[FFML] [Ranma][Revised] Hearts and Minds, Part 3 of 10

[Michael Clark]

As usual, comments separated by the aspect of the story they pertain to.

(Plot and Structure)

So, what exactly happens in this first scene with Kodachi?  She has
guests, but who?


Lan does a good job of not helping Huang without being too overtly
unhelpful.


Kasumi's technique has really quickly turned all our cursed martial
artists into people with much greater capabilities.  I like that you
only showed Mousse's experience with this and left the others off-screen
to avoid being repetitive, but I also feel like it may have come as a
surprise what Kasumi could do, which in turn makes these new
capabilities seem a bit convenient.


I feel like your scenes tend to start rather suddenly.  Before I even
know there's a bus, Ranma's getting on it.  The journey is glossed over,
and we're off the bus with the beginning of the next scene.  The journey
seems like a good opportunity for someone to think about things, though
you do a good deal of this at camp.  I suppose what's going by the bus
windows isn't that important.


Keema swoops in and gives the group some intelligence about the Amazon
village.  Why is she involved, and why is she disposed to help the
Amazons in the first place?


It's good to see things moving along with the Amazon front.  It feels
like we've been journeying with Ranma and co. for a while.

Your use of short scenes rapidly moving from one person to another again
suits your approach to storytelling.  Everyone has a time and place
where their perspective is most useful, and then you move on.  This
allows you to characterize and develop characters in bits and pieces,
emphasizing the ensemble nature of your story.  I like that you've made
this work without the resulting scenes feeling rushed.


(Characterization and Development)

Ranma's quick thinking with his video game cover conversation is quite
clever.

There's a lot of good depth for characters here: Akane's "spirit of
Jusenkyo" thought and Shampoo's reflection on nighttime fighting
tournaments.  It really adds to the atmosphere.

> [...] would say to each other if they did. She still resented Mother
> for trying to keep her from taking the Amazon initiation ritual.[...]

Is this a reference to a prelude, or something else?  If not, it has me
thinking "what initiation ritual?".


Shampoo's staring at the moon gives insight into her current feelings,
but I remain somewhat unclear as to what end this exploration drives
toward.

> "Ranma, what you mean no killing?"

But that's not what he said; he just found it unexpected (at least, up
to the point where Shampoo says this).  Further, it seems entirely
reasonable for Ranma to call Kodachi out over this.  They're taking
prisoners.  They want intelligence.  Being reckless jeopardizes all of
them, even if it's a death that Shampoo wouldn't consider regrettable.

While Shampoo's strong reaction is understandable, I feel like Ranma
gets the short end of this argument.  Perhaps that's intentional; he's
not arguing from a well-thought-out position but just from his gut, so
it's not unreasonable that he fail to articulate his feelings in the
most efficient and most logical way.


I definitely like Shampoo's dramatic description of seeing her fellow
Amazons held by the soldiers.  I think you capture her feelings on this
matter quite well.


Ranma seems a touch more restrained in this chapter; he doesn't pick a
fight with Kodachi, instead focusing on the matter at hand.

The story is still in a somewhat early stage, so in some ways, we're
still seeing characters established--especially with such a large cast
actively involved.  I think Shampoo got quite a lot of the
characterization in this chapter, with Ranma in second place.
Characters like Gosunkugi and Nabiki add flavor but otherwise play
mainly functional roles.

(Style and Command)

> Ranma turned his eyes away, ignoring her. Akane seethed with rage. Her
> husband was becoming more and more obsessed with another woman. She
> was jealous; not only because Kodachi was getting so much attention
> from Ranma, but because she was better at fighting. Because despite
> all of the training Akane had put herself through, she had been so
> completely surpassed by Kodachi.

You do this from time to time, describing multiple characters' reactions
in very close proximity.  It does feel a little dizzying.

(Misc)

> "Yeah. You gotta practice to get good at it. I played a lot back when
> I was pregnant." Oops, Ranma thought. Shouldn't have mentioned that.
> He prayed to any powers that might be that Kodachi hadn't been
> listening. "Anyway, it's a great game. The only thing I don't like is
> that you can't change the teams. Hikaru always insists on being the
> Killer Claw, which means I'm stuck with Lady Onyx."

I'm afraid I don't understand this pregnancy gag at all.

> And so Shan Pu, being first on watch, sat on the grass inside the
> circle of tents, staring into the vast darkness.

Is there really much grass in this area?  I know the region tends toward
desolate.

> He sighed again. Maybe Kodachi didn't have a secret. After all, with
> something like five trillion people in the world, what right did he
> have to expect to be number one his whole life? Maybe she was just
> better.

Trillion?  Heh, Ranma doesn't really have a good sense of orders of
magnitude, does he.


(Theme)

I admit, this story hasn't really clicked into place for me yet, in part
because I still have no idea what many of these characters aim to do in
the long run.  The Mongol occupation is still just an obstacle to be
overcome, for instance.  You have, effectively, downplayed the nature of
the conflict in favor of the conflict itself, and for that reason, I
still can't quite put my finger on the thematic intent of the piece.
But, perhaps this is something that will become clearer later,
particularly as we learn more about the intentions of the enemy.
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