[FFML] [COEG] PDF link

[Dot Warner]

Just a couple of things that jumped out at me while skimming through the text:

1) I think you could have started the story at Shinji entering NERV HQ and agreeing to pilot, as that's where the plot starts to really diverge.  The scene setting where Shinji arrives on the train, meets Misato, etc etc etc, is in my opinion too long and too similar to "canon", as it were, to serve as a hook for the reader.  Also, little call-backs are fine, but try to avoid too many parallels to how things played out "originally".  The major events of the angels arriving in their order might be ordained by the Dead Sea Scrolls, but Touji's sister's still injured? I call shenanigans.
2) If you are going to include pictures, please go through the trouble of editing them to fit your "universe".  Misato still wearing her old cross, while a minor detail, jumps out at me since you bothered to describe it as something different.  (Of course, if you took my first suggestion, that particular tidbit would not appear in the narrative until later, so having the necklace look different in the picture would serve as a clue for sharp-eyed readers to realize that things are definitely not the same.) You may also want to get yourself an artist so that you have a more unified visual style.

-"Dot"
http://dotchan.com/

I'm my own mind-altering substance. 8)