[FFML] [shortfic] Oh no, not him again!

[Chaeotica]

It's been a while since I've reviewed something, so I suppose I'm overdue.
Since you posted this to the general public, I'll assume that you want this
critiqued, so...

Disclaimer : "Here Disclaimer!" *Whistles* "C'mon boy!" *Claps hands now*
> "Come here Disclaimer!"
>

This kind of quirky disclaimer may have been cute the first time.  Maybe.
By now it is annoying and seems to indicate a lack of care both for the
series' creators' work and your own.


> Disclaimer : I don't own any of the series appearing in here, and if you
> think I do then you have obviously been drinking too much tequila and
> sniffing too much whatever substances.
>

This disclaimer at least states that you don't own what you're drawing
from, which puts it miles above the other.  However, since it doesn't look
like you're trying to hide the series you're using, why are you being so
cagey?  And if you are trying to hide it, you can always put the disclaimer
at the bottom.  Either way, you should get rid of everything after the
comma.

[snip]

   Out of it stepped a... tan coated pony with an hourglass mark on it's
> rump and a brown mane.
>

First, the ellipses.  If you had any sort of suspense built up, maybe I
could see them being used here.  If you really feel the need to use them,
though, they need to be moved to just after "stepped".  Having them where
they are breaks up a phrase, which makes the ellipses even more awkward.

Second, I *think* it should probably be "tan-coated" as a compound
descriptor rather than "tan coated".  It doesn't look quite right as a
descriptive phrase.

Third, "it's" should be "its".  To quote Strong Bad:
"If 'it' is possessive, it's only 'I-T-S', but if it's a contraction, it's
'I-T-apostrophe-S'.  Scalawag."

Fourth, I would suggest switching the phrases about the cutie mark and the
mane.  That's more a stylistic thing, though.


>    It looked at him and said in a male, and English sounding, voice "Did
> somepony call for a Doctor now?"
>

This could probably be expanded into a couple sentences.  I don't really
have any suggestions for that.  However, you do need a comma after "voice"
since it leads into dialogue.


>    Ranma just looked the inside of the box, the box, at him and said "Oh
> no, not him again!"
>

This... doesn't make any sense, grammatically speaking.  Are you missing
some words?  For cases like this, reading what you've written out loud can
help you find places you've messed up.  Again, this could be expanded to a
couple of sentences.  And you also need a comma after "said" since it leads
into dialogue.

As Robert said, this isn't a drabble (100 words, FYI).  Clean it up and
expand the places I mentioned, and you could probably make it one.

~Chaeotica
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