[FFML] [Fanfic][Draft1][Marvel][Chapter 1] Ultimate Boom Boom

[Gary Kleppe]

Quoting Ragman Jack <studiopc at sbcglobal.net>:

I'm not up on all the recent movies. At one time I read a lot of the  
comics, but that was 20-30 years ago. Just mentioning that so if I  
sound like I don't know what I'm talking about you'll know why. :)

First a few line-by-line typo spottings. If you'd turn off HTML and  
turn on line wrapping, it'd be easier to do these.


> "Then I really need to move on." Tabitha tapped the plastic rectangle.
> "Whats this?"


What's


> gonna happen. We're gonna start with a tour. I'd like to promise Willy
> Wonka delights, but upper management keeps refusing my proposals for
> chocolate rivers and I can't sing." A small chuckle went through the
> room. He gestured. "Come on, let's go." As they filed out, Tony's eyes
> dropped after  Smith walked past

Need a period at the end of this.


> "Ms. Smith," he began, folding his hands on his desk. "I am a very
> busy man. As manager of the mailroom, there are many matters that
> require my attention and I have to put those aside to monitor your
> work." Stringy eyebrows lowered. "Therefore, your singular most
> important duty is to ensure that my review of your performance is
> favorable." he adjusted a pencil that apparently was at a bad angle in


He (capitalize since it begins a sentence)

This guy seems a bit cliched, but if you can get laughs and/or tension  
out of him that makes it all worthwhile.



> A week later, Tabitha was awakened by the sound of an incoming text
> message on her phone. The noise wash't that loud, but she was awake


wasn't (typo)

> instantly anyway. Gone were the days when she could sleep through
> anything short of an explosion, but she had resigned herself to that
> months ago. She shook her head, pushing the last vestiges of the dream
> away. She'd been awoken before the dream had turned into a nightmare,
> and while familiarity had worn the terror down from it's jagged edge,


its (Only use the apostrophe if you mean "it is" or "it was".  
Possessive nouns get an apostrophe, pronouns don't.)


> "Pfft," Tabitha sneered. "Shirtless ofd guys. Although Ozzy and the


old (typo)



> "Doesn't mean he's doesn't want one. Ashley in Accounting says that


he doesn't


OK, overall comments. Tabby trying to settle into a normal everyday  
life promises much to be interested in with the prospect of mutant  
hunters and such on the horizon. The impending romance between Tabby  
and Tony, not so much. Any story should be about conflict. For this to  
be a good strong conflict, in my opinion, there needs to be more  
force, so to speak, on both sides. You need to show that each of them  
has something that the other one needs. And there need to be  
obstacles, preferably internal ones.

A stylistic note: it seems that you tend to want to describe what any  
character looks like before showing that character involved in a  
scene. Consider other approaches. You can start a scene right off and  
fill in the description little by little as it goes so that the reader  
already has a reason to care about the character. Or you can not  
describe at all and just rely on the readers' imaginations and/or  
their knowledge of the source material (does anybody by now *not* know  
what Tony Stark looks like?)

In general, I'd like to see more of an overall focus for what the  
story is about. Show us what your protagonist wants, what obstacles  
are in her way, and what she's capable of doing to overcome those  
obstacles. Consider cutting material that doesn't fit, no matter how  
indirectly, with what your story is really about.

All of this is just my opinion. Please take what you find useful and  
disregard the rest. Best of luck with this and any future stories.