[FFML] [Fanfic] [Alt Uni Fic] [Fic] [Ocarina Of Time] [AU] The Farmgirl And Her Knight -- Prologue {Please C&c}

[Dot Warner]

Disclaimer: I am opinionated and blunt.  I try my best to give constructive criticism, but I've been told I come off as harsh and nitpicky.  Take my C&C with a grain of salt.


>  Malon was tending the horses. 

I would suggest that you start with Link injured and alone in the forest, or Link arriving at Lon-Lon ranch on the verge of dying, as this ramps up the tension and raises interest in what happened, as well as what's going to happen.

>  "There you go girl." Malon spoke fondly to
>  Midnight, a pure black mare that was her second favorite.

You don't seem given to excessive Purple Prose, so I encourage you to avoid -ly adverbs in narrative.  (No particular reason, I'm just not a fan of them in narrative.  In dialogue? Go for it.)
  
>  'I wonder how Epona is doing?' she thought, thinking of her favorite horse.
>  'I hope my Knight is taking good care of her.'
>  
>  She giggled and blushed.
>  
>  'My Knight.' she thought. 'He saved me from Ingo when Ingo was under
>  Gannondorf's spell. He saved us all here on the ranch. 

I believe "he saved me; he saved us all" would suffice, and if you want to go in fuller detail maybe a flashback would work better.

>  I wonder if you are
>  alright now my Knight?'

alright now, my

>  ***
>  
>  A young man dressed in a green tunic, green hat, brown leather gauntlets,
>  white leggings, and brown leather boots stumbled from the Forest Temple. 

Why this particular order of clothing description? Why not go, say, from top to bottom, or from generic to detailed? Why not also describe his injuries or his state of mind?

>  He
>  leaned against the wall, gasping heavily.
>  
>  'Saria.' he thought. 'Who could have guessed you were the Forest Sage? But
>  I can't think of anyone more suited to it than you, my friend.'
>  
>  He smiled. 'But, I will see you again. All I have to do is beat Gannondorf,
>  and you can return to Hyrule.'
>  
>  He gasped, and doubled over clutching his side.
>  
>  'That is, if I live that long.' he thought.
>  
>  "Link!" a young girl's voice called out from a glowing blue ball of light.
>  "You're wounded badly! You need to drink some of that Lon Lon Milk you
>  have!"
>  
>  "Gee, ya think?" Link replied sarcastically.
>  
>  Navi gasped. 'Since when did Link start channeling Jack O'Neill?' she
>  thought.

This comparison broke suspension of disbelief for me because I had to stop and wonder if _Stargate_ would exist as a fictional series within the _Ocarina of Time_ world, but as far as I can tell the _Legend of Zelda_ series is its own universe with a very loose sense of continuity between series.  It seems likelier to me that Navi would compare Link to some person she knows or has heard of in "canon".  The same goes for the rest of the references below; I'd save maybe one of them for a punchline, but since the humor lies pretty much in a reader recognizing the namedrops I don't find them all that funny.

>  "Sorry Navi." said Link, ashamed of having snapped at his friend. "I must
>  be more out of it than I thought. Good idea about the milk." he said while
>  resuming a standing position, and reaching into his subspace pocket for the
>  bottle of the magical milk of healing.

>  He pulled out... a rubber chicken. "How did that get in there?" he asked.

Confession: this made me laugh even though rubber chickens are anachronistic to the _Ocarina of Time_ world (though maybe a "rubber cucco" might be funnier?)

Also, I'd suggest that you avoid using ellipses to signify pauses or hesitation in narration or dialogue, as that's not common use in English grammar.
  
>  He then pulled out a deck of Dual Monsters cards, and the complete Ranma
>  1/2 manga.
>  
>  "That was sure fun to read about." he chuckled.
>  
>  He then pulled out the crown jewels of England, a GBA, a Fire Emblem cart
>  for the GBA, an instruction book for a suit for a man named Ralph Hinkley, a
>  book titled 'Various Demons and the many different ways to kill them' by
>  Xander Harris.
>  
>  'That sure came in useful.' Link thought.
>  
>  Then he pulled out the skull of Brian Boru, a Chibi-Usa suit.
>  
>  "What the heck is this?" he asked.
>  
>  He then pulled out a bag full of chocolate, the Book of Clow, The Wheel of
>  Time series.
>  
>  "That's an interesting story there." said Link.
>  
>  He then pulled out a babel fish, a book of Zorkian magic, and finally the
>  milk he was after.

I'm undecided on whether this gag is too long or not long enough.  (And again, the whole references issue.)
  
>  He drank it down and his wounds stopped bleeding, but did not heal
>  completely.

Oh, so he's been bleeding all this time? I suggest you establish that at the beginning.  (And, in my opinion, that changes the whole tone of the gag.  It starts out humorous, but gets more and more dramatic and desperate as he rummage fails.  Then maybe throw one more joke in for some mood whiplash.)
  
>  "Drink some more Link." said Navi.
>  
>  "There isn't anymore." said Link, shaking the bottle up and down to
>  demonstrate. "I'll have to drop by the ranch and get some more from Malon."
>  
>  "You just want to go there and flirt with her." said Navi.
>  
>  "That's not why I want to go there!" said Link blushing. "I want to get
>  some more milk. Besides, she's the one always flirting with me."
>  
>  "Yeah, right... sure she is." said Navi with a smirk and the giggling tone
>  girls use.

Yeah, right, sure
  
>  Link blushed more and then put all the stuff back in his subspace pocket
>  and then made his way out of the Lost Woods, and into the Kokiri Village.
>  
>  "Hey Mister." a young looking Kokiri girl said to him. "You did it! The
>  monsters are gone! Thank you!"

Why the descriptor "a young looking Kokiri girl" here? Sure, the reader doesn't know who this person is, but both Link and an omniscient narrator would.  (And isn't "young looking" redundant for the Kokiri?)

>  Link just blinked at her feeling tired, blood loss will do that to you, and
>  said "You're welcome Cecial."

feeling tired--blood loss will do that do a person--and
  
>  The girl looked at him and asked "How did you know my name?"
>  
>  'Uh oh.' thought Link. 'She'll never believe me if tell her who I am.'
>  "Um... Saria told me." he said.

Um--Saria
  
>  "You've seen Saria?" she asked. "How is she? Where is she?"
>  
>  "Um..." Link said. 'What am I gonna tell her now?' he thought. 'Well,
>  better just tell her the truth.'

"Um."

>  ***
>  
>  "So, Saria is the Sage of the Forest." Cecial said. "And... YOU'RE LINK?!
>  But... HOW?! KOKIRI DON'T AGE!" she shrieked in surprise.

And--_you're_ Link? But--how? Kokiri don't age!

>  "Well..." Link started to say. "I'm actually Hylian. The Deku Tree took me
>  in and never performed the ceremony to turn me into a Kokiri." 'Ugh!' he
>  thought. 'Man I feel bad. Everything is getting blurry.' Then he fell into

Man, I

>  the darkness, and knew no more.
>  
>  "LINK!" screamed Cecial. She rushed to his side and felt for a pulse. Her
>  hand came away covered in blood.
>  
>  She screamed, and attracted the attention of the other Kokiri.
>  
>  She quickly explained that this was Link, and the Deku Tree hadn't
>  performed the ceremony to turn him into a Kokiri so that explained why he
>  had aged now, and now was dying.
>  
>  Cecial was panicking. She had just seen her long lost friend Link collapse,
>  and start bleeding in front of her.
>  
>  'What can I do?' she thought frantically.
>  
>  She calmed down and thought.
>  
>  She turned to the other Kokiri and said "Help me get him to the Great Deku
>  Tree Sprout. He may be able to help him. Hurry!"
>  
>  The Kokiri did as she asked and quickly carried Link to the Great Deku Tree
>  Sprout.
>  
>  ***
>  
>  Cecial paced back and forth waiting impatiently.
>  
>  
>  
>  To Be Continued
>  
>  
>  

While the cliffhanger is effective, I'd much rather you at least let us read to the adventure hook before dropping a "To Be Continued" on us.

-"Dot"
http://dotchan.com/

I'm my own mind-altering substance. 8)