[FFML] [Fanfic][R1/2] Family Secrets - Chapter 4

[Gary Kleppe]

On 04/01/2014 02:14 PM, Ignacio Moreno wrote:

> If you are interested, you can find the previous chapter in fanfiction.net.


I don't think I've read any of this before, but I think I'll just try to 
follow along as best I can.


>   - Please Read & Review.


As always, the best way to get lots of responses is to give lots of them 
out to others.


>   The haste of the young chef wasn't normal.


Wording there seems a bit clumsy. If nothing else, "the young chef's 
haste" would be more direct.


>   Everything had gone wrong less than half an hour ago when, after
> accumulating enough courage, she had asked Ranma the reason for his icy
> behavior towards her in recent times. Her question had led to a completely
> unexpected reaction from her fiancé, and had sown her mind with a sea of
> doubts.


The mixed metaphor is awkward. In general, try to avoid overused stock 
expressions.


>   Could it all have been Nodoka's plan to cause a rift between Ranma and his
> other fiancées? Could it be that he really wanted to marry? That they l...?


UKYO: ...lunched at my competitor's restaurant?! RAN-CHAN! How dare you?!


> No, it couldn't be possible. She had heard rumors of what happened at Mount
> Phoenix, but that doesn't mean anything. She would have done the same if
> she had had the chance... But it hadn't been her, if not Akane, who had


I don't quite get what "if not Akane" means here.


>   Her doubts accompanied her all the way back, hovering around her mind like
> vultures around a dying animal, similarly denying her peace and tranquility.


That's a much better use of descriptive metaphor.


>   While her mind sailed her uncertainties, her feet had led her to her


"mind sailed her uncertainties"? I don't even know what that's supposed 
to mean.

UKYO: Yo ho ho, it's a sailor's life for me! Or maybe it isn't. Don't 
know, really.


> restaurant and home. And now, from its door, a female figure called her
> urgently.
>
>   The figure had long black hair tied back in a ponytail. She wore a
> beautiful traditional kimono slightly worn, with a matching obi tied in a
> big bow at the back. Over the kimono she wore an apron identifying her as
> the waitress of Okonomiyaki Ucchan's, and wore straw sandals.
>
>
> The overall look was that of a beautiful girl, so it was surprising that
> such an example of femininity was a boy.


Except it's not, because Ukyo already knows who and what Konatsu is. Be 
careful about your narrative point of view. Pausing for this long 
description of what Konatsu looks like would be appropriate if we were 
seeing him through the eyes of somebody who'd never met him before. 
That's clearly not the case here.


>   Sighing, Ukyo moved her personal problems aside and got ready to cope with
> the new problems that the figure of her waiter presaged.


Suggest: that her waiter
(eliminate unnecessary verbiage)


>   "Yes, Konatsu? What's happened?" Ukyo asked wearily.
>
> "There's a man waiting for you inside."
>
> "Haven't you told him that we have not opened yet?"


Suggest: that we haven't opened yet? (not using contractions makes it 
sound oddly stuffy.)


> "He isn't a client,"


Suggest: "He isn't a customer,"
(client implies a longer-term business relationship)


> and lowering his voice added: "He appears to be a


he added:


>   A lawyer? What would he want? Would it be about the documents of the
> restaurant? It couldn't be. Everything was in order. His father had


Who does "his" refer to?


>   Ukyo, whose only knowledge about lawyers so far came from movies and TV
> series, expected someone much older and fatter. Her visitor, however, must
> be around thirty years old, was thin and not much taller than herself. Like
> most Japanese, he had black hair, which was as short as to not need to be
> combed and had dark eyes. The modest grey suit that he was wearing, and the
> dark glossy briefcase beside him, corresponded more with her the mental
> image.


Take out "the".


>   Ukyo, surprised by such formality, tried to remember what was supposed to
> be done in these cases. Insecure, she corresponded to the reverence almost


"corresponded to the reverence"? What the heck?


>   "I sincerely regret any inconvenience that my questions could have
> caused," he started apologetically, "but it was necessary that I ensured
> that you are the right person."
>
> "And, am I?"
>
> "Yes, it seems so," Tadashi replied, seemingly immune to the sarcasm of the
> teenager.


Was that supposed to be sarcasm?


> "Unfortunately, our client has expressed a considerable interest in his
> name remaining anonymous."
>
>   The words of the lawyer, very Japanese, were received by Ukyo with a
> disdainful scorn, because it meant an emphatic negative to answer her
> question.


Um, huh?


>   "With respect to this matter," Tadashi continued unshaken, "I could
> guarantee you that his interest is purely philanthropic. On finding out
> your history, he felt so moved for all the distress that the actions of Mr.
> Saotome had caused, that he decided to help you."


UKYO: You mean...

TADASHI: Yes. He's one of those classic Annoying New Characters. In the 
next chapter he'll fight Kuno and then you'll fall in love with him.

UKYO: Not me. Look at the schedule. It's Nabiki's turn.


> "As you say, it can be very difficult to know the whereabouts of the dowry."
> "Ha!"
> "However," the lawyer continued in the same neutral professional, tone.


Since you've been skipping lines between paragraphs, you should do it 
here too.


> "The contract would be void, yes. Logically, your father, as guardian,
> should give his approval. I have to inform you that, according to our
> calculations, a handcrafted okonomiyaki cart with all its papers in order
> for the distribution of food is worth about ten million yen. Anyway..."


I'm certainly not an expert, but this figure seems way too high. It's 
doubtful that you needed official papers to sell okonomiyaki in rural 
Kansai back in Ranma's childhood days, especially in the Ranmaverse 
where law enforcement seems pretty non-existent. Maybe it could work if 
the value included the value of hypothetical future earnings that Ukyo 
*would* have gotten if she'd kept the cart. (We won't even mention that 
the cart actually belonged to the Gambling King, Ukyo having previously 
lost it to him at cards and then stolen it back.)


> "Ten million?" She cut him off, raising her voice.
>
> "Approximately. If you want, I can give you the exact..."
>
>   But Ukyo didn't listen him any longer.
>
>   Surprising herself, she jumped down from the stool and confronted the
> lawyer.
>
>   "And do you think that it solves everything? Take ten million and problem
> solved? And what happens with my feelings? With the suffering of being
> abandoned? With the ten years of shame and dishonor? Do you really think
> that the money will help me to forget?"


Now you've started indenting paragraphs. It's fine if you do, but then 
do it consistently throughout the story.


>   Her shouts echoed all over the place, being able to be heard clearly from
> the street. Drawn by the screams, Konatsu stared at the scene from the door
> of the storeroom, not quite understanding what was happening.


You've broken the point of view here by switching to Konatsu's 
perspective. Is it really worth it?


>   The lawyer did not flinch at such fit of rage and holding her gaze,
> answered peacefully:


at such a fit of rage


>   "I really couldn't say. While it is true that you are clearly deserving of
> compensation for the suffering that Genma's acts have caused to you.
> Therefore, in case of accepting, my client has decided to pay you ten times
> the value of your dowry. Consider it a moral reparation for all the damage
> caused by... ah, the breach of contract."
>
> "Ten times" the young woman asked dubiously, before averting the eyes


"Ten times," the

averting her eyes


> momentarily to focus on the simple operation. "Ten ...A hundred million!?"
>
>   Overwhelmed by the offer, she stepped back until hit the stool where she


until hitting the stool
(or)
until she hit the stool


> had been seated. Tadashi words crossed her mind like a tsunami, sweeping


Tadashi's words


> all her thoughts and leaving behind complete and total incredulity.


sweeping away all her thoughts

TADASHI: I just swept your thoughts.

UKYO: Why?

TADASHI: Because I heard that you had a dirty mind.


>   After regaining control of her mouth, Ukyo only managed to mumble a word:
>
>   "What!?"
> "If you agree," the lawyer continued, "we will take care of all the
> necessary formalities. You only have to indicate the day and the hour
> whenever it suits you, to go to the notary and sign the contract. To
> respect the anonymity of our client, one of the lawyers of our firm will
> act on his behalf. "
> "Bu... Bu ... But this can't be legal!"
> "On the contrary. Anyone can act on behalf of other person as long as this


behalf of another person


> has given his consent and has identified himself properly."


as long as this person has given


>   Ukyo was sure of it. The panda would dance with joy to be rid of her and,
> in turn, she wouldn't care if she never saw him again. And Ranma? Would he
> be pleased too? Some time ago he had told her that they were friends. And
> now? Does he still consider her a friend or simply an obstacle to his


Did he still consider


> wedding with Akane?
>
>   "Do you have any other questions you want me to clarify?" Tadashi asked
> gently.
> "No. Now I can't think of anyone," Ukyo replied weakly.


I can't think of any more,"


>   As she turned the pages, she heard the voice of the lawyer saying:
>
>   "It's a copy of the contract so you can read it. It is quite large, as our
> client wishes to avoid any possibility of misunderstanding or withdrawal."
>
> "Withdr... what?" The girl asked without looking up from the sheets.


TADASHI: My client will deposit one hundred million yen into your bank 
account, with the stipulation that you never take any of it out.

UKYO: Well, that sounds fair... HEY!


> "Good bye."
>
>   Ukyo's gaze followed the lawyer while he left the restaurant.
>
>   Once sure that he wasn't to come back, she relaxed and began to think


wasn't about to come back,


> about what happened.
>
>   Why had she said that would answer him tomorrow? What was the point of so
> much rush? It's clear, wasn't it? Throughout the conversation she had felt


It was clear, wasn't it?


> "And return quickly, we have to open."
>
> "Ok, Miss."
>
>   Once her waiter left, she got ready to open the restaurant and face the
> daily routine.
>
>     It was after eleven when Ukyo finally went to her room. Tired after a
> long day, she just wanted to turn off the light and rest.


Where a long time passes, it would help to put in a line with *** or 
some other scene break indicator.



>   She started to unfold her futon when she noticed the plastic folder
> carefully placed above it.
>
>   She groaned on seeing it.
>
>   The frenetic activity of the restaurant had allowed her to forget the
> conversation with the lawyer for a few hours. Unfortunately the folder
> reminded her that everything had been real and not part of a nightmare.


UKYO: I dreamed that some guy had offered me millions for essentially 
doing nothing. *shudder* Oh no! It's TRUE! AIIIEEEE!


>   Ukyo pushed it aside, and not picked it again until she was in bed and


and didn't pick it up again until


> tucked up by the sheets.


and tucked in under the sheets.


>   She read the entire document carefully, read it again and then passed half


read it again, and then


> of the night trying to work out who had could set this trap.
>
>     The only colors present in the perfect blue sky were the dawn's hazy
> dyes that colored the vicinity of a lazy sun.


Again, put in some sort of marker for the scene change.


>   All promised a perfect day, but Ukyo had no time to contemplate the
> scenery. Running at the full speed her legs allowed, her only thought was
> that she was late.
>
>   Her haste was due to disregarding her alarm (as demonstrate by the


due to having disregarded her alarm

(as demonstrated by


> Having completed the ritual, the teacher started to take attendance and
> only then did the young woman noticed the absence of Akane and Ranma.


notice


>   Her mind tried to imagine that could have happened so that both were


imagine what could


> missing a class. Considering Ranma's background, the possible scenarios
> ranged from having fallen ill, to having been abducted, to having eloped.
> Most of the options that passed through her mind, only managed to increase
> her anxiety. Worst of all was the uncertainty of not knowing. She had no
> choice but to ask Nabiki...
>
>   The mere mention of that name derailed her thoughts, like a train that
> would have been ripped its tracks.


Suggest: like a train ripped from its tracks.

>     As soon as the teacher left the class, Ukyo leapt out of her chair and,
> ignoring the prohibition of running in the halls, went at full speed to the
> classroom of Nabiki , where she almost collided with a classmate who came


suggest: at full speed to Nabiki's classroom
(also remove the extra space before the comma)


> out thereof.

Suggest: a classmate coming out the door. ("thereof" sounds clumsy)


> Mumbling an apology, she dodged him and after taking a moment
> to locate her target headed straight for it.
>
>   When she arrived, Akane's sister was seated sideways, resting on the back,


Resting on the back of what? Did you mean resting on *her* back?


>   Meanwhile, Nabiki had passed from the initial shock, through the briefest
> anger, to a state of calm indifference. This did not prevent that mentally
> she wrote down the humiliation in Ukyo's debt, with the intent to make up
> for it with interest.


A somewhat clumsy sentence.


>   "Of course, I've heard the stories that our father doesn't work and Nabiki
> takes care of all expenses." A contemptuous snort made clear her opinion
> about it. "Actually I don't understand how the people can believe it."


Suggest: how people can


> "Thanks to a great publicity team," Nabiki contributed mockingly.
>
>   Ignoring her sister, Akane lifted the index finger.
>
>   "Second. Though she had it, she wouldn't go giving it away. She has always
> preferred to be the others who spend it."


Um... huh?

Suggest: She's always preferred to spend it (or) she's always preferred 
to be the one who spends it


>   Ukyo diverted for a moment her gaze towards Nabiki, who listened smiling
> while enjoying the show.
>
>   "Suppose you're right," replied unconvinced as she turned towards Akane


she replied unconvinced
(or)
Ukyo replied unconvinced


> again. "Then who has sent me the lawyer? Kuno?"


Suggest: "Then who sent


> "He has money, that's sure," Akane admitted hesitantly. "But I can't think
> of any reason for him to help Ranma, quite the opposite."
> "Then who? Anyone in his family perhaps? Kodachi? The principal?"
> "No way! If' it's Kodachi she would try to poison you, not buy you off. And


Remove extra apostrophe.


>   And as if her words had invoked it, the bell's chimed signaling the


bells chimed


>   "Hey Nabiki," Ukyo greeted unenthusiastically while ignoring Akane


"Hey, Nabiki,"


>   Nabiki extended her right hand, palm upward, and lowering her voice so
> that it only could be heard by her sister and Ukyo, requested payment for
> her services.
>
>   "Forty million."
>
>   The other two girls stared at her, but neither of them seemed overly
> surprised.


UKYO: Ha! Didn't say *what* you wanted forty million of. Okay, forty 
million air molecules it is.


>   Akane, who watched the scene silently, wondered if Ukyo had not realized
> the insult or, more likely, she had let it pass as partial payment for what
> happened on the stairs.
>
>   "Alright."


"All right."


>   She stopped and only when she was sure she had their full attention,
> continued:
>
>   "Ranma considers you his best friend


No he doesn't, actually. That's one of the great fanfiction cliches with 
no real support in the original Takahashi series.


> and we all know that friendship is
> the great killer of love."


We do?


>   The only response she received was the enigmatic smile of Akane's sister
> while she raised her index finger.
>
>   "Second. You'll agree that, whatever your chances might be, these were
> greatly reduced after your behavior last weeks' ceremony. "


behavior at last week's

I'm always puzzled by continuation fics that postulate that bombing the 
wedding made a huge difference in Ranma's relation with Ukyo and Shamps. 
Is it really worse than how they'd treated him all along? See for 
example vol. 36 where they attack Ranma because they think he's giving 
Akane a wedding ring.


> "His mother set me up!" she protested bitterly.
>
>   Nabiki raised an eyebrow, but before she could ask any questions, Akane
> stepped in to re-redirect the conversation.
>
>   "That doesn't matter now. Which is the third reason? "


Remove spurious space after the question mark.


>   Nabiki filed away her memory Ukyo's strange reply and prepared to drop the
> bomb that she had discovered.
>
>   "Third," she said while she lifted her middle finger and allowed her gaze
> to wander among the teenagers. They were completely attentive to her words.
> Ukyo had even slightly leant forward to listen better.


I think the word you want there is "leaned"


>   Her sister waited to have her mouth empty before answering.
>
>   "As far as I know, yes. The language and expressions used are typical of
> legal documents. Even I had to look up a couple of kanji that I didn't
> understand!"


Oh, that's just great.

PHARMACIST: Well, it LOOKS like a valid prescription. It's got medical 
words on it. Even some Latin. So yeah, whatever.


>   As she spoke her chopsticks strolled over the food undecided.
>
>   "Moreover, I have checked the name of the firm. Although it isn't one of
> the biggest, it was opened more than fifty years ago, after the end of the
> Pacific War. If it isn't genuine, it's a very slick forgery."


And you certainly wouldn't want to call that firm and verify that the 
guy actually works there. That would be wrong.


>   Who would have thought? In the end it had been a good idea to talk to
> Nabiki. This conversation had clarified a lot of things and now she knew
> perfectly what to do. Akane's sister probably would have been surprised to
> learn that, her elaborate arguments had not helped to tip the balance.


Remove spurious comma after "that"


>   "You're welcome," she answered without looking up from her food. "A signed
> and dated check made out to me will be best and don't even think about
> bring it to school."


about bringing it to


>   "Good afternoon, Mr. Mizushima" the teenager greeted at the same time she
> raised her gaze.
> "Good afternoon, Miss Kuonji," the lawyer replied. "I'm glad you remember
> my name."
> "Sure," Ukyo replied while she surreptitiously hid his business card under
> the counter.


Heh.


>   Finally, after considering several options, Tadashi decided to put the
> briefcase on his knees, but when he was about to open it, Ukyo stopped him.
>
>   "That is not gone to be necessary."


not going to be


>   The sentence hung in the air like a hook in the sea waiting for its prey.
> In turn, the dark eyes of the lawyer warned her very clearly that this was
> her last chance to accept. This didn't change Ukyo's mind.
>
>   "Pretty sure."
> "Alright," Tadashi agreed, without losing an iota of his professional calm


"All right,"


> for her refusal . "Then I will not waste your time."


Remove extra space after "refusal"


>   A few steps through the garden allowed her to pass the corner of the house
> and have sight of the southern part of the garden. Between the house and
> the koi pond there was a wooden stake stuck in the grass. Ranma, at its
> side, was engaged hitting the padded top of the post. Drops of sweat ran
> down his forehead and clung his shirt to his body.


Suggest: and made his shirt cling to his body.


>   The young man noted his fiancée approaching and interrupted his training
> to greet her.
>
>   "Good afternoon Akane."


"Good afternoon, Akane."


>   "Yes, I do." the young man said sheepishly.
>
>   Akane's eyes opened wide, not so much in surprise as in disbelief.
>
>
>   "Do you believe her? Do you really believe her? How can you be so, so...
> stupid to believe that lie, that idiocy, that crap, that, that ...?"


Good Ranma-Akane dialog in this scene, with a classic misunderstanding 
but a serious undertone.


>   Ranma turned his attention to the post stuck beside him. Still looking at
> it intently, he clenched his fist with all his strength until he felt his
> nails sinking into skin, lifted his arm above his head putting it back as
> far as possible and, concentrating all his anger and frustration in the
> punch, released it with a powerful cry against the defenseless post. The
> sturdy wood split with a sharp crack and the upper part was thrown spinning
> until drove deeply into the opposite end of the garden.


until driven deeply


>   To Be Continued...
>
>     * Kiai: In martial arts, short cry uttered before, during or after
> performing a technique.


If you have to explain it, consider just using something similar in English.


There's a lot to like here, but also some serious problems. It seems 
like the idea was for us to respect Ukyo for giving up a great reward in 
order to stay true to Ranma. That would've made a fine story but it 
didn't quite come across that way. It's more like, will you take a very 
large amount of money in order to forgive an obligation that you were 
never going to be able to collect on anyway? At some point she has to 
figure that either Ranma loves her best, or he doesn't. If he does, she 
doesn't need the obligation, and it's better if she doesn't have it 
because that way he can come to her of his own free will. If he doesn't, 
then the only thing the obligation *might* get her is a loveless and 
unhappy marriage, and even that seems massively unlikely at this point. 
But anyway, the mystery of who is behind the whole thing is intriguing 
and the whole thing promises some good drama ahead.

As for the writing, there were some promising passages, but they were 
few and far between. You need to work on getting your dialog and 
narration to flow more smoothly. Untangle your verbiage and get rid of 
stuff you don't need at all. There's unfortunately no magic formula for 
doing this. You can try reading it over in your head, or even out loud, 
to spot places where it's awkward. Don't expect to get it right on the 
first draft. Me, I'll often make two passes through a story, one to 
figure out what I want to say and another to figure out the best way to 
say it. Some people who write fiction for a living will make four or 
five passes through a story.

Good luck with this and any future works. Keep writing, but keep working 
to make your writing better.