[FFML] [Ranma][Revised] Hearts and Minds, Part 2 of 10

[Michael Clark]

Again, comments are separated by the aspect of the story they concern.


(Plot and Structure)

A couple of soldiers find a girl (presumably Ti Pi) unconscious at the
Amazon village, and one of them goes to rape her while she's still out.
We cut to the plane with Tofu, Ranma, etc. and then cut back to Ti Pi
waking up.  The overall structure here is very focused, I feel.  Things
don't take long to develop.  We go somewhere, go somewhere else, and
then come back as interesting things happen.

Major Huang has to know that the Elders are only cooperating as long as
they feel it necessary to save their own lives, while they bide time to
find a way out of this situation.  We don't really get to see the
calculus behind his decision, though the reasons are easily guessed:
having the Elders alive helps legitimize the Mongols' rule over the
Amazons.  Still, this is a common predicament, and I feel somewhat
unhappy with it because it is so common, though I lack any clearly
superior alternative.

> "I talk about this with Elders. Spring of Drowned Man no will cure
> curse, they all say. You get two curses, they combine. Then you maybe
> splash by water and turn into her... herm...."

This and the subsequent discussion...I gotta be honest, it strains
disbelief.  We're supposed to believe that, for all this time, this
particular point just never came up?  It makes so much of what Ranma
tried to do very, very futile.  I agree with you there's a gap of logic
(as you describe in your notes) that calls into question why someone
wouldn't just instantly cure themselves.  I don't know if this is the
answer.


Overall, things have moved forward on the Amazon village front.  For
Ranma and company, we have a bit more setup.  The story, to me, feels
like it's taking its due time. It's not slow, and the overall sizes of
the scenes and the quick shooting between them gives some sense of pace
without feeling frantic.

The subject matter of the piece (particularly the Amazon village
segments) is rather dark, not at all like classic Ranma canon, though
there are scenes interspersed that feel more like the manga (Kasumi's
innuendo-laden guidance to a new technique, or Ukyo's payback on
Mikado).  I think you show a good level of flexibility while pursuing
something quite different from the original work.


(Characterization and Development)

I quite like the time you spend developing Corporal Sauchuk in the first
scene.  It's nice to have a window into this character, even if
ultimately he ends up merely serivng to give us a point of view in this
scene.  His disapproval of Rou strikes me as all too canny; there's an
intense pressure to fit into military units, and he goes for the easiest
way out of refusing Rou's suggestion.  Alas, that doesn't mean he lifts
a finger to stop it, which is again all too canny.

Tofu has a brief moment of yearning for Kasumi and bemoaning that he's
been seen as a "nice guy" (3 years dating and he gets word he's been
dumped from the girl's *mother*?  That's gotta sting), but this gets
pushed aside in favor of seeing what's going on with Ranma.

Ti Pi has a nice moment of pain over seeing her would-be suitor Zhen
fallen.  It makes any childish dislike of him come into perspective.

Lan is the ultimate pragmatist.  Still, it was risky to try to send a
hidden message to the people when one of their own, in Biaozi, is the
figurehead of the Mongol occupation.  It almost seems like she forgot
Biaozi was there, and that could've backfired on her greatly, but it
didn't.  Biaozi must think she can turn this against Lan at some point.

Kasumi's refusal to wear a battle suit seems reasonable, as does her
choice to remain (for lack of a better word) pacifistic.

> Would Ranma really go to Jusenkyo during this trip? Tsubasa had no
> clue. But *he* would go there. He knew a good thing when he saw it.
> And then all of Ranma's women would be attracted to him.

Strikes me as odd that this would be on Tsubasa's priority list, over
just...becoming a woman.

...wait, why is he here again?


Moving on.  Mousse is...pathetic, isn't he?  In a very sympathetic way,
but he's pathetic.  And in a very identifiable way for people who have
sought companionship and not yet had the privilege of finding it.  I
thought his jumping to conclusions about what Kasumi meant was very
natural.


I think a strength of this piece is the level of attention given to more
secondary characters.  You focus on canon characters a bit more on
average than the new ones (like Ti Pi or Lan) but that doesn't seem
inappropriate to appeal to the audience.

That said, I feel like Ranma was a little underdeveloped in this
chapter, especially since his second fight with Kodachi was mostly
glossed over.  It's hard to pick up nuances from just a few sentences.
It's nice to see him admit some weakness and appreciation for Akane
pulling him out of things when he gets in over his head, but if he's
already acknowledged that flaw in himself, then I do wonder what more he
has to aspire to.

(Style and Command)

> The precession advanced, and the line of gunmen parted to let Huang
> and the Elders through. The circle of soldiers that had been
> surrounding the Elders merged smoothly with the others to form a
> larger loop, like dancers skillfully executing a well-choreographed
> pageant.  Lan walked up to the fence. A series of gunshots exploded
> into the air.  Conversation inside the fence died, and all eyes turned
> toward Huang.

Precession describes a property of celestial bodies' orbits; processions
are groups of people.

> Of course, Ranma didn't understand. It was clear to Tsubasa what
> Kasumi was saying. Ranma, deep down, wanted to be a woman. How could
> he not? But his male insecurity wouldn't let him admit to himself the
> superiority of the female sex, so he struggled against it. It was
> obvious.

Nicely done. Tsubasa's thoughts as summarized by the narrator are spoken
with the same tone and level of "isn't it obvious?" that Tsubasa
would've had himself.

(Misc)

> Leaning back in the chair, he spread the margarine on the bun and
> watched the attendant push the food cart ahead. The cabin was crowded,
> and loud conversation filled the air. Kuno Tatewaki sat next to Tofu,
> with Shan Pu in the aisle seat. The two conversed in Chinese; Kuno
> spoke hesitantly, but they seemed to be able to understand each other.

I'm having some trouble visualizing the geometry here.  Is Tofu at the
window, with Kuno between him and Shampoo?
	
> *An outsider cannot make an Amazon his wife without first defeating
> her in combat.* Perhaps there was more wisdom in that law than Ti Pi
> had thought.

Nicely done.

> Kasumi dialed as she'd been told, holding the phone to her ear and
> listening. Such a wonderful thing, to be able to communicate with
> family and loved ones no matter where you went. She hoped someday
> everyone would have one of these phones.

Imagine a time where people were *happy* with mobile phones the size of
shoeboxes...

> A smooth voice issued forth from the computer speaker. "Windows
> zero-three conflict error. This application will shut down due to an
> error. Please reboot your system."

This seems almost too sophisticated.  What is this thing running,
Windows 95?

> "Yippee!" Azusa shouted. "Wedding cake!"

The icing on the gag.


(Theme)

I can only guess where you're going. The idea of pragmatism in the face
of harsh odds seems to be an ongoing attitude among the Amazons.  It
gives them an air of longevity, that they cannot be defeated in the long
run.