wear."

	Ranma felt sickened. His mother was going to dress him up in
girl's clothes. Worse yet, Akane would see him that way. Then she'd
probably make fun of him for the rest of his life.

	"The Pig-Tailed Girl a tomboy?!" A voice from behind made the
three turn around. "Nay, I say! She is the very flower of feminine
grace!"

	"Go away, Kuno, ya jerk!" Ranma spat.

	"Oh, Pig-Tailed Girl! How I wish to da--" Kuno's speech ended
abruptly as Ranma clamped a hand over his mouth, then punted him down
the street.

	"Ranko, it isn't proper for a young lady to brawl." Ranma's
mother turned to Akane. "Do you have time to come with us?" she asked.
"You said that you wanted to visit the library after lunch."

	Please say no, Ranma thought. The genie costume was bad enough;
he didn't want her seeing him in a dress.

	"Um... sure, I can come with you," Akane answered. "I can look
up those books some other time."

	"Don't worry about it, Akane," Ranma said. "We'll be all right
by ourselves."

	"Like you were all right back at the restaurant?" Lowering her
voice, she stared at him incredulously. "Ranma, if I hadn't been there,
she would've--"

	"Hey! I can take care of myself, y'know." He had to learn to get
along by himself sooner or later, genie magic or no. He didn't want some
girl following him around all the time like he was some kind of invalid.

	"Fine!" Her voice became loud again. "If that's what you want,
then fine!" She began to walk off in a huff.

	Kuno popped up next to her. "Pig-tailed girl! I wish to da--"
Akane kicked him into the fence that ran alongside the road, not
breaking her stride as she stormed away.

	Ranma glanced at his mother's sword and imagined it cutting
through his neck. He hoped he hadn't just screwed up big time.

***

	Akane receded into the distance. Hikaru Gosunkugi stood watching
her, hypnotized by the beauty of her form and the grace of her
movements. His eyes were riveted to her image, unable to move until she
turned a corner and was out of sight, leaving behind one slightly
disheveled kendoist.

	Kuno pushed himself away from the fence, his body peeling off it
like the skin of an orange. Indentations in the shape of chain links
zig-zagged across his face. "Clearly Akane Tendo disapproves of the
Pig-Tailed Girl sharing my affections," he said to himself. "Perhaps I
should offer to date with her on the weekend."

	"No matter how strong she is... every woman has a secret
desire," Hikaru said from behind Kuno. "Find it... and the pig-tailed
girl's yours."

	Kuno around. "Who are you?"

	"Hikaru Gosunkugi," he replied. "You wouldn't know me. No one
does." His characteristic tagline was supposed to make him sound like a
man of mystery, though he had his doubts as to how well it worked. "But
I can help you get to know the pig-tailed girl."

	"Why should you wish to assist me in this?" Kuno rubbed his chin
thoughtfully. "Unless...."

	Hikaru braced himself for a beating. The reason he was trying to
get Kuno and this 'pig-tailed girl' together was obvious; he wanted Kuno
kept away from Akane. Until recently, he hadn't seen any need to
intervene. Akane had always treated Kuno like something to be scraped
off from the bottom of her shoes. But two days ago, Kuno and Akane had
dated, and even skipped school to do it. Drastic measures were called
for in order to keep them apart. Fortunately, the next day Kuno had seen
this 'pig-tailed girl' and had become interested in her.

	"Unless you have come to realize the righteousness of my cause!"
Kuno finished. "Though I need no assistance, I shall listen to what you
propose. Provided that you are brief, of course."

	"Ah... I... well...." Hikaru found himself momentarily
tongue-tied, then returned to what he had mentally rehearsed earlier. "I
can help you get to know the pig-tailed girl. Shall I discover her
secrets for you?"

	"Hmmm...." Kuno's eyes narrowed. "Very well. How much time will
it take you to accomplish this?"

	Hikaru thought for a moment about how long he'd been collecting
information on Akane. "Um... five years?"

	Suddenly, he found himself flying through the air, courtesy of
Kuno's bokken. "I expect to see results this afternoon!" the kendoist
called at him.

***

	The changing room was an elevator-sized cubicle. Three of its
walls were cloth curtains, and a mirror hung on the fourth. Ranma stared
at his image. Bleah. He didn't recognize much. The hair was his, but
that was about it. Underneath that... a girl in a dress. A sweet, young,
precious flower. *Why, how lovely you look, my dear. May I have the
pleasure of this dance?* Double and triple bleah.

	At least he'd found a dress that wasn't *too* bad. Well, they
were all bad. But at least compared to the others, this was one he could
tolerate wearing if he absolutely had to -- which, unfortunately, he
did. A lot of the ones on the rack had had pictures of flowers (or worse
yet, cutesy animals) on them. This one was a solid blue, and not too
bright. The kind of thing that he could wear and not draw too much
attention to himself. It was also a heavy enough material so that his
underwear wouldn't show through. The last thing he wanted was for his
mom to start buying him girls' undies.

	"Does it fit?" his mother called from the other side of the
changing room curtain.

	"Yeah." It was a little loose, actually, but that was definitely
better than too tight.

	"Would it be all right for me to come in and see?"

	"Uh, yeah, sure, why not." There wasn't any way to refuse
without making her suspicious. Might as well get it over with.

	She stepped through the curtain. "It looks very nice on you,
Ranko." Her smile could only be described as motherly.

	"Uh... thank you, Mrs. Saotome! I'll change back into my other
clothes so we can get home."

	"Oh, you don't have to do that, dear. I'll pay the saleslady,
and you can wear your new dress home."

	Oh great, Ranma thought. His luck was absolutely batting a
thousand today. How the heck would he be able to get home without anyone
seeing him in a dress?

	On the other hand, the Tendos had all seen him in the genie
costume -- which was worse than a dress anyway. So maybe it didn't
matter. He sighed. If they were going to make fun of him, they certainly
had enough ammunition already, dress or no dress.

	He followed his mother out of the changing stall. She handed
some money to the clerk, and got a paper receipt in return. He was
beginning to seriously doubt whether she was really serious about making
him and Pop follow through on that promise. She seemed way too nice for
that. How would she react if she knew that he was a genie? She certainly
didn't seem to be the greedy type like Nabiki.

	On the other hand, she probably would wish to see her son, and
that was a wish that he might not survive. The safest thing would be not
to tell her. But would he be able to keep her from finding out, with all
the idiots around making careless wishes?

	The sale completed, Ranma and his mother stood in front of the
elevator. He could see his reflection in the polished metal of the
doors. Still a girl in a dress.

	He looked over at his mother, and decided to test the waters
just a little. "Mrs. Saotome, could I ask you something?"

	"Yes, of course, Ranko dear."

	"Do you know anything about genies? Y'know, the ones that grant
wishes?"

	"Genies? Ranko, those are just legend. Old stories. Honestly,
this is the twentieth century. I can't understand how people can still
believe in such creatures."

	Ranma nodded.

	"No, what you're thinking of are *oni.* Oni are evil spirits who
assume human form in order to lead unsuspecting humans into misfortune.
That's what your 'genies' really are."

	"Human form? So, um, any random person you saw on the street
could be one of these oni?"

	"Well, it's possible, yes."

	Sweat trickled down the sides of Ranma's head. "So, um, if you
met an oni, what would you do?"

	"Kill it, of course," she said. Her eyes told Ranma that she
wasn't kidding. "Oni aren't really alive anyway. They're evil creatures
sent to cause trouble for humankind and lead us into temptation."

	Ranma laughed nervously. "I, um, don't suppose there's any way
you can tell one of those things when you see one?"

	"I'm afraid not, dear. I only wish an oni had some sort of
distinctive feature that could be seen, but it's not that simple."

	Ranma felt a pricking on each side of his forehead. He watched
his reflection as a pair of horns, each about the size of his little
finger, poked out from under his hair.

	"You seem to be quite interested in oni, Ranko." She began to
turn toward him. "Why--"

	Visions of his head cut through Ranma's mind. He reached out,
desperately grabbing the nearest thing he could find.

	"Ranko?" She stared at him as if he'd gone crazy. "Why did you
just put on that hat?"

	"Why?" he repeated. The hat wobbled back and forth a bit on his
female body's small head.

	"Yes, why?"

	"Why what?"

	"Why did you put on that hat? It doesn't go with your dress, and
it's too large a size for your head anyway."

	"Oh! You're asking why I have a hat on my head. Right?"

	"Yes, I am, Ranko." Her impatient glare told Ranma that he had
just run out of stall time.

	"Well, actually, it's because... it's a new fashion. A *very*
new fashion. Just started actually, which is why you don't see a whole
lot of people wearing too-large hats. Yet."

	She sighed. "Ranko, there are three other shops I need to visit
this afternoon. Put that down and let's go. All right?"

	"Put it...."

	"Down. Is something wrong, Ranko?"

	"Yes, actually there is something wrong. What's wrong is...
is...."

	"Is?"

	"Is that I have to go to the bathroom!" He made a mad dash for
the ladies' room, leaving the hat on a shelf.

***

	*I'm dead,* Ranma thought as he stared at his image in the
bathroom mirror. The horns on his head marked him as a dead man. Woman.
Whatever. As soon as his mother saw them, she'd kill him for being an
oni. He wanted to scream. Couldn't he *ever* catch a break?

	He turned around and saw a pair of girls standing behind him.
They looked to be about twelve years old. "Omigod!" The one in a Sailor
Moon t-shirt pointed at him. "Look at her head!"

	"Are you dressed up for a play or something?" the other said.
She had on a sleeveless, pink dress.

	"Hey, you wanna see a neat trick?" Ranma said to the girls. "I
can make these things disappear."

	The one in the dress rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah?"

	"Yeah. All you have to do is say, 'I wish you didn't have
horns.'"

	The T-shirt-wearing girl giggled. "I wish I didn't have horns."

	"No! Say that you wish *I* didn't have horns!"

	"You wish I didn't have horns." Both girls laughed.

	"ARG!" Ranma took a breath to avoid blowing up. He had to keep
his cool if this was goign to work. "Look, if you don't cooperate, I'm
not going to show you the trick."

	"We don't care," the one in the dress said snottily, an impish
smile on her face. The girls pulled open the door and scooted out, as
if they expected Ranma to hit them. He wouldn't have, though he had
been tempted.

	What the heck could he do now? He should've let Akane come
along. Then he remembered something he'd just seen, and an idea came.
Not a good one, but he was desperate. His hands flashed into action with
lightning speed, untying the braid in his hair and working it into
another shape....

***

	Ranma came out of the bathroom. His mother gaped at him.
"Ranko... What--"

	"Do you like it?" Ranma pointed at his hair, which was now
rolled up into balls that covered up the horns. "It's the Sailor Moon
look!"

	She began to say something, then closed her mouth and pushed the
button to call the elevator.

***

	Hikaru listened to the sounds of conversation as he entered his
home. Kuno, who had arranged to meet him, was talking. "Of course, by
the next match, I had devised yet another series of brilliantly-
conceived training exercises for the kendo club." He stepped into the
family room and saw his parents, nodding and not getting in a word
edgewise as the kendoist spoke.

	He reached into his pocket to pull out the photos he'd just
taken. To save time, he'd used the instant self-developing camera that
he'd gotten for his birthday. That camera's pictures weren't as
high-quality as the one he usually used, but Kuno had insisted on
immediate results. Fortunately, it looked like the photos from the dress
shop had come out quite clearly.

	Kuno turned and noticed him. "Ah, Gosunkugi. What have you to
tell me of the mysterious pig-tailed girl?"

	"Er, I think her name's 'Ranko.'" He handed over the pictures.
"That's what that lady called her. She said Akane was her cousin."

	"Ah, the lovely Ranko. Surely it is a name to be sung by the
angels." Kuno flipped through the photos. He stopped on a particular
one, and his eyes bulged. "What is this?! Seek you to deceive me by
showing me retouched photographs?"

	"Huh? I didn't retouch them. I used an instant camera." Hikaru
looked closely at the picture; it appeared that Ranko had horns on her
head. Strangely, they weren't there in the other shots.

	"This is most unusual." Kuno stared ponderously at the floor,
then looked up. "The beauteous Ranko, it seems, has fallen victim to
foul enchantment of some sort. I, the Blue Thunder, shall rescue her and
smite whatever villain has subjected her to this fate! But first the
nature and source of the evil must be determined."

	"Well, if you ask me, the horns probably mean that...."

	"Silence, wretch!" Kuno gave Hikaru a look of disdain. "Think
that I, Tatewaki Kuno, would sink so low as to depend on your advice?
There are far better sources of knowledge upon which I may call!"

	Reaching into his kendo gi, he pulled out a cellular phone and
dialed a number.

	"Greetings," he said into the phone. "I seek information of a
particular nature." He paused to listen. "Yes, I am prepared to offer
your usual fee." Another pause. "Recently, an innocent young woman has
been beset by a pair of horns on her head. I wish to know what sort of
affliction would cause this, and what might cure it. Yes, I shall hold."

	With nothing to do but wait, Hikaru stared anxiously at the wall
until his mother nudged him. "Hikaru? There's a phone call for you."

	He nodded and walked into the kitchen, where his father handed
him the receiver. "Hello?"

	"Ah, Gosunkugi." Nabiki Tendo's voice. "Just a friendly reminder
about a certain payment due by the end of the week."

	His chest tightened. "I-- I don't know if I'll have the money by
then. Would... would it be possible to extend--"

	"Of *course* you may have an extension. After all, we're
schoolmates, aren't we? We're here to help each other out. I do
something for you, you do something for me."

	"What-- what do you want?" His heart pounded in his chest.

	"Just the answer to one little question. It's not even anything
personal."

	"What question?"

	"If a pair of horns appear on someone's head, what does it
mean?"

	Hikaru let out a relieved breath. That was easy. "I read a
magazine article about that. It probably means that the person is
possessed by an oni."

	"An oni, eh? How would someone like that be un-possessed?"

	He thought back to what the magazine had said. "According to
what I read, all you have to do is hit them on the head. Oni can't stand
physical pain."

	"I see. Thank you for the info, Gosunkugi. I'll be in touch with
you later about your payment."

	Hikaru thanked her, and hung up the phone. When he got back to
the family room, Kuno was still on his cellular.

	"Yes. Yes. I understand. I shall deliver payment to you at my
earliest opportunity. Goodbye."

	He hung up and put the phone back inside his gi.

	"According to the information I have uncovered, it seems the
comely Ranko is possessed by a spirit known as an oni. Though it will
pain me to do so, I shall free her by striking her on the head. She
shall then no doubt be so grateful that she will immediately demand to
date with me." He eyed Hikaru with an expression of superiority.
"Perhaps now you are able to appreciate the value of a reliable source
of information."

***

	By late afternoon, Ranma was bored out of his skull. His mother
had taken him to a jewelers where she had gotten her watch fixed, then
to a fabric store and to another one that sold embroidery kits. What was
worse yet, he'd had to pretend to be interested in all of this. He hoped
he'd run into a rampaging martial artist or whatever; at least that
would give him something to do.

	Behind his mother, he stepped out of the sewing goods store, and
heard a familiar voice. "Ranko Tendo!"

	Ranma spotted Kuno and bounded into the air towards him,
intending to clamp his mouth shut before he could manage to say 'Ranko,
I wish to date with you.' At least, Ranma noted, Kuno had learned his
name, or rather his alias.

	Kuno's bokken suddenly flashed out. Ranma jerked his head to the
side, narrowly avoiding the strike.

	"What the heck?"

	"Forgive me, Ranko Tendo, but I do what I must!" Kuno raised his
bokken for a second strike.

	For a moment Ranma stopped to think. His usual response to Kuno
was to boot him down the street and walk away. But Kuno was acting
different now. Instead of making advances on his 'pig-tailed girl,' he
was getting violent. This was a totally different situation.

	Ranma booted Kuno down the street and walked away.

***

	A furtive glance up the stairs told Ranma that the hallway was
clear. His mother had gone into the kitchen; from there, he could hear
the sounds of food frying, sizzling like high-voltage power lines.
Kasumi would be cooking too. Pop and Mr. Tendo were absorbed in a game
of shogi, and Akane wasn't back from the library yet. This was the
perfect time.

	He bounded up the stairs, arriving at the top just as Nabiki
came out of her room. She took one look at him and sniggered loudly,
eyes gaping in disbelief.

	Ranma sighed in resignation. Of *course* with his luck it was
too much to ask to get changed before anyone saw him. "Oh, laugh it up,
why don't ya."

	"Don't mind if I do, thank you," she said. "Sailor Ranma!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You... you didn't even get it right. The 'dumplings' are
supposed to be further back."

	"Yeah, whatever."

	"Why'd you change your hair, Ranma? You wouldn't be hiding
something, would you?"

	"Of course not! I just...." Ranma stepped past her towards his
room's door, not bothering to finish what would be a lame excuse. He
knew that he was never going to hear the end of this now. *Cute little
Sailor Ranma. The toughest martial artist ever to wear a dress in
Japan.* Whatever. At the moment, all he wanted was to change his clothes
and undo all the wishes that had been inflicted on him.

	"If you've got a problem, Ranma, I'd be only too happy to help
you out."

	He turned his head just enough to see her face. "For a price,
right?"

	"Here's the deal." Her thin smile was both predatory and
patronizing. "Every time I help you out of trouble, you owe me a wish.
And you don't turn back into a boy until my wish is through."

	"Oh yeah, right. I'll end up stuck as a girl my whole life."

	"No longer than a day per wish," she answered without missing
any time, "unless we agree to a longer time beforehand. How's that
sound?"

	"Forget it." He didn't know what her game was, but she had
obviously thought it out in detail. The only safe thing for him to do
was not to play. "I'll just go use hot water."

	"Let me know if you change your mind," she said, sounding not
the least bit disappointed. "The offer's always open!"

***

	In his bedroom, Ranma quickly fixed his hair back to normal,
then took off his dress and hung it in the back of his closet. Throwing
on one of his regular outfits, he headed quickly over to the bathroom,
where he stripped naked. Without bothering to rinse with cold water
first, he dove straight for the tub.

	"Ahhhh." For a few moments, Ranma sat back, savoring the warmth
of the water. He was male, he had no horns (running a hand through his
hair confirmed this) He was content.

	Of course, it couldn't last. As long as his mother was around,
he had to be 'Ranko.' He stood, letting the water drip from his body as
he dried himself with a towel. Then, reaching over to the sink, he
turned on the water and splashed himself in the face. The genie costume
appeared on his now-female body; he removed it and put his own clothes
back on, throwing the costume into the laundry basket.

	The bathroom door swung closed behind him as he walked out into
the hall. Akane came walking up the steps. "Ranma? How was your shopping
trip?"

	"Um, fine," he said, aware that he wasn't sounding too
convincing but not caring all that much. "No problem." Well, there had
been problems, of course, but they were solved. And he had solved them
on his own, without needing help.

	"Ask Ranma about the new hairdo he had a little while ago,
Akane," Nabiki called from her room. "He wouldn't tell me why he was
wearing it. I think he might've been on the horns of a dilemma this
afternoon."

	"Whaddaya mean by that?!" It sounded like she knew. But how
could she?

	"A new hairstyle?" Akane smirked slightly. "Was it cute, Ranma?"

	"No, it wasn't, Akane. I'm a GUY! I ain't *supposed* to be
cute!"

	"Awww, I bet it was adorable," she teased. "I wish I could see
what it looked like."

	"Aarrgh!" Ranma reached up and confirmed that his hair was back
into Sailor Moon mode. "You *knew* that was gonna happen!"

	"Oh, calm down, Ranma." Akane giggled. "It *does* look cute!"

	Ranma opened his mouth, but all that came out was an
unintelligible grumbling. Annoyance and frustration left him momentarily
at a loss for words.

	"All right, already," she said as she opened the door to her
bedroom. "I wish you were back the way you were earlier." Ranma glanced
to the side and saw his usual pigtail. "There. Happy now?"

	He just snorted as he pushed quickly past, tromping down the
stairs.

***

	Ranma entered the kitchen. His mother was chopping meat up into
little chunks with a cleaver. Kasumi stood over the stove, stirring the
contents of a fry pan.

	"Hey, Kasumi." Ranma opened up the refrigerator. "Got anything
to drink in here?"

	"You're in luck, Ranm-- Ranko," she said. "I made some lemonade
this afternoon. There's half a pitcher left."

	"Cool." Ranma spotted the pitcher in question and brought it
out. Taking a glass from the cupboard, he poured himself some lemonade,
then drank.

	Kasumi turned towards him, and her eyes widened into a puzzled
stare. "What's that on your head?"

	His hand reached up to where she was looking and felt. The horns
were back. Lemonade sprayed from his mouth. His mother stopped cutting
and began to turn towards him.

	Ranma's arm reached out in desperation, grabbing the first thing
he found and covering his head with it.

	"This? This is a pot, Kasumi. Normally used for cooking, it also
serves a useful function in the area of martial arts training."

	"Goodness, I didn't know that!" She sounded genuinely surprised.

	"Ranko," Ranma's mother said, "what are you--"

	"That's right, Kasumi." Ranma moved, trying to remember where
the exit was, as the pot blocked his eyes. "You see, one never knows
whether an opponent will place a pot on one's head during combat.
Therefore, one must practice fighting with a pot on the head in order to
cover that eventuality."

	"How interesting," Kasumi said. "But don't you want the rest of
your lemonade?"

	"No time! A martial artist's training is never finished!" Ranma
collided with a wall. He reached out with his hands and found the
doorway to the living room.

	"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "I was going to cook tonight's rice in
that."

	"There's something very odd about that girl," Ranma heard his
mother say as he left the kitchen.

***

	Ranma heard a familiar voice. "Ranko Tendo!"

	The shrill whistle of bokken slicing through air alerted him,
and he jumped aside. "Not again! Just go away, you jerk!" He punctuated
his sentence by taking the pot from his head and banging it into Kuno's;
it rang like a gong.

	"Forgive me, Ranko Tendo!" Kuno raised his bokken. "I only do
what I must, as an expression of my undying affection and devotion!"
Behind him, Nabiki watched with an expression of mild curiosity.

	"That's how you express your affection?" Ranma had heard about
people like that, who were into... what did they call it? Bandage? M and
S? "You sicko!"

	The bokken came down. Ranma grabbed it and jerked it out of
Kuno's hand, then snapped it in half like a twig. He was fed up. There
had to be something he could do to get Kuno to stop pestering him.

	"Look here, Kuno." He pointed to his horns. "See these? Know
what they mean? I'm an oni."

	Nabiki's eyes drifted over to stare at something behind Ranma.
He wondered what she was up to for a moment, then decided it didn't
matter. He was going to convince Kuno to stay away from him.

	"Get it?" He advanced, bending his head down so Kuno would be
looking right at the horns. "I'm one of those evil spirits who assume
human form in order to lead people into temptation and stuff."

	A voice came from behind him. "Ranko?!"

	Ranma whirled around to see his mother, sword in hand. "AAAAAA!
It's-- it's not what it--" He backed away from her.

	Nabiki stopped Ranma with a hand on the shoulder. "Don't worry,
Mrs. Saotome, there's a simple explanation for this. Isn't there,
'Ranko?'"

	Ranma sighed. "One day?" he whispered. Nabiki nodded, and he
nodded back.

	"It's quite simple," she said to Ranma's mother. "I'll show
you." Suddenly, she grabbed onto Ranma's arm, twisting it behind his
back.

	"Huh?! What the heck you doing?!"

	"Now, Kuno-chan!" she shouted. "Let her have it!"

	Before Ranma could react, Kuno's bokken smacked him in the head.
At the same time, Nabiki whispered in his ear. "I wish your horns would
disappear."

	"Victory is mine!" Kuno raised his stick triumphantly. "I,
Tatewaki Kuno, have cast out the malevolent spirit which had possessed
the beauteous Ranko!"

	"She was possessed?!" Ranma's mother gaped with astonishment. "I
never realized...."

	"Ranko Tendo, be not angry," Kuno said. "I struck you only to
free you from the demon that had taken you over."

	"Um, that's okay, man...." Ranma couldn't find it in himself to
be mad. Kuno was an idiot, but it seemed like he was genuinely trying to
help. His heart was in the right place, even if his brain wasn't. "Don't
worry about it."

	"Please know that I bear you no ill will. On the contrary, my
fondest wish is to date with you."

	Ranma's surroundings faded.

***

	Soft violin music drifted across candle-lit tables at the Cafe
Hiyo. The unusual clothing worn by one particular couple attracted
stares from the other patrons, but no one was impolite enough to remark
on it.

	"The kendo club turned to me before the match against Makeru
High, seeking another of my brilliant strategic inventions. I was, of
course, capable of winning the match on my own, but one must take pity
on the lower classes in life. So thusly did I create a series of
ingenious training exercises that would have the effect of...."

	*Ugh...* Ranma thought as he tried to mentally tune out Kuno's
blather. *Kill me now.*

***

AUTHOR'S NOTES: As even doing revisions on the previous chapters is
taking a good deal longer than anticipated, it seems pretty certain that
this series won't be finished by the time the FFML goes offline. I do
intend to finish it, though, and if you want to receive future episodes
post FFML, send your email address to gary at garykleppe.org and I'll make
sure they get to you when they're ready. I promise not to sell, give, or
trade your address to anyone else. Please do NOT send such requests to
the FFML. Comments on the story are still welcome on-list (or off if you
prefer).