[FFML] [Fanfic][BGC][Draft] Frozen Buttefly Arc 3 Chapter 2

[O David Morgan]

skychan wrote:
> Hello, I've finally managed to get through another chapter and as always I
> hope that those here reading it will have constructive things to say to
> help me make it even better before eventual publishing.  I archive
> everything over on fanfiction.net under skywiseskychan.

Hm, I don't remember how much proofreading you actually want, and
that's what I'm best at... but I've got some free time tonight and I 
like this story, so hopefully you can find some of this useful.

As always, feel free to disregard all of this; if somehow you want 
more proofreading, let me know and I'll try to be more thorough next time.
-Strike & Co.


> I discretely jumped the stile and got on the

discreetly (spelling--"discrete" is the opposite of "continuous"; 
"discreet" is "steathily" or "trying to be unnoticed")

>  I could only assume the last of the identity I had created.

the last of the identities

> Stopping at the first ATM I could find I liquidated Kari Ceallaigh's
> account, or rather as much of it as I could.  I got enough yen to last a
> little while but there was no way I could risk trying to get the rest
> hopping from machine to machine.  Even this withdrawal would show Nene
> which way I went, and the fewer bread crumbs I left the better.

Now I'm wondering how long the account will stay open, and if it might 
be worth making a trip of an hour or so to make a withdrawal somewhere 
else, in a couple weeks or a month.
Well, if she needs it later she can think of it then. She's busy right 
now :)

> Blinking back the tears thinking how disappointed she would be caused I
> swallowed and moved on.

the word "caused" is not making sense to me. Possibly missed in an 
earlier edit?
some alternatives:
"Blinking back the tears and thinking how disappointed she would be, I
swallowed and moved on."
"Blinking back the tears and thinking how disappointed she would become, I
swallowed and moved on."
"Blinking back the tears and thinking how much disappointment I had 
caused her, I swallowed and moved on."


> The subway was an ally at this hour.  I travel all

travelled (verb tense)


> Unfortunately with dawn throngs of humanity began to join me.

A little awkward; possibly something like "With dawn, however, throngs 
of humanity began to join me."  or "Unfortunately, with the rising of 
the sun, throngs of humanity began to join me."

(You're just missing commas around "with dawn" in the original, but 
"Unfortunately, with dawn, throngs of humanity began to join me." 
reads too choppy to me.)

> The once safe tubes filling with the cloying scent of humanity, want need desire.

"filling" -> "filled" (verb tense)
and I recommend something like "the cloying scent of humanity: want, 
need, desire." or "the cloying scents of humanity, want, need, 
desire." depending on whether she is treating them as separate scents, 
or if the ingredient mix together to form "the scent of humanity" as a 
single thing.

> unspoken sea of want's needs' and desire I gathered myself, taking breaths

either "wants, needs, and desires" or "want, need, and 
desire"....though since you just used that phrase earlier in the 
paragraph, let me suggest a tweaked version overall:

With dawn, throngs of humanity began to join me.  The once safe tubes 
filled with the cloying scent of humanity.  Feeling starved for social 
interaction, I was still repulsed by the faceless mass. Standing on 
the street corner, my body still shaking in response to the unspoken 
sea of wants, needs, and desires, I gathered myself. My lips turned 
down in a frown as I focused on breathing.


> Would I go berserk, waste away, or just philosophize myself to
> deathin the meantime?

I prefer the latter :)
And appreciate her self-awareness on how talky she's being ^_^


> I would have to risk picking up the printed card in person, but
> without a place to mail it the best option I had for retrieval.

it was the best option (insert "was")

> ~1~

Scene break? Not sure it's needed here for that, it seems to segue 
nicely enough and you don't mention how much time passes between--so 
the duration must not be important.

> This far out it had taken three trains each increasingly barren and
> worn to reach.

Awkward: suggest "It had taken three trains, each increasingly barren 
and worn, to get here."

> While old, and highly specialized at least this boomer was good at its job,
> and stable unlike me.

Comma edits:
While old and highly specialized, at least this boomer was good at 
it's job. And stable, unlike me.

(The period I added can be replaced with emdash if you prefer. A comma 
there may also be correct but again seems to choppy to me.)


>That kind of serenity was beyond my reach.  I had a sudden epiphany;
> it might even be why my model didn't last in the real world.  We were made
> too human to be content with what life gives us.

Welcome to humanity?
Or at least what passes for humanity in MegaTokyo...

> ~1~
 >
 > Unfortunately I let myself get too absorbed thinking in circles and 
 > let my subconscious guide my steps.

(Again, I think you address the scene change well enough in the 
narrative that a marker is unnecessary here. However, that *does* seem 
a long trek to take while just wandering around. )

> Suddenly I couldn't stay here anymore.  I got up and fled the restaurant,
> leaving my drink behind.  That was too close a call.  Just seeing her,
> hearing her voice was almost enough to give myself up.  I needed to get as
> far from her as I could.  Thankfully Megatokyo has a population around 13
> million.  If I couldn't get lost here, I don't think I could manage it
> anywhere.

Shoot, I can't tell if getting lost *in* the city is a good idea for 
her... I don't remember why she's staying here, though, and I've 
always been in favor of moving away--but that's just me. Still, being 
in a city should help with evading the system and procuring the more 
exotic nutrients she'll need, so I'll pretend that's her reasoning.

> After that close call I took another ride on the MegaTokyo loop line to
> give myself time to think.  Unfortunately it wasn't working.  Although
> isolated and alone in my mind, my body was immersed amid the crowded train
> car, and the pheromones of so many were growing stronger with each passing
> moment.

Really? She hasn't figured out yet that daytime trains are BAD for her?

> I was a bit surprised as one fact about the passengers reached me.  Everyone
> getting off the train was young, the oldest in their early twenties.  Slipping
> unobtrusively into line behind the last of them I followed the flow from
> the station before realizing why; college.

Slightly awkward (seems like she doesn't realize why she's following 
the flow, rather than doesn't realize why the passengers are young).

Possibly "I followed the flow from the station until I realized why: 
college."

(Pretty sure that should be a colon and not a semicolon, but I'm 
working off memory and may be incorrect.)

  This stop served the main
> campus of Tokyo University, and as I contemplated the surroundings realized
> I had somehow found a hiding spot without looking.

"surroundings, I realized I had" (insert ", I")

> Certainly until this very moment I hadn't considered it at
> all.  Nene, Sylia, and the other Knight Sabers knowing the truth about me would
> probably consider it even less.

She's not very paranoid, is she? ;) Or perhaps I overestimate Sylia's 
analytic ability.
Not that college would be something *I*'d think of in her place, but 
it does make pretty good sense now that she's found it.

I'm not sure about the rooming situation though. Dorms and college 
apartments can get mighty crowded...

> Luckily a pretty face is still a pretty face and tracking down the nearest
> computer lab wasn't too difficult.  With a little smile I inveigled my way
> inside; the poor student worker could hardly find his tongue around me.  With
> a little more effort to get a temporary log in ID because I had 'lost' mine
> and I was set up in the back. Settling in to a game of solitaire with a
> fraction of my mind the rest of me dipped a figurative toe into the local
> area network.

Hah. Social hacker *and* computer hacker. She's got a pretty good 
future at this if she wants it ;)


> they wouldn't want to talk to any of my previous professor's to check on my

no apostrophe there, please.

> Shifting to housing I had more luck.  Taking advantage of my theoretical
> change in seniority; I put in, then granted myself, just adding a checkmark
> to an electronic box, a request for a change from double to a single living.

Awkward punctuation / long sentence.
Possibly "Taking advantage of my theoretical change in seniority, I 
put in a request for a change from double to single living. Then I 
added the checkmark to the electronic box granting the request."

> I figuratively sat back and let the computer cruch to pick my new room by
> itself, the only adjustment I made to its search criteria was to pick a
> currently unoccupied room.
>
> A minute later I had it.

1) Long search ;p
2) So it would have "normally" searched for a occupied single to put 
her in instead?

> ~1~
>
> I spent almost all my time hiding in my room, afraid to go out in
> case I was somehow spotted and caught as an imposter.

Now, everyone just thinks you're a Chemistry major (or whatever the 
all-homework-no-social-life major is at this school).

> Having lived through college before slipping comfortably into
> the social life of the dorm was a snap.

comma after "before", please; I'm reading that as "having lived 
through college was a snap"


> Not accepting my argument she actually tugged me to my feet, not impressive
> given she overtopped me by at least 15 centimeters.  "No way, I'm not going
> to let you use that as an excuse now.  I know your type.  Once classes
> start you’ll be claiming you can’t go out because they’re taking all your
> time. You know what you need, you need something to pick you up before
> classes wear you down.  Your coming with us, and that’s final."

I liked this conversation, especially as (so far this chapter) "Alice" 
has just been talking to herself.

Also, glad to see that Nanami's conclusion is correct, even if her 
assumptions are flawed ;)

 > "That's just fine, you'll fit in alright just how your dressed, now
 > come on let's get the others."  So much for getting out if it
 > passively that way.
 >
> I glanced down wondering where in Tokyo we were headed that jeans and a
> t-shirt were perfectly acceptable alongside the more fashionable mini-skirt
> she had on.  Oh well, it's not like it was my problem, and besides, I'm a
> starving college student now.  It’s my perogative to get away with a lot
> more than a salary woman could.
>
> Of course as I followed them off the train I felt my feet start to slow as
> perfect memory helped me recognize the stop, only one possible destination
> came to mind, Hot Legs.

AHAHAHAHA......   nice :)

And here I was thinking that "you'll fit in alright" was Nanami 
possibly being jealous of a 33-S... but then, I'm fashion-challenged 
and appreciated you explaining that bit.

> ~1~

(I don't think this scene break is needed either. So far there's only 
been one I agreed with, heh.)

> Reeling mentally from the concentrated humanity I still managed a sigh of
> relief when I didn't recognize the thrum of the music, and through short
> breaks in the crowd saw no sign of Priss or her band.  She wasn’t playing
> tonight, it was safe.  My relief was a bit premature.

Might want to leave off that last sentence--I'm already suspicious of 
her conclusion, expecting Priss to be on later in the night.
But then, I don't really have a sense of the band's schedule, so maybe....

> Unlike Linna and Nene, Nanami and Sakura weren't willing to just let me
> hide in a corner and I soon found myself in the middle of the dance floor,
> head reeling and body moving automaticly.  It was all I could do to stick
> near my new 'friends' rather than let one of the men nearby sweep me away.  At
> least now I could really dance...

So your blood levels aren't *that* low yet? That's good.

> Only as the salt taste on her skin met my tongue did my eyes fly wide with
> recognition of what I was doing.  The haze of instinctive behavior that had
> descended over me shattered.  Swallowing nervously I stepped back, fingers
> brushing along her arms as I tilted my head back to see her wide brown eyes
> blinking hesitantly.

Took you long enough, Alice :/
(though I don't remember how vampiric this 33-S is)

> ~1~
>
> The trip home was unnerving.

(and so I don't think a scene break indicator is needed here, either)

> The logical part of my mind argued that I hardly knew her, that she
> was too young, the differences between us too big, my secrets too
> large, but it was a final piece; A quiet little voice that called
> out warning of betrayal, that helped me stay in my spot, hands to
> myself.

This one's a little awkward also. I'm reading that "the logical part 
of her mind" is also "a quiet little voice", but your use of "but it 
was a final piece" (and inability to emphasize 'that' in "that helped 
my stay") implies that they are different.

Possibly "...but it was a final piece.  There was also a quiet little 
voice that called out warning of betrayal which helped me stay in my 
spot, hands to myself."

> grown self-consciousness had her let go under the threat of being spotted

should that be "growing self-consciousness"?


> *Baseline not associated with Replicant's portfolio 87%
> probable. * Of course, that's what was bugging me, Priss wasn't on stage
> anymore, and that meant she could be anywhere, even…

Oo. I didn't catch that from my initial read of the club scene. Thanks 
for explaining that.

> No, what I recognized was that she was another 33-S!  Where I was of the
> short 'cute' somatotype she was a tall leggy sexy version.  My mouth
> instantly went dry.  What was she doing here, why was Priss with her,
> talking, even smiling?  She couldn't know could she?

Wondered when those two would show up :)


> "Would you like to go somewhere we can talk more openly?"  I felt a little
> bad, lying with my body like that.  I didn't really trust her so soon but
> by all indications the appearance of doing so had immediately earned her
> faith.  Her posture matching mine, s*ubject trustworthy 99% likely.*  Only
> my lifetime *before* let me realize that the remaining 1% was just as
> important to keep in mind.

If you've learned to lie, and you're talking to someone with 
(presumably) the exact same abilities as yourself, there's a 
reasonable chance they're lying in the exact same way. Any info your 
hardware gives you from reading the situation is likely to be 
something the other party wants you to believe.

Not that I expect Sylvie is that good at lying yet, but I really 
*don't* know her backstory at this point. I'm interested to see how 
this goes.

> me felt is should be an intimate pose but to me it felt entirely, sisterly.

if you mean something like "it only felt sisterly" then no comma 
please. Only have a comma if that is a series of two terms.


> I realized she was doing the exact same thing I was, only, for her it
> wasn't a cover.  It was the only guide she had on how to behave and it
> never occurred to her to do otherwise.

Ouch. Complete opposite of what I'd hoped for, but Sylvie may still learn.
Not that I expect Kari/Alice to take much advantage with this.


> "Alright Kari, I'll, slow down and be more careful.  You've been here
> longer, and I guess it's better to be safe and sure.  Does it really bring
> that much attention attacking a few humans?"  Slyvie asked.  The lack of
> compassion, of recognition that there might be the slightest moral problem
> with her activities left me feeling if anything more isolated than before.
>
> Here they were, my sisters, perhaps some of the only other people in the
> world I could relate to and they were like… this.  I wanted to cry.  Killers,
> my sisters were killers and I didn't have even the slightest idea how to
> explain what they were doing was wrong!

Well, you've got some time, and if you're careful yourself they won't 
catch on to how you lie.
Unfortunately, if you have moral problems with their blood source, you 
may not have /that/ much time after all.........


Hm, so a couple end notes:
1) You might want to check that you're spelling Sylvie's name 
correctly, rather than "Slyvie".
2) I'm somewhat surprised that Kari/Alice is *that* bad at forecasting 
how her body will react to large groups of people--especially when 
she's been in similar circumstances several times before. (I mostly 
refer to the train, only slightly to the bar--that one wasn't her idea 
at all.)

3) I really suck at the story-flow side of things, so sorry I can't 
offer much criticism/suggestions there. On the grammar side, you 
misuse commas a lot. More accurately, you frequently underuse commas 
and occasionally have one that doesn't belong. At this point in the 
story it may be a style thing, but it is something you can work on.

-Strike & Co.
-- 
Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.