[FFML] [Ranma] Hearts and Minds, Part 10 of 10 [2/2]

[Michael Clark]

Comments on both parts 1 and 2 below.

(Plot and Structure)

> Extending her hands toward Mu Si, Biaozi focused her energy to
> generated a certain special form of ki. "Sweltering dragon's fire!"
> she announced. A sphere of air in front of her began to blaze with
> power as it sailed toward Mu, briefly engulfing him before
> dissipating.

It melts and warps metal but (a) doesn't leave any of it hot and (b)
doesn't burn Mousse?  Well, that's handy.

> Biaozi tried to talk but could barely even breathe. Her chest felt as
> though it were being squeezed by an invisible hand. *It can't end like
> this,* she thought. *It can't--*

So Biaozi keels over because Mousse conveniently has an urn of hot
water?  Shampoo's effort to use her own spirit to stop Biaozi doesn't
have any ultimate effect?


The aftermath of the battle with Herb, Ryoga, Kasumi, etc. is given
solely through the word of one of the Americans.  An interesting choice.
It gets across the "enemy's" viewpoint on what happened to Kasumi
clearly, but I feel like it's emotionally disconnected from the shock of
what's happened.  There is no time for grief.  There is just regret.

(Characterization and Development)

Kodachi holds off from attacking Ranma's children, reasoning that
seeking vengeance isn't part of who she is and wants to be--it signifies
weakness and a desire to avoid future conflict.  This strikes me as a
new dimension to her character, one not present canonically.  Is there
anything you would point to as evidence that supports this line of
reasoning as being consistent with her character?

> "I'm okay. I wanted to go back on duty, but Elder Lan asked me to take
> a few more days off. Let's go have a drink sometime and we can catch
> up on everything."

Is that what Amazons do when they're off duty, so to speak?  They go
have a drink?  This seems a little culturally off to me.


So Ranma goes to get cursed again, in part because Ryoga convinces him
that to forsake that advantage would be foolhardy.  

(Style and Command)

> Days later, when Akane and the others would report back to the Amazons
> by telephone, there would be some confusion over what occured next.
> [...]

Occurred.

> "You need to exercise more." Werczynski prided himself on having the
> body of a man twenty years younger, although his strict fitness
> regimen hadn't stopped his hair from thinning into a horeshoe-shaped
> ring around his head.

Horseshoe.
	
> "Put that in your report." Werczynski shut down his tablet. "And be
> sure to double-check all of the file codes before you file it." ll of
> the file codes before you file it."

You duplicated a line here.



Some general comments about the story as a whole:

The story is structually sound.  I've commented on the short, almost
rapidfire way you go from scene to scene.  I think overall this gives
the story a unique ability to cover many characters continuously and
quickly.

In the final chapter we at last get an idea of what Herb is trying to do
and how and why the Americans have aided him.  Again, I remark that the
nature of Herb's motivations doesn't really contribute to the greater
thematic conflict because it is unknown and thus nearly irrelevant for
most of the story.

I felt the first few chapters might've been a little slow, in that it
took a long time for Ranma and friends to arrive at the Amazon village.
These chapters spent a good deal of time depicting the interactions
between those characters while the war was ongoing. Once that the group
arrived, however, things picked up nicely.


The characterization has some strong moments, but I feel that they're
mostly confined to small realizations.  Ranma comes in, questions
himself when Kodachi beats him, undergoes a crisis of strength when Lili
leaves him, and then decides to take Lili back, so to speak.  This
decision, I think, is somewhat understated.  It's done for largely
pragmatic reasons (certainly not through any explicit reconciliation
with Lili).

I also want to highlight Kasumi and Genma's deaths, which strike me as
merely happening without adequate foreshadowing.  I think it would've
been very interesting for Kasumi to have known *from the start* that she
could go and make a difference in China, but at the cost of her life.
Instead, she only finds this out near the very end of the piece, and as
such, the issue of her dealing with this knowledge and making a decision
for herself takes up only a tiny bit of narrative time.

What does it mean to develop a character?  Is it enough that they're
merely different as a result of enduring the story?  No, I don't think
so.  There must be a *choice* to do and be something different.  Kodachi
is, perhaps, the closest to making that choice, when she realizes that
she's not acting the way she wants herself to be.  I thought this was a
very interesting development, but I didn't feel that it was an
undercurrent throughout the story--that is, I felt it should've been
more prevalent in her thinking prior to this point.


Sylistically, I feel you struck a good balance between seriousness and
humor, deftly turning *Ranma 1/2* into a more action-focused story.  I
felt you were a little sparse sometime in descriptive detail, but not
enough that it was seriously detracting from the story itself.


Let me say a bit more about theme, then, to conclude.  I could identify
that each character had a well-defined character arc:  Ranma with his
strength and with losing Lili; Ryoga and his curse; Kodachi's revenge;
Ukyo's sham relationship; Biaozi's quest for recognition and leadership;
and so on.  Many of the characters had personal struggles and overcame
them (or succumbed to them) in the story.  I can tell you made it a
point to develop a *lot* of characters here, to give them all attention
as best you could.

But I fear you may have split your attention too much, at the cost of a
cohesive whole.  No character's struggle really reflects or informs us
about the others'.  They don't struggle with the same sorts of things.
I could look at Kodachi and Biaozi and Herb and say this is a story
about the lengths people will go to to get what they want or to repay
previous slights.  I could look at Ranma, Ryoga, and Ukyo and make an
observation about people too prideful to admit their own weaknesses and
failings.  I could look at Kasumi and Genma and contrast them as people
doomed to die in this adventure.

But what do I get when I look at them all together?  Not much.  All of
it simply *is*, and I get no greater message from their struggles.


I will say that you closed the story on a good note.  Ranma and Akane
still have lives to live and adventures to go through, even if those
adventures are not part of this story.  I thought that was a good vibe
to end on.


While I know I've been critical of some aspects of this story, I have
enjoyed the privilege of commenting upon it over these past few months.
I do think that it is definitely a piece that relies heavily on the
Preludes you've spoken of at various times, and to try to make it less
dependent on them would likely be a mistake.  The story is what the
story is in that regard, and I certainly would make no apologies for it.


Best of luck with your future endeavors.