[FFML] A Star Trek/Ashen Stars Story

[Gary Kleppe]

On 10/21/2017 03:20 PM, John Biles wrote:

> “Chekov ambushed me to pitch the New Orion mission,” Uhura said, coming in
> and leaning on the wall.  “Going to seduce me with your sexy chest?” she
> said, smiling at him.

SULU: Hailing frequencies are open, if you know what I mean, and I think 
you do.

UHURA: Hard reverse, mister helmsman.

SULU: Huh huh you said "hard"...

UHURA: No!

> He was naked to the waist and had on his work pants under that; she was in…
> they didn’t have uniforms, but it was basically her uniform, a red
> wrap-around tunic and black leggings with high boots.  They still tended to
> wear their old official colors if they didn’t think about it, which
> sometimes amused him and sometimes embarrassed him.  She was probably
> beautiful but he wasn’t into women.

Well, George Takei isn't, but it's not clear that Sulu is in the same 
category. His parallel universe version spent a lot of time hitting on 
Uhura.

> And she knew, so she was just teasing him.
> 
> “Totally,” he said, then laughed.  “So, we have two choices.  An easy
> transport job for more money, or something actually worth our time.  Also,
> this one means we don’t have to listen to diplomats complain at the
> accomodations.”

accommodations

> The voice of Scotty now came out of the intercom box over the door. “Sorry
> lads and lasses. 
Unless he's calling them sorry (as in "Sorry excuse for ship officers 
you lot are!") you need a comma there:

Sorry, lads and lasses.

 > The bad news is that the framistat just blew out during

Unless you don't want the reader to take this seriously, I suggest 
coming up with a different name for this component.

SCOTT: The framistat's started feedin' back into the doohickey and the 
whole thing's in danger of overloadin' the thingumybob!

> “Dancing is illogical, outside certain rites,” Spock said over the
> intercom.  Keen Vulcan hearing at work.
> 
> “Intercom off,” Sulu said and they heard the click; the bridge could turn
> it back on if needed.  “Distract me from…”  *Jerk*  He made a grumbling

Suggest: The ship jerked. (At first I thought Sulu was thinking that 
Spock was a jerk.)

> I guess I’m lucky we didn’t get scattered to the winds like so many crews
> when the War ended, Sulu thought.
> 
> His com unit, which sat on top of his dresser suddenly began to ping over

com unit which sat on top of his dresser suddenly began to

or

com unit, which sat on top of his dresser, suddenly began to

> “Should I go?” Uhura asked him, looking at the phone.
> 
> “I should catch up on this before the meeting,” he said.  “But it can wait.”

SULU: Hey! The president of Nigeria wants me to help him transfer fifty 
trillion credits!

UHURA: That's a scam. The real president of Nigeria and I dated in college.

> “Spaaaaace Cabby,” McCoy said, imitating the opening of an old pre-war
> Serial.

McCOY: o/~ I'm a spaaaace cabby... bet you weren't ready for that...

> Spock walked over, spread his arms and knealt, then took a photo and ran

knelt

> I hope you are proud of me, Chekov thought.  He did the best he could but
> wasn’t sure if he could ever live up to his brother.  He wanted to be more
> than just Ivan’s replacement but sometimes that just meant being the ‘Mom’
> and he didn’t like that either.

In Canon _Star Trek,_ Chekov is an only child. See _Day of the Dove._ 
This could of course be different in your alternate version.

> “I’ll stay, but I won’t like it,” he said somberly, staring off past her at
> his memories.  The Enterprise had been caught in the surprise attack and
> 100 crewmen died, though they had fought their way out.  One of them had

suggest: a hundred crewmen

> Then Rand saw vines moving like snakes, coming in their directions. “The
> plants,” she said.  “There is an intelligence controlling the plants!”  She
> opened a line to the Leningrad.  “Mr. Sulu, be ready to fly at a moment’s
> notice.  Something can control the plantlife here.  You had better lift off
> just enough to scorch the ground under you again.”

SWAMP THING: You... should not have... come here.

> Opening his mind to Chekov but not the plants was tricky, but Spock had
> tried to compensate for lack of talent with training and he felt he’d
> succeeded.  Enough to reach, barely, Chekov’s mind.  ‘Can you hear me, Mr.
> Chekov?’
> 
> ‘DAMMIT SULU I COULD BE PUTTING A WORD IN FOR MY HOMELAND AT THAT

‘DAMMIT, SULU, I COULD

> The scientists were crammed into the convertible hold, which had been
> converted to its ‘bulk dormitory’ mode.  Unfortunately, bulk dormitory

Suggest: Unfortunately, a bulk dormitory

> could only hold 8 unless people shared a bed, so some were on the floor

Suggest: could only hold eight

> They were not as hardened as some had become, but the war had touched them
> all.
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A nice read, though pretty heavy with exposition in some parts. With a 
completely new fusion continuity this is inevitable to a certain degree, 
but maybe go through and see what you can save for later. You can also 
just offhand mention some things without going into full explanations, 
or try to work them in in ways that showcase the characters' feelings or 
other elements that drive the story going forward.

That said, and I know this is faint praise, but this was one of the more 
interesting things on the list lately, and I look forward to seeing more 
when you get a chance.