[FFML] Help with Ranma Meets the avatrons

[Gary Kleppe]

Quoting Mythril Moth <mythrilmoth at mythrilmoth.net>:

>>> I thinks of restarting Ranma Meets the Avatron. And was looking to  
>>>  see if I could get some help Because I been waving trouble  
>>> writing  it. there anyone Interested in helping me?
>>
>> I don't know who or what the avatron(s) is/are, but if you post  
>> some  of your story to this list, I'll attempt to read it. If I can  
>> make it  through and think of anything useful to say, I'll post  
>> comments.
>
> http://www.fanfiction.net/s/385539/1/Ranma-Meets-The-Avatrons
>
> Bring your hazmat suit and a few nukes...


Nah, my weapon is satire. :)

Anyway... in the interest of time I'll limit this to comments on the  
story and storytelling, and skip most or all of the grammar stuff. But  
MM has a point. If you're going to write, you need to learn the tools  
of the trade. Unless you're lucky enough to have a pre-reader who'll  
fix everything up for you, that's the only way you can make your stuff  
presentable enough that people will want to read it. And it really  
isn't rocket science. I'm sure there are grade-school kids who have  
more or less mastered this.


> In a clearing in a nearby forest just outside Tokyo.


Try to work time-and-place information into the context of your  
narration rather than just having it as a block caption like this. As  
a writer you want to create the illusion that your story is actually  
happening. Nothing spoils this quite like talking directly to the  
reader.


> "Well, you got to admit the courts would be a little suspicious why a
> extra terrestrial would want to have a custody of a minor," the PI
> tolled.


Are we to assume that space aliens are common enough in this  
continuity that nobody is surprised to meet one?


> The local mailman walked up to the Tendo Dojo, dropping today's mail
> into the mailbox before leaving quickly. He did not want to be near when
> Genma Saotome read his mail, things had bad tendency to get violent
> whenever that person got mail and he didn't want to be nearby when that
> happened.


Huh? Since when? The biggest danger in being around Genma is  
accidentally getting caught in the middle of a practice fight.



> A little while later Kasumi stepped outside to retrieve the day's mail.
> "Oh my," she let out as she noticed that Genma had got a letter. As
> Kasumi walked back into the house, she was wondering what trouble Genma
> had got himself or Ranma into this time.


Isn't this assumption rather premature? Genma does get into trouble  
more than most but as far as she knows at this point this particular  
letter might be completely innocuous.

KASUMI: "Publisher's Clearing House?" Is that a new martial arts school?


> "I hope it not another fiancée." Kasumi said to herself as she walked
> inside, but already knowing that what it most likely to be what the
> letter was about.


Unless this is set soon after volume 9 (when Ukyo first showed up)  
there's absolutely no reason for Kasumi to think this. The idea that  
Genma arranged a million billion fiancees for Ranma is a rather silly  
fanfic cliche. In canon the only ones he arranged were Akane and Ukyo,  
and the latter was clearly Mr. Kuonji's idea. In the TV adaptation  
there were a not-so-whopping two more in one episode and none after  
that.


Try not to overuse stock lines. Kasumi should be able to think of  
something else to say besides "oh my."


> "Well, if you weren't so much of a pervert and a jerk this wouldn't have
> happened!" Akane angrily told Ranma.


Why this reaction? Akane does get mad at Ranma, but only when it looks  
like he might've done something to deserve it.


> "That's it, the engagement's off. There's no way I'm going to marry a
> two-timing sex changing freak like you." Akane yelled, Her mallet
> appeared in her hand as her aura flared into existence.


No, sorry, this reaction just isn't believable without a lot more  
provocation. I'm guessing you want to drive Ranma away from Akane so  
he can hook up with what's-her-name the space alien girl. But as  
written it's completely forced and not at all believable.


> 'Just one more crack and I put that freak in his place,' thought Akane.
> She was the best martial artist in Nerima and if Ranma hurled even one
> more insult she would teach him again why she was the best. Then she
> would teach him just what a real martial artist could do, not like the
> tricks Ranma usually used.


And this makes even less sense. Akane knows full well how good Ranma  
is. She doesn't like it but I don't see her being deluded about it.


> mind getting married to the girl was very strange indeed.' Nabiki
> thought as she watched Ranma twitch, mumbling about uncute Kagone's was
> even stranger. What the hell was a Kagone anyhow?


Um, huh? Yeah, what *is* a Kagone? Where the heck did this come from?

RANMA: I thought we were doing an Inu-Yasha crossover. So I got one  
letter wrong. Big deal.


OK, I think I'll stop here, at least for now, with some general tips.  
First and foremost, you need to be familiar with the characters you're  
writing. READ THE ORIGINAL SERIES. Fortunately in this case you can  
read the whole thing, translated into English, for free here:


http://www.anymanga.com/ranma/


Read it, and get to know the characters you're using. While none of  
them are saints, all of them do have some good points. And even "bad"  
characters are bad in *specific* ways; it doesn't mean that any bad  
thing you can conceive of them doing is automatically believable.

Try to treat every character fairly. That doesn't mean that they won't  
do anything wrong. It does mean that they don't do completely  
unreasonable things for no reason other than to push the story where  
you want it to go. It also means that you try to show their good  
aspects as well as bad, *especially* for ones who you don't like or  
who are serving as antagonists in your story.

On a related note, one mistake a lot of beginning writers make is to  
push too hard to get the story to go where they want it to. This can  
make it predictable and hence boring. If fiancee X is a  
one-dimensional shrew and fiancee A is smart, warm, caring, rich, and  
everything else that's nice, which one do you think is our hero going  
to choose? Well, duh. If you want Ranma to end up with space lady, and  
especially if you want the readers to cheer this ending, make sure you  
come up with some strong reasons for this *not* to happen. Go out of  
your way to make the outcome you want *harder* to achieve, so that it  
feels like your characters have *earned* whatever happiness they  
eventually get out of it.

I hope this helps, and please let me know if it did. Don't stop  
writing, but don't stop working to make your writing better.