[FFML] [Ranma/Various] Avenging Act IV Chapter 5

[Abdiel]

As I mentioned in my previous review/critique of the previous chapter,
welcome back. Now let's get started. Here's my lengthy EULA of sorts made
by Benjamin A. Oliver:

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On Fri, Jun 20, 2014 at 2:13 PM, dbsommer <sommert at consolidated.net> wrote:

> All the previous chapters and my other works are stored at:
>
>
>
> At fanfiction.net:http://www.fanfiction.net/

Like before, I suggest:

At fanfiction.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/32921/

Or:

At fanfiction.net:  https://www.fanfiction.net/u/32921/DB-Sommer

> Forward: What's gone on before. The Hate Monger drove a mutant singer
crazy, who then tried to make everyone else crazy, before being stopped by
both Thor and some other mutants. Someone was upset at making a mistake at
a party Kodachi and Captain Japan (and the late Orochimaru) attended and is
cleaning up her mess with her shapechanging, power duplicating minion and is

I missed this in the last Forward, but shouldn't "shapechanging" be
"shapeshifting" or "shape-shifting"?

> [Yes, this is mostly a humorous side story, but I want to try and start
writing again and this is a good way to get into the swing of things]

Humor has always seemed to be your comfort zone, from my observations. ^_^

> Bucky regarded the terrain, as her father had taught her to always do in
superhero training.

Just a reminder...

12. Avoid "as he": Avoid excessive "as he" constructs. Example: "Mary
turned on the TV as she thought all the time about Joe." Change to: "Mary
turned on the TV, thinking all the time about Joe." Or, better yet: "Mary
turned on the TV and thought about Joe."

http://sprott.physics.wisc.edu/pickover/bestseller.html

> Terrain was useful in determining what sort of bad guy one dealt with.
For instance, if they had a secret underground base named Bitterfrost in
the middle of Siberia, they probably didn't use heat based attacks.

Revise: heat-based

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-modifiers) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated,
even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words
hanging in mid-air!).
> In this case the terrain was pure swamp. It was fairly standard for a
swamp. Damp, smelly,

Revise: In this case, the

Use of comma:

5. After certain introductory elements,
 (e) After an introductory adverbial element.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

> and filled with every mosquito in the world. Apparently imbibing Super
Soldier Serum did not

Revise: Apparently, imbibing

> At least there weren't any mossy swamp monsters, apparently a commonality
in many of them. They tended to be gooey, burned you if you were afraid of
them, and hung out with talking ducks. At least that was what his father
claimed to have heard.

Swamp Thing, much?

Also, did you know that Ranma 1/2 had a live-action version back in 2011? I
don't know, it was the first thing that came to my mind when you mentioned
Ranma's dad, Genma.

> For all that was awful, it was yet normal for a swamp. The only strange
thing was the mansion a few hundred feet away. It was in the style of an
American plantation house from the 1800's,

Revise: 1800s

You don't need the apostrophe there.

> A few lights could be seen through shutter covered windows, indicating
some sort of

Revise: shutter-covered

> And Thor had the audacity to say Bucky intentionally had the bottom
burned out of her outfit so she could moon the everyone and have some cute
guy rub aloe on her backside!

Revise: the everyone = everyone

Sounds like something Zoidberg of Futurama fame would say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQVnRKIpzAU

> Putting angry thoughts aside, Bucky said. "So let me get this straight.
The local authorities

Revise: Bucky said. "So = Bucky said, "So

Since, you know, she said it and all.

> they want us to investigate because the police chief is certain a super
villain is involved."

And here we see her use "super villain". Please be consistent. If it's
super villain, use super hero. If it's supervillain, use superhero. If it's
super-villain, use super-hero. Just stick to one style.

> "That's the size of it," Giant Man said.

*Ba-dum-twish*.

> "And Thor didn't want to come along because she was convinced that the
only reason someone would dig up a bunch of corpses was so for...?"

Suggest: was so for..? = was for...?

> "And now I disagree." It had been going so well, too. "I feel compelled
to caution you to not shoot people in the head with arrows until we're
absolutely certain they're members of the undead."

Dialog sounds a little stilted here. I'm not sure this is what you're
intentionally going for, having people sound like Thor in... Asgardian mode.

> Bucky was really concerned.

Suggest: Bucky's eyebrows furrowed/A cold sweat dripped from behind Bucky's
nape/Bucky's heart went faster than before/Was it her, or did the
surrounding air seemed thicker and harder to breathe than usual?

1. Show Not Tell

It's better to show through a character's actions than "tell" by having the
narrator describe. Please do not "tell."

Example 1: "Garth became nervous" is "telling." It is better to "show"
with: "Garth's hands trembled."

Example 2: "Garth did not want to go down the hall with the Major" is
"telling." It is better to "show" with: "What?" Garth said. "There's no way
in hell I'm going with you!"

http://sprott.physics.wisc.edu/pickover/bestseller.html

> Hawkeye sounded way too eager to start driving things into people's
skulls. She'd been muttering about the zombie apocalypse under her breath
for a while now. It was a recipe for disaster.

Again, show not tell. Show Hawkeye muttering rather than Ranma saying it.

Same with any statement that sounds like it's too on the nose. Remember,
describe the smoke, imply the fire.


> "There are no such things as zombies," Giant Man seconded. "And the idea
that missing corpses mean walking dead is indeed silly."

Since he's a scientist like Pym, he should explain things like Neil
Degrasse Tyson did.

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/15/buzzkill-of-science-neil-degrasse-tyson-explains-why-zombies-are-purely-fantasy/

> "I agree." Bucky was glad Giant Man was along. He was the most level
headed of the bunch. The least enthusiastic, but most level headed.

Revise: levelheaded

It's actually a word.

> "When people start talking zombies, it's some sort of cover for an
illegal enterprise. Everybody knows they always use disguises such as
zombies, ghosts, witches or abominable snowmen to scare people off so their
illegal activities go unnoticed."

R.I.P. Casey Kasem.

> "Nevermind," Even Giant Man had let her down. This was going to be bad.
She could feel it. "Hey Hulk, you want to guess what missing bodies mean."

Revise: Never mind.

Nevermind isn't strictly speaking one word.

> That brought Bucky to a stop. "Wait, this place was actually owned by
someone named Herbert West?"
>
>
> "Of course not! It was a joke!"

So this chapter is References the Fan Fiction? ^^; I half-expect Quentin
Tarantino to point out all the references.

> "Why does Hulk need to open door? Why not Shield Girl do it?"
>
>
> "Because you're the best door opener on the team."

Can't argue with that.

> Everyone tensed up as the Hulk did as he was asked. To everyone's
surprise the interior of

Revise: surprise, the

> He was in a DJ booth, mixing a dubstep beat in loud tones that caused
everyone's bones to vibrate.

Wow. Dubstep, really?

Wow. Never thought I'd see a fanfic of yours cover that... genre.

> They were also all in various states of decomposition.

Ranma: What's this? Dead Dead Revolution? Dance of the Dead?

> Giant Man said, "Well, I still think this is some criminal enterprise and
that guy is wearing some sort of witch doctor outfit, so I'm not entirely
wrong either.

Revise: Witchdoctor

Actually a word.

> Bucky had a similar opinion when it came to dubstep.

You were listening to cassettes and one of your enemies used a cassette
player to defeat you back in the Nineties, Grandpa Ranma.

> The group made their way to the DJ booth. Upon seeing them, the DJ
stopped with the music and said. "Darn. I was afraid of this. Busted by
superheroes. Unless you're here to dance?" he said hopefully.

>superheroes

Ah, here we go again. Pick one. Hyphenated, two words, or one word.

> "Afraid not Mr...?"

Suggest: Mister...?

Grammar Rule #17: Avoid excessive use of ampersands & abbrevs., etc.

> "My real name is Bob Makihara, but since I'm dressed in this the title of
Black Talon is more appropriate. You're probably wondering how this
situation came to be."

Poor Bob. Nothing more than a side character in that convoluted mess that
was Tenjou Tenge. In fairness to him, even the main character was reduced
to being a side character thanks to the Endless. Fucking. Flashbacks.

Ito Ogure might be a great artists, but his storytelling skills leave much
to be desired.

Also, it's awfully nice of him to offer his secret identity, or at least
real name, to the superheroes who busted him.

> "Oh," Bucky deflated a little. Most villains minds operated like that.

Revise: villains' (missing apostrophe)

Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when
its not needed and use it correctly with words' that show possession.

> "I decided to open an underground club, but I still had a problem with
finances. No banker would loan me money to operate an underground club."
>
>
>
> "And that was when you raised a zombie army to get vengeance on those
that wouldn't give you a loan?"
>
>
>
> "No! Of course not. I saved up my money like any normal person would."

I'm sensing a pattern here.

> "Said the man in the chicken outfit," Daredevil muttered.

Shut up, stupid Satan Man.

> "Anyway, the only place I could afford was this. It was dirt cheap since
it was run down and in the middle a swamp. Only there was a problem."

I think that's supposed to be "rundown".

> "No! That's absurd. Zombies are not like cockroaches. Anyway, the problem
was apparently people don't want to go to an underground dance club in the
middle of a swamp. So I was forced to employ the talents of my Haitian
ancestors and used voodoo to raise the dead so I could have someone dance
in my club."

Bob Makihara was Haitian? Huh.

> "I call it 'The House of the Dead'."

Bob Makihara: I call it, "The Aristocrats!"

> The Hulk's veins started throbbing as he shouted, "Only movie was bad!
Very, very bad! Bad plot! Bad dialogue! Bad acting! Except Prochnow! Hulk
remember good guy say to bad guy, 'You created all this to become immortal.
Why?' and bad guy say, "So I can live forever,'! Hulk can write better than
that and HULK CAN'T WRITE!"

So you're now doing fanfic movie reviews, DB? ^_~

> The rubble was already shifting as Bucky lamented, "You know, when we
first got together, I never thought we'd be reduced to ending up in swamps
fighting evil DJs."
>
>
>
> "Can we truly call him evil?" Giant Man wondered.
>
>
>
> "Do you want your ancestors remains desecrated and forced to dance to
dubstep?"

*Ba-dum-twish*.

> xxxxxxxxxxxx
>
>
>
> [End chapter]
>
>
>
> yes, it's silly, but I need to get back into the swing of things. And I
think I owed it to an obscure character like Mercurio to get his name
dropped. ^_^

Hmmm.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercurio_the_4-D_Man

Faaascinating. So he's essentially Gill from Street Fighter III. Uh, an
intergalactic Gill. With a more convoluted reason for having fire and ice
powers.

> And yes, House of the Dead is that bad, and that really was a line of
dialogue in it.

Hopefully, it was hilariously bad. Anyway, here's the Broken Grammar Rules
List for this chapter.

Grammar Rule #17: Avoid excessive use of ampersands & abbrevs., etc.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-modifiers) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated,
even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words
hanging in mid-air!).

As for the Story Itself: I like the previous chapter last year better (that
I just reviewed), but only because it moved the plot. This one was okay,
and amusing in its own right. It's nice to see you get back on the swing of
things, and the jokes for the most part worked,
especially Hulk's complaints about House of the Dead.

Keep on writing,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
ones telling you they still love you and care."
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